The Talk

Hector Savage

So, my son is 9 and wondering how the best way to sit him down and tell him about sex.
I am dreading it to be honest, I can't even remember what age I was, I do remember my parents telling me about it, they were quite open about it, but the thoughts are mortifying to me , cos I know he's gonna just be thinking about his us his parents at it ....

Jaysus, any advice appreciated ...

shesty

Get an age-appropriate book to help you out.:)There are loads out there.
It will be mortifying to both of you but definitely better to get it done.

catrionanic

Check out Sarah Sproule! She is an expert on talking talking kids of any age about puberty, bodies and sex, and offers online courses for parents who feel they need some help. She specialises in making it a more relaxed and comfortable experience, aiming to avoid having that awkward "talk" that we all remember from childhood.

lazygal

Why dread it? No need to make it into a huge deal with a Big Talk.

Hector Savage

But in seriousness thanks for the suggestion, I know you meant well, but I don't want to confuse my son by telling him that he can menstruate and have babies if he wants to, and that gender is a social construct ...

Legit_ie

I've a 12, going on 13 year old and we've a very open style of communication but we have never had "the talk" as such . Any time he asks me "what is ..", I just tell him. There is nothing weird or awkward and I always remind him never to be afraid to ask me anything .

We were watching an episode of The Grand Tour a good while back and they were talking about condoms and he had many questions so I paused the show, told him all about them and if he ever needed them to let me know which led into a conversation about consent and statutory rape. Using opportunities that occur naturally is a good way to approach things.

One thing I did do last week was talk to him about Sarah Everard and we sat and watched the Jackson Katz "Violence against women - it's a men's issue" and I was really open with him how I personally failed growing up and allowed awful talk about women to go unchecked, among other things.

I never had any such conversations with my dad growing up. Times have changed so much and, sadly I think , they get exposed to too much at a young age , and all you can do as a parent is make sure they know you've got their back and can talk about sex without shame or embarrassment.

spakman

Legit_ie wrote: »

I've a 12, going on 13 year old and we've a very open style of communication but we have never had "the talk" as such . Any time he asks me "what is ..", I just tell him. There is nothing weird or awkward and I always remind him never to be afraid to ask me anything .

We were watching an episode of The Grand Tour a good while back and they were talking about condoms and he had many questions so I paused the show, told him all about them and if he ever needed them to let me know which led into a conversation about consent and statutory rape. Using opportunities that occur naturally is a good way to approach things.

One thing I did do last week was talk to him about Sarah Everard and we sat and watched the Jackson Katz "Violence against women - it's a men's issue" and I was really open with him how I personally failed growing up and allowed awful talk about women to go unchecked, among other things.

I never had any such conversations with my dad growing up. Times have changed so much and, sadly I think , they get exposed to too much at a young age , and all you can do as a parent is make sure they know you've got their back and can talk about sex without shame or embarrassment.

Do you not think you jumped in a bit deep there?
The poor lad asked what a condom is and you end up discussing rape and murder.

Legit_ie

spakman wrote: »

Do you not think you jumped in a bit deep there?
The poor lad asked what a condom is and you end up discussing rape and murder.

Nope , the episode of grand tour was possibly last year some time.

Having said that, I'm offering my experience in hopes someone may find it useful and I realise that what may be right for me and my child , isn't the same for others. I think it's entirely appropriate for an almost 13 year old to know what's going on in the world.

bee06

spakman wrote: »

Do you not think you jumped in a bit deep there?
The poor lad asked what a condom is and you end up discussing rape and murder.

It sounds to me like the conversation evolved into this by the questions his son asked.

My oldest is only three but this is the approach I would like to have. No one had “the talk” with me, I was given a book to read and that was it. I don’t want my kids to feel as awkward as I do about talking about things like sex, periods etc.

Hector Savage

Legit_ie wrote: »

I've a 12, going on 13 year old and we've a very open style of communication but we have never had "the talk" as such . Any time he asks me "what is ..", I just tell him. There is nothing weird or awkward and I always remind him never to be afraid to ask me anything .

We were watching an episode of The Grand Tour a good while back and they were talking about condoms and he had many questions so I paused the show, told him all about them and if he ever needed them to let me know which led into a conversation about consent and statutory rape. Using opportunities that occur naturally is a good way to approach things.

One thing I did do last week was talk to him about Sarah Everard and we sat and watched the Jackson Katz "Violence against women - it's a men's issue" and I was really open with him how I personally failed growing up and allowed awful talk about women to go unchecked, among other things.

