wife beaters, what makes them tick?

pgj2015

This is something I have never been able to get my head around, why do men beat their wives/partners? im guessing it is because they are deeply unhappy with their lives but so are a lot of people and they would never do such a thing.

what is their problem? I will never get my head around it, beating someone smaller and weaker than you. pure scum obviously, it is something I couldnt forgive if I found out a friend of family member were guilty of it. The scary thing is it seems to be very common.

Stan27

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is something I have never been able to get my head around, why do men beat their wives/partners? im guessing it is because they are deeply unhappy with their lives but so are a lot of people and they would never do such a thing.

what is their problem? I will never get my head around it, beating someone smaller and weaker than you. pure scum obviously, it is something I couldnt forgive if I found out a friend of family member were guilty of it. The scary thing is it seems to be very common.

May it makes them feel more manly/ powerful.

Cerveza

Tiny penis more than likely. The government should provide free penis pumps.

tayto lover

They’re bullies basically and control freaks.

pgj2015

I wonder if someone was a bully in school, would they be a higher risk for being a woman beater when they get older?

Explosive_Cornflake

not to make light of it, but as Jimmy Carr said

It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife... I mean, it's your wife- it's like keying your own car!

Mystery Egg

It's men who want to control everything around them.

They can't control anything much, but they might be able to control their family by literally beating them into submission.

Your Face

Scumbags gonna scum.

pgj2015

Mystery Egg wrote: »

It's been who want to control everything around them.

They can't control anything much, but they might be able to control their family by literally beating them into submission.

The ones I have come across seem to fit that theory, losers who have nothing going for them most of the time.

punisher5112

Mentally retarded they are.

seamus

There's no singular reason. The majority are major control freaks who manipulate through violence. They want others to do what they say, and get frustrated when they don't, believing that beating them back into line is OK.
There are other forms of coercive control, abusive partners that are never violent, I don't think "wife beaters" should be top of the scum pile just because their nature is more overt. Other types of abuse can be considerably more damaging.

A smaller proportion are individuals with major anger issues or other mental illness, who cannot control their emotions and lash out in anger.

pgj2015

seamus wrote: »

There's no singular reason. The majority are major control freaks who manipulate through violence. They want others to do what they say, and get frustrated when they don't, believing that beating them back into line is OK.
There are other forms of coercive control, abusive partners that are never violent, I don't think "wife beaters" should be top of the scum pile just because their nature is more overt. Other types of abuse can be considerably more damaging.

A smaller proportion are individuals with major anger issues or other mental illness, who cannot control their emotions and lash out in anger.

why cant they? That sounds like an excuse for them.

statto25

Ive been doing some research into this and it can stem from unresolved childhood issues such as abuse or witnessing abuse. They take away those experiences and then apply them to their own lives. It sounds mad that you'd rehash the past in your own life but its all too common

biko

It's such a terrible and despicable thing to do, violence against the person who loves you and lives with you.
All too common I'm sure :mad:

seamus

pgj2015 wrote: »

why cant they? That sounds like an excuse for them.

If you've ever been overcome with grief or anger, you understand what it feels like to have an emotion take control of you despite your best effort to keep it under wraps.

For most of us the threshold for this is incredibly high, and even when it does happen we can usually bring ourselves back in line by walking away or taking deep breaths or whatever.

But imagine that you were mentally not strong enough to wrestle that back under control. Think about how emotionally fragile you are in the depths of a sickness, or after fifty pints the previous night. And imagine you felt like that all the time.

Managing emotion is a skill that most people learn naturally as we grow up, but some people may have a mental illness (like depression, bipolar disorder, etc) that makes emotional regulation difficult. Others may have suffered a physical brain injury or PTSD which affects their learned ability to regulate their emotions.

I have no doubt there is a cohort who feel like throwing a few punches is OK when you're angry. But for many who just lash out, it's a fundamental failure of emotional regulation. That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't necessarily make them "bad people" unless they refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it.

Think about that guy that everyone knew as a teenager who would end up in fights at the end of night after a few pints. Poor ability to regulate their emotions, but they could just about hold it together sober. You probably don't remember them as controlling or manipulative, yet they'd somehow always find someone to pick a fight with at the end of the night. Sometimes these guys grow up and the only person to pick a fight with is their spouse.

