Miscarriage - appropriate gift / acknowledgement

cjmcork

Hi folks,

a close relation had a miscarriage last week, we just found out yesterday, I want to send her something to let her know I'm thinking of her - but flowers seem a bit wrong - looking for ideas in terms of what's appropriate / not in yere opinion - thanks.

aquinn

Sorry to hear that.

I would think a nice card with heartfelt condolences is sufficient for now as not too smothering. Down the line maybe at some random time send flowers.

cjmcork

thanks - it's a first for our family (and her family told her she shouldn't talk about it so I want to acknowledge the loss in some way)

aquinn

Extremely unhelpful advice not to talk about it. That is not good for anyone.

LilacNails

There isn't really anything u can give, only a listening ear and genuine support.

I think a thinking of u card, and a message of support is enough. And even a phone call now and then just to see how she is would be better than any gift in my opinion.

Neyite

Avoid any platitudes - "well at least you know you can get pregnant" or "it was meant to be" etc - I even got "maybe you aren't meant to be a mother" from some eejit.



Condolences and gently steering her away from thoughts that she caused it somehow or that there's something wrong with her is far safer. Some women want to talk, others don't, so be guided by her and what she wants to do.



It's estimated that about 20-25% of pregnancies miscarry. Back when tests weren't as effective as the are now, a lot of those would have been put down to a delayed period. So it's very common and often does not point to anything being wrong physically, but that doesn't mean it's easy to go though.

heldel00

I hated the fact that people wanted to brush it under the carpet. Really made me feel that i had done something wrong.

My cousin sent me a lovely card and a beautiful body cream. It was something purely for me that i didn't have to share with anyone!!

cjmcork

Her own mother told her not to tell anyone

Era I ordered a big duuurrtttyyyy hamper full of biccies and choccies for her

Neyite

cjmcork wrote: »

Her own mother told her not to tell anyone

Era I ordered a big duuurrtttyyyy hamper full of biccies and choccies for her

That was the advice of the time (depending on the mothers age). That "least said, soonest mended" was the way to go and that talking about something prolonged the trauma. Now we know that loss of any kind is hard and many people need to process it by talking about it. So her mother is probably well intentioned but just a bit outdated in her views.


You sound like a brilliant friend.

Loveinapril

Fair play to you. I had a miscarriage and felt incredibly alone and like anyone who knew was kind of finished being concerned after about a week. I would go with some sort of indulgent treats, whether that's chocolates or body pampering products (I personally love L' Occitane). Just check in with her and acknowledge that it is a big deal (a lot of people minimise it). If you know how many weeks she was, try hold the date she would have been due in mind when it comes around. I grieved more in the week I was supposed to be due than I did for the whole miscarriage process.

aquinn

Loveinapril wrote: »

If you know how many weeks she was, try hold the date she would have been due in mind when it comes around. I grieved more in the week I was supposed to be due than I did for the whole miscarriage process.

I would disagree with your last point. I would find that too intrusive and personal. Some people are great with dates and some are not. Imagine if the OP were then to remind her relative, by accident or not, that their due date is passing or passed. They will never forget but they don't need to be reminded.

Loveinapril

aquinn wrote: »

I would disagree with your last point. I would find that too intrusive and personal. Some people are great with dates and some are not. Imagine if the OP were then to remind her relative, by accident or not, that their due date is passing or passed. They will never forget but they don't need to be reminded.

I told the OP to hold it in mind, not to make a song and dance out of it. When my friends miscarried, I always tried to remember the general timeframe so that when they were off form or struggling around that time, I knew why and was able to empathise with them without wondering why they weren't feeling great. The OP said it was a close relative so i would imagine that means a sister or sister- in- law. Nothing about acknowledging their grief would be intrusive.

meeeeh

I actually found sympathy a bit intrusive and it almost made feel like my grief (or lack of it) is inadequate. It probably depends a bit at what stage miscarriage happens and what type of personality you are. I had 1st trimester miscarriages and I didn't know when the babies were due neither I thought about them. Just bear in mind that not all of us react or feel the same.

florawest

When I had my miscarriage, got a lovely letter from a close friend who lived a few counties ago, (still look at it occasionally), another friend nearby brought me a lovely bouquet of flowers and to be honest I appreciated both, the flowers friend only knew of my pregnancy when my miscarriage happened.

We all react differently but I think to acknowledge it is definitely the way to go, sorry to hear about her loss.

lazygal

meeeeh wrote: »

I actually found sympathy a bit intrusive and it almost made feel like my grief (or lack of it) is inadequate. It probably depends a bit at what stage miscarriage happens and what type of personality you are. I had 1st trimester miscarriages and I didn't know when the babies were due neither I thought about them. Just bear in mind that not all of us react or feel the same.

Agree with this.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was into the second trimester. I knew I didn't want to have to tell anyone I'd had a miscarriage so didn't tell them about pregnancies at an earlier stage. I wouldn't have wanted flowers etc. It would have felt intrusive.

Lynn Benfield

I bought a tiny decorative box, like a jewellery box, with a butterfly on the lid, for a friend who lost a baby late in the pregnancy. I think she liked it, but I know for sure that she loved the thought. If it was an early miscarriage, some well chosen words in a card may be more than enough.

Neyite

lazygal wrote: »

Agree with this.
I didn't tell anyone I was pregnant until I was into the second trimester. I knew I didn't want to have to tell anyone I'd had a miscarriage so didn't tell them about pregnancies at an earlier stage. I wouldn't have wanted flowers etc. It would have felt intrusive.

True. It's also worth bearing in mind that each half of a couple might feel differently as well - I would be the one that needed to talk to people, my OH didn't want people knowing he was grieving and would feel it intrusive if people in his life knew.

The TTC chat thread on here was where I talked it out so nobody in real life would try to talk to him about it. So if she does feel that she needs to talk but doesn't feel she can talk to real life people about it, an anonymous online group might be helpful.

Also the Early Pregnancy Unit can refer women to a bereavement counsellor if they are having a particularly hard time. A friend of mine found that particularly helpful for her. I was given the details of the counsellor by the EPU after my 5th but at the time I couldn't go.

lazygal

Forums are great for talking things out with people in the same zone.
It is so complex. I'm so glad people can and do talk when they need to.
My mother had a miscarriage and I can't remember it being discussed at the time but we heard about it as we got older. So it was never a thing we thought someone should hide.

Neyite

My mother still talks a lot about hers. I'm going to sound pure heartless here but I'm so over it. Like, I've heard about them for over 30 years now. She doesn't even know how many miscarriages I had myself because she would initially ask me, I'd start to tell her how I was feeling etc and then she'd just interrupt to tell me about each of hers for the hundredth time. Just once, I'd have liked her to listen to me, but she never does so now I don't mention mine at all, ever. And other big life stuff because she's not only the worst listener but a massive blabbermouth too. Then she gets in a huff when she finds out my sister /brother knew about something for months and she didn't. :rolleyes:

lazygal

She sounds like a narcissist.