Breaking point with parenting and covid

Owlet

Deleting my post due unkind responses. Please can an admin remove the whole thread?

drunkmonkey

It's torture and your not alone, I've had enough and so have the kids. You cry I have a beer.
I spent an hour trying to calm down the just about to be 6yr old the other night, screaming and crying at the top of his lungs he wanted to die, hates life and hates his parents as they won't take him anywhere, I've never seen such rage in any of the kids.
Thankfully we've one back in Creche it was a complete nightmare with the 2yr, impossible to do any home work and we were restricted with what one of us can do with 3 of them.

I think we're nearly there, in 30 days or so I expect a lot to have changed just hang in.

feelings

I am sure your partner can take leave? Get them to take some leave to help you out. I'm sure his employer would understand.
How about every Wed for a few weeks? Your mental health is just as important, so try and etch out some extra help from your partner if you feel you need it.

From a different point of view, I know plenty of fathers who would love to see their children more... so count yourself lucky you get to see your kids as much as you can.

Keep going OP, things will get better soon!

drunkmonkey

Some people are on the edge, it's worth remembering before asking them to man up or do some hoovering.

Owlet

bfclancy wrote: »

sounds like this is a wind up, if not look after your kids and quit the whining, many of us have to work full time and mind kids, count your lucky stars

This is so unkind. Why would you say that to someone? I may not have it the worst but I hardly think you'd describe it is a walk in the park.

Owlet

Thank you. It's good to know I'm not alone.

Owlet

I do hoover and clean my house (and do all the laundry, cooking and home schooling). I'm just saying that after months and months of this never ending situation I'd give my right leg for some help me out a little right now. I didn't realise wanting a cleaner for an hour to help me out when I am so exhausted and was such a crime. I'm not saying people don't have it worse than me. It's a dangerous situation if people can't say how they are feeling without such judgement and being made to think they've no right to feel the way they do.

These are exceptional circumstances but practically there isn't much you can do.

I would expect your husband to be helping more, giving you breaks from one or both children, sharing the parenting more.

drunkmonkey

Get a cleaner ours still comes for a few hours every week. We don't force her to wear a mask or anything, our kids are in the same school.

JPup

bfclancy wrote: »

sounds like this is a wind up, if not look after your kids and quit the whining, many of us have to work full time and mind kids, count your lucky stars

Jesus that’s an awful response. Really cruel and mean spirited. Imagine a friend of yours approached you with this situation and was looking to vent, let off steam, get a bit of encouragement. Would you really lash out at them like that? Have a bit of decency. Just because you are anonymous on the internet doesn’t mean you have to act like a d*ck.

duffman13

Surprised by the lack of sympathy here! It's tough, no outlets for kids and a large build up of energy means they are wild in the house. As the weather hopefully improves, try get them out to burn off some energy.

As regards to ECCE places, these are always tough and have to be planned well in advance. Message all of them again and ask them to place you on a waiting list and ask where are you on the list. Our daughter is due to start in September and we registered with a couple, took the first one we got offered but have since been offered 3 of the 4 others we were on the waiting list for. Be proactive with it though, best way to get in somewhere

fits

It’s absolutely relentless. I’m unemployed at the moment so while before we were taking shifts with working and the kids now I have the kids all the time. My days start at 5 am usually although this morning we were up at 4:15. And it’s non stop all the way until bedtime. There’s nowhere to go to burn off steam.

One of mine is back in preschool part time 2 days a week now and that’s giving us a bit of a breather. Hang in there. It will improve greatly when things reopen again.

It is tough going though. You’re not alone.

Snotty

Yes it hard, yes no one is enjoying parenting, working, lockdown in covid, but it sounds like you have more to be thankful for that many others, stay positive it'll be over soon

biketard

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Some people are on the edge, it's worth remembering before asking them to man up or do some hoovering.

No kidding. Holy crap... some of the replies in here. Just because other people are having a hard time doesn't mean the OP isn't.

OP, please stick in there. One useful piece of advice I got was that I was not expected to excel during all of this. I've also tried to be more lenient with my kids, remembering that they're having their own hard time being locked up all the time, and that's helped me to relax just a little bit. (Not trying to take away from what you're going through.)

Your husband may not quite realise just how tough it is for you just now, and may not know how he can help either. Would it maybe be worth having a chat with him and asking if there would be any way he could take the kids completely for an hour in the evening while you go out for a walk to clear your head or similar?

Owlet

drunkmonkey wrote: »

Get a cleaner ours still comes for a few hours every week. We don't force her to wear a mask or anything, our kids are in the same school.

Thanks I didn't realise this was permitted. I'll look into it again for sure.

SusieBlue

Is OP not allowed vent and look for solutions to the issues that are causing her distress without being told to get over herself, that other people have it worse, and to be thankful for her situation?

These things are all relative. Telling someone who by all accounts seems to be struggling mentally and holding on by a thread to be thankful and positive is tone deaf and incredibly insensitive.

