Long distance relationship

fran38

Hi, looking for opinions please. I've been in an LDR since the middle of January with a lady working in Dubai. I visited her three weeks ago. Everything is going great and we've become very close.
As you can expect, our communication has been through WhatsApp messaging, video chats, Facebook and Zoom Movie Nights. I've come to love my girlfriend and the sentiments are mutual on her part as well. She will message me "I miss you" every so often and I'll reply the same because I do miss her without question. But it raises feelings of frustration and helplessness when we do convey our feelings in that regard. Tonight I asked her could we kind of relax on the whole "I miss you" texts because of those aforementioned feelings. This didn't go down too well with my girlfriend and her mood through messaging became a bit frosty. I apologized when she felt hurt. My heart goes out to her because I'm not there physically to apologise in person so she has to process this hurt on her own.
Even though I apologized, what do ye think. Do I have a valid argument in not saying I miss you because of frustrated feelings? We both know that we miss each other but to lessen the reality of not being together in person do we mention this or not?

YellowLead

Has your relationship been long distance from the get go? And you have only met on one trip?

Think about what your desire to cool off on the ‘I miss you’ text means. Are you questioning the whole thing in your gut???

At the end of the day where do you see this going? Is one of you going to move to the other’s country so you can see how things are in person?

LDR’s are tough - but they usually occur because two people who have been together in reality have to live apart for work or education or family reasons. Relationships built online - it’s not so simple to tell whether or not they could work in reality.

In my opinion you are in very dicey territory and possibly setting yourself up for potential heartache.
Is it this January or last January? If this January then sorry but you can’t be serious with the love stuff after a few weeks. If it’s last January then I think one of you need to relocate and give things a real shot so the limbo doesn’t continue.

ulster

fran38 wrote: »

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Maybe you should discuss her moving here. I don't think it can carry on with distance. It's too hard.

fran38

YellowLead wrote: »

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I'll answer your questions in the morning. Thanks for your input.

Airyfairy12

Speaking from experience long distance relationships dont give you the whole picture of the person youre dating or how the relationship will work out in the long run. Having so much time to miss each other and not seeing each other often, it can be hard to know how you really feel about a person. Each time you meet up its like a mini break away from daily life & youre both on best behavior.
With that said, youre getting to see how she reacts when you express a feeling or want from the relationship. Going 'frosty' because you want to stop sending 'I miss you' Texts is telling imo. Your reasons for not wanting to continue to sending the same messages seems reasonable to me, youre both adults, you know you miss each other and want to see each other, is it really necessary to have to keep confirming that over text? Especially when its making you feel a bit low.
Communication is one of the most important things in a relationship, you expressed your feelings, she didnt agree and instead of talking to you about it she's gone cold.

Also, youre only dating since January, a relationship thats not long distance takes allot more time than a few weeks to become serious, it can take months or more to really get to know someone in usual circumstances.

My suggestion to you would be to get to know someone before investing all your feelings in them and take things slow otherwise youre setting yourself up for heartache.

Porklife

I completely agree with AiryFairy. Speaking from experience, long distance can work albeit with alot of unforeseen challenges, if the relationship is already established with a solid foundation.
A new relationship requires actual physical time spent together in my opinion. You need to experience things together to properly share them. You don't truly get go know someone until you've faced obstacles together, built up trust, developed real feelings etc.

I foolishly moved country a few years ago to be with a guy id been dating long distance. It was one of the worst decisions ive ever made. I knew within hours of landing I'd made a mistake. The guy turned out to be a monster but that's a different story.

Her reaction is ridiculous and would be enough of a red flag at this early stage to forget about her imo.

You sound overly invested too if im honest and she may sense this and be turned off hence the frostiness.

LegacyUser

Porklife wrote: »

Her reaction is ridiculous and would be enough of a red flag at this early stage to forget about her imo.

.

How is it ridiculous??
He said this to her last night and then she was a bit frosty in the messages. That's it! It doesn't sound like it's OTT in any way.

If anything being asked not to say "I miss you" comes across as far more ridiculous.

Sometimes when couples are apart those messages and the feelings they inspire in a person are all they have and are what make them feel loved! Kind of bittersweet and painful but they might mean a lot to her.
She could also think that there is a hidden meaning in his request and that perhaps he is trying to cool things.

Getting a bit frosty after being asked not to speak about her natural emotions isn't a ridiculous response at all!

Porklife

image verification wrote: »

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I think it's ridiculous as they barely know each other, its been 3 months long distance dating. She has said i miss you a few times and the Op has simply said I know but let's not reiterate as it makes it harder. I find her frostiness to such a reasonable request ridiculous.
Im entitled to my opinion as you are yours.