PsychoPete

It's the love for vests

Mad_maxx

pgj2015 wrote: »

why cant they? That sounds like an excuse for them.

Because they are weak

I don't think Seamus was excusing them at all

pgj2015

Mad_maxx wrote: »

Because they are weak

I don't think Seamus was excusing them at all

I think some of them are just bad to the core, evil.

arex93

seamus wrote: »

That doesn't excuse it, but it doesn't necessarily make them "bad people" unless they refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it.

Agree, if we treat them as bad people/monsters we are already saying that they have no solution. And I believe that it is possible to change the behaviour if you are open to change and look for help.

WesternZulu

Stella artois

BrianD3

There's an element of women being drawn to violent men with some marrying them. Before everyone piles on top of me and accuses me of being a neckbeard misogynist, I'm not victim blaming here just stating how things are.

Nerds who wouldn't hurt a fly - little or no success with women. No wife = no wife beating.
Gangsters, thugs, drug dealers, sociopaths, bullies, assholes - plenty of success with women.

So what makes wife beaters tick, in many cases it's just them being their usual asshole if not thug selves. Same individuals likely to engage in animal cruelty IME.

randd1

Domestic abusers are just scum. Mentally weak people who need to feel in control by exerting physical violence on their partner. Some even get a thrill out of it.

Mad_maxx

pgj2015 wrote: »

I think some of them are just bad to the core, evil.

of course but some are just very weak , my fiances granddad was a chronic alcoholic who drank himself to death , he kicked the bucket at fifty one but beat his wife along with leaving the eight kids near starving , he was a pathetic loser rather than evil

SEPT 23 1989

WesternZulu wrote: »

Stella artois

Special Brew

randd1

BrianD3 wrote: »

There's an element of women being drawn to violent men with some marrying them. Before everyone piles on top of me and accuses me of being a neckbeard misogynist, I'm not victim blaming here just stating how things are.

Nerds who wouldn't hurt a fly - little or no success with women. No wife = no wife beating.
Gangsters, thugs, drug dealers, sociopaths, bullies, assholes - plenty of success with women.

So what makes wife beaters tick, in many cases it's just them being their usual asshole if not thug selves. Same individuals likely to engage in animal cruelty IME.

The insane idea that they can take a bad boy and make him good, and change him into a prince of sorts. Fairytale stuff that usually has a nightmare ending.

dennyire

What about Husband beaters








































What about Husband beaters?
















/

Mad_maxx

BrianD3 wrote: »

There's an element of women being drawn to violent men with some marrying them. Before everyone piles on top of me and accuses me of being a neckbeard misogynist, I'm not victim blaming here just stating how things are.

Nerds who wouldn't hurt a fly - little or no success with women. No wife = no wife beating.
Gangsters, thugs, drug dealers, sociopaths, bullies, assholes - plenty of success with women.

So what makes wife beaters tick, in many cases it's just them being their usual asshole if not thug selves. Same individuals likely to engage in animal cruelty IME.

it is indeed the case that violent thugs are rarely single or at least celibate , most in jail have female visitors and are rarely without offspring , many women are attracted to that type of guy

Mad_maxx

dennyire wrote: »

What about Husband beaters










































What about Husband beaters?
















/

they exist too

completedit

It probably happens more than we care to admit.
Women don't really like nice men but even nice men can be abusive. I've had one or two relationships and while I've never been violent or close to it, I can see how situations can deteriorate before you even know it. Sometimes my feeling of ineptness would spiral out of control and I'd just want to fly off the handle. With me, it manifested itself in defensiveness. I think men who are more prone to being aggressive but have the same insecurities would react by being physically violent.

dennyire

Mad_maxx wrote: »

they exist too

And except for AMEN we would know nothing about it.
Most men would be too ashamed to admit that there being beaten up by theirn wife wouldnt even talk to thir best friend or family about it, let alone go to Gardai

Richard Hillman

They'll never take responsibility for their own actions. It's always the partners fault for "winding them up" or some sob story from their youth, anger management issues etc.

