Have you lost friendships in the past year?

waterfordwendy

Turns out most of my friendships were circumstantial friendships; the pub. Most of my calls to these people for a chat over the past few months were ignored, even meeting on the street they didn't know what to say to me sober and without a pint in hand. Looking back I guess I never invested time into making friends outside the pub scene, a real regret at the moment. Just an eye opener and something I did not expect to discover in my late 30s.

Has anyone else lost friendships in the past year?

everlast75

waterfordwendy wrote: »

Turns out most of my friendships were circumstantial friendships; the pub. Most of my calls to these people for a chat over the past few months were ignored, even meeting on the street they didn't know what to say to me sober and without a pint in hand. Looking back I guess I never invested time into making friends outside the pub scene, a real regret at the moment. Just an eye opener and something I did not expect to discover in my late 30s.

Has anyone else lost friendships in the past year?

People have **** all to talk about. They are not going out, not visiting anyone, so that can make conversation difficult.

Plus people are on the whole feeling quit down.

Realising that there's life outside of the pub might not be a bad thing.

fergiesfolly

Friendship like any relationships require work. Turning up at the pub on Friday isn't going to cut it. Not to say that these associations couldn't develop into more meaningful friendships but you need to put the time and effort in.
What do you know about the lads down the pub, outside of their football team and favourite pint?
Showing an actual interest in their lives and opening up about yours is where lifelong bonds develop.
For what it's worth, many years ago my own group of friends let the bonds weaken. Family, work commitments just took over. It took a tragedy within the group to reconnect and now the friendship bonds are the strongest they've ever been.
It's harder at the moment obviously with opportunities to meet up restricted, but reach out to the ones you think can offer more than " what are ya drinking" and take it from there.

Edit: I think that's the least after hours post I've ever put up here.

FHFM50

Haven't talked to the lads all year, our entire relationship revolved around pints.

Church on Tuesday

waterfordwendy wrote: »

Turns out most of my friendships were circumstantial friendships; the pub. Most of my calls to these people for a chat over the past few months were ignored, even meeting on the street they didn't know what to say to me sober and without a pint in hand. Looking back I guess I never invested time into making friends outside the pub scene, a real regret at the moment. Just an eye opener and something I did not expect to discover in my late 30s.

Has anyone else lost friendships in the past year?

Welcome to Ireland.

You need far less friends than you think you do.
2 or 3 good friends is plenty, people who you can rely on, and who can rely on you.

The rest is just needless effort. You can be friendly and sociable, without investing too much energy.

SeaFields

Our lads WhatsApp group is going the whole time and we ring each other every few weeks. We might spend the whole time giving out we can't go for pints but certainly no, haven't lost friends and we have all known each other since primary school.

MikeOxsgreen

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

You need far less friends than you think you do.
2 or 3 good friends is plenty, people who you can rely on, and who can rely on you.

The rest is just needless effort. You can be friendly and sociable, without investing too much energy.

Well said.

Was about to reply with the exact same sentiments.

cena

I have only messaged the ladies from school. We keep in touch from time to time. When I see the lads I see them.

Captain Havoc

SeaFields wrote: »

Our lads WhatsApp group is going the whole time and we ring each other every few weeks. We might spend the whole time giving out we can't go for pints but certainly no, haven't lost friends and we have all known each other since primary school.

That's where I'm at also. We're a good crew and people drift in and out of the group due to babies or moving home but we still chat and ring each other now and again.

I kind of noticed most of my friendships were all one-way traffic and was being taken for a mug,a few years ago...so just stopped making the effort


It took roughly 14 months for any of em to contact me....its rough as hell....but no friends are better than crap friends OP

pauliebdub

Same here, most of mine have centred around sports and the pub. With that gone there's nothing to talk about, apart from WhatsApp texts I haven't spoken to most of my friends since march.

With work we've organised a few zoom quizzes and parties and some art classes which were a bit of fun.

shesty

I have gained 2 very good friends since April who may not have been so close without this.
My other friends are from over the years since secondary school/college.I think there is one college friend who has definitely drifted, but she was drifting before this started, contact is almost non-existent now.That being said, if we went for dinner next week, we probably would pick up where we left off.

I admit to being very choosey about my friends.It takes me a long time to be comfortable with people and even longer to feel I can move from considering things to be friends rather than just aquaintances, so that might be why.The pub is just another place I might meet my friends on occasion, not the only place I see them.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Sounds like they weren't friendships in the first place, just acquaintances.

As someone said, friendship takes more effort. Common interests outside of drinking and watching sport / soap operas. People who just gravitate towards the pub out of tradition tend to be boring because they have never made the effort to do anything more varied or interesting in their lives, and they are being shown up now.

