Different values

Sandi2472

Hi first time posting
I v been with my b/f 5 year s .we don't live together.we generally get on well but I have a issue with how he looks after his dog
.I am a animal lover .all my pets live in the house.buy them treats etc .they are part of the family
His dog lives outside at a different house to him.he goes round to feed the dog twice a day
I have asked if I can have the dog as I feel
1 the dog shouldn't sleep outside when it's -4 etc
2 the dog must be lonely .
But he's unwilling to let me
This probably seems like a trivial issue ,but it's upsetting for me
Any advice ?

YellowLead

When you say the dog lives outside - does it have a good kennel? Or is it left literally out in the open?

This article debates the issue:
https://www.google.ie/amp/s/amp.independent.ie/regionals/braypeople/lifestyle/is-it-ever-acceptable-for-dogs-to-be-kept-outside-34166144.html

As an animal lover, if you believe the animal is being mistreated - it would seem to me that yourself and your partner might have different values in life - only you can answer whether you can compromise on this or not.

Princess Calla

Maybe try the pets and pet care forum, you will get more of a pet based reply there.

From a relationship point of view, we all have our own "breaking points"

You are together 5 years, what's the relationship like in general? Do you see the uncaring nature towards the dog as a red flag to a darker side of his personality?

I don't have animals but there's something in the back of my mind that "working dogs" won't necessarily be brought indoors? Is his background one that had "working dogs"......I appreciate i could be completely wrong there which is why I directed you to the pet forum .

I would be sussing out what he's like with children before I went down that route though as the last thing you need after a baby arrives is to discover your values are completely opposite.

strandroad

Is the dog socialised? Are you saying that the feeding is the only contact the dog has with humans? What kind of shelter is provided?

Sandi2472

You are together 5 years, what's the relationship like in general? Do you see the uncaring nature towards the dog as a red flag to a darker side of his personality?

I don't have animals but there's something in the back of my mind that "working dogs" won't necessarily be brought indoors? Is his background one that had "working dogs"......I appreciate i could be completely wrong there which is why I directed you to the pet forum .

Generally we get on well .I m quite laid back anyway.he comes from a traditional Irish family.so yes I get that a lot of dogs were kept outside
We are both in our 50s ,we both have children . from previous relationship s .I think he tends to go along with what his children want . but clearly loves them though
The dog has a kennel . fully waterproof
He doesn't want to move the dog to his house as he doesn't like dogs on furniture etc

Princess Calla

I presume the dog lives with the ex wife and kids so.

Apart from buying the dog a "Christmas present" of a dog bed and blanket (which the ex wife could easily throw in the bin) there's not much you can do.

Your boyfriend also can't really take the "family dog" and give it to you to care for it either.

No more than he can instruct someone else to take the dog into their home when he's not willing to do that himself.

Airyfairy12

Sandi2472 wrote: »

"You are together 5 years, what's the relationship like in general? Do you see the uncaring nature towards the dog as a red flag to a darker side of his personality?

I don't have animals but there's something in the back of my mind that "working dogs" won't necessarily be brought indoors? Is his background one that had "working dogs"......I appreciate i could be completely wrong there which is why I directed you to the pet forum ."

Generally we get on well .I m quite laid back anyway.he comes from a traditional Irish family.so yes I get that a lot of dogs were kept outside
We are both in our 50s ,we both have children . from previous relationship s .I think he tends to go along with what his children want . but clearly loves them though
The dog has a kennel . fully waterproof
He doesn't want to move the dog to his house as he doesn't like dogs on furniture etc

Your post is a bit confusing, first you said all your pets live inside then you said you dont have animals.
Personally I wouldnt agree with leaving a dog outside, even with a kennel, its just cruel as far as im concerned.
Im confused as to what you mean by a working dog? Is it a sheep dog or something?
If he doesnt want a dog in the house and cant clear out a shed and put in some insulation for the dog to sleep in, why have a dog at all? That dog could be so much happier in a loving home, even an animal shelter would provide more for him than your boyfriend.
Does he bring the dog for walks? Is the dog socialised? How long has he had it? does he bring it for vet visits & checkups?

