Why am I single?

LLMMLL

I'd agree with an earlier poster. It's all about luck.

The dating apps are full to the brim with guys who have no intention of settling down or who have some dodgy issues. You have to be lucky to get one of the guys who are on there ready to commit.

You're just going to have to keep playing the numbers game and also maybe examine is there a pattern to your own responses when you meet a nice guy and you feel "there's no spark". You may be rejecting perfectly suitable guys for a not great reason.

YellowLead

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Whether or not you mean to come across as bitchy and judgmental isnt the point, you are coming across that way. You are saying mean things then backing down and saying you cant articulate yourself almost like youre looking for sympathy or something.
Something about her lifestyle grates on you and youre taking that frustration out on this thread.
As others mentioned, people progress, whose to say where the OP will be in 5 years time.

I must be taking her up wrong because it doesn’t seem like she is working towards or wants to change her situation, she seems happy out as she is and fair play!
I have genuinely tried (and failed obviously) to say what I want to say without coming across as bitchy. I basically meant to say what Fol20 has said - he articulated things better.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Okay that's enough general discussion - you're supposed to have constructive advice addressed to the OP when you post. The OP is the focus of the thread and repeatedly talking about the OP in the 3rd person rather than to the OP is bad form in PI.

Off topic posts will be deleted going forward.

Thanks

SusieBlue

CelticRambler wrote: »

Only as much as your own -


The OP has made it clear that she places a high value on looking after her physical and mental well-being, and has opted to be sensible with her finances by giving up on rental accommodation when there's a better deal available for her by living in the family home.

And yes, some hair and beauty products are expensive, but my daughters are perfectly capable of balancing that particular budget and it pales into insignificance compared to things like concert tickets or iPhones or the cost of flights to Africa.

Now maybe the OP is looking for a "typical Irish guy" but there's nothing in any of her posts that says that. She's described to us what kind of a person she is - that doesn't mean that she makes a big deal of it in her dating profile or goes all princess on a first date.

Yes she does, and when men notice that she spends a large portion of her casual income maintaining her appearance at the expense of saving for a mortgage/renting accommodation, they seem to find that unattractive.
As I said before, there is absolutely nothing wrong with living at home at any point of your life, but it should not be the default position to have more disposable income to spend on frivolous things, while doing nothing to change your personal circumstances.
That isn’t a remotely sensible way for a responsible adult to carry on, no matter how you try to dress it up.
If I met a man like that, I would find them immature and lacking independence and wouldn’t want to take things further either.

Skincare, makeup, and fashion are very expensive hobbies, let alone everything else on the list. So is regularly getting hair and nails done.
I don’t think OP is superficial or a Princess, because as I said, we have pretty much all of the same hobbies and interests.
But she must be communicating her personal situation in a way that is turning men off.
There is nothing wrong with how she chooses to live, but she needs to accept that because it’s quite far removed from the norm these days, and your average man might not be into that kind of life.
So as I said previously she either needs to accept that, and accept that her dating pool is a bit smaller than she’d like, or look at dating other kinds of men.
Because she clearly isn’t compatible with the ones she is choosing if they lose interest when she explains her lifestyle to them.

wiggle16

Mod note:

Wanderer & Susie - I'm going to take by the timestamps that you were writing your posts when my mod note went up - any further off topic posts will be deleted.

Edited 15:50: Mod warning: Wanderer, I know you're well able to make a point without putting a dig at another poster into your advice to the OP. Please don't do that again.

YellowLead

OP - I’m a little quiet and introverted myself, and I’ve done some reading on mixing this kind of personality with dating.
Sometimes when you are a little shy you tend to wait for the other person to initiate the conversation or to decide what to do on a date, where to go. You sometimes find yourself agreeing with everything they say so as not to cause offence. This can be off putting.
Not saying it’s what you do, but I’ve been guilty of that sometimes due to my shyness and I’ve seen it in others. Making an effort to put yourself out there, speak out and take the risk, can help. Self confidence is always an attractive trait.

https://www.eharmony.com/blog/things-shy-people-dating-shouldnt/

Wanderer2010

OP, I would disregard the judgments here so far [SNIPPED]. The fact is, if you feel you have to change your work or job just to suit someone else, you will always resent it on some subconscious level and it will come out later on in the relationship. Your best bet in this regard is to be straight about it from the off. If someone else has a problem with it, its their problem and not yours.