This year I lost friends due to death. I was upset because although I got a small inheritance from him my dad did not and should have. Yes, have offered all my inheritance from him to dad. Dad was upset by being omitted damage was done.

cannotlogin

Just one really. We were friends for years. Any attempt to keep in touch, calls, phone, text etc were met with short, flat responses. After a few months I even asked if everything was ok, if get were struggling during covid...again standard everything is ok etc.

Can't think of a reason for it, no extra issues 're jobs, no kids, parents young & health. It's very random considering how much I used to see this person or weeks where we didn't we would call/text etc.

They feel like a stranger to me now so I don't bother trying anymore. Baffled by it. Doubt it will change post covid & even of they attempt to reconnect,no too sure I would be intetested.

Aongus Von Bismarck

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

People who just gravitate towards the pub out of tradition tend to be boring because they have never made the effort to do anything more varied or interesting in their lives, and they are being shown up now.

This is very true. I think a lot of male friendships in Ireland are very superficial and extend little more beyond talking absolute baloney in the pub, with maybe the odd WhatsApp group to exchange a bit of lad banter.

My brother at home in Ireland is a barfly - down in his local a few nights a week drinking cider, playing pool, and trying to get his leg over extremely overweight women he went to school with. Now he doesn’t have that outlet, and he has become extremely irritable as a result. Some of that is probably alcohol withdrawal or cravings, but most of it is probably realising that pint pals aren’t real friends.

waterfordwendy

Some very good points made here, especially being better off with no friends than ones you cannot rely upon. I like to think that when (or if) pubs and bars open up in a similar way to the way they were that I will not just turn around and start associating with people again who couldn't even bother responding to a call or text during a lonely year.

Please acknowledge a friend (or acquaintance) who messages or calls you, a quick reply even to say you do not have time. You might be busy with friends and family but it's not right to just disgard someone who might have neither.

zerosugarbuzz

Good topic OP. Certainly was a year for finding out who your real friends and close family members are. Have had a few surprises and a few disappointments but overall good lessons well learned. I would probably never have known if the lockdown didn't happen.

Hamachi

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

This is very true. I think a lot of male friendships in Ireland are very superficial and extend little more beyond talking absolute baloney in the pub, with maybe the odd WhatsApp group to exchange a bit of lad banter.

I don’t think that’s a uniquely Irish phenomenon. I’ve heard it described before that female friendships are face-to-face. Conversely, male friendships are side-by-side, usually focused on a common activity like sports, a project, or yes drinking.

Having said that, I don’t think Irish people do friendship very well. Family ties are very close here compared to other places in Northern Europe. Families tend to be larger with relatively low divorce rates. Irish people’s primary loyalty is usually to their family. Friendships are fine, but they are mostly secondary and are frequently disposable.

Personally, I’ve noticed a real divide in my friendships during the pandemic. I had 5 great friends from my university days. Three guys who I shared houses with throughout and two female friends from my course. The two girls, both of whom now live in the UK, with their own families, have remained in pretty close contact. I’m in sporadic contact with one of the guys. The other two, I haven’t heard a peep from, unless I explicitly reach out.

I’m up to my tonsils myself with my work, wife, and two very young kids. However, I’d be lying if I said that it didn’t sting a little that I’ve seemingly lost two long-term friendships of almost 20 years standing.

On the flip side, it’s made me realize that I need to carve out time to forge new connections post-Covid. I’ve also very unexpectedly become quite good friends with a Brazilian work colleague, who lives here alone, and has really appreciated that I and another colleague made the effort to hang out with him, when restrictions permit.

It’s definitely been a year for re-assessing relationships.

I lost one friend this year but it wasn't due to Covid. I often struggle with my body image. Rationally I know I am a healthy weight but sometimes it's hard to ignore the negative voice. I was chatting about this with another friend, she saw the messages and took offence because she thought I was disgusted by curvy people.
This woman who I thought was amazing and gorgeous

I still get a bit sad about losing her friendship and her thinking something so completely wrong about me.

Sandor Clegane

waterfordwendy wrote: »

Turns out most of my friendships were circumstantial friendships; the pub. Most of my calls to these people for a chat over the past few months were ignored, even meeting on the street they didn't know what to say to me sober and without a pint in hand. Looking back I guess I never invested time into making friends outside the pub scene, a real regret at the moment. Just an eye opener and something I did not expect to discover in my late 30s.

Has anyone else lost friendships in the past year?

I lost all my "friendships" when I stopped drinking, everything I did socially revolved around drinking, I never did anything else with any of my friends bar go to the pub, they were really and truly just drinking buddies.