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded it is unnecessary to quote entire posts. Especially lengthy ones, and especially the opening post and the post immediately before your own.

Please clear the text before starting your reply. If you want to highlight a particular point, please only quote that line/paragraph.

Tork

OP, can I gently suggest that maybe you're looking for love in the wrong places?

LegacyUser

@Porklike, it sounds like the OP is as much if not more intense about the relationship despite it being "3 month long distance dating" so in that case you should find the OP and his reaction to be 'ridiculous' too?
After all he said he misses her just as much, he just wants to stop mentioning it as it makes him feel frustrated and helpless!!

His request could have came across in lots of different ways to her and he is essentially asking her to keep her feelings or emotions on the matter bottled up instead of telling him, that's not really healthy or fair! and his request for her to do that seems to have been what caused the frostiness.

It doesn't sound like the OP is equipped to handle a long distance thing if he can't cope with messages like "I miss you" which would generally go along with long distance things.

YellowLead

OP you said middle of January - so that’s only 2 months right?

I don’t mean to go off topic to your question....but you flew to the other side of the world to go on a date with somebody in the middle of a pandemic (so presumably there was either a fine or a little white lie involved) at considerable expense (those flights aren’t cheap). I’m sorry but it just sounds like you are both so desperate for a relationship you jumped in waaay to fast.

LDRs are extremely tough on both parties, they take a really strong foundation to survive and thrive - and I’m not sure jumping into one after a few weeks without having known the person face to face is being realistic.

Tork

It's not that long since you posted about your last breakup with a foreign lady who was using you to get a visa. You haven't said anything about this new lady but I wonder is there a pattern emerging here?

fran38

Tork wrote: »

It's not that long since you posted about your last breakup with a foreign lady who was using you to get a visa. You haven't said anything about this new lady but I wonder is there a pattern emerging here?

Hi, OP here. You are right in saying I was, or I thought I was in a sound relationship with a Brazilian lady who wanted a visa. I suppose, in trying to get over that heartbreak I seeked out another relationship. The way I see it, I'm 52 years of age with my chances of settling down with someone dwindling by the year.

So, i met a lady online in another country. i went over there two weeks ago (thats a whole other story on how I evaded the gardai at the airport lol) and spent some time with her. We got on great and it seems as if she's in it for the long haul.

She was hurt when I suggested that we cool down on the emotive messages as its frustrating to be so far apart. I understand that hurt and I apologised because I believe I was in the wrong to try to quell her emotions.

Anyway, to answer some posters comments on LDR's not working because of the distance. I plan on relocating for a month where she is and do my best to look for a job there. I have two contacts in situ that will help me. I agree for a LDR to work, we need to put in some concrete time together to see if we are compatible or not. This move will happen in August/September this year.

Jequ0n

OP, if you really want to part with your money and be made miserable I can help you there. You can even skip all of the relationship pretence and you can send it right over.

On a serious note though: you are missing each other when you only met once? You don’t even know each other yet. This “relationship” is as much make belief as the last one you were struggling to part with even though it was apparent that the object of your desire wanted nothing but a visa.

This might sound unfair but: if you think that you are in love do you even know what this feels like? This is not a trick question as I don’t think I do and I base my decisions on other “things”. Maybe this applies to you too, not sure.

Everything you are displaying so far is desire and delusion that this is going to work out. Maybe speak to friends about your plans and see what they say because this will end badly for you if you are fixed on believing this narrative you have created again.

And you know why? Because there are people like me out here who will take advantage if they come across someone who is literally asking to be taken advantage of.

YellowLead

How can anybody know they are in it for the long haul after two months of knowing each other????
Regardless of the fact that most of that was long distance.

You are going to relocate your whole life for this??? I’m not sure what to say because it would seem you are determined to press on with this tomfoolery, yet again, and therefore clearly enjoy chaos and unhappy endings.

Why the rush????? You are not a woman with dwindling fertility. Why does it matter if you settle at 54 rather than 52 etc. Just put in the work to find a real relationship - it might take years but it will be worth it. But look, if you are determined to just buy a wife who will probably leave you then off you go, you can’t ACTUALLY believe this whole thing is rational - maybe it’s a bit of craic for you.

Big Bag of Chips

What's the point in moving for a month? Who's going to give you a job if they know you will be leaving after a few weeks. You wouldn't even have time to be trained. By hanging on to this pseudo relationship you are making absolutely certain that you will not find anyone to settle down with closer to home.