Catsandcandles

LLMMLL wrote: »

I'd agree with an earlier poster. It's all about luck.

The dating apps are full to the brim with guys who have no intention of settling down or who have some dodgy issues. You have to be lucky to get one of the guys who are on there ready to commit.

You're just going to have to keep playing the numbers game and also maybe examine is there a pattern to your own responses when you meet a nice guy and you feel "there's no spark". You may be rejecting perfectly suitable guys for a not great reason.

With some of the apps people can say if they are looking for a relationship or for something more casual, so keep an eye on that.

Try and go on as many apps as you can and keep looking, keep swiping, keep chatting. it's tough out there and believe me there are many of us who feel like throwing in the towel! Hopefully in 2021 covid restrictions can relax and you will have better opportunities to meet others in real life - through work, or community groups, sports clubs, etc - you have lots of hobbies and interests. As you are a little quiet this will be a good way to meet people because they will be spending repeated time with you and will get to know your personality. The apps are a good addition to the dating arsenal but they certainly aren't the only way to try.

Be realistic about your expectations and try and ask yourself what you are truly looking for. Many people have a checklist that isn't realistic and they can overlook potential mates by holding others to too high a standard, that they wouldn't even hold themselves too. Finding somebody with a similiar outlook on life can be tough, but persistence should pay off.

CivilCybil

Hi OP. As someone who spent a fair bit of time in my 20s dating this is what I found to work.

1. Never say no to an invitation. If someone suggests meeting up, do. If someone says we should grab a drink, take them up on it. Male, female, work colleagues, friends of friends. Whatever it is, go. You'll massively broaden your social circle and meet lots of new people. Become the person who makes the arrangements. Most people are willing to go for a drink or to an event but also won't have the inclination to arrange it. So someone says "we should go to that play". Instead of saying _yeah we should" and nothing comes of it, say "we should. Does next week suit? What days are you free". Follow up on these open invites.
2. For dating apps it's a numbers game. And about luck. Some won't like you. Some will. And vice versa. Don't spent too much of your time on someone without meeting up. And don't get too invested early on. Have a "Next!" mentality about it.

That's what worked for me and lessons I've learned.

Lots of talk about your situation but the reality is that it will appeal to some and not others.
I met my husband online. He lived at home due to his separation and worked in a low income job. I had my own home and a better job. But that suited me because we lived two hours apart and I knew I wouldn't move (I had a child in school) so his lack of ties to where he lived was a bonus for me. For other women they would have been an immediate no. Same with me. I was a single parent. Some men didn't mind. Others wouldn't entertain the thought.

Bringing me to point two. The number of men I met who would continue to message or ask me out even though they'd said that they weren't interested in a woman with a child. Lord but they'd probably still be messaging me now if I'd not cut them off. Some people are there for sex, some for an ego boost etc. If you want a relationship then don't let the time wasters waste your time or use up your energy. Be ruthless.

My last bout of singledom I only arranged 4 dates but probably chatted to 100 guys.

2 were interested in me but I didn't feel the same
1 was a mutual lack of interest
1 is my now husband (who btw moved here and got a better job and contributes to the household)

As I said, a numbers game along with a bit of luck.

Wishing you every success OP.

santana75

Reading through the comments on this thread has been depressing. Lots of talk of jobs and living arrangements but nobody has even mentioned anything about character and the capacity to love. It's like you view people as commodities, someone you size up in terms of resources and what you think you can extract from them. That's not a relationship, that's a power struggle. If you size people up according to their occupation or material resources then you'll struggle to ever have a healthy happy loving relationship. I've seen this happen so many times. Women I've known desperate to have kids will get with someone who has a good job or whatever but character traits and chemistry aren't even in consideration. Sure enough a couple of years and a few kids down the road the relationship is dead, theres no love or genuine connection there at all, there never was. And everyone involved suffers for it. Thats not love, that's an empty hollow existence. This is what the apostle paul wrote:

"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres"

Not one mention about what someone does for work or where they live. Seriously I think so many of you have lost touch with what really matters.
OP focus on character, make sure you want to be with someone for them, not what you might get from them. If love is your highest aspiration then you'll be ok, when all is said and done you'll get what's really in your heart.

