Best insult you ever heard

EmmetSpiceland

Heard someone refer to a League of Ireland fan as a “wellend” due to his hair and tracksuit. Was very, very, funny.

I was at a funeral this weekend, and overheard someone say, "His (the priest) brother must be the doctor"

CruelCoin

Is saying "blast em with piss" still a bannable offence?

Foreman on a site years ago
"If you were going any slower you'd be in reverse"

Reply

"Sure I'm knackered after shagging your daughter last night, aren't I"

Mad_maxx

wexfordman2 wrote: »

The best part of you ran down your mother's leg.

Full Metal Jacket

wiggle16

"Does your mother know you're wearing hers?" - my friend to a drag queen who asked him if his dad knew he was wearing his clothes (my friend used to dress very preppy)

"Ah, there's Wilma Flintstone again" - my ma, seeing Norma Foley on the TV with those f#cking PEARLS....

"You've a head like a bag of Lego" - overheard in a pub

"Are you just going to keep getting bigger? Like are you ever going to stop?" - A girl I used to work with, during a row with our overweight manager

"You're no use to anybody, including yourself"

Allinall

Shamelessly plagiarised from

https://www.mirror.co.uk/news/politics/winston-churchill-jokes-putdowns-quotes-5032005

Winston Churchill.

Hitting back at female MP Bessie Braddock who said to Churchill: "Winston, you are drunk, and what's more you are disgustingly drunk."

"My dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly."

Mad_maxx

one ive read rather than heard in person , best example of sports sledging ive come across

Rod Marsh ( Australian cricketer ) to Ian Botham who married the ex wife of Marsh and adopted his kids


Rod Marsh " so hows your wife and my kids "

Ian Botham " The Wife is fine , the kids are retards "

B-D-P--

An old one:
A face on ya like a pitbull licking pi$$ off a nettle.

Captain Havoc

She's jumped on more pipe than the Mario brothers

Your Face

When I worked in Galway there was a little lad from Kerry who had a mullet.
They used to call him Frodo.

I envy the people who've never met you.

The Wizards Sleeve

She has a fanny like a wizard's sleeve or a dog yawning....

doublejobbing 2

More an insult to a profession. To describe somewhere empty;

"You'd see more people at a clampers birthday party" :pac::pac:

French Toast

The Wizards Sleeve wrote: »

She has a fanny like a wizard's sleeve or a dog yawning....

Like a ripped out fireplace.

Like a burst couch.

Like a punched lasagna.

Not proud to contribute any of those tbh.

lucalux

"Why do you like ridin' hippos?"

Thelonious Monk

When Oscar Wilde was being cross examined in court by Edward Carson, Dublin's finest Unionist, he asked him if he had ever kissed a teenage boy companion he had been spotted with, "Oh, dear no. He was a peculiarly plain boy. He was, unfortunately extremely ugly. I pitied him for it," Wilde replied.
I always found it funny because of the context and the accusations.

partyguinness

Driving to training one evening about 20 years ago and one of the lads had a story from the weekend about one of his buddies ended up shagging a well known young bank clerk who liked her action after a few drinks

Me: "So what was she like?"
Buddy: "He said it was like a dog wagging it's tail in a bucket of water.."

I nearly crashed the car laughing.

partyguinness

Captain Havoc wrote: »

She's jumped on more pipe than the Mario brothers

or "She has laid more pipe than Wavin"

Bombaby1974

She's been cocked more times than John Wayne's shotgun

mackeire

During the first lockdown during a zoom quiz on a Friday evening with everyone having a few cans.

Two of the lads (in their 40s) slagging each other and one slags the others ma.
The reply was "shut up you slagging my ma, at least I still have a ma, yours is dead in a box somewhere".

The look on the fellas face was absolutely priceless but was made funnier because he had to just take it on the chin and move on.

partyguinness

I actually said this to a player on the pitch one day years ago. He was a right prick and all mouth...but stone useless.

Player: [Can't remember what he said]
Me: [Nice and calmly into his ear] "Do you know what? You are actually the worst player I have ever played against. You really are ****"

So of course every time he lost the ball or made a mistake I would follow it up with "You see. You're ****. Just go home." Nice and calm and huge smirck on my face.

Very simple but it was really effective...he was going mental as I made myself at home in his head. He was getting worse and worse. I was genuinely beginning to feel sorry for him toward the end but he was moved across to the other wing.

Dub Ste

Years ago in my friends house, him and his dad were having an argument about something, can't remember what it was.

My friend was getting the upper hand and his dad was losing it a bit, they carried on for a few more minutes, when his dad said, "can't be arsed arguing with you anymore, you're just a wasted **** !!!!!"

Couldn't believe what he said, my pal was stunned.......funny at the time though !!!

Whilst my mate and I were watching two not so pretty girls playing badminton, he turns to me and says, ‘that’s the only cock they’ll ever get’.

Cerveza

The tide wouldn’t take her out.

Workmate 1 “I’ve got a sense of humor”
Workmate 2 “Ya. I’ve seen your wife”

FrKurtFahrt

Cerveza wrote: »

The tide wouldn’t take her out.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.
I wouldn't mount her to get over a wall.

blackvalley

Memorable afternoon in a tiny bar when by chance we ended up eavesdropping on a conversation between two local wits .The bar man was also involved. Several great laughs but one of the best was when one of the pair launched into telling the barman about "all his travels " . His mate let him talk for a minute and then said " Will ya stop for fffukys sake ! Ya were never more than two foot from a cow****e in yer life "

storker

This is from a long-running UseNet discussion/feud, where one party maintained that the other had accused him of hypocrisy. His interlocutor's response...

