Was this a joke or awfully bad and nasty form?

TheBoyConor

I am back. Well, we had a conversation about it yesterday.
I explained the situation and that while I do see the funny side, I was a bit bothered by it afterwards and was a bit annoyed that she would prank about something so serious causing me to get distressed like that.
She said that she was going to tell me about the bar but on the spur of the moment she just did it in this way as a joke and that when she saw how worried I got she regretted it and realised that it was probably not the most appropriate. She apologised for making me feel that way. I said fine, and we will just put it behind us.

I also explained that the reason I got so bad was that i appreciated the seriousness of what I thought was going to happen, and that if, hypothetically, she was telling me she was pregnant that I would probably have a day or 2 of panic, but that I would come around to the idea quick enough and do my absolute best for her and the hypothetical baby, stick with my responsibilities, and actually come to like it and look forward to being a dad. I said that i'd rather just use condom from now on regardless even though the bar is good, it is not perfect, it does fail. She agreed we don't want any surprises so that is fine. We agreed just to continue as friends and if we want to do stuff we can continue to as before, just being a bit more careful.
So bascially, it is all fine.

All that said, I have had it on my mind the last few days, and the thought of potentially being a father at some point isn't as bad as I might once have thought. It is a notion that I have kind of warmed to a bit over the days. The whole episode has kind of got me very confused now as to whether i still don't want kids at all, or whether I would be happy enough to have one and enjoy being a parent if it were to happen. I just don't know . I has triggered something and left me a bit confused. Maybe it will pass. I dunno. Time will tell.

milli milli

TheBoyConor wrote: »

potentially being a father at some point isn't as bad as I might once have thought. It is a notion that I have kind of warmed to a bit over the days. The whole episode has kind of got me very confused now as to whether i still don't want kids at all, or whether I would be happy enough to have one and enjoy being a parent if it were to happen. I just don't know .

It’s normal to feel like you don’t want kids and then to have a change of heart. And I think you know that it is a major life decision, so you don’t need to be reminded of that.

Do you have close friends or family who has kids OP? If so is it possible to spend an extended amount of time with them? At least a full day or weekend? The reason I suggest that, is to get a full picture of what having kids is like. Your eyes will be opened in more ways than one and it might help with your confusion about the situation.

laserlad2010

Hi Conor, I've been following the forum for a while and have seen you post from time to time over the years.

I notice that your initial assumption that she "tricked" you would have been consistent with your past suspicious and negative attitudes to women in general. However, I generally get the feeling from your posts in this thread that you're now much more reflective than other threads you've started/contributed to in the past.

You seem to have a more healthy attitude towards women, and a generally positive attitude to this lady in particular.

Regardless of the status (and future) of this arrangement, I just wanted to say you've reacted really maturely to this - questioning your own motives and reactions, and even considering the possibility of being a father!

Fair play to you. I'd encourage you to dig harder into that initial "tricked" reaction and see if you can break that bit down further - get to the headspace where you can be optimistic with a pinch of realism when it comes to new friends (lady or otherwise)

Don't want to come across as weird saying this, but I read your thread thinking "fair play to his thought process"

Ann84

milli milli wrote: »

Do you have close friends or family who has kids OP? If so is it possible to spend an extended amount of time with them? At least a full day or weekend? The reason I suggest that, is to get a full picture of what having kids is like. Your eyes will be opened in more ways than one and it might help with your confusion about the situation.

While I totally get why you are suggesting this, I would also stress that spending time around other people’s kids give you the operational insight of how challenging and/ or rewarding a life with kids can be... it really doesn’t give you any idea of what it’s like to have one of your own because while looking at the chaos of kids - you don’t feel what parents feel for them!
I know I really don’t like spending much time with any other kids than my own and never did before or after having my own - it’s just not the same thing at all so if you go in with that in mind it probably is a good experiment!

At OP - interesting that it’s sparked some reflection, it’s always interesting to challenge our beliefs even if in the end you decide kids are not for you, at least you’ve explored the notion in full which is never a bad thing 😊

TheBoyConor

HI again.

Laserlad, I think I may have overemphasised the "accident on purpose" thing. It wasn't a conclusion that I immediately jumped to at all, I recognised that it could have been just an unfortunate failure to, and that would probably be the most likely thing to happen. However, accidents on purpose do happen, they cannot be ruled out completely when pill contraception fails. I know one woman who confessed to conceiving this way. And I am sure there are others that I don't know about.

As for spending time with other kids to learn what it is like, well I have 2 nieces of 8 and 10 now and they mean the world to me. I am the fun uncle and we play, play football, puc around, go for walks and generally just goof around and act the eejit when I go up to visit which is usually once a week or every two weeks. Of the three of us, I am probably the biggest kid sometimes! And I have a friend who has a 6 year old nephew who I also get to play with the odd time. And that is all grand and fun and everything and i love it. BUT. That is being a fun uncle and family friend, you're there for the playing and the fun and messing and goofing around only. Cherry picked moments. You cannot compare that with being a parent where you have some of that but also have to be responsible for and deal with all sorts of chaos and mundane stuff, sleeplessness, eyewatering expenses, nappies, illnesses, tantrums etc etc and all the craziness that goes on around creches and the like. I know the stress and absolute choas that my sister has to endure with raising my nieces. I am glad and thankful I am just the fun uncle when I see the chaos and that continues after I wave goodbye on a sunday evening.

It is not reasonable to suggest that spending time with nieces and nephews and friends children is any sort of accurate reflection of what it would be like to be an actual parent. One is just a very very small portion of the other. It is a dangerous and misleading comparison to make.

That is the bit I am not so inclined towards. I have read some HSE stuff about PHN and parenting for new first time parents and I think it has snapped me out of my that transient confusion about wanting my own children.

sura28

You are both 34 not in a serious relationship and not wearing a condom? How do you know she doesn’t sleep with someone else or have an STI? You are both behaving very irresponsible. If something happens it’s both your fault and responsibility.

You are not even in a serious and committed relationship why wouldn’t both of you use protection. The joke may be a waking point for you.

Or she may be pregnant with yours or someone else’s child and that’s why she wanted to check the dates with you and see if you are up for the responsibility. That would be my best shot.

Good luck and time to mature at your age.

TheBoyConor

I accept that I made a mistake there, and it is a lesson to wake up. Agreed.

However is is definitely not pregnant. She has just had a contraceptive bar fitted a few weeks ago. A doctor is not going to insert a contraceptive bar into a woman unless they have established that she is not pregnant.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

TheBoyConor it looks like you've resolved this with the woman in question.

So it doesn't go round in circles I'll close it there. However, if you want it re-opened just let one of the Mod Team know.

Thanks everyone for offering help and advice.

HS