Tucker tunsel

Sandi2472 wrote: »

Hi first time posting
I v been with my b/f 5 year s .we don't live together.we generally get on well but I have a issue with how he looks after his dog
.I am a animal lover .all my pets live in the house.buy them treats etc .they are part of the family
His dog lives outside at a different house to him.he goes round to feed the dog twice a day
I have asked if I can have the dog as I feel
1 the dog shouldn't sleep outside when it's -4 etc
2 the dog must be lonely .
But he's unwilling to let me
This probably seems like a trivial issue ,but it's upsetting for me
Any advice ?

Sorry but all you have said here is that the dog lives outside.No mention of a kennel or tied up or anything so it's extremely hard to pass judgement

Sandi2472

Princess Calla wrote: »

I presume the dog lives with the ex wife and kids s
.

The dog belonged to a relative who passed away. He spends a hour or so a day in the house with the dog .and occasionally the house is occupied for the weekend so the dog sleeps inside then.

Tucker tunsel

Sandi2472 wrote: »

The dog belonged to a relative who passed away. He spends a hour or so a day in the house with the dog .and occasionally the house is occupied for the weekend so the dog sleeps inside then.

Is he tied up 23 hours a day

Dial Hard

Is the dog walked? Socialised? Interacted with at all other than being fed twice a day??? It doesn't sound like it and that would be a *huge* deal-breaker for me. That's no life for a dog at all.

What's his objection to you taking the dog???

cocker5

Sandi2472 wrote: »

The dog belonged to a relative who passed away. He spends a hour or so a day in the house with the dog .and occasionally the house is occupied for the weekend so the dog sleeps inside then.

Awful life for the dog - he / she should be handed into a rescue centre for a chance at a half decent life.. that is no life whatsoever

Princess Calla

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Your post is a bit confusing, first you said all your pets live inside then you said you dont have animals.
Personally I wouldnt agree with leaving a dog outside, even with a kennel, its just cruel as far as im concerned.
Im confused as to what you mean by a working dog? Is it a sheep dog or something?
If he doesnt want a dog in the house and cant clear out a shed and put in some insulation for the dog to sleep in, why have a dog at all? That dog could be so much happier in a loving home, even an animal shelter would provide more for him than your boyfriend.
Does he bring the dog for walks? Is the dog socialised? How long has he had it? does he bring it for vet visits & checkups?

The first couple of paragraph are from my post above, she was replying to my post.

She may have removed the quote brackets or something.

Sandi2472

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Your post is a bit confusing, first you said all your pets live inside then you said you dont have animals.
Personally I wouldnt agree with leaving a dog outside, even with a kennel, its just cruel as far as im concerned.
?

Sorry for the confusion .it is a odd situation
I have pets at my house cats ,dogs
No it's not a working dog .no he doesn't go for walks but he does have a large garden to run round .goes to the vet for his routine vaccination s.
I think he feels a connection to the dog as it belonged to a very close relative

Dial Hard

So the dog is completely neglected 23 hours a day.

I couldn't be in a relationship with someone who feels like that's having "a connection" with an animal.

Again, what's his issue with you taking the dog? If he won't countenance that, would he at least hand it in to a rescue? That really is absolutely appalling treatment.

Airyfairy12

Sandi2472 wrote: »

Sorry for the confusion .it is a odd situation
I have pets at my house cats ,dogs
No it's not a working dog .no he doesn't go for walks but he does have a large garden to run round .goes to the vet for his routine vaccination s.
I think he feels a connection to the dog as it belonged to a very close relative

Could you buy a shed or something? Put some insulation into it and a dog basket? Or is there a room in the house the dog could be kept in at night? Like the hall or something? I wouldnt be able to sleep knowing the dog was outside freezing cold.

YellowLead

Has your boyfriend said what he plans to do with the dog in the long term???
It sounds like the dog is living alone in an abandoned house and he is feeding him and socialising with him just once a day.

This is cruel. It doesn’t take a dog owner to understand this isn’t acceptable. Personally I couldn’t date somebody who would display such cruelty to animals. But perhaps he has a plan for the dog that involves somebody else taking him in - it seems very odd he wouldn’t take you up on your offer otherwise, as you say he has a connection to the dog and you are his girlfriend???