"I am not accusing you of hypocrisy - in fact I am of the opinion that you lack the intellectual firepower for anything as advanced as hypocrisy. My theory is simply that you're a fcuking idiot."

IrishLad90

As a young lad i was waiting for my mate at his door to change his trainers when i hear his aulone shout to him 'you better not be out with IrishLad90'
*names changed to protect the identity of burned party

Lynn Benfield

You've a neck on ya like Mike Tyson; said by a girl in my class, to her (admittedly, thick-necked) best friend who sat beside her.

dazberry

Back in the early 90s, one day on the massive queue in the Waterford dole office, and this big fella (who you'd see around working as a bouncer) used to always come in and skip the whole queue - straight to the top and throw in his card. Well one day there was uproar - the two little 'oul lads - 5 foot nothing each in front of me - shouting abuse at him - and one turns to the other and says "sure he'd fall as quick as any man with a kick to the bollocks". Couldn't imagine either of them giving it a go - but you never know...

Captain Havoc

the dickies nose on ya.

The Wizards Sleeve

Captain Havoc wrote:

the dickies nose on ya.

I never met a good Gallagher in my life :pac:

God I love that video.

Guill

Don't call me what your mother reared - Always holds a special place in my heart.

Tig98

grayzer75 wrote: »

If I'd a bucket of mickey's I still wouldn't give her one

If I had a garden of willy's I wouldn't let her look in over the wall

partyguinness

This happened with RTE in 1993. Ireland lost 1-3 to Spain in a WC qualifier. That night after the highlights the Continuity Announcer goes:

"And the comedy continues after the break with Cheers."

akelly02

'' Only 2 things ever came out of Wexford , Tinkers and strawberries.

And you're not a fuuckin strawberry!

Ray Donovan

I’d be a fairly thin fella and a portly (to say the least) guy for some reason one day said to me “.....and you don’t even have an arse”.

I simply replied with “Maybe you could give me the loan of one of yours”.

Body Shaming 101.

StemCell

In the middle of an insult relay....

"Okay, let's stop this now or (as the midwife told your mother) this is going to get ugly"

Purple Mountain

Ray Donovan wrote: »

I’d be a fairly thin fella and a portly (to say the least) guy for some reason one day said to me “.....and you don’t even have an arse”.

I simply replied with “Maybe you could give me the loan of one of yours”.

Body Shaming 101.

'You've got something on your chin...the third one down.'

smellyoldboot

Face on ya like an oul butter voucher.

Dempo1

I'm entering Blanchardstown TC, I see a scuffle just inside the entrance, Security have a scroat they caught alledgedly shop lifting. He's screaming, kicking, spitting (pre covid).

Squad car pulls up, 2 Gardai run in and take over. Handcuffed suspect, still shouting, kicking as he's led out.

Best line from suspect to Gardai

"If you don't let me go, I'll give you so many slaps, you'll think your getting around of applause"

PARlance

partyguinness wrote: »

I actually said this to a player on the pitch one day years ago. He was a right prick and all mouth...but stone useless.

Player: [Can't remember what he said]
Me: [Nice and calmly into his ear] "Do you know what? You are actually the worst player I have ever played against. You really are ****"

So of course every time he lost the ball or made a mistake I would follow it up with "You see. You're ****. Just go home." Nice and calm and huge smirck on my face.

Very simple but it was really effective...he was going mental as I made myself at home in his head. He was getting worse and worse. I was genuinely beginning to feel sorry for him toward the end but he was moved across to the other wing.

Was playing an Irish international's brother and did something similar. Won the first tackle against him and as we were getting up I said, at least there's one footballer in the house.

He was bulling, I was a bit surprised as I'm sure I wasn't the first low life to say something similar. Was all over him for the next 20 mins before he hacked me down off the ball and got a straight red.

Was chatting to him after and we both felt like sh1te tbh. It was a big cup game and there had been a bit of bite between the teams for a few seasons, but no excuse really.

partyguinness

"Sure that crowd took the soup.."

'Nuf said.

Archeron

You're a grumpy bastard, I'm buying you a roundy bed so you can't get out the wrong side of it again.

McGinniesta

I was outside the chipper about two weeks ago.

One of the local skangers threw the following insult at me:

"Your ma is your oul one"

It was so bad it is funny

McGinniesta

Archeron wrote: »

You're a grumpy bastard, I'm buying you a roundy bed so you can't get out the wrong side of it again.

If there is no wrong side then is no right side either

Mysterypunter

There are two that spring to mind, first was two local characters in a betting shop, wasn't too serious, but they were jeering each other, trading insults, and one called the other a chicken molester, the other was two idiots who would not refuse any substance as long as it was illegal. They arrived at a pharmacy and I was supposed to stop certain individuals from entering the premises, I failed miserably, and one was at the head of the queue and the other at the back. Idiot 2, the one at the back, skipped the queue, and idiot 1, who had a bunch of flowers, told him to get back in the queue, idiot 2 said, "nice flowers, are they for your boyfriend? Idiot 1 replied," no they're for my fathers grave", and they started brawling, I was supposed to separate them, but was too busy laughing, but it didn't come to anything, except throwing shapes and threats. Funny out though.