It's never "I am a bad person and I make bad choices".

Day Lewin

Not sure this should be in After Hours, because it's a serious subject.

I mean: men have always violently dominated their female partners - it was so in the Stone Age, no doubt.
Very, very common still in many societies. In parts of Asia, Africa, India, almost routinely expected.

And no, they probably don't all have tiny willies or mental illness. They just haven't been taught, or compelled, to not do it.

They are a much more aggressive sex, and like to get their own way.

An equally interesting question would be, why don't most modern, civilised humans do it? What cultural norms have been installed to prevent this nasty crime?
As this thread will have shown, it is a particularly loathed and reviled crime against the weaker sex (I think I may use that phrase in this context - for heaven's sake, don't pounce on it) so how has this been achieved?

So much to ponder, sobering stuff.

volchitsa

completedit wrote: »

It probably happens more than we care to admit.
Women don't really like nice men but even nice men can be abusive. I've had one or two relationships and while I've never been violent or close to it, I can see how situations can deteriorate before you even know it. Sometimes my feeling of ineptness would spiral out of control and I'd just want to fly off the handle. With me, it manifested itself in defensiveness. I think men who are more prone to being aggressive but have the same insecurities would react by being physically violent.

I don't know what this means.

Also, I think "nice" men who are abusive can't have been all that nice really - and maybe that's what you're thinking of when you say women don't like nice men. Maybe they don't like men who seem nice but where they feel that there's something less pleasant underneath it? (Just guessing here)

completedit

Day Lewin wrote: »

Not sure this should be in After Hours, because it's a serious subject.

I mean: men have always violently dominated their female partners - it was so in the Stone Age, no doubt.
Very, very common still in many societies. In parts of Asia, Africa, India, almost routinely expected.

And no, they probably don't all have tiny willies or mental illness. They just haven't been taught, or compelled, to not do it.

They are a much more aggressive sex, and like to get their own way.

An equally interesting question would be, why don't most modern, civilised humans do it? What cultural norms have been installed to prevent this nasty crime?
As this thread will have shown, it is a particularly loathed and reviled crime against the weaker sex (I think I may use that phrase in this context - for heaven's sake, don't pounce on it) so how has this been achieved?

So much to ponder, sobering stuff.

I think you underestimate humans inherent goodness. I might be wrong but weren't men and female relationships more equal before the Industrial revolution? I remember hearing that before. Perhaps as we became more closed off from the rest of society and lived in our own domains, women as the weaker of the sexes became to be more subjugated by their husbands. I assume a man who showed himself to be violent to his wife would have quickly been dealt with by others in the community when it was more transparent and out in the open.

Purgative

Mystery Egg wrote: »

It's been who want to control everything around them.

They can't control anything much, but they might be able to control their family by literally beating them into submission.

I'm a bit meh on that theory because:


-didn't President Tiny Hands beat his first wife?
- Multiple police attendances to the Johnson household for "domestic"


I'm not saying they're wife beaters but ...

Mad_maxx

completedit wrote: »

It probably happens more than we care to admit.
Women don't really like nice men but even nice men can be abusive. I've had one or two relationships and while I've never been violent or close to it, I can see how situations can deteriorate before you even know it. Sometimes my feeling of ineptness would spiral out of control and I'd just want to fly off the handle. With me, it manifested itself in defensiveness. I think men who are more prone to being aggressive but have the same insecurities would react by being physically violent.

its better to just allow women what they want in most cases

Samsonsmasher

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is something I have never been able to get my head around, why do men beat their wives/partners? im guessing it is because they are deeply unhappy with their lives but so are a lot of people and they would never do such a thing.

what is their problem? I will never get my head around it, beating someone smaller and weaker than you. pure scum obviously, it is something I couldnt forgive if I found out a friend of family member were guilty of it. The scary thing is it seems to be very common.