Dial Hard

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Could you buy a shed or something? Put some insulation into it and a dog basket? Or is there a room in the house the dog could be kept in at night? Like the hall or something? I wouldnt be able to sleep knowing the dog was outside freezing cold.

Sorry, but none of that is even good enough. Dogs are social animals who need to be part of a pack (human or canine), not left alone for 23 hours a day, every day, regardless of how cosy they are.

How long has this been going on, OP?

Airyfairy12

Dial Hard wrote: »

Sorry, but none of that is even good enough. Dogs are social animals who need to be part of a pack (human or canine), not left alone for 23 hours a day, every day, regardless of how cosy they are.

How long has this been going on, OP?

I agree but doesnt sound like he's going to give the dog away so better than nothing, atleast the dog will be warm.

Antares35

Awful set up for the dog. Dogs are social animals and suffer greatly if isolated. Not to mention the harsh weather conditions in Ireland.

Have you tried to talk to him? Why can't he surrender the animal to you?

Would be a deal breaker for me.

Sandi2472

Airyfairy12 wrote: »

Could you buy a shed or something? Put some insulation into it and a dog basket? Or is there a room in the house the dog could be kept in at night? Like the hall or something? I wouldnt be able to sleep knowing the dog was outside freezing cold.

It's causing me to lose sleep.yes I am thinking about ending the relationship unless this is resolved
His kennel is waterproof and fairly wind proof
.I don't know why the dog can't sleep in the kitchen of the empty house either
B/f doesn't know if the dog would be happy with me ie inside and taken for walks.

Antares35

Sandi2472 wrote: »

B/f doesn't know if the dog would be happy with me ie inside and taken for walks.

But he thinks he's happy outside and only having minimal interaction? What dog isn't happy taken for walks? Sorry OP that sounds like a BS excuse from him.

Sandi2472

Antares35 wrote: »

Awful set up for the dog. Dogs are social animals and suffer greatly if isolated. Not to mention the harsh weather conditions in Ireland.

Have you tried to talk to him? Why can't he surrender the animal to you?

Would be a deal breaker for me.

Yes I v tried talking to him but he won't budge at the moment.he says maybe one day but that's no good to the dog

Antares35

Sandi2472 wrote: »

Yes I v tried talking to him but he won't budge at the moment.he says maybe one day but that's no good to the dog

It's a terrible dilemma to be in OP. Really sorry

Dial Hard

Sandi2472 wrote: »

Yes I v tried talking to him but he won't budge at the moment.he says maybe one day but that's no good to the dog

How long has the dog been in this situation?

Sandi2472

Dial Hard wrote: »

How long has the dog been in this situation?

A few months .I raised the issue when the relative passed away .

Zebrag

I draw the line here when I hear people say they leave their dogs outside. Whether it's an "out door dog" (whatever that means) or fully trained, leaving your dog outside constantly doesn't scream dog lover to me.

It screams laziness and can't be physically bothered to look after the dog but will gladly say they have a dog, for the sake of it. Either you love your dog or you're not capible of caring for a dog.

Your boyfriend sounds like he either doesn't own the dog or if worst case he does but just feels obliged to just have the responsibility to fed it and that's that. Dogs aren't like humans but they can suffer too. Long term isolation is a form of mistrust to an animal and quiet frankly it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't give two fiddlers. It doesn't matter if the kennel is waterproof or wind proof or even fart proof. Irish weather, especially now, is hardly survivable. To leave a dog outside constantly is just crazy to me.

I've had 2 dogs in my lifetime and the most they go outside is for a walk and maybe an hour or two out the back for play times (you know how they are like with birds) and often they've just liked to go outside to lie on the ground in the sun. But it wouldn't occure to me to leave the dogs outside for hours on end expecting them to entertain themselves until I felt necessary to give 2 minutes attention.

This isn't a relationship problem as such seeing as you've been with him for 5 years, more like a pet peeve (no pun) and it seems like now you've reached your limit.