I was quick to realize that the only reason I was ever remained in contact with them was because of alcohol, take that away and there was nothing, no desire from me what so ever to remain in contact, I could never go on a night out sober, just couldn't do it and wouldn't want to do it so I knew from the moment I quit it was all over with me and them.

But honestly it was easy for me, I never missed them to be honest, I missed the drink and the feeling of it but that quickly went away too.

All the things I genuinely enjoy are solitary in nature, Im a natural introvert and have no desire for friendships or relationships.

Yeah I’d one that lives a fair bit away and isn’t much of a texter so haven’t a peep in over 12 months.

Wanderer2010

Aongus Von Bismarck wrote: »

This is very true. I think a lot of male friendships in Ireland are very superficial and extend little more beyond talking absolute baloney in the pub, with maybe the odd WhatsApp group to exchange a bit of lad banter.

My brother at home in Ireland is a barfly - down in his local a few nights a week drinking cider, playing pool, and trying to get his leg over extremely overweight women he went to school with. Now he doesn’t have that outlet, and he has become extremely irritable as a result. Some of that is probably alcohol withdrawal or cravings, but most of it is probably realising that pint pals aren’t real friends.

Most of that sounds like his life hasnt changed a jot since school. I find it odd how so many people in their 30s can still be in touch with people they were forced to share a building with when they were children. My friends have all been made when i left school - college, workplaces and mutual hobbies is the best way to meet a variety of people.
Getting the leg over in the pub sounds tragic. This whole pandemic has made a lot of people evaluate how important the pub actually is!

Hamachi

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

I find it odd how so many people in their 30s can still be in touch with people they were forced to share a building with when they were children.

I don’t find anything remotely odd about that. Many people forge lasting connections when they’re kids in school, oftentimes sharing experiences that last a lifetime.

If anything, you’re atypical in not having friends from school.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Sounds like they weren't friendships in the first place, just acquaintances.

As someone said, friendship takes more effort. Common interests outside of drinking and watching sport / soap operas. People who just gravitate towards the pub out of tradition tend to be boring because they have never made the effort to do anything more varied or interesting in their lives, and they are being shown up now.

One persons interest may not be your idea of it, and vice versa.

Some of the people who think their minds are the most open are really the most closed. Snobbery at its worst.

ZX7R

Drinking buddies evaporate quickly as soon as you stop drinking as I found out years ago ,
I have 4 people I consider friends as well as nearly all been related to me .
My wife
My brother
A person I use to work with
And my son he is the best he is special needs and doubtful he will ever have friends, so he is my my bestie and I will be his.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

One persons interest may not be your idea of it, and vice versa.

Some of the people who think their minds are the most open are really the most closed. Snobbery at its worst.

Not really - there's a big difference between someone who's intetested in different things to me, and someone who's not intetested in anything.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

Princess Consuela Bananahammock wrote: »

Not really - there's a big difference between someone who's intetested in different things to me, and someone who's not intetested in anything.

They are interested in something though. It just happens to be something you look down your nose at.

ZX7R

ZX7R wrote: »

And my son he is the best he is special needs and doubtful he will ever have friends, so he is my my bestie and I will be his.

Thats the nicest thing, i think, i have ever read online


Even a cynical knobend like me,is moved by it

Kudos ZX7R

bertsmom

No. I'm quite self sufficient emotionally and that's just the way I am. I have two extremely close friends who live near but we can't meet for the coffee and chats or spa/days out at the moment but that's ok, we check in with each other on WhatsApp weekly and make sure each other is ok ( I'm not a phone person at all and need very little contact but I know my bestie likes a bit more contact so I make the effort)
I can't see my partner at all due to him living with his elderly very vulnerable parents but that's ok too we do chat for hours when we can and we both know we are fine and in a good place.
I'm still working full time and extra time so it's all grand, I see people I'm friendly with and enjoy their company at work but I don't really mix work with social life.
Live alone but very happy and blessed with good friendship (not lots of friends tho as I wouldn't be that social) and a close relationship with my parents too.

Your Face

Not really.
A few years ago, I did a bit of house cleaning with friends and acquaintances.
As a result I've a smaller social group but they're proper sound people.
We'd keep in touch regardless of lockdown.

Wanderer2010

Hamachi wrote: »

I don’t find anything remotely odd about that. Many people forge lasting connections when they’re kids in school, oftentimes sharing experiences that last a lifetime.

If anything, you’re atypical in not having friends from school.

There are tonnes of people who hated school for a variety of reasons, and they go on to meet people they vibe with in work, college or when you go travelling. Maybe a lot of people who stay within 5km of their home and school only have the same circle but not having friends from school is certainly not atypical.