I never had any such conversations with my dad growing up. Times have changed so much and, sadly I think , they get exposed to too much at a young age , and all you can do as a parent is make sure they know you've got their back and can talk about sex without shame or embarrassment.

hmm you think it's a good idea to make him feel guilt over that ? as the whole "it's a mens issue" thing just blames all men.


Going off topic here, but wow ....

jesus ....

shesty

Just to clarify - I don't mean give him a book to read and walk off and never speak of it again.
I mean get a book, discuss it with him, be embarassed, but tell him look, throw your questions at me and I will do my best to answer them.
He might slink out of the room with the book and a red face, but keep the lines open at least.


And can I just say - do actually tell him about women and menstruation and how pregnancy happens for the love of god, would you?? I mean in a bit of detail.Bring biological diagrams if you think it helps! I can't tell you how many men I came across over the years who were beyond clueless on any topic to do with women's bodies, yet they had "the talk" alright - I often wondered what on earth they actually talked about, especially since plenty of women know how men's bodies operate. Men have just as much responsibility to know how the female half work too in that arena.


I just found a lot of lads were non-stop about sex and sexual innuendo, but if they actually had to think about how a woman might get pregnant, they really had not got the faintest idea. (I am in a very male-orientated career, so I expect I had over-exposure to male conversations :rolleyes:)

Legit_ie

Hector Savage wrote: »

hmm you think it's a good idea to make him feel guilt over that ? as the whole "it's a mens issue" thing just blames all men.


Going off topic here, but wow ....

jesus ....

That's a pretty judgemental.and needlessly rude response.

My son is highly intelligent and has won essay competition and several awards in the area of deep and critical thinking,. Do you honestly think I would make him feel guilty about something like that ?
We had a meaningful conversation about a news story he had heard about. The not all men line is,.frankly, BS. These conversations have to start early with our sons.

Have a look at the Ted talk I mention btw.

catrionanic

Hector Savage wrote: »

hmm you think it's a good idea to make him feel guilt over that ? as the whole "it's a mens issue" thing just blames all men.


Going off topic here, but wow ....

jesus ....

This attitude right here is a big part of the problem. I suggest you do a little reading around the issue.

Hector Savage

catrionanic wrote: »

This attitude right here is a big part of the problem. I suggest you do a little reading around the issue.

Educate myself right ?

shesty

Mod Note:

Let's keep it on topic folks.

tickingclock

My kids are too young for the talk. I'm a child of the 80s and was brought up my my folks. Both my brother and I got a blue book and that was the talk. I think it may have been produced by the Catholic Church. Not once did we talk about anything. Even as a young adult in college living with my boyfriend basics like contraception were never once mentioned.

Now children do programmes in school like stay safe and learn words like vagina and penis in senior infants. I think as a previous poster mentioned if something comes up in conversation and there's questions asked that it's only natural to answer them. It's an idea I'll be using.

lazygal

What do you mean by 'too young'?
I can't remember not using the terms like penis, vulva etc with my kids. Talking about consent, they don't have to kiss granny if they don't want to.
Discussing things like menstruation and showing them my menstrual cup, talking about body hair and so on.
When I was pregnant talking about how the zygote, embryo and then foetus was growing-I had a complicated pregnancy with amniocentesis required so that was another discussion.
They've been on prochoice marches since they were six months old so conversations about choices and options for people who don't want to stay pregnant.
All in an age appropriate way. I don't understand why all of this and more would be dealt with in one Big Talk and why it would have to be a huge deal?

Yeah I would also never go in for the idea of "The" talk. I got some book off my mum called "Boys Talk". And that was it for me really.

With my own kids I always aimed to never have a single talk but - starting from the age they themselves were meaningfully talking - to have an ongoing iterative conversation on the subject of sex and sexuality.

So they had the correct words from things almost since they were using words. They had some vague idea that these things were involved in reproduction a couple of years after this. And a pretty comprehensive general idea of how reproduction functions a couple of years after that. And a lot of the associated information where required related to things like consent and desires and respect and so forth. And of course diseases and other possible issues of that nature .