If it's not his dog then you've no say. If it is his dog and you've given all resources to help so far as offering to take the dog then I would really think about telling him that it's something that could be reported as neglet if it is a case of him only seeing the dog just to feed them and then leaving them outside for 23 hours a day

Antares35

Zebrag wrote: »

I draw the line here when I hear people say they leave their dogs outside. Whether it's an "out door dog" (whatever that means) or fully trained, leaving your dog outside constantly doesn't scream dog lover to me.

It screams laziness and can't be physically bothered to look after the dog but will gladly say they have a dog, for the sake of it. Either you love your dog or you're not capible of caring for a dog.

Your boyfriend sounds like he either doesn't own the dog or if worst case he does but just feels obliged to just have the responsibility to fed it and that's that. Dogs aren't like humans but they can suffer too. Long term isolation is a form of mistrust to an animal and quiet frankly it sounds like your boyfriend doesn't give two fiddlers. It doesn't matter if the kennel is waterproof or wind proof or even fart proof. Irish weather, especially now, is hardly survivable. To leave a dog outside constantly is just crazy to me.

I've had 2 dogs in my lifetime and the most they go outside is for a walk and maybe an hour or two out the back for play times (you know how they are like with birds) and often they've just liked to go outside to lie on the ground in the sun. But it wouldn't occure to me to leave the dogs outside for hours on end expecting them to entertain themselves until I felt necessary to give 2 minutes attention.

This isn't a relationship problem as such seeing as you've been with him for 5 years, more like a pet peeve (no pun) and it seems like now you've reached your limit.

If it's not his dog then you've no say. If it is his dog and you've given all resources to help so far as offering to take the dog then I would really think about telling him that it's something that could be reported as neglet if it is a case of him only seeing the dog just to feed them and then leaving them outside for 23 hours a day

I agree with all of this. However on the point of neglect, it's actually a real bug bear of mine that it's a very high threshold in this country. Once an animal has shelter and access to food etc there is very little that the law can do. I know of a dog in a similar situation and it kills me but reporting it will just píss the owner off and who knows what he would do to the dog then, but it doesn't meet the "neglect" or "abuse" standard. It's ridiculous

Zebrag

Antares35 wrote: »

I agree with all of this. However on the point of neglect, it's actually a real bug bear of mine that it's a very high threshold in this country. Once an animal has shelter and access to food etc there is very little that the law can do. I know of a dog in a similar situation and it kills me but reporting it will just píss the owner off and who knows what he would do to the dog then, but it doesn't meet the "neglect" or "abuse" standard. It's ridiculous

It's disgraceful to be honest with you.

I'm all for admitting that you would love a dog but haven't the time or even patience as believe me, dogs, especially as pups can require more patience than a Saint can offer but to have a dog and leave it outside.... Why bother then?

Regardless if it's OPs boyfriends dog or an old relatives dog, do everyone a favour and ask for the kennels to help or even ask around if someone would want to take a dog in. Personally I think it's neglect but you're right, the laws surrounding animal abuse can be a touchy one. You've to be seen to physically abuse an animal for someone to jump in.

I just OP the poor dog gets some form of attention as OP doesn't paint her boyfriend in a good light in terms of the dogs home life

Sandi2472

Antares35 wrote: »

I agree with all of this. However on the point of neglect, it's actually a real bug bear of mine that it's a very high threshold in this country. Once an animal has shelter and access to food etc there is very little that the law can do. I know of a dog in a similar situation and it kills me but reporting it will just píss the owner off and who knows what he would do to the dog then, but it doesn't meet the "neglect" or "abuse" standard. It's ridiculous

Yes I agree with the above post it's ridiculous what the law will allow
We ve had issues in the past like any relationship .but there's no way round this not when it involves another living being
Thanks for all taking the time to respond it's been very helpful

Tork

Being kind, the boyfriend doesn't *get* dogs. Some people just don't connect with them in the way many of us do. That's fine, as long as they don't end up owning one. Some people have strange ideas about dogs, such as their ability to withstand cold temperatures, bad weather and rancid food. It's one thing to not let the dog into the house but quite another to leave it on its own for so long. Especially as this dog lost its previous owner and was treated far better than it is now. Your boyfriend should be honest and admit that he isn't a dog person and isn't interested in looking after it properly. If you're not in a position to adopt the poor unfortunate creature, I'd be pushing to have it given to a dog shelter and rehomed. You'll lose whatever influence you have on this situation if the relationship is to end As to whether this is a dealbreaker for your relationship, that's for you to decide.

leggo

Yeah OP, I’d force this issue to be honest. I’m trying to put myself in your partner’s shoes to see where he could be coming from: you’re offering to basically do all the work and it’s not like he’ll never see the dog as it’ll be at yours.