Insecurity.
Women always have options with other men.
A man who is insecure about his looks his nude body his penis his sexual performance his masculinity his courage his job his income etc will be in perpetual fear of losing his gf or wife.
He believes women expect men to be the leader in the relationship and to have his sh*t together - a better business house car appearance and to be dominant over other men.
He believes whatever he does will never be good enough and that the woman in his life enjoys humiliating him and putting him down when her "nagging" words are simply love and encouragement.
Full of jealousy he lashes out first verbally then physically in order to put her in her place and assert dominance and control.

Mad_maxx

Day Lewin wrote: »

Not sure this should be in After Hours, because it's a serious subject.

I mean: men have always violently dominated their female partners - it was so in the Stone Age, no doubt.
Very, very common still in many societies. In parts of Asia, Africa, India, almost routinely expected.

And no, they probably don't all have tiny willies or mental illness. They just haven't been taught, or compelled, to not do it.

They are a much more aggressive sex, and like to get their own way.

An equally interesting question would be, why don't most modern, civilised humans do it? What cultural norms have been installed to prevent this nasty crime?
As this thread will have shown, it is a particularly loathed and reviled crime against the weaker sex (I think I may use that phrase in this context - for heaven's sake, don't pounce on it) so how has this been achieved?

So much to ponder, sobering stuff.

much truth in that , traveller men beating their wives is as common as muck , unfortunately for the traveller women , feminists wont call this out as travellers are a sacred cow of progressives

its also common in muslim societies but again they are a progressive left sacred cow so better to focus on the " toxic masculinity " of european whites

I studied this at great length in college.

It's not 'natural'.

Richard Hillman

My cousin goes out with an abuser. She's always had a penchant for those types. The chap was in prison for a machete assault and had his sentence extended for an assault in prison. I've no sympathy for her, she has always gone after those types and welcomed him back after his stretch in prison. Then completely denied it was his fault for nearly hacking somebodies arm off.

You can't help people like that. It's the victims of the emotional abuse that breaks my heart. They are emotionally coercive ****ers. And they love timid women or make their women become timid.

A lot of the victims blame themselves. They are emotionally broken down by the bullying. It's also not completely obvious from the outside either. At least the bruises can be seen, the emotional bruises can't.

pgj2015

Richard Hillman wrote: »

My cousin goes out with an abuser. She's always had a penchant for those types. The chap was in prison for a machete assault and had his sentence extended for an assault in prison. I've no sympathy for her, she has always gone after those types and welcomed him back after his stretch in prison. Then completely denied it was his fault for nearly hacking somebodies arm off.

You can't help people like that. It's the victims of the emotional abuse that breaks my heart. They are emotionally coercive ****ers. And they love timid women or make their women become timid.

A lot of the victims blame themselves. They are emotionally broken down by the bullying. It's also not completely obvious from the outside either. At least the bruises can be seen, the emotional bruises can't.

Many women do escape though, some lucky to escape with their lives from what I have seen.

pgj2015

pgj2015 wrote: »

This is something I have never been able to get my head around, why do men beat their wives/partners? im guessing it is because they are deeply unhappy with their lives but so are a lot of people and they would never do such a thing.

I suspect the reason you can not get your head around it is because the expectation that there is a single thing to get your head around is the wrong place to start.

We humans love a simple answer to a simple question. "Why do people do X" is "because of Y". Job done - get understand it now and we can get on with our lives.

But unfortunately human behavior does not work that way. And a simple human action/activity that occurs in our society often can have any number of reasons and causes and backgrounds.

Why do people become alcoholics? Pick two random alcoholics and the answer will probably be as individual as they are? Why do people sexually abuse children? Because they are pedophiles? Well no - many pedophiles do not abuse any child. While - and this will fry your noodle - many people who abuse children sexually are not pedophiles and are not attracted sexually to children.

Another example - Joe Rogan last week had a guy specializing in Drug Problems on. Rogan asked him what he would say to a mother who had lost kids to drugs and now the remaining kids were on drugs. Expecting an answer like "Get them into Rehab and away from drugs" probably. The actual answer was surprising - to me at least. They guy said he would first and foremost check what drugs the kids were on and where they were getting them - and ensure going forward they were getting good quality stuff. Only then would he address their personal reasons for needing drugs and address those. He too does not believe in a one size fits all explanation for - or solution to - detrimental or harmful human behaviors.