CelticRambler

CivilCybil wrote: »

For dating apps it's a numbers game. And about luck.

<snip>

As I said, a numbers game along with a bit of luck.

This is a very frequently repeated piece of "advice" these days, and to a certain extent it's true: yes, it's a numbers game, because dating apps are deliberately designed to give you the maximum number of "not quite right" matches - it's how they make their money.

But it's a far better use of time (and money, and energy) to reduce the "luck" part of the equation by concentrating on looking for the most suitable match in the place where the most suitable people will be found.

Once again, @OP, this means that you really need to decide what kind of a relationship you're looking for, and then put yourself into those places.

For someone who is shy/introverted/cautious, I would argue that time is far more important than numbers. It's all very well accepting every possible invitation to every possible social event to meet the maximum possible number of people, but (a) chances are that'll take you right out of your comfort zone, so you won't be being yourself; and (b) you simply won't have time with all the gallivanting to actually get to know (or be known by) your ideal match.

That's not to say that some "partial matches" along the way won't help you figure out which parts of the ideal are most important - and be prepared for your priorities to be completely up-ended!

Snails pace

Hi OP. You sound like an interesting person with plenty of hobbies. I'm in my mid 20's and met a girl on a night out by pure luck. She's introverted but I was willing to put in the time and got to know each other. We're going out 2 years and get on very well together even though we're kind of different people. As people have said the right person is there but you do need a bit of luck.

From my point of view the fact that you live at home by choice and work part time wouldn't be too attractive to me. While some people live day to day, you need to have some kind of a long term plan. I'm lucky enough that I'm self employed and make good money and I can enjoy myself however there's a trade off that I have to put in long hours most weeks. While I would never expect my partner to earn the same amount as myself I'd like them to contribute to rent or a mortgage.

As someone said to me "you can't live off love" it's not the nicest thing to say but you have to face reality that you need a steady income if you want to rent, buy, start a family, go on holidays. The vast majority of men are logical thinkers form the mid 20's on and looks aren't at the list.

LegacyUser

OP here again.
Ive read through all of the replies and appreciate everyone for taking the time to respond.
I first want to address some of the comments. I had left out information about myself because I didnt think it was relevant, dont want to give away too much about me, I didnt want to make the post too long either.

I have future plans and I am saving money.

A little bit about my job
It will likely become a permanent one in the future but because of the type of area its in, I have to build up experience and contacts which takes time, im working towards getting a permanent contract, I can only do this by working casual/freelance. If it doesnt work out long term i'll get a job in something else but I will always regret it if I dont give it a try.

My living arrangements..
Living at home suits me now at this time as it allows me to save, I get on very well with my family and while living at home I can focus on progressing my job.

I understand that moving to a small location in Connaught or somewhere the rent is super cheap would be an affordable way of moving out but it would also leave me out of work and in a place where I know nobody.

I appreciate the comments and maybe I gave the wrong impression but ive read through my post and I cant see anywhere I said I had planned to live with my family indefinitely.
Living at home suits me presently. When im earning my income is high but there can be weeks and months were I earn very little, especially during covid so for parts of the year I could afford to rent anywhere but other times it would be very difficult, even if I saved up all my pay during the good times, I would still be spending 4 or 5 hundred a month on rent which isnt affordable for every single month and a waste of money, id be paying someone else mortgage.
I rented for several years in a small town while working full time and know first hand how hard it is to save while renting.

I feel very lucky that I have a family willing to let me live with them at this time.

Someone else suggested that im looking for marriage and a husband to keep me, I laughed at this one. This is such a stretch and nothing like the person I am.
I read through my post again and couldnt find any mention about marriage in my post, maybe im missing something? Or gave the wrong impression?
In total honesty im not really a believer in marriage, its a piece of paper as far as im concerned.
Sure I dont even have a boyfriend, its a bit of a stretch to be thinking about marriage and buying a house with someone, if the topic of marriage were ever to come up for me I will cross that bridge if I ever come to it.

