Mother left house 12 years - now wants back

LegacyUser

Hi all,

Twelve years ago, my mother left the family home, leaving myself, my younger sibling and my father in it. She was having an affair wit a mutual acquaintance of my father and subsequently moved in with her new partner. It was very public and it emotionally crippled me, my sibling and my father. Coupled with that, my fathers business went from doin very well to having to close.

Over the next 12 years, my brother and I lost our 20s as my mother would keep comin back to the house weekly using excuses saying she wanted to see us (bull) and that it was still half her house (factually true) but she would always cause fights. Huge fights. I have been in counselling on and off for the past 12 years. We struggled financially big time but kept things going wit travelling abroad to work and keeping the bills just about paid. My mother never contributed anyting as she never worked. She was too busy playin golf all week and travelling the world with her partner. Eating in the best restaurants and staying in the best hotels. I am not making this up.

She also cause huge rows over wanting to sell the family home so she could get her money. That hasnt happened just yet.

Fast forward 12 years and her partner (who my sibling or I have never met) is very ill. It doesnt look good for him but please God he pulls through. My mother is back in the family home for Christmas as my father is away wit is new partner (who he met 6 years ago). She is demanding that if her partner who is ill dies that she move BACK into the family home. After 12 years of hell that she put everyone through. She left the house and could move in with her brothers who have a place.

The house is 50% hers, but I mean, the arrogance of her to put everyone through HELL and then expect that she can come back because it suits her wit no consideration for the thoughts or feelings of anyone else in the household?!

I am quite angry about it but I would like to know - is it wrong tat I am so furious about it? I feel so hurt again due to her lack of consideration. Once again she is affecting the mental health of others.

Dial Hard

I can understand your anger here OP but I do think it's slightly misplaced - both of your parents had a responsibility to formalise their separation and decide what was happening to the family home and it should have been done years ago. 12 years is a *very* long time to have just done nothing.

I think regardless of what happens it's time for you to move out of the family home. I don't think you'd be half as upset about this if you were living independently.

CoBo55

Dial Hard wrote: »

I can understand your anger here OP but I do think it's slightly misplaced - both of your parents had a responsibility to formalise their separation and decide what was happening to the family home and it should have been done years ago. 12 years is a *very* long time to have just done nothing.

I think regardless of what happens it's time for you to move out of the family home. I don't think you'd be half as upset about this if you were living independently.

I'd tend to agree with you, it was the parents responsibility to formalise the situation after the relationship failed. The father heading off into the wild blue yonder while dictator mammy is back ruling the roost smacks of cowardice to me. I think moving out and letting them get on with it is the only way to get peace now and in the future for yourself op. Take a leaf out of their book and think of yourself.

Ellie2008

Hi OP,

Purely from your point of view what strikes me is that this is the family home. It’s up to your parents to sort out their finances between them. If you have been contributing to the mortgage I suggest you try to ensure you are compensated if either the house is sold or your mother moves back in. You are moving to the next stage of your life, Id focus of moving out & leave your parents to sort it.

leggo

OP I’m going to be real with you here: none of this sounds healthy or well-handled and none of that is your fault. I fear you may be letting your father off a little lightly here too. He seems completely disconnected from the entire situation, to the point that you are literally fighting his battles for him about the house while he’s gone away for Christmas and left you with the ****show.

No matter what age you or they are: they are the parents and you are the children. It is their responsibility to look after all dealings to do with the family, home etc. It is also their responsibility to handle their issues so you and your siblings don’t have to take them on as your own and can instead focus on building your own life away from them and the family home. It seems like your mother’s thoughtlessness and your father’s incapability of handling it himself has left you and your siblings as the caregivers here picking up the slack and trying to mediate all of it. While not uncommon, that is INCREDIBLY damaging because you have likely been trained to put your own needs last and probably sacrificed a lot of opportunities to build your own life at the expense of trying to prop up what was left of your parents’ old life after your mother left.

I’d highly encourage you to seek counselling to try and unpack the damage that has been done here. I’d also highly encourage you to move out, or at least start the process of planning that, and focusing on building your own life instead of repairing theirs.