EmmetSpiceland

Don’t think I’ve “lost” any friends in the last year but these things do happen when people simply grow apart.

As, the great, Billy Joel so eloquently put it:
‘So many faces in and out of my life,
Some will last, some will just be now and then,
Life is a series of hellos and goodbyes,
I'm afraid, it's time for goodbye again’

votecounts

ZX7R wrote: »

Drinking buddies evaporate quickly as soon as you stop drinking as I found out years ago ,
I have 4 people I consider friends as well as nearly all been related to me .
My wife
My brother
A person I use to work with
And my son he is the best he is special needs and doubtful he will ever have friends, so he is my my bestie and I will be his.

He is lucky to have such a good Dad and Buddy:)
Good post

Wholesome Banter

Wholesome Banter wrote: »

Lol what? Only weird freaks had no friends in school.

Still friends I read that as

Hamachi

ZX7R wrote: »

And my son he is the best he is special needs and doubtful he will ever have friends, so he is my my bestie and I will be his.

That’s really moving. You sound like a great Dad.

Hamachi

Wanderer2010 wrote: »

There are tonnes of people who hated school for a variety of reasons, and they go on to meet people they vibe with in work, college or when you go travelling. Maybe a lot of people who stay within 5km of their home and school only have the same circle but not having friends from school is certainly not atypical.

I’m not having a go at you; no need to be so defensive. I’m just pointing out that very many people retain school friendships and there is nothing ‘odd’ about that.

As it happens, I also do not have any school friends. Not because I hated school, but due to leaving my home town in the West at 17 to study in Dublin and then later moving abroad as soon as I graduated.

I never expected to live in Ireland again, but I met my wife who is from Waterford and here I am. Whenever we visit her family, she has an enormous group of school friends, with whom she catches up and maintains weekly contact.

Fundamentally, I feel a slight pang that she has nurtured those relationships, which is something I never prioritized. I’m happy to admit that I’m pretty atypical in not having those friendships. It seems immensely common in Ireland.

BrianD3

I've only ever had 2 or 3 friends my own age in my life, these friendships were from college. Once college finished, the drift started but I would still have regarded them as friends 10-15 years later. However now that we're in our 40s in different parts of the country and different family circumstances, contact is non existent. This happened before this year

School: Broke off all contact with everyone the day we finished. Too many assholes and bullies

Work: I'm in fairly regular contact with former work colleagues by phone and email but they are probably more good acquaintances than friends and the main thing we have in common is work

I'm probably different to most in that many of the people I knew well were of my parents generation and 40-50 years older than me. When I was a teenager I regularly played golf with retired lads and it was great craic. All dead now. Also, old neighbours - dead, including one from Covid this year

To sum up, I don't have any friends. This can becomes apparent in various situations - e.g. I have a pretty high net worth but what's the point in making a will if I can't think of anyone to leave it to. Another situation was when I bought a heavy and awkward yet fragile item from a fella, it was tough getting it into the car at his place with the two of us but when I got home I had NOBODY that I could call on to help me get it out so it was a massive struggle.

Another thing that crosses my mind is if this year will affect "funeral culture" and have a knock on effect on "friends". Lots of people only see each other at funerals that they feel obliged to attend. Will this change now that we've gotten used to the the idea of small family funerals.

cannotlogin

I think male & female friendships are very different.

Female friendship seems more about stronger bonds & being there for each other. You might not see or speak to each other for ages but reconnect instantly when it happens. Seems harder for women to make friends but it lasts longer.

Male friendship appears more situational & fickle. Drinking buddies, the guys on the football team, the golf group, work crewe etc. Conversations are more surface level, sport, cars rather than feelings.

Even now with a lot of us working from home, female colleagues seem to check in with each other with most of the men not contacting each other since March.

PsychoPete

I've talked to a handful of friends maybe two or three times in the last year. I can not talk to someone for months and it makes no difference to my friendship with them. Nothing worse than those people that need constant contact

De Bhál

Interesting thread

Hamachi

cannotlogin wrote: »

I think male & female friendships are very different.

Male friendship appears more situational & fickle. Drinking buddies, the guys on the football team, the golf group, work crewe etc. Conversations are more surface level, sport, cars rather than feelings.

Agreed. It might also explain the unfortunately higher rates of suicide amongst young and middle aged men.

lucalux

Covid made a difference in some ways to me, an acquaintance believing the Plandemic shytery and not being able to use logic or reason at all in conversation was a reason for me to distance myself, not that it was a planned thing.