As a single person it is doubly hard to buy a house even with a full time secure job earning 35k a year. It seems so impossible, even though im saving and plan to move out within the next year or two, which was always my plan, I feel that the comments about me not owning my own home and not trying to save for one are a tad bit unfair.

I would like a relationship but would never settle for someone for the sake of it, ive seen too many marriages end and couples grow to resent each other.
Id choose being single over a relationship for convenience any time.

Dial Hard

Look, OP, the thread devolved into a sh*t-tonne of speculation and general discussion, which wasn't ideal. You do seem to know what you want and be a very direct, honest, person. But unfortunately, for some people, the fact that you live at home and don't have a steady income will be an issue. Your future plans are somewhat abstract for those people. So you need to accept that your pool is limited for those reasons and concentrate on filtering out the people who won't balk at your situation. I don't doubt for a second there are plenty of great men out there in that category, you're just going to have to screen hard for them.

Best of luck with it.

Booklad86

Hi OP. On paper, you seem like the ideal woman really. Outgoing, caring, all the good stuff that any decent man would want in their lives.

I can see a few previous responses have mentioned the fact that you live at home as being potentially offputting. From my own point of view, it wouldn’t bother me in the slightest. It seems like a no-brainer to live at home for now while you work on your career.

The only thing is possibly the COVID situation is dramatically reducing the opportunities for meeting someone special.

The only thing I can suggest is keep putting yourself out there (when it’s safe to do so) and don’t be afraid to try dating apps. There is some wheat among the chaff!

Best of luck with it anyway and I hope you don’t mind me throwing in my two cents!

Catsandcandles

OP - you mentioned when you are in relationships that you are giving and that you like to please the other person, which indicates you have not always been single. So is the issue that you haven't been in any long term relationships? Or that you are finding it harder recently to connect with anyone in the first place? Being more specific will help. If you have had plenty of relationships in the past, there is nothing to suggest that you won't again - unless something significant has changed in your life. Perhaps you have became more discerning the older/more experienced you became - which is a good thing. The older we get the smaller the pool becomes - it's a little tougher for all 30 somethings on the dating scene, that's just life.

Regarding your employment/living arrangements - i don't think its going to be a huge deal breaker at all when guys find out it's only temporary. Perhaps you aren't explaining this to them - you mentioned in a previous post that you were happy the way things were and that you didn't want a stuffy office job. When a person hears that, without the accompanying explanation that you are building up contacts and saving, it might come across as a little ambiguous and now you are in your 30's that might make some (of course not all) men back off.

Fol20

SinglePringle0736 wrote: »

OP here again.

I think you gave off the wrong impression with your initial posts as you have clarified your current financial setup, you have already rented when you were younger showing you have independence and you have aspirations and clear reasons for being at home right now - i think you have nipped in the bud what half the people were talking about in one response

One point i would add and again this is only based on the info provided there is only so long you should pursue a passion without reflecting and maybe deciding i need to change career path to get a job that will support your aspirations. Im assuming you have been trying this free lance roll for over 10 years however if you changed career paths later than the typical college graduation of 22, this would explain the casualness at your current age, which would also be acceptable to me and my values.

Fol20

Dial Hard wrote: »

Look, OP, the thread devolved into a sh*t-tonne of speculation and general discussion, which wasn't ideal. You do seem to know what you want and be a very direct, honest, person. But unfortunately, for some people, the fact that you live at home and don't have a steady income will be an issue. Your future plans are somewhat abstract for those people. So you need to accept that your pool is limited for those reasons and concentrate on filtering out the people who won't balk at your situation. I don't doubt for a second there are plenty of great men out there in that category, you're just going to have to screen hard for them.

Best of luck with it.

I would actually disagree with this. Its hard to get a vibe of the entire picture of her job situation, independence etc on chat. Most people including myself joined the dots and made some assumptions which are easy to clarify on further discussion. I think most people once they have an actual conversation with the OP instead of a few comments would be ok with what she clarified in her last post.

I would then go back to other reasons for it. ask your friends for feedback,first impressions are key, how often do you date etc.