Partner annoyed about me asking to cook separate meals

heebusjeebus

heebusjeebus wrote: »

We do. Read the OP again.

You might want to challenge your own assumptions there.

OP, if you have time to cook and wash up and she doesn’t, just get on with doing it.

Partnership is not about splitting chores, bills and the mundane 50/50. It’s about sacrifice and accommodation for one another when we can, leaving more time and energy to enjoy meaningful pursuits together.

If I got home to find a sink full of dishes and Netflix playing away, I’d hit the roof. If my other half has no commute and I spend an hour in the car each way for work, I expect she’ll think of US and use the time in a way that means our time together is not spent doing chores she could have done earlier.

ILoveYourVibes

Hi Op

Dtp1979 wrote: »

We don’t know that the OP is a man!

We don't

We don't know history whether the op was once doing everything.
But we do know covid is here ..its a strange time.

We are stuck in doors. That means families have to get on.

Its strained already.

I dont see the fuss of making two portions for dinner.

Boil twice as much rice etc. Put on two chicken breasts.

It doesn't have to be indefinite.

Ask your other half to just be not too fussy and just eat what you eat.

eviltwin

You’re being incredibly selfish OP. She’s working in health care in the middle of a pandemic. She’s probably physically and mentally drained. The least you can do is make sure she doesn’t have to do a dinner when she comes home. If it’s that big a deal to help her out during the most challenging time in her sector maybe you should be single.

Lesalare

I'm sort of in shock at the original post. Stop being such an arse and make dinner for your partner who is risking her life every day to help others. No, she's not being unreasonable. You sound like a spoilt brat. Sorry.

HalfAndHalf

We don’t know the OP is a man, only that their partner is a woman.

For me, this is not how a relationship works and the fact you’re asking the question shows you don’t know how it works at all.

It isn’t about being 50/50 it’s about supporting each other. If you think that cooking dinner all the time currently because you WFH and your partner goes off to work frontline during a worldwide pandemic is ‘being taken advantage of’ I’m not convinced your relationship will last.

Big Bag of Chips

You asked for 50/50, and when your partner felt this wasn't fair considering you are in the house all day (not busy) and she is out of the house most days, your suggestion was that you do 100% of your own cooking.

If you are in a position to cook your own dinner every day, why would you not just do enough for 2?

CageWager

If my partner was working in frontline healthcare I would tend to cut them some slack and go the extra mile to make their life outside of work easier while the pandemic is going on, it won’t last forever.

Having said that, if this was a thread about a man who worked in a stressful/tiring job like construction or finance coming home and expecting his partner to do all the cooking and cleaning because they have an easier job, I highly doubt the advice here would be “jeez, just cook his dinner for him” and “how can you expect him to do 50% of the housework”.

Gruffalux

CageWager wrote: »

If my partner was working in frontline healthcare I would tend to cut them some slack and go the extra mile to make their life outside of work easier while the pandemic is going on, it won’t last forever.

Having said that, if this was a thread about a man who worked in a stressful/tiring job like construction or finance coming home and expecting his partner to do all the cooking and cleaning because they have an easier job, I highly doubt the advice here would be “jeez, just cook his dinner for him” and “how can you expect him to do 50% of the housework”.

How do you reckon that? If it was a woman at home with a flexible work from home situation which left her time to cook easily, I would actually think it was pretty mean if she told her husband coming in off a stressful time-consuming job that he should cook separately for himself as she didn't want to end up doing more than her fair share. 100%.

Big Bag of Chips

Gender generalisations rarely offer anything of benefit to a thread. As some posters have pointed out, we don't know if the OP is male or female. We do know that they are at home with time to spare and their partner works outside the home.

Advice should be offered based on what the OP presents. "Whatabout if..." is rarely relevant.

Thanks

eviltwin

Sharing chores 50/50 is great in theory but it rarely works. Things happen meaning one person is stretched a bit more than the other and asking them to do half is unfair. This is a division of labour you could consider when you are both on an even playing field but as it stands she is doing a lot by going to work in an environment where she is literally putting herself at risk. I think you need to respect the toll that takes and cut her some slack. Make the dinners.

iamwhoiam

Absolutely cook her dinner and its the least you can do to support her . My god why make something so simple so complicated ?

ILoveYourVibes

OP

50/50 is about balance right? Well there is movement in balance.

The more rigid you get the more you fall over. You have to ....chill be more flexible.

And she will have to with you too.

So you do more of one thing right now.

Its a part of balance. Sometimes doing 50/50 ..means giving more than 50% percent ...over the life of a whole relationship.

