Relationship breakup

1874

road_high wrote: »

How did you find out about the texts OP? Do you think there’s more to it?

There's probably only a limited number of ways it could happen, Id think it would be inadvisable for the OP to say how for a few reasons,
It might not sound reasonable and could get turned on by people or give them away and drop them in it, or they might just have overheard or found something left laying about.

Rodin

Dtp1979 wrote: »

Try and keep your cool. Any verbal abuse you throw at her will be used against you.

And the texts against her...

charlie14

Dave46 wrote: »

My girlfriend has decided she wants to break up with me and me to move out, we are not married but we have 2 children together,
I was given the site by my father worth 150000 at the time i got planning for the house solely on my own as she is not from the area (gaeltacht)
We got a joint mortage for 210000 to build and are about 10 years into the mortgage with another 20 years to go. The house is currently valued at 350000. Any advice on where i stand on this issue i work fulltime salary 35000 per year she doesnt work,
Thanks in advance

A married female friend of mine went through this a few years ago. Husband moved out. Three kids, one had moved out a year before and the other two in college. She worked earning around 25K per annum. Husband around 100K.
Some here have said consult a solicitor, but if that was me from what I saw with her, is consult by all means, but make sure the solicitor in no way contacts her. That just starts a vicious circle where nobody wins other than solicitors.
Husband offered her a 60% split on the sale of the house. Two years later court ruled a 60- 40 split, house to be sold within a year and both of them ended up with massive solicitors fees.
An agreed consultation service rather than solicitors would be my advice for what it`s worth.

html6

No doubt your head is spinning, there is the tightest knot in your stomach and heart. You can't control what she does but you can control yourself. You have to let her go. As I said only talk about the kids and other house business. Keep moving forward and bettering yourself. You lead and she will follow when she sees you moving forward without her.

Ta me cinnte gur beidh tu ceart go leoir

charlie14

Dave46 wrote: »

Just found out she has been messaging an old male friend from england!!!! Very flirty texts between the 2 of them, now im really in the ****.
Thank god for covid and the travel ban

I know it feels like betrayal on her part, but other than that it will make no difference.Courts do not award on the basis of who is to blame.


The payslip issue I would be more worried about. Sounds as if she has got involved with a solicitor. Could you possibly get her to understand that both of you having to pay solicitors large fees for drawing this out clocking up billing hours is in neither of your financial interests ?

Mimon

TheBoyConor wrote: »

There is no automatic right no, but that doesn't mean a judge would take custody from a mother willy nilly. There would have to be a set of extremely compelling and serious indisputable circumstances before a judge would take custody away from a mother. For example, repeated instances of neglect that has not been resolved by repeated interventions, the mother being a clear danger to the children through behaviours like drug use and violence, profound mental instability etc.

She might not have contributed much to the mortgage monetarily, but by her work in the home and raising the children, she could have could have claim to a significant share as there will be a value attached to that work in the home.

What about 50/50 custody. Surely no judge should deny this if the man wants it?

Means she can move out and be responsible for a roof over her and the kids heads for that half custody time.

Peregrinus

Mimon wrote: »

What about 50/50 custody. Surely no judge should deny this if the man wants it?

Means she can move out and be responsible for a roof over her and the kids heads for that half custody time.

The paramount consideration is not going to be what the man wants, or what the woman wants; it's what's going to be in the best interests of the kids. A strict 50% split of the custody, which necessarily involves, e.g., going to and from school from different homes on different days of the week, or different weeks of the term, is not necessarily optimal from the kid's point of view.

charlie14

charlie14 wrote: »

An agreed consultation service rather than solicitors would be my advice for what it`s worth.

I think you mean Collaborative Practice?

That can work very well if both parties agree to it.

Dave46

html6 wrote: »

No doubt your head is spinning, there is the tightest knot in your stomach and heart. You can't control what she does but you can control yourself. You have to let her go. As I said only talk about the kids and other house business. Keep moving forward and bettering yourself. You lead and she will follow when she sees you moving forward without her.

Ta me cinnte gur beidh tu ceart go leoir

Grma

Mimon

Peregrinus wrote: »

The paramount consideration is not going to be what the man wants, or what the woman wants; it's what's going to be in the best interests of the kids. A strict 50% split of the custody, which necessarily involves, e.g., going to and from school from different homes on different days of the week, or different weeks of the term, is not necessarily optimal from the kid's point of view.

No situation in a split up is optimal. Life isn't optimal. Can't see the issue with this if both parents are living in the same area.

charlie14

Deleted User wrote: »

I think you mean Collaborative Practice?

That can work very well if both parties agree to it.

Thanks for that.

That is exactly what I meant. Reading back my own post it gives the impression that I was advising a consultation process where they could attempt working through their problems.
They may decide to do that anyway at some point, but right now rather than having solicitors fighting corners and clocking up billing ours, they would be better contacting a collaborative practice that will without bias tell each where the stand legally and give them a clear understanding of how the court will rule on financial, property and family matters in regards to the children.
If they both can come to an agreement it will be legally binding, and in my friends case had she gone that way, a hell of a lot cheaper for both parties than the solely legal route for the same result.

Mimon

Mimon wrote: »

No situation in a split up is optimal. Life isn't optimal. Can't see the issue with this if both parents are living in the same area.

Birdnesting or "nesting parenting" is becoming an increasingly popular way for seperated parents to co-parent, though the prices of rent here may be a stumbling block.

It's where the kids stay put in their home, and both parents rotate in and out of it, instead of the kids.

html6

As I said better yourself and also your children. Your health comes first. Don't stop there start developing other interests. If you enjoy your work get a promotion or ask for a raise. If you keep moving forward with your kids she will be left behind.