JPup

Owlet wrote: »

Thanks I didn't realise this was permitted. I'll look into it again for sure.

I suspect it is not really ‘allowed’ but a lot of people are doing similar. It’s all a balance between Covid risks, mental health etc. It’s especially tough if you don’t have any other family members that can help out.

It is unclear - especially given your opening sentence - if you are seeking replies or advice or conversation on the matter - or if you were just looking to vent.

Just in case it is the former not the latter - advice and suggestions are possible but I would ask a few questions. Rather than describe how awful the entire thing is - could you break down what a week day / weekend day currently looks like for you? Specifically:

1) When does it start?
2) What are the musts to get done?
3) What do the kids themselves want to get done or enjoy?
4) What do you as parents want to get done but aren't?

Questions aside I would put two things out there.

The first is - you are going to get aggressive and hateful responses to your thread. Basically because there are people who have it a lot worse than you. Some who have lost their jobs entirely while you voluntarily gave up yours for example. Some with more kids than you. And so on. And they get on with it without moaning or complaining. No one says they _have_ to do it without moaning and complaining. But they do. So when they see someone in what they feel is a relatively better off position go off moaning - it will trigger them. This is not your fault. Try to ignore it/them.

The second is - the wording you chose for your sentence "hidden away in his home office" is a possible alarm bell as it _suggests_ the seeds of resentment there. And I can understand why but you might do well to catch it before the seeds grow if they are indeed there. Because minor resentment like that can build and then derange your responses to other things in the future.

It is easy to think of someone in a home office as sitting around escaping the responsibilities you must endure and resent them for it. They are working too. They are providing for the family. This is not some kind of "man cave" he is gone into where he gets to play around and do as he likes. He has his share of the responsibilities just as you do during "working hours". Once he realizes that the responsibilities _outside_ working hours should similarly be split and shared too.

You should think of "home office" as an actual office. When someone is in "home office" think of it the same way you would if they were out in a real office on the other side of the city. They are simply absent and at work. Even if they are physically in the next room - still think of it this way conceptually and emotionally. That said though there are _some_ benefits to "home office" that you can accrue while still thinking of it in this way. Such as the partner in question can "come home for lunch" because the commute is so short. Which means cooking and eating a healthy and enjoyable lunch can be a "together" family affair. And during times of stress - meal times are often an emotional flash point so extra support for them is very useful.

All that said the "stoic" approach to life is to identify the things you can control and focus on those primarily. You have listed a lot of things that are - justifiably - emotional weights on you right now (the lock-down - lack of family - the behavior of others flouting the rules - and more). But they are out of your control at this time and will only serve to be burdens you do not need and focal points for your distress.

Instead list all the things you are bothered by at the moment. On paper if it helps. And then split that list into things you actually can control or influence - and things that are entirely out of your control. Then focus on incremental and minor improvements of the former while simply ignoring the latter as best you can for now. And each time your mind wanders to something on list B - bring it back to something on list A.

You may be amazed how a million things you can not control simply rattling around in your head can leave you unfocused - demoralised - demotivated - and distracted. And the simple practice of formally identifying them and then focusing away from the useless ones can bring up your morale and focus.

Owlet

SusieBlue wrote: »

Is OP not allowed vent and look for solutions to the issues that are causing her distress without being told to get over herself, that other people have it worse, and to be thankful for her situation?

These things are all relative. Telling someone who by all accounts seems to be struggling mentally and holding on by a thread to be thankful and positive is tone deaf and incredibly insensitive.

Thank you. This is very kind. The situation is not financially sustainable in the medium term onwards - very much a sticking plaster for this year. I also had a cancer scare and major surgery recently. I didn't think I would feel obliged to give a sob story for a modicum of empathy from others.

beauf

I think a lot of people are finding it harder as it goes on. Lots of cabin fever around. Worse with small kids.

I think setting goals to do different things makes a big difference, outside activities even if its too feed the ducks in a local park.

Neyite

Yikes, the Be Kind movement didn't last too long, did it?

Covid is tough. Each of us in different ways are struggling to some degree - even the likes of my family - on paper we are doing great!

I'm lucky that covid is for me, just bloody tedious at times. This lockdown has been the toughest yet I think. And while others are going through hell and back in hundreds of different ways, I'm still allowed to feel like this is tough on us from time to time. And, OP, so are you.

I'm sorry that you are struggling. It does sound very hard for you right now. And I hope that some of the suggestions on the thread are helpful and I hope this lockdown eases soon, for us all.

We are living through something nobody else has before. So nobody can point to [historical situation] and say, yes, this is how the end of all this will go. We've no idea and the whole world are winging it and guessing and juggling right now.

