Best insult you ever heard

hurleronditch

In 6th year in school there was a girl who was very loud and mouthy, kinda like the “funny” one from the gang of reasonably popular girls. She was a scrawny little thing, hardly 6 stone drenched through. For the full year she took issue for some reason with one of the real quiet lads in our class, the kinda fella who just kept to 3 or 4 other friends, didn’t play any sport and was into classic cars and rallying and the like.

One day she was sitting behind him and chipping away at him, criticising his motorsport jacket, some answer he gave to the teacher, just generally being a bit of a low key bully. Eventually the guy stands up and just turns around to her and says “Julie, if you had no hands would you wear gloves?” Shes like “you’re such a ****ing weirdo, stop talking” he repeats it, and the class (possibly teacher) tell her to answer it and she goes “of course I wouldn’t” and then he just deadpan goes “why the **** are you wearing a bra so”. Absolute pandemonium in the class.

He literally didn’t say boo to a ghost for 6 years, obliterated this wan with a one liner and went back to being himself for the last month or two before leaving cert.

Wanderer78

hurleronditch wrote:

He literally didn’t say boo to a ghost for 6 years, obliterated this wan with a one liner and went back to being himself for the last month or two before leaving cert.

Silent but deadly, oh i like it!

opti76

I've seen some pricks in my life time but you're a cactus

.red.

I'm not a gynecologist but I knew you were a cnut the first time I met you.

tastyt

My favourite is I think Churchill but could be wrong

He was at a dinner party or something with some real upper class toffs , he was a bit rough around the edges and the lady of he house didn’t take well to his language and stories .

“ if I was your wife I would poison your wine “ she said .

To which he replied “ if I was married to you , I’d drink it “ ☺️

tastyt

I also like “ she’s seen more Japs eyes than a Tokyo optician “

adaminho

I'll rip you're arm off, shove it up your arse and beat you to death with a ****ty arm!

A2LUE42

I am the elder lemon and you are atishoo
One of the older guys to a lippy youngster, back in the early 90's

Andrea B.

"S**t in the bed, did we?"
As shouted at me by an owld Irish lad leanin on a shovel when I arrived on a London site far earlier than my usual tardy time.

celt262

Has anyone mentioned wexford and the strawberry one yet?

Mad_maxx

celt262 wrote: »

Has anyone mentioned wexford and the strawberry one yet?

yep , wasnt that funny the first time

silverharp

hay babe, you keep saying you are good at multitasking so can you sit down and shut up?

Capt'n Midnight

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_sM7T7Fn-tA

BENDYBINN

In my day...Can you drive? Well rev up and f#ck off.... ‘Twas good!

smilerf

I use a wheelchair
Someone insulted me once with the very imaginative well you can't walk
I never realised this I'm devastated

Larbre34

adaminho wrote: »

I'll rip you're arm off, shove it up your arse and beat you to death with a ****ty arm!

Insults like this, which are far too long, are ineffective. You want 3 to 5 words max, sharply delivered, for maximum impact.

To quote Harvey Price, "Hello, you c***"

Classic.

partyguinness

Larbre34 wrote: »

Insults like this, which are far too long, are ineffective. You want 3 to 5 words max, sharply delivered, for maximum impact.

To quote Harvey Price, "Hello, you c***"

Classic.

TBH I wouldnt even class that as an insult- it is just an empty threat of violence (as in the ****ty arm).

xzanti

Not really an insult but I overheard a group of lads in Eddie Rockets.

Lad: Have you got chicken wings?
Waitress: Yeah
Lad: Well fly over there and get us a cheeseburger

Rx713B

One for when your getting done over by someone "***** wearing me like a hat"

the_pen_turner

you would be out of your depth in a car park puddle

kildare lad

You'd look like your ma , if you had a moustache

RobAMerc

at a wedding once when the best man ( a man of very short stature )stood up to make the speech

"Would you stand up so we can see you" shouted one of the guests - to much laughter, particularly from the gooms mates ( clearly an in joke )
"Shut up Murphy" retored the groomsman, "Weren't you warned against drinking on an empty head!" :-)

Have to admit I cried with laughter, Murphy was put in his box rightly

kenmc

hurleronditch wrote: »

In 6th year in school there was a girl who was very loud and mouthy, kinda like the “funny” one from the gang of reasonably popular girls. She was a scrawny little thing, hardly 6 stone drenched through. For the full year she took issue for some reason with one of the real quiet lads in our class, the kinda fella who just kept to 3 or 4 other friends, didn’t play any sport and was into classic cars and rallying and the like.