When she realizes she is being left behind she will try to come back to you. By which time it may be to late for her and she will have to pull up trees to get back to you. Don't be malicious about it but you have to cut her out. You have to be strong and extremely cool.

2012paddy2012

limnam wrote: »

If they're not married I don't believe that to be true.

Do you have a source for this? Be interested to get clued up on it

It is true. Married / living together , makes no odds .

Peregrinus

limnam wrote: »

If they're not married I don't believe that to be true.

Do you have a source for this? Be interested to get clued up on it

Civil Partnership and Certain Rights and Obligations of Cohabitants Act 2010. Check out Part 15 (section 177 onwards).

Basically, if you and your current reason for living "live together as a couple in an intimate and committed relationship" you are "cohabitants". And if you have been cohabitants for 5 years, or if you have been cohabitants for 2 years and have had a child together, you are "qualified cohabitants". And if you are qualified cohabitants and your relationship breaks down, then either of you can seek the same range of maintenance orders, property adjustment orders, attachment of earnings orders, etc that would be available if you were a married couple whose relationship had broken down.

In order to get one of these orders you'll have to satisfy the court that you are financially dependent on your partner. But couples who cohabit for any period of time are nearly always financially interdependent, so this isn't a big hurdle.

1874

This also seems to be the case?


https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/property_rights_and_the_breakdown_of_a_cohabiting_relationship.html


If a cohabiting couple splits up, the family home (and other family assets) will belong to the person who holds the legal title to the home/assets. This means that in the case of the family home, the person who originally bought the house and whose name is on the title deeds will usually own the house.
This also applies to a married couple who split up. Marriage does not automatically give you ownership of your spouse’s assets. Where the family home was bought and registered in both spouses’ names, they are the joint owners. However, where the house is registered in the name of one spouse only, it may be solely that spouse’s property.

1874

same link
Which suggests if someone hasn't contributed financially isnt necessarily entitled to ownership,
A person cant just say, Im out and I'll take your assets with me, so Id be very careful in dealings with them or giving them any further information.
edit, someone may have their name on the mortgage or deeds (not sure how so if they are on benefits, maybe they weren't at the time of application), although they may have less claim if they didn't contribute financially.

Rules

If your relationship breaks down and your name is not on the title deeds to the house, you may still be able to show that you have some ownership rights in relation to the house. These rights are based on the fact that you made a contribution to the purchase price of the house with the intention of gaining a share in the ownership of the house.
Contributions to the purchase price of the house can be direct or indirect. Direct contributions include contributions to the initial down payment for the house or contributions to the mortgage installments. Indirect contributions may include paying some of the other day-to-day household expenses or unpaid work in the legal owner of the house's business. It has been held by the courts that working in the home looking after children and money spent or work done on home improvements are not contributions that give you any right of ownership in relation to the house.
Usually, where you can show that you have made a contribution to the purchase price of the house, you will be entitled to a share in the house in proportion to your contribution. For example, if you have shown that you paid off half of a mortgage that represented 90% of the purchase price, you would be entitled to 45% of the ownership of the property.
As well as showing that you made a financial contribution to the purchase price of the house, you must also show that your contribution was made with the intention of gaining a share in the ownership of the house and that you were not making a gift of the money to the legal owner of the house.

Ginger83

occupied wrote: »

I have been in this situation (as the mother of three young kids at the time, they are all teens now) and my ex-husband refused to leave thehome we lived in for a few years after I ended the relationship.

It was absolutely awful. Just horrible for everyone for us to continue sharing a home. It was like living in a pressure cooker and was not a healthy environment for the kids. My kids all recall that time as being extremely unhappy with the adults arguing and feeling tense and stressed all of the time because of the living situation. It might work better in a bigger house where there is more space so the parents are not under each others feet all the time but I wouldn't advise this course of action at all unless there is absolutely no other option.

I stayed in the family home after my ex finally moved out as I was and still am the primary carer. This suited my ex as he could focus on his career without having to worry about childcare. My ex rents a home now where the kids stay with him regularly and this arrangement has thankfully worked well for us.

The thing is, the children of parents who split up have not chosen to have their lives turned upside down. And from experience, the only thing that happens when the adults decide to wage war on each other is that the kids suffer horribly. My kids were very small when we broke up and they still remember the first few years after we separated. They heard all of the arguments behind closed doors and felt all of the tension. They all say they are much happier now, even though me and their dad live apart.

Please try to resist the urge to hurt your ex for leaving the relationship. And despite the posts on here that are dragging her through the mud and assuming that she will want to take you to the cleaners, she is still the mother of your children and your kids will be watching how you both treat each other in the coming months and years.

Not all women are out to get everything they can from their ex partner. I live in the family home, sure. But I am much worse off financially than my ex. I have spend many, many hours worrying about money and robbing Peter to pay Paul over the years. But it is still preferrable to staying in a relationship that was broken. I am content, my ex is happy and most importantly the kids are happy too. They have seen their parents treat each other with (mostly) respect and kindness and that has helped them feel safe and secure with having two parents living apart. I have never taken advantage over money and to that end my ex has never withheld maintenance or failed to share joint costs because we both understood that if we started playing silly buggers with each other the kids would be the ones to lose out. By all means, take advice on financial matters, but try not to use money to punish your ex.

You are right to seek professional advice. Just be wary of letting other hurt people colour your choices. It is possible to break up amicably, even with children and property involved. At the end of the day, the kids are the ones who will be most affected by you and your ex-g/f decisions from now on and they will rely on you both to help them adjust. Obviously it's a bit more complicated as you are not married but it's totally possible to reach an amicable agreement that works for both parties. You just don't read about it very often on here!

Best of luck. I know it sucks, but there will be a time when things are better again.

Your ex refused to leave his home after you ended things. Why should he?