Why am I single?

CelticRambler

CivilCybil wrote: »

For dating apps it's a numbers game. And about luck.

<snip>

As I said, a numbers game along with a bit of luck.

This is a very frequently repeated piece of "advice" these days, and to a certain extent it's true: yes, it's a numbers game, because dating apps are deliberately designed to give you the maximum number of "not quite right" matches - it's how they make their money.

But it's a far better use of time (and money, and energy) to reduce the "luck" part of the equation by concentrating on looking for the most suitable match in the place where the most suitable people will be found.

Once again, @OP, this means that you really need to decide what kind of a relationship you're looking for, and then put yourself into those places.

For someone who is shy/introverted/cautious, I would argue that time is far more important than numbers. It's all very well accepting every possible invitation to every possible social event to meet the maximum possible number of people, but (a) chances are that'll take you right out of your comfort zone, so you won't be being yourself; and (b) you simply won't have time with all the gallivanting to actually get to know (or be known by) your ideal match.

That's not to say that some "partial matches" along the way won't help you figure out which parts of the ideal are most important - and be prepared for your priorities to be completely up-ended!

Snails pace

Hi OP. You sound like an interesting person with plenty of hobbies. I'm in my mid 20's and met a girl on a night out by pure luck. She's introverted but I was willing to put in the time and got to know each other. We're going out 2 years and get on very well together even though we're kind of different people. As people have said the right person is there but you do need a bit of luck.

From my point of view the fact that you live at home by choice and work part time wouldn't be too attractive to me. While some people live day to day, you need to have some kind of a long term plan. I'm lucky enough that I'm self employed and make good money and I can enjoy myself however there's a trade off that I have to put in long hours most weeks. While I would never expect my partner to earn the same amount as myself I'd like them to contribute to rent or a mortgage.

As someone said to me "you can't live off love" it's not the nicest thing to say but you have to face reality that you need a steady income if you want to rent, buy, start a family, go on holidays. The vast majority of men are logical thinkers form the mid 20's on and looks aren't at the list.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
Ive read through all of the replies and appreciate everyone for taking the time to respond.
I first want to address some of the comments. I had left out information about myself because I didnt think it was relevant, dont want to give away too much about me, I didnt want to make the post too long either.

I have future plans and I am saving money.

A little bit about my job
It will likely become a permanent one in the future but because of the type of area its in, I have to build up experience and contacts which takes time, im working towards getting a permanent contract, I can only do this by working casual/freelance. If it doesnt work out long term i'll get a job in something else but I will always regret it if I dont give it a try.

My living arrangements..
Living at home suits me now at this time as it allows me to save, I get on very well with my family and while living at home I can focus on progressing my job.

I understand that moving to a small location in Connaught or somewhere the rent is super cheap would be an affordable way of moving out but it would also leave me out of work and in a place where I know nobody.

I appreciate the comments and maybe I gave the wrong impression but ive read through my post and I cant see anywhere I said I had planned to live with my family indefinitely.
Living at home suits me presently. When im earning my income is high but there can be weeks and months were I earn very little, especially during covid so for parts of the year I could afford to rent anywhere but other times it would be very difficult, even if I saved up all my pay during the good times, I would still be spending 4 or 5 hundred a month on rent which isnt affordable for every single month and a waste of money, id be paying someone else mortgage.
I rented for several years in a small town while working full time and know first hand how hard it is to save while renting.

I feel very lucky that I have a family willing to let me live with them at this time.

Someone else suggested that im looking for marriage and a husband to keep me, I laughed at this one. This is such a stretch and nothing like the person I am.
I read through my post again and couldnt find any mention about marriage in my post, maybe im missing something? Or gave the wrong impression?
In total honesty im not really a believer in marriage, its a piece of paper as far as im concerned.
Sure I dont even have a boyfriend, its a bit of a stretch to be thinking about marriage and buying a house with someone, if the topic of marriage were ever to come up for me I will cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

As a single person it is doubly hard to buy a house even with a full time secure job earning 35k a year. It seems so impossible, even though im saving and plan to move out within the next year or two, which was always my plan, I feel that the comments about me not owning my own home and not trying to save for one are a tad bit unfair.