Stan27

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

Dude...... Cook her some food for F sake.
My gf is a nurse and she is exhausted with work. I actually drive and collect her once a week to help her. (2hr round trip, which is 4 hours a day with dropping off and collecting her).
Grow up.

kitkat275

Hi all, OP here,

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I have a confession...I’m the woman here, I posted from my partners point of view as I thought maybe replies would my biased (in my favour) and also that I wanted people to consider it from his point of view, e.g. there were posts about maybe a feeling of entitlement on my part. Mods and posters, I’m sorry if this wasn’t appropriate!
Anyway, we just had a brief conversation there, I had to walk away as I was getting upset. I said that I don’t feel like he understands how stressful my job has been over the last year, it’s not always physically demanding but I’m dealing with people who are increasingly upset and stressed with the seriousness of covid and it can be very mentally draining when it’s offloaded onto me. I also pointed out that it’s not like I don’t do anything, for example on my day off I went to the shop and got ingredients and made a nice dinner, I also washed up after we got a takeaway last weekend and washed up after he made dinner the following night. I had said previously that I’m too exhausted to cook sometimes and if he doesn’t want to make dinner that’s fair enough and I can make something in the micro or have a bowl of cereal. I said I think we have different ideas of what a partnership should be, I.e. not keeping tabs. Plenty of times I do more than my fair share but I don’t make a big deal out of it. He was very defensive and getting agitated so I had to walk away as I was getting upset

Caranica

Doesn't sound like much of a partnership to me if he's keeping score. Are you actually happy in the relationship?

Idle Passerby

If my partner was happy to cook himself a decent meal then sit back and watch me have a bowl of cereal for dinner after a taxing day at work he wouldn't remain my partner for very long.

HildaOgdenx

kitkat275 wrote: »

Hi all, OP here,

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I have a confession...I’m the woman here, I posted from my partners point of view as I thought maybe replies would my biased (in my favour) and also that I wanted people to consider it from his point of view, e.g. there were posts about maybe a feeling of entitlement on my part. Mods and posters, I’m sorry if this wasn’t appropriate!

I had guessed it was a reverse, see my post upthread.

Hope that the replies helped.

Qwertyminger

Very interesting turn to the thread.

There's every chance hearing it told from only your perspective, you'll leave something out which could potentially change it.

But if the story is as you're describing, then your partner is absolutely 100% remiss in giving you grief about not cooking as often or washing up.

When I read the thread to my OH, they had no doubt in their mind that given the information provided, the man was a selfish and petty individual. I'm not suggesting that they don't love you, but I just don't know if they have your best interest at heart. It seems a callous and cold-hearted thing to raise with you.

You would have to look at the other aspects of the relationship and see are you happy with the give and take there. Is this the only red flag or are there lots of alarm bells.

I personally just can't believe somebody would behave that way to their partner.

eviltwin

He’s a selfish git and not someone you can rely on. Honestly you’re not asking much. Dump him.

iamwhoiam

Maybe show him this thread and the replies . He is being selfish , childish and very unsupportive .
I am a retired nurse and when I came home my dinner was ready , my bed warmed and the kids ready for bed .
When I was off I did the same for my husband . We are partners

mirrorwall14

Honestly if my partner suggested that we go from 50:50 (which wasn’t fair in the first place considering the balance of work in the house) to cooking completely separately (ie more work for both) then I would be questioning the relationship.

Full disclosure, we are shocking at balancing cooking in my house despite both of us working and it usually ends up being me which at times does cause problems. Part of this is because I finish earlier so me cooking is easier than him cooking. But then I have to go back to work after the boys bedtimes to make up the time so I end up more tired. But we talk about it regularly.... and the solutions would never come close to what was suggested here

Sometimes what I’m cooking for me and the kids doesn’t suit him but I would always offer or offer to do him an altered meal and we discuss it every single meal.

However the notion that we would separate to me cooking 100% for me and him 100% for him would be complete lunacy and I would honestly question the relationship itself

dobman88

kitkat275 wrote: »

Hi all, OP here,

Thank you all for taking the time to reply.
I have a confession...I’m the woman here, I posted from my partners point of view as I thought maybe replies would my biased (in my favour) and also that I wanted people to consider it from his point of view, e.g. there were posts about maybe a feeling of entitlement on my part. Mods and posters, I’m sorry if this wasn’t appropriate!
Anyway, we just had a brief conversation there, I had to walk away as I was getting upset. I said that I don’t feel like he understands how stressful my job has been over the last year, it’s not always physically demanding but I’m dealing with people who are increasingly upset and stressed with the seriousness of covid and it can be very mentally draining when it’s offloaded onto me. I also pointed out that it’s not like I don’t do anything, for example on my day off I went to the shop and got ingredients and made a nice dinner, I also washed up after we got a takeaway last weekend and washed up after he made dinner the following night. I had said previously that I’m too exhausted to cook sometimes and if he doesn’t want to make dinner that’s fair enough and I can make something in the micro or have a bowl of cereal. I said I think we have different ideas of what a partnership should be, I.e. not keeping tabs. Plenty of times I do more than my fair share but I don’t make a big deal out of it. He was very defensive and getting agitated so I had to walk away as I was getting upset

I had an idea that the OP sounded like a reverse post but didn't say anything as I wasn't sure if it was appropriate.