With some but few exceptions - there are no simple one size fits all answers to explain any single human behavior. All of the answers offered on this thread are equally potentially right in any given situation. The only "wrong" answer is to assume any answer given on this thread is right in every case of perhaps even in the majority of cases. The moment anyone says "Yeah anyone doing that thing is <person type x>" or "has <personality issue y>" or "is doing so because <reason z>" they are simply just wrong. They are picking one potentially correct reason - and simply assuming it to be so for everyone.

Reports of physical domestic abuse have apparently - I have not looked into it to confirm - gone up during the Covid lockdowns. I guess this has two causes. One is that people who were abusing before are doing so more in lockdown and the victims simply can not take it any more and have finally reported. The second however is I guess some people are doing it now who never did it before. Which would mean some of the answers on this thread so far simply would not fit. Otherwise why did they not do it all this time and now suddenly are?

The simplest human behavior can have any number of potential explanations - which themselves can be simple or can be massively complex.

katiek102010

I have worked in the area of DV for a long time.

There are just as many female abusers out there as male.

It is predominantly due to some underlying MH issue that causes the abuser to not recognise their limits when it comes to anger management or narcissistim. Many people also grow up in that environment and believe it to be normal.

I saw another poster mention that many people seem to be drawn to abusers. That is not the case.

What is the case is that many victims suffer from severe self esteem issues. This is easily recognised in body language, facial expressions etc. The correct way to phrase it would be.

May abusers deliberately seek out partners with low self esteem to control them and abuse them.

Church on Tuesday

A lot of people, men and women, simply can't keep their emotions in check and a lot of it has to do with how they were brought up in the home as children.

We all lose our temper from time to time, that is fairly normal and part of being human, however, if the individual does not realise that they have lost control of their emotions in that moment and try to address that, there may be a serious problem at hand.

grassylawn

Church on Tuesday wrote: »

A lot of people, men and women, simply can't keep their emotions in check and a lot of it has to do with how they were brought up in the home as children.

We all lose our temper from time to time, that is fairly normal and part of being human, however, if the individual does not realise that they have lost control of their emotions in that moment and try to address that, there may be a serious problem at hand.

You can be extremely angry with someone and not hit them though.
Walk off. Beat the sofa with a cushion. All the immediate catharsis, none of the injury - beyond a lumpy cushion maybe.
Being angry isn't an excuse to hit someone, especially someone who can't defend themselves.
I count women who hit their male partners in the same category, when the man is unwilling or unable to use force to defend themselves.

grassylawn

katiek102010 wrote: »

I have worked in the area of DV for a long time.

There are just as many female abusers out there as male.

It is predominantly due to some underlying MH issue that causes the abuser to not recognise their limits when it comes to anger management or narcissistim. Many people also grow up in that environment and believe it to be normal.

I saw another poster mention that many people seem to be drawn to abusers. That is not the case.

What is the case is that many victims suffer from severe self esteem issues. This is easily recognised in body language, facial expressions etc. The correct way to phrase it would be.

May abusers deliberately seek out partners with low self esteem to control them and abuse them.

People with low self esteem or bad backgrounds are much more likely to accept it or perceive it as normal though.

thecretinhop

Stella Artios

Feisar

Stan27 wrote: »

May it makes them feel more manly/ powerful.

Doubt it's that, I always preferred loosing a hard fight than winning an easy one. It's easy beat someone up, it's hard to get up when you should stay down.

Church on Tuesday

grassylawn wrote: »

You can be extremely angry with someone and not hit them though.
Walk off. Beat the sofa with a cushion. All the immediate catharsis, none of the injury - beyond a lumpy cushion maybe.
Being angry isn't an excuse to hit someone, especially someone who can't defend themselves.
I count women who hit their male partners in the same category, when the man is unwilling or unable to use force to defend themselves.

You shouldn't hit anyone full stop.

Buddy Bubs

Has anyone thrown out the mental health excuse yet, the poor divils have mental health issues God bless them. It's not their fault

FintanMcluskey

We are products of our environment.

If you witness it growing up you are more likely to repeat it.

That, low IQ and poor problem solving skills increase the risk of it happening.