One day she was sitting behind him and chipping away at him, criticising his motorsport jacket, some answer he gave to the teacher, just generally being a bit of a low key bully. Eventually the guy stands up and just turns around to her and says “Julie, if you had no hands would you wear gloves?” Shes like “you’re such a ****ing weirdo, stop talking” he repeats it, and the class (possibly teacher) tell her to answer it and she goes “of course I wouldn’t” and then he just deadpan goes “why the **** are you wearing a bra so”. Absolute pandemonium in the class.

He literally didn’t say boo to a ghost for 6 years, obliterated this wan with a one liner and went back to being himself for the last month or two before leaving cert.

And yet a page back, he was at a party asking a similar question about socks and feet!

Sakana

Never heard it in the wild, but I hope to one day.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VBHDVxl9r7o

The Golden Miller

A friend started going out with an English bloke. A few of us were in the house and he arrived. As he entered, the mates sister says " look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't kill 14 men in Derry". Was said as a joke but was quite heavy, he didn't really know what to say

Zak Flaps

There was a GAA match on. One of the lads who was called Smith was playing shíte.
Someone shouts from the sideline "would ya take off Smith and bring on no one. "

razorblunt

The Golden Miller wrote: »

A friend started going out with an English bloke. A few of us were in the house and he arrived. As he entered, the mates sister says " look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't kill 14 men in Derry". Was said as a joke but was quite heavy, he didn't really know what to say

I'm embarrassed for her.

Treppen

It was called a jumpoline before your girlfriend got on it.

Hector Savage

I was on the red line Luas once and some lad with a bike was blocking people exiting at jervis street - some scrote said "If he had 2 brains he'd be twice as tick"

partyguinness

The Golden Miller wrote: »

A friend started going out with an English bloke. A few of us were in the house and he arrived. As he entered, the mates sister says " look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't kill 14 men in Derry". Was said as a joke but was quite heavy, he didn't really know what to say

Yeah I think that refects very badly on her. Turn it around. If I started going out with an English girl and her buddies said:

"look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't blow up two pubs in Birmingham killing 21 people"

In fact she sounds like a right cretin.

washiskin

Not a funny one, but it's one I'll always smile at when I think of my late cousin having a row with his sister.....
"Get out of me life, get out of me hair, ya nit!"

My sister, when we were small, use to snap the nose off us with
"Shut up, ya Dunnes bag!"

Lurching

tastyt wrote: »

I also like “ she’s seen more Japs eyes than a Tokyo optician “

"She's seen more helmets than Hitler"

PokeHerKing

The Golden Miller wrote: »

A friend started going out with an English bloke. A few of us were in the house and he arrived. As he entered, the mates sister says " look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't kill 14 men in Derry". Was said as a joke but was quite heavy, he didn't really know what to say

Yeah the only reason that would fit in this thread would be if he had turned around and said " you mean London Derry"

I say that as a Republican

Esho

grayzer75 wrote: »

The tide wouldn't take you out ye ugly c**t

A sniper wouldn't take you out!

BingCrosbee

A good few years ago a Foreman was lecturing some of the lads about honesty and going home early. He was a proper flute. One of the lads piped up and said “ sure you’d know a lot about, didn’t your oul lad rob the poor box in Clonbullogue church in 1957?

smilerf

smilerf wrote: »

I use a wheelchair
Someone insulted me once with the very imaginative well you can't walk
I never realised this I'm devastated

A friend of mines brother uses a wheel chair.
One time one of the lads lads said
"are ya walking down to the pub?" and yer man looks down at his legs and said "obviously I'm not!"
Quick as you like he was asked if he was "wheeling down to the pub?"

Esho

Crocodile Booze wrote: »

She's got a fanny like a stab-wound on a gorillas back.

Punchline if a story about Twink going up a ladder without panties - " it was like someone shot Ronnie Drew in the face"!

Esho

Andrea B. wrote: »

"S**t in the bed, did we?"
As shouted at me by an owld Irish lad leanin on a shovel when I arrived on a London site far earlier than my usual tardy time.

Did you bring the Herald with you?