I actually can't even fathom behaving like that. My missus has been wfh since last March, I had been working until 2 weeks ago when I got laid off. Tbf to her, she would have had dinner ready mostly during the week except on Wednesday and the odd Friday when she was swamped with work. Wednesday being her busy day every week no matter what.

Now I'm off work, I'm in college so both of us are at home. Monday is my busy day so I'll do breakfast, she will look after lunch and dinner and I'll do the clear up. Tuesday would be a joint effort depending on what's needed. Wednesday, I'll do everything, give the place a nice midweek clean, get a few odd jobs done. Thursday and Friday is a joint effort. Weekends can vary depending on whether she needs to catch up on work or if I need to get stuck into a college project.

I suppose in my very long winded way, I'm trying to say your partner needs a proper dose of cop on and to grow the fcuk up. I'm sure you have enough on your plate with work and could do with walking in the door of an evening and just be able to go into chill mode.

The way hes behaving is extremely childish and immature.

CageWager

CageWager wrote: »

Having said that, if this was a thread about a man who worked in a stressful/tiring job like construction or finance coming home and expecting his partner to do all the cooking and cleaning because they have an easier job, I highly doubt the advice here would be “jeez, just cook his dinner for him” and “how can you expect him to do 50% of the housework”.

I was just thinking that. There would be uproar.

YellowLead

The only thing OP that I would question is - are you sure he’s not busy himself? Has he told you he has lots of time? I would just worry that some people assume those working from home aren’t doing much and therefore have all the time to cook etc. and I would hope that isn’t the case here.

lawred2

kitkat275 wrote: »

Bit of background-
I’m mainly working from home and partner works in healthcare so she’s full time. We had a chat last week about the division of labour regarding cooking and dishes as I felt I was doing more than her, she said that she’s exhausted from working frontline and doesn’t always feel like cooking and that I have more free time (work is pretty quiet due to the nature of my job so I do have some flexibility with my day). I don’t want there to be an expectation that I will be the one to cook and wash up. We split all other housework evenly e.g. weekly house clean. I suggested the other day that we each cook our own meals and I will get the house groceries. She was pissed off and hasn’t talked to me in a few days. Is she overreacting?

Uuurgg

iamwhoiam

[Deleted User] wrote: »

But we dont know if she does or would return the favour. Maybe the crux of the problem.

The OP has disappeared. Maybe we are all being trolled.

I am answering a post in Relationships Problems and I take the posts seriously .

Tork

If I was in your position I would be asking questions about what sort of relationship I was in. As described in your original post, the tone of your partner's thinking is more like that of a parent/errant child or a manager reining in an employee who has been taking the piss. I'm genuinely puzzled about what the big deal about the meals is. As previous posters have correctly pointed out, it's as easy to cook a meal for two as it is for one. You'll still be washing the same pots and utensils afterwards. If you're coming home from work later in the evening, I'm sure you'd be delighted to be able to pull a plate of food out of the fridge and nuke it in the microwave.

Would I be right in guessing that this turn in events didn't come from out of the blue. Have there been issues before?

PmMeUrDogs

OP, if you're making the effort to cook on your days off, and are going so far as to say you'd be happy enough with cereal or a microwave meal and he's still sniping and griping, I genuinely think you need to think seriously about your relationship and its future.


I'm not one to jump to suggesting you dump him, but I think you need to think about your relationship long and hard.

Right now, you're in an extremely difficult, exhausting, mentally and physically draining part of your career, and the man who is supposed to be your closest and most ardent supporter is showing you some callous treatment.

If this is the first time you've come under strain to the point of needing physical assistance, then you need to have a serious chat about relationship expectations.


If it's not the first time, and if he habitually is unsupportive, you should consider the future of your relationship.

kitkat275

To answer some recent posts, yes I know he has plenty of free time. He usually gets up after 11am most days, when I’m off on a weekday I’ve got a glimpse of his routine- he spends some time on his computer doing his hobby, goes out for runs, goes on the exercise bike etc. we have had issues in the past but have made an effort to work through them. To be honest I believe that he has narcissistic traits but I’ve accepted that as a whole person I love him. Honestly I think the dinner issue is an ego thing, that he doesn’t want to feel like he is serving me in some way. I haven’t said that to him nor would I. I believe that I am a kind and supportive partner and I’m definitely not the ‘prinny’ type that’s full of expectations and demands

Big Bag of Chips

OP, I'm going to close this.

Posting in "reverse" is not in the spirit of Personal Issues where posters advise the poster who comes looking for advice.

New replies may come along who only read your opening post, and then the thread becomes pointless with other posters getting frustrated.

If you would like specific relationship advice for you please open a new post with your own issue. Ambushing your partner with "See.. Everyone else thinks your a dick" is never going to end well.

Thanks