I would like a relationship but would never settle for someone for the sake of it, ive seen too many marriages end and couples grow to resent each other.
Id choose being single over a relationship for convenience any time.

Dial Hard

Look, OP, the thread devolved into a sh*t-tonne of speculation and general discussion, which wasn't ideal. You do seem to know what you want and be a very direct, honest, person. But unfortunately, for some people, the fact that you live at home and don't have a steady income will be an issue. Your future plans are somewhat abstract for those people. So you need to accept that your pool is limited for those reasons and concentrate on filtering out the people who won't balk at your situation. I don't doubt for a second there are plenty of great men out there in that category, you're just going to have to screen hard for them.

Best of luck with it.

Booklad86

Hi OP. On paper, you seem like the ideal woman really. Outgoing, caring, all the good stuff that any decent man would want in their lives.

I can see a few previous responses have mentioned the fact that you live at home as being potentially offputting. From my own point of view, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It seems like a no-brainer to live at home for now while you work on your career.

The only thing is possibly the COVID situation is dramatically reducing the opportunities for meeting someone special.

The only thing I can suggest is keep putting yourself out there (when it’s safe to do so) and don’t be afraid to try dating apps. There is some wheat among the chaff!

Best of luck with it anyway and I hope you don’t mind me throwing in my two cents!

Catsandcandles

OP - you mentioned when you are in relationships that you are giving and that you like to please the other person, which indicates you have not always been single. So is the issue that you haven't been in any long term relationships? Or that you are finding it harder recently to connect with anyone in the first place? Being more specific will help. If you have had plenty of relationships in the past, there is nothing to suggest that you won't again - unless something significant has changed in your life. Perhaps you have became more discerning the older/more experienced you became - which is a good thing. The older we get the smaller the pool becomes - it's a little tougher for all 30 somethings on the dating scene, that's just life.

Regarding your employment/living arrangements - i don't think its going to be a huge deal breaker at all when guys find out it's only temporary. Perhaps you aren't explaining this to them - you mentioned in a previous post that you were happy the way things were and that you didn't want a stuffy office job. When a person hears that, without the accompanying explanation that you are building up contacts and saving, it might come across as a little ambiguous and now you are in your 30's that might make some (of course not all) men back off.

Fol20

SinglePringle0736 wrote: »

OP here again.

I think you gave off the wrong impression with your initial posts as you have clarified your current financial setup, you have already rented when you were younger showing you have independence and you have aspirations and clear reasons for being at home right now - i think you have nipped in the bud what half the people were talking about in one response

One point i would add and again this is only based on the info provided there is only so long you should pursue a passion without reflecting and maybe deciding i need to change career path to get a job that will support your aspirations. Im assuming you have been trying this free lance roll for over 10 years however if you changed career paths later than the typical college graduation of 22, this would explain the casualness at your current age, which would also be acceptable to me and my values.

Fol20

Dial Hard wrote: »

Look, OP, the thread devolved into a sh*t-tonne of speculation and general discussion, which wasn't ideal. You do seem to know what you want and be a very direct, honest, person. But unfortunately, for some people, the fact that you live at home and don't have a steady income will be an issue. Your future plans are somewhat abstract for those people. So you need to accept that your pool is limited for those reasons and concentrate on filtering out the people who won't balk at your situation. I don't doubt for a second there are plenty of great men out there in that category, you're just going to have to screen hard for them.

Best of luck with it.

I would actually disagree with this. Its hard to get a vibe of the entire picture of her job situation, independence etc on chat. Most people including myself joined the dots and made some assumptions which are easy to clarify on further discussion. I think most people once they have an actual conversation with the OP instead of a few comments would be ok with what she clarified in her last post.

I would then go back to other reasons for it. ask your friends for feedback,first impressions are key, how often do you date etc.