The truth is the house is theirs to figure out, it’s not your problem. Your father has a new relationship now that apparently allows him to just leave the family for Christmas, if he has a messy situation with his ex this is not your problem. Your mother grieving the partner she abandoned the family for is - once again - not your problem.

Focus on putting yourself first and building your own life. Teach yourself how, using counselling if you need, if you never have. I’m so sorry if you haven’t been able to do this because these people have never facilitated a scenario that allowed you to do so, but it’s important, worth being your priority and you deserve to do so.

Jequ0n

OP you have realised the destructive nature of one parent but not the second one (yet). I usually get crucified when I say out loud that I despise my enabling parent far more than the abusive one - simply because i can't see any redeeming features in them.



Even if your mother is a user: you have all enabled this carry on until now and it will continue. If your other parent is unable to stick their ground then direct him to a point of contact who can help, in this case a solicitor and they also have their new partner support them.


Your father has effectively handed over control/ decisions to you and your sibling even though you have no chance to make a difference here so step back.


A lot of your post reminds me of my own family and the reason I completely left them behind because I knew this sort of drama would always follow me otherwise. Best of luck

Sonic the Shaghog

To be honest OP I can entirely see how angry you are. The fact she left ye for another man and now has the cheek demanding to come back.

Frankly while yes it is 50% hers given what she done you would be raging at her looking for "her share" compared to say if the split had been amicable.

For all we know given you and your dad's financial circumstances maybe ye would be goosed if the house was sold I don't know.

However, I'd be wary that once the partner dies your mother will suddenly "realise what she threw away" and start trying to get back with your dad. Has it written all over it.

ILoveYourVibes

I am quite angry about it but I would like to know - is it wrong tat I am so furious about it?

Feelings are never wrong OP.

Its the way we act ON them that can be wrong.

Even expressing them in a respectful way just to be heard isn't wrong per say. But maybe having expectations on how others should behave after hearing them is going to be disappointing.

To me it doesn't seem appropriate for a lady who has left a husband for 12 yrs to come back and move in.

I don't know what the legal situation is.

Its up to your parents to sort it out really ....i sense tho...that at lest the mother is not very emotionally mature or stable?

My advice is try to be independent move out if possible.

Rubberchikken

Your parents need to cop on, start acting like adults and sort this mess out.
Your mother can't continue to effectively run the show when she sees fit and your father can't walk away from his responsibilities either.

I'm sorry you've had this experience. Neither parent sounds like they thought of anyone but themselves in all this.

Let them sort things out and you start living your life. Maybe someday they'll realise they had children they were responsible for and begin to show it.

qwerty13

Just on the house being 50% hers, I’m not sure that is necessarily true. I would have thought that various circumstances would be taken into account, like how long was she living in that house (as her contribution may not have been financial, but could have been looking after the household). I’d also wonder about how much of the mortgage term was paid at the time she left. And who footed the bill for looking after you & your sibling after she left. But your father really really needs to see a solicitor about this.

I wonder if she has been made aware that she won’t inherit anything from her new partner. Is that why she’s trying to ‘mark her territory’ re the house she left.

To reiterate what others have said, both of your parents have put you and your sibling in a very awkward position. I do think moving out would for the best for you. It feels like you are stuck with the shadow of the past over you, while you stay in the family home.

Yellow pack crisps

I fail to see what the father did here that has people lumping him in with his wife’s behaviour? I presume both children are now adults and over 20? I would presume the father let the mother see her children but still provided the day to day raising of the children and looking after the bills etc the wife seems very selfish and I would say based on what the OP said here probably put the husband under pressure from early on to sell the house and divide up equity etc. I don’t think he abandoned the children at home to release his responsibilities, I think he went in a break abs left his two adult children at home. As for your relationship with your mother OP, that’s in your hands. You can choose how that is. I don’t think your mother has a claim on the house on a 50/50 basis. She probably needs to create attention as to deal with her own sense of guilt and a way to control you all.

leggo

It’s not normal to be having parents’ arguments for them, which is what the OP is doing. She describes her story only in terms of her and her siblings vs her mother, with her father being the poor victim who was dealt such a **** hand by the evil mother. That’s almost definitely the story that was fed to the OP and anyone who understands issues around caregiving will immediately spot that and see red flags.