So my 10 year old daughter has most of the topics and knowledge at this stage that she requires. My 6 year old son is not massively far behind her. And my youngest toddler son will be learning the correct words for most things and bypassing "baby speak" words that we as parents sometimes feel the need to give them.

spakman

lazygal wrote: »

What do you mean by 'too young'?
I can't remember not using the terms like penis, vulva etc with my kids. Talking about consent, they don't have to kiss granny if they don't want to.
Discussing things like menstruation and showing them my menstrual cup, talking about body hair and so on.
When I was pregnant talking about how the zygote, embryo and then foetus was growing-I had a complicated pregnancy with amniocentesis required so that was another discussion.
They've been on prochoice marches since they were six months old so conversations about choices and options for people who don't want to stay pregnant.
All in an age appropriate way. I don't understand why all of this and more would be dealt with in one Big Talk and why it would have to be a huge deal?

God above - did Granny get consent to kiss their grandchild!?
Showing them your menstrual cup... why?

Loveinapril

spakman wrote: »

God above - did Granny get consent to kiss their grandchild!?
Showing them your menstrual cup... why?

I imagine Lazygal means that her kids don't have to do things with their bodies they don't want to, like hug and kiss people. It is such good practice to get kids to understand the concept of consent. I teach it to my two, my 3 year old is starting to understand that if his younger sister makes a certain a sound or says no, she doesn't like what he is doing so he should stop. And on the moon cup thing, why not?! A woman needs to use something to manage her menstrual cycle for about 5 days every month from the age of 10- 55 or so. Why keep this secret from children who will most likely be affected by this, either directly or with a partner who menstruates?!

spakman

spakman wrote: »

God above - did Granny get consent to kiss their grandchild!?

I can certainly remember the intense discomfort as a very small child when I was told who I "had to" give a kiss or a hug to. So for that reason I do not repeat it on my own children. I tell my kids "It's time to say good bye to X" and it is entirely under their control if they run up for a hug or a kiss - if they wave - or if they just say their good byes in words.

So yes I think the concept of consent is one you can instill in children quite young - from the perspective of their own autonomy. By teaching them the control they have over their own bodies and physical space - and that generally with few exceptions no one should be acting like breaching it is somehow mandatory.

spakman wrote: »

Showing them your menstrual cup... why?

For the same reason that we as men would show our razors to a child if discussing shaving - it is generally easier to get the idea across better when talking about something - if you have an example of that something to hand is it not?

So I suppose the question could be reversed back at you as a simple "Why not?"

lazygal

spakman wrote: »

God above - did Granny get consent to kiss their grandchild!?
Showing them your menstrual cup... why?

Why not?
I don't want to be forced to kiss someone.
And I use a menstrual cup because I menstruate.

mfceiling

Some great replies.

As a middle aged father of 3 girls ( 15, 13 and 11) it's vitally important to talk to them and have no hang ups about anything.
My wife is absolutely brilliant at this (me not so) and they can ask us anything or tell us anything.

Unless you are interested in becoming a grandparent earlier than you wanted/expected then keep those lines of communication wide open.

JackTC

I wish my parents had the 'Talk' with me. I grew up thinking the whole subject was taboo and it honestly did affect me in ways.

Have the talk with him now before the internet teaches him.

lazygal

We got this series of books to complement what we discussed with the kids. They'll take them down for a read when they feel like it, and then might ask more questions or decide they've enough info for now.
https://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-perfectly


I find the car a great place for bringing things up/answering questions on a journey.

Hector Savage

lazygal wrote: »

We got this series of books to complement what we discussed with the kids. They'll take them down for a read when they feel like it, and then might ask more questions or decide they've enough info for now.
https://www.amightygirl.com/it-s-perfectly


I find the car a great place for bringing things up/answering questions on a journey.

Thanks!
I remeber I had that book when I was a kid, very good book , I'll get it ...

fits

My boys are four. I use correct terms with them and talk about things as they come up. I talk a bit about consent as well as in nobody has to do kisses or hugs if they don’t want to. I actually think this knowledge is important to protect them. I think things would probably be very uncomfortable if left to a big talk at an awkward age.

Antares35

spakman wrote: »

God above - did Granny get consent to kiss their grandchild!?

It's actually a really important concept that focuses on children being aware of their own bodily autonomy. As a survivor of childhood abuse myself, I am acutely aware of the need for my own daughters to grow up with the confidence to assert physical boundaries over their bodies where they are not comfortable and to know that saying no to physical interaction where they are not comfortable will not result in them being admonished, guilt tripped or given out to.

It isn't a granny bash. It's giving them the confidence to say yes or no to people who want to be physical with them. And how can you force them to kiss or hug someone but also expect them to know that if someone else wants to do it, that might not be ok. It's inconsistent.