Another acquaintance I haven't spoken to since March, most likely cos we're both as antisocial as each other, and know it. It's hard to stay in touch when both people find WhatsApping to be draining to some extent, plus, no services for mental health for him, and I was still in therapy, so it was annoying for him I think. He had been waiting for ages to be offered help, and then by extension, I was cautious of what I said about it, not to be making him feel more left out.

Other than that, it's been the usual.

I totally get the school friends divide here, if you had good friends in school, and managed to have your lives align, whether by geography, the timing of kids arrivals etc, it makes sense that people would stay friends.
If you had a ****ty time in school, it's sometimes preferable to start fresh, make friends on your own terms in your new adult life maybe?

I haven't spoken to anyone I went to primary school since I was maybe 16. Nobody from secondary school in maybe ten years, I had one friend i stayed in touch with, but then after her marriage, kids, and both of us moving away to different places, it showed there wasn't really much keeping us friends apart from geography at the time. Last time she texted me I replied and got no reply back, so I didn't hit the right tone maybe?!

No hard feelings in it from my side, but I think it often leaves one party feeling more aggrieved than the other, even if there was no major event to end the friendship.

Hyperbollix

I drifted away from two of what I would consider my oldest and closest friends a few years back. One was heavily tied up with work and family life and the natural drift ensued, the other, we just grew apart and began to change, the common interests we had when we were in our 20's evaporated.

We all met up due to a family bereavement and ended up spending some time together on and off that year but it wasn't long before radio silence descended again. We all found out that it wasn't 2005 anymore and we weren't really the same people. It's sad, and I'd be lying if said I didn't like the idea of rekindling those old friendships again, but when nobody's heart is in it, what's the point.

When I was younger I was always baffled by why people put such stock in their own immediate family and extended family to act as the be all and end all of their social lives. It took me to get to my late 30's to realize that, in most cases, family ARE really the only people you can count on. With many friendships, once the laughter stops, everything stops.

Cerveza

Lost one today, they wanted me to take part in a Jerusalema.

AllForIt

Not this year. I have dumped people in the past for using me. I don't go to the pub regularly anymore but when I do I go out alone which in fact I quite enjoy. Go where I want, bar hop when I want, stay out as long or as short as I want.

I had a good few friends in the UK before I moved back to Ireland. Only one of them keeps in touch and that one was the only one who wasn't a beer buddy. Curious that.

NSAman

It’s been a tough year and a bit. We have lost several family members and I have not been able to participate in funerals, nor be there for immediate family who I do care about.

I personally made a decision not to text, phone or keep in touch with anyone, who doesn’t at least make an attempt to keep in touch with me. It’s been interesting and very telling who those people are. Needless to say, being thousands of miles away from home, it’s difficult keeping friendships going. However, those that HAVE kept in touch have grown in friendship.

I have even managed to re-connect with friends from college who we all talk and shoot the **** with daily.

The rest, well it’s obvious they were only there to be seen to be there. No loss.

RobertKK

The past year didn't change much friendship wise, had one close friend who is no longer a close friend and not even sure at this stage if they are still a friend, it was stupid, the people I mention below we all play a game together and we use it for staying in touch and growing the friendships and people meet up etc (in normal times) but this person decided the game we played was more important than friendship.
That was where things broke done...


I have a few close friends and one best friend and these got stronger in the past year.
The best friend I only became friends with in the past five years but he lives abroad, sometimes we communicate everyday, sometimes it might be a week at most.
We offer each other support in life as you know who a true friend is as they are there in the bad times, and in these situations one does talk about feelings as one can't be superficial in these circumstances if they or oneself wants the support.
We enjoy the good times and have fun, and we both want the best for the other.
I was not expecting to find such a friend.

So friendship wise I would say better than expected, but it is sad to lose a friend.

Men will talk about their feelings if they have a friend they trust with their life and they know won't talk about it to others and who won't judge.
For many men, it is hard for them to find such a friend, it took me decades...never give up, it does take work to start off with an acquaintance or a friend and to turn them into a close friend or best friend, and then one has to maintain it.
Friendships are like having a houseplant, if you don't take care of them, first it will show signs of strain, maybe start withering and then eventually die or come back to life briefly like a flower in a desert after some rain, but nothing meaningful as its gone just as quick.

Church on Tuesday

Friendships, much like relationships, come and go.

If they can't be arsed, I wouldn't lose sleep over it.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

ReginaldSmythV wrote: »

They are interested in something though. It just happens to be something you look down your nose at.

Maybe - and I am open to it - but what?

Not a case of looking down my nose at, I just find it difficult to be interested in someone else when they aren't interested in themselves.