Children who obviously love their parents will try step in and protect them when they are hurt, but healthy parenting shouldn’t allow that to happen. Parents should handle their personal business in their own time and present a strong, secure front that enables children to build their own sense of self and eventually their own lives. You can have sympathy for the father when he first found out his wife was leaving, fair enough, but when the OP said that he’s been with his new partner for SIX YEARS now and is off with her while leaving his children at Christmas to fight his battles for the house with their mother...that entire dynamic is taking the piss. It paints a portrait of a guy who’s happy to let them deal with the **** around his failed marriage so he can live his life when those roles should be completely reversed: he should be the one dealing with what comes of the family home while they’re living their lives.

I’ll put it to you another way: when a couple splits up and someone comes on here looking for advice on how to handle the house, would you ever see someone give advice to go find someone new, have some fun and let their children handle it?

To people who grow up in these broken dynamics, they can see and hear about stuff like this and wonder what’s the issue, because these dynamics are what they grew up in and know as ‘normal’. But they’re not, they’re incredibly damaging and usually require counselling later in life to undo. The house or what becomes of her parents’ marriage shouldn’t be the OP’s focus, building her own life away from them should be.

Jequ0n

It's also not OK to expect their kids to pick up the slack because one parent does not pay their way, the OP mentioned traveling abroad to manage finances etc.
I assume this is why it now gets sticky because different people have paid towards the property because this was never addressed.

It's not impossible to resolve but the OP's father needs to get his hand out of the sand now.



Sadly they are probably all caught in a dynamic in which the kids will continue to act as the guardians and fight the father's battles. I'm sure this will have been addressed in the on/ off councelling sessions before and will come up again until this gets resolved and you can cut off contact entirely.


Best of luck OP, you all need to make changes to stop this from continuing. It's not like she is suddenly back after 12 years, she was never fully gone. The intermittent re-appearances will have caused more damage than had she just stayed away.

Tork

Your mother was consistent in wanting her half of the house all along but it looks like your father buried his head in the sand. This is the sort of thing that happens when marriages break up and people don't get their affairs in order. It's time for your father to get the finger out and sort this mess out. Legally. It's not very respectful towards his current partner either, continuing to be legally married to another woman and living in an "Ah shur it'll be grand" world.

wiggle16

Tork wrote: »

Your mother was consistent in wanting her half of the house all along but it looks like your father buried his head in the sand. This is the sort of thing that happens when marriages break up and people don't get their affairs in order. It's time for your father to get the finger out and sort this mess out. Legally. It's not very respectful towards his current partner either, continuing to be legally married to another woman and living in an "Ah shur it'll be grand" world.

100% this. I don't know if there was some other obstacle to his sorting this out much, much earlier, but he should have got his ducks in a row long ago - this could well cause him problems with his partner, it's very difficult to be with someone who is entangled with someone else from their past, especially to this extent.

Like others I think you should try to up sticks and move out as soon as you can. By all means be supportive of your father but limit your involvement with the issue of the house itself. That issue is between them alone and it sounds like you know full well your mother is not going to back down. Your father needs to get on to a solicitor *today*.

juneg

Just to point out that 12 years ago was 2008 the year of the financial crash. That would have had a huge bearing on any separation story financially. People were unemployed emigrating not buying or selling homes. You were a child back then but it was a tough time to be an adult in this country.

bertiebomber

its half hers regardless of all the pain she caused she gave birth for your dad and at the end of a marriage the 50 % is the payment. You need to move out and let your dad who appears to be a very weak man sell up and share the proceeds you havent a leg to stand on this is the toxicity of marriage in Ireland today . All this should have been resolved 12 years ago when she left the paper work at least the house may have taken a few years to sell back then But its worth more today so best sold and chapter closed so everyone can get away from each other. .