I assume you have stopped looking in Ireland and have deliberately chose to look for someone in a far away exotic location. Maybe there's some fear of commitment/rejection at play here. You are avoiding any chance of meeting someone who lives, works and is settled locally. Why? Because if/when these fanciful "relationships" end with these women who aren't actually really available then you can blame circumstances, or distance, or culture differences or any other reason other than it just didn't work out. And maybe avoid that feeling of rejection?

Lots of relationships don't work out for lots of reasons. But if you actively avoid them then they'll never work out.

Maybe you need to think about why you are actively avoiding possible relationships and wasting time seeking out long distance relationships that mean you are simply penpals?

You are a grown man, OP, and will live your life by your own choices. I just think the choices you continue to make are more likely to leave you lonely than if you tried dating people closer to home, even if a few of those relationships don't last the distance.

zoobizoo

What nationality is your new friend?

What had lead you to searching for a partner so far away?

Would it not be easier and would you not have more successful relationships if you found someone closer to home?

LegacyUser

Hi OP, Long distance relationships can be extremely tough, I’ve done two of them in my lifetime and it was tough going despite seeing each other regularly (both ended). You’re two months into a relationship and you have only met this person once. So far you have been presented with the absolute best and ideal view of the person (both online and in person). There is absolutely no way you really know them. Unfortunately this is the first hiccup you’ve encountered. I understand where you are coming from but her going frosty after asking her to tone down the messages is a bit of a knee-jerk response to me. Why couldn’t she have a conversation and talk it out? Are you having any other issues with communication, ie. is it excessive? She might be expecting communication constantly which is natural when embarking on a new relationship but that can get really tiring giving the distance and time difference. Might be time to try and set some ground rules and boundaries in the relationship? Also I hate to ask but is there an age gap?

As a word of caution, this is a very new relationship and you have only seen each other once, you don't have a real sense of the other person. Make sure you keep your head screwed on and let the relationship develop over time without moving or changing your life. If more hiccups happen, pay attention…. if it was me, I’d be erring on the side of caution. In my experience a solid basis is needed at the start for a LDR to ultimately work. Two months in and there is frostiness over a conversation?

Tork

OP, without being cruel, you sound like the sort of person who's ripe for the picking. Somebody who's single, in his 50s, carries a limp and seems to have self-esteem issues. You've obviously given up on meeting an Irish woman and instead, have turned to (younger?) foreign women whose life would benefit from marrying a westerner. I'm not going to rake over old ground about what you wrote about your ex but are you sure you're not going down the very same route again? This time with somebody who isn't as much of a head melt as the Brazilian but who has the same end goal in sight?

Zebrag

Hi OP

Usually I read threads like these and I try to be as positive and as helpful as I can be because I know life isn't meant to be easy at the best of times!

What is striking me and I'm finding it hard to bypass is the fact that you traveled for a non-essential reason and also quoted that bargining with the Guards to get through the airport was an event of its own (and LOL'd about it)......

How important was this 2-3 months relationship to you to travel in a pandemic knowing that we are not only on our 3rd lockdown and still no definite words to what else is ongoing? (I don't want to have a debate on mental health, economy, virus but this was my take on this post)

In the relationship sense, the only comment I can say is that this isn't a relationship and I know you said you're in your 50s and would desperately love to settle down and enjoy a personal and physical relationship but does finding love on the other side of the world knowing you can't really give the person what they want and need, and what you want and need, is idealistic? You also stated that you were in a previous relationship with someone trying to get a visa. Do you like forming the same sense of patterns for leaving yourself vulnerable?

There's plenty of people on this island online, local, couple of hours drive (isn't possible now but probably easier than arguing with Guards at the airport) even a safe train ride (which I'm assuming is possible, don't quote me on that) and you feel the need to risk yourself and others for someone you don't know a wet day. I think the comment you made to her in terms of laying off the "I miss you" messages was you telling her in nicer way, what else are you supposed to say to that when it's said all day, everyday.

OP I think you need to think long and hard what it is you're looking for in a relationship because I can see this going badly for you. It will end in tears and you'll be online again trying to find someone else who's just the same as the patterns that keep on following.

Everyone deserves a shot of love at any age but we all have a right to dignity and to feel comfortable and compatible with someone else. I think you're looking in the wrong directions (no pun!) and you're allowing yourself to be in positions you know isn't possible for you. Whether this excites you or not, I don't know but I think your post is a clear indication, and previous post, that you're not as serious looking for that special someone and you're hoping to find excitment instead.

I'm sorry if my post was blunt and unnecessary but I couldn't seem to find a valid reason or advice to give you in terms of settling this girl down from her supposed dramatics