The only reason I can think of for him to want the situation to continue is if he feels he’d be letting go of the relative or disappointing them if he gave the dog up, not realising or wanting to admit he’s got zero skills to take care of it. So maybe attacking it directly from that standpoint might get a different reaction. “I understand you probably don’t want to let X down but do you think they’d want their dog left out in the cold all day or well looked after? They asked you to mind it but if you can’t do it fully the best thing is to make sure it’s minded by someone who can, and this way you at least still get to see it.” Some variation of that to fit the situation might tick the boxes that are currently holding him back.

qwerty13

Did he inherit money, or the now empty house, on the basis that he looks after the dog? Might that be why he doesn’t want to ‘give it away’?

Big Bag of Chips

Moved from Personal Issues. Local charter now applies.

Big Bag of Chips.

Zak Flaps

I'm an animal lover like yourself OP, particularly dogs. If my partner treated a dog like that, she'd be out the door.
If it's the case that the dog is on it's own for 22/23 hrs per day, it should be reported. That is cruelty, plain and simple.

Dial Hard

Zak Flaps wrote: »

I'm an animal lover like yourself OP, particularly dogs. If my partner treated a dog like that, she'd be out the door.
If it's the case that the dog is on it's own for 22/23 hrs per day, it should be reported. That is cruelty, plain and simple.

Unfortunately reporting will do nothing, the laws in Ireland are ridiculously lax - once the dog has food, water and shelter (literally three walls and a roof), it's not considered neglected under our legislation. The OP needs to appeal to her partner's sense of decency. Although I'm still completely at a loss as to what his objections are to letting her look after the dog.

Sandi2472

Sandi2472 wrote: »

I have asked if I can have the dog as I feel
1 the dog shouldn't sleep outside when it's -4 etc
2 the dog must be lonely .
But he's unwilling to let me

Do you have access to the dog?

In your shoes, I'd force the situation. I'd literally go and take the dog from the garden and bring it home with you, and deal with your partner's reaction afterwards. Better to ask forgiveness, then permission.

If he still refuses to allow you to look after the dog, then he would be kicked out the door and I wouldn't let him take the dog either. :mad:

heretothere

The poor dog, I really don't understand you boyfriends reasons for not letting you take the dog! I always grew up with dogs inside. I found it sad to adjust to my in-laws keeping their dog outside, in a kennel, in the cattle shed. But it was a working dog (sheep dog) she would be running around the farm and interacting with my in-laws all day. This poor dog is probably so lonely. Try to have another chat with him, tell him it'll just be a trial for a week then don't give the dog back!!

the beer revolu

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Do you have access to the dog?

In your shoes, I'd force the situation. I'd literally go and take the dog from the garden and bring it home with you, and deal with your partner's reaction afterwards. Better to ask forgiveness, then permission.

If he still refuses to allow you to look after the dog, then he would be kicked out the door and I wouldn't let him take the dog either. :mad:

What you are advocating is theft.

Graces7

There are two issues here. The welfare of the dog and your relationship.

If this means breaking up, then maybe a warning - and maybe a lucky escape ?

Maybe he will change?

And it would put you in a better position to help the dog. Which is priority ?

Reading the thread I am wondering how aware or otherwise urban dwellers are of rural and especially farm dogs? They are often always tied up in the yard. Period.

When I first took Sandy , my collie . in, the "owners" by inheritance) were incredulous that I was "allowing" her in the house.

Owning critters carries a deep responsibility to care for their needs; they are helpless in so many ways unless we do that.

Wishing you well. Truly; you have a hard choice here.