Tork

bertiebomber wrote: »

its half hers regardless of all the pain she caused she gave birth for your dad and at the end of a marriage the 50 % is the payment. You need to move out and let your dad who appears to be a very weak man sell up and share the proceeds you havent a leg to stand on this is the toxicity of marriage in Ireland today . All this should have been resolved 12 years ago when she left the paper work at least the house may have taken a few years to sell back then But its worth more today so best sold and chapter closed so everyone can get away from each other. .

Not being married hasn't served the mother well either, has it? She was with this partner of hers for 12 years and doesn't appear to have anything to show for that particular relationship. If he has assets, where are they going to go after he pops his clogs?

qwerty13

There’s a few posts that state that the mother is entitled to 50% of the value of the house. I am not a legal person, but my understanding was that various circumstances are taken into account in splitting assets, eg financial contribution, who ran the home, who looks after and pays for kids, the number of years paid on the mortgage pre during and post marriage.

I’m not saying that I know a whole lot about this topic, but I think it is dangerous for people to seemingly categorically state that the mother is entitled to 50%, and have this relayed back to the father by the OP. The father quite frankly sounds like he’d just hand over 50% of the value, or vacate the property, just to make ‘the problem’ go away.

OP, your father needs to urgently seek legal advice.

bertiebomber

Tork wrote: »

Not being married hasn't served the mother well either, has it? She was with this partner of hers for 12 years and doesn't appear to have anything to show for that particular relationship. If he has assets, where are they going to go after he pops his clogs?

if she lived with him for 12 years she does have some rights but if he had family prior to her they also have rights so maybe half the original house is more valuable to her, complicated. Marriage should be outlawed or re negotiable every 5 years like any other contract !

Tork

That's an argument for another thread. As already advised on this thread, the OP's father should stop burying his head in the sand and seek legal advice ASAP. The mother should be doing that too but that's her problem. These are the sorts of messes that are left behind when people leave things hanging in this fashion.

Hannibal_Smith

OP, if your mother mentions selling the house, tell her to direct the conversation to your dad. She cannot do anything without him and it's not fair to you for her to be involving you. So all conversation waits until he comes back.

Advise your dad to seek legal advice. Although you're all adults now, you say while you were under 18 your father paid for everything. You also say that you and your brother paid for the upkeep and maintenance of the house. The solicitor should be told that as well. A solicitor will have to become involved if the house is to be sold so they'll be getting involved either way.

Whether it has any bearing on how the proceeds of a sale are split or not is something only the solicitor can advise.

Although it might seem like the end of the world now, if it comes to it and the house is sold, it may not be the worst thing. You've never been allowed to move on from the hurt of what happened 12 years ago. It's been brought back to you constantly. I would be furious too, but there's no break from it unless there's a line drawn somewhere instead of this limbo you're all in.

Anyway, nothing can be done without your father's input, so ask her to stop discussing the matter with you and suggest to your dad he seek legal advice as soon as possible.

osarusan

OP, your mother sounds like a horrible cow who gets what she wants by bullying and doesn't care that people get hurt.

The only way to fight her is the legal way. Your father needs legal representation immediately. As others have said, the house is an issue between the two of them.

As for your own relationship with her, I think moving out and limiting contact with her would be the best option.

ztoical

OP you've two separate issues to be address. First the emotional impact of the situation and second the legal aspect.

The emotional you need to focus on yourself and not get caught up in your parents issues. You are allowed to be furious but don't let it take over. Speak to your GP about seeing someone to talk about the separation and the impact it had on you. You need to make sure you can move on and have a healthy relationship and not find yourself trapped by your parents issues. Trust me I've been there, you can't control other people but you can look after yourself.

Legally OP you need to get your father to speak to someone to find out exactly where he stands regarding the house. We can't give legal advice here and there's a lot of information missing like did your parents actually divorce or just separate. Like it or not she may have a claim on the house and your father needs to get correct legally advice. If you've put money into the house then you need to seek advice on where you stand

Hannibal_Smith

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