For arriving late on s site.

fryup

is gobsh!te a uniquely irish insult or do other nationalities use it?

if so, what are the origins of it..which county did it hail from?

important research

Surreptitious

partyguinness wrote: »

Yeah I think that refects very badly on her. Turn it around. If I started going out with an English girl and her buddies said:

"look at ye, coming in here, acting as if your mates didn't blow up two pubs in Birmingham killing 21 people"

In fact she sounds like a right cretin.

I was in the UK when I was younger in a nightclub and some guy came up to me and said 'who did you bomb recently hahaha'. I didn't answer him. What could you say to that though

lapua20grain

Surreptitious wrote: »

I was in the UK when I was younger in a nightclub and some guy came up to me and said 'who did you bomb recently hahaha'. I didn't answer him. What could you say to that though

Your ma is a good retort

partyguinness

Surreptitious wrote: »

I was in the UK when I was younger in a nightclub and some guy came up to me and said 'who did you bomb recently hahaha'. I didn't answer him. What could you say to that though

About 15 year ago I was a 6N game in Twickenham with a bunch of English lads (long story). They were grand but there was one guy I had never met before who was aliright...bit of twat. Drank too much and had a stupid St George's bowler hat on him...Had zero interest or knowledge and just tagged along. He was bascially a football supporter at a rugby game. He had spent his younger days in the Royal Navy and at one stage his work had him based on the Royal Yacht....basically the Queen's official yacht I believe.

Anyway, on the way back we stopped off ina pub for dinner. One of lads went up for more potatoes and Mr Twat cracked some quip at me about the famine. I left it slide but I took note.

Later on he was ****ting on about his time on the Royal Yacht and some story that it was once docked in Belfast. Then he bangs on about how it was very safe on the Royal Yacht in Belfast as the IRA could not touch anyone out at sea. He was awfully proud and boastful about this...seizing my chance (and with 1-2 more beers in me) I just went

"Is that what Mountbatton thought as well?

BOOM...talk about a conversation killer. I fcuking loved it....struck a blow for old Ireland. Can't recall him saying much more after that. The thing was he didnt get it for a good few minutes...the others at the table got it straight away. There was an wonderful tension for the rest of the meal. Funnily enough I have not asked back to 6N games since.

Surreptitious

lapua20grain wrote: »

Your ma is a good retort

This was a long time ago before that joke ever had meaning I think. I was about 19 and completely green and I'm female so yeah.

Surreptitious

partyguinness wrote: »

"Is that what Mountbatton thought as well?

BOOM...talk about a conversation killer. I fcuking loved it....struck a blow for old Ireland. Can't recall him saying much more after that. The thing was he didnt get it for a good few minutes...the others at the table got it straight away. There was an wonderful tension for the rest of the meal. Funnily enough I have not asked back to 6N games since.

I had to look that up. Good comeback!

Infernal Racket

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

El Gato De Negocios

I'd call you a cnut but at least a cnut is good for something.

Purple Mountain

Surreptitious wrote: »

I was in the UK when I was younger in a nightclub and some guy came up to me and said 'who did you bomb recently hahaha'. I didn't answer him. What could you say to that though

I was in a nightclub in Windsor when I was 20 with some English friends.
Ordering at the bar, a guy heard my accent, asked if I was Irish.
Thinking I was been chatted up, I said yes.
He then asked if I was Catholic or Protestant.
Being 20 and totally thrown off guard, I stammered "Catholic".
To which he replied: "Fcuk out of my face, you Irish, Catholic beatch".
He obviously wasn't chatting me up so.

Temptamperu

Me da called me sister two ends of a c**t one christmas.

Surreptitious

Purple Mountain wrote: »

I was in a nightclub in Windsor when I was 20 with some English friends.
Ordering at the bar, a guy heard my accent, asked if I was Irish.
Thinking I was been chatted up, I said yes.
He then asked if I was Catholic or Protestant.
Being 20 and totally thrown off guard, I stammered "Catholic".
To which he replied: "Fcuk out of my face, you Irish, Catholic beatch".
He obviously wasn't chatting me up so.

He could have been. Like an earlier version of today's negging. I think the guy who approached me was trying to be funny to see where he got but I was phased by it.

Zebra3

In a club in England back in the day.

What are the bombs like in Dublin some bird asked me mate.

She was actually genuine.

It was a couple of weeks after the IRA ended their ceasefire in 1996.

What are the bombs like in London my mate retorted before storming off.

Ignorance of so many Tans about Ireland is truly incredible.

Guinness and That Temple Bar is the extent of knowledge for a lot.