So be kind to yourself. Ignore the pigsty (I am!) Make sure you carve out even one or two hours a week where you get out of the house alone, for a walk /run because I'm guessing like any parent with small kids you probably don't get to go to the loo without a tiny audience. We all need a bit of space from time to time even from those we adore - especially from those we adore sometimes . For now, just take it day by day.

jrosen

Try get some structure into your day. Walk to the park, outside play? Youve got kids that while young are easily occupied. Lego/baking/sand pit/play doh. Make a plan and take each day at a time

hello2020

jrosen wrote: »

Try get some structure into your day. Walk to the park, outside play? Youve got kids that while young are easily occupied. Lego/baking/sand pit/play doh. Make a plan and take each day at a time

good suggestions..we have similar situation at home with 3 kids under 6 ... we utilize the lunch hour to go out for a walk n quick meal together..
kids are sleeping late at night and waking up late and we work around those hours..
after work hours, wife hand over the kids to me and watches TV /phone etc and I take care of kids till they go to bed .. this way she get at least 2-3 hours of relaxing time at night..

bee06

Snotty wrote: »

Yes it hard, yes no one is enjoying parenting, working, lockdown in covid, but it sounds like you have more to be thankful for that many others, stay positive it'll be over soon

I envy your optimism. I don’t feel like 2021 will be any better than 2020.

OP, I read your post a few hours ago but my own kids distracted me from replying. I’ve been on maternity leave for the full Covid year. Three year old and one year old. In regards to what other people are doing, I’ve definitely had times where I’ve been so cross about things that other people are doing but I can’t control what everyone else does. I just have to focus on me and my family doing the right thing and just keep going. I hate that when my three year old goes back to preschool that I have to trust that everyone he meets is doing the same but what other option do I have.

I hope the rant and the kind responses helped.

thegetawaycar

Hi OP,

Don't worry about the mean comments, look at it that you've helped others by giving them a chance to vent a little.

We have a similar issue but we try to break it up a little during the day by getting them involved in helping with some of the cooking, trying to make it fun for them, video calls with grandparents (living abroad) and walks to the playground.
The fact is some days they are just upset with the situation and it gets us all down.

The 6 year old may appreciate a few things like nature walks if you have a park close where they can try identify different things in the park, some time playing with a ball outdoors and running around blowing off steam.

It won't change everything but just keep doing what you can in the knowledge we are all struggling and trying our best in an extremely abnormal situation. Be as creative as you can, make paper cup walkie talkies, games with egg cartons etc...

bee06

I have to say as well, as great as all the ideas to entertain the kids are, I for one, am so sick of coming up with creative ideas. If I never see another egg box in my life I’ll be happy!

zerosugarbuzz

Owlet wrote: »

Deleting my post due unkind responses. Please can an admin remove the whole thread?

Shame you decided to do this. There will be plenty on here who will have 100% sympathy for your situation. Unfortunately there are also almost always a cohort of Bullies. Leaving because of them only gives them satisfaction, instead put them on ignore and keep posting.

afkasurfjunkie

bee06 wrote: »

I have to say as well, as great as all the ideas to entertain the kids are, I for one, am so sick of coming up with creative ideas. If I never see another egg box in my life I’ll be happy!

Same. Not baking here and the creative juices have stopped flowing. Working from home so if I need a few mins peace or two hours even, the 6 year old gets the PS4 controller and the 2 year old gets the iPad. You gotta do what you gotta do.

Milly33

I wish i could read your original post OP and people (even though Ill prob getting banned for saying it ) but stop being asses people. It is so important for us all to say how we are feeling at the moment, especially parents.. There should be a random "rant" thread in the forum... Things are not easy at all for anyone, but especially being at home with kids..

I know they are your kids and ye decided to have them but sometimes you need your own time..Unfortunately you cannot do that at the moment as sure we are'nt supposed but try and take a break for yourself.. Like putting a lock on the hotpress might be an idea, lock yourself in for a bit haha pretend your stuck in there while the hubbie watches the kids.. We arte at home with two kids 3 and 1 and a bit, and well one is getting very shouty (which i cannot take for too long) just finding his voice but it is like please stop screaming at me, and the other well no matter what i do im second best (which I get but sometimes its like well what did i do to you).. Can highly recommend if there is a hotel close by that is open book yourself a cheap room for the night and head over by yourself, do nothing but stay in the room but at least it is your time..

SnowyMuckish

No baking, no creative arty crafts, no instagramable walks in the local park here... working from home all day, barking at my poor innocent children to keep quiet, it’s definitely not easy, boards isn’t always a nice place either. Plenty of tone deaf keyboard warriors who don’t understand that everyone has their own unique situation......

What has worked for me is when I’m burnt out and they’re overtired, which is nearly daily.. I pile everyone in the car and go for a drive... yes there is a 5km limit but I deliberately dress in what I’m wearing pre drive... ie an old top covered in baby’s dinner, uncomb hair, pj bottoms and slippers and if I’m questioned about where I’m going, I can honestly say that I have to get the kids out for a spin to get them to nap for my mental health. Who could honestly pull me over and think any differently if they saw the state of me!

Anyways it works for me...! Find something that gets you through and take it a day at a time!

Milly33

Haha that is a great way to go for spins!! An all day PJ pass whoop.. Very truly spoken though tackle one day at a time.. we can do this!!!