Dealing with "You'll change your mind"

Eric Cartman

bunny_mac wrote: »

BRB, I'm off to the parenting forum to tell all the parents they're going to regret having children.

Hah.

Although on that topic, it absolutely needs to be normalised for parents to admit the regretted having children. Its one of those things we all know is real but many dare not say it out loud for fear of having everyone look at you like a monster.

The closest we have is mothers who have kids young get to ‘i wish I had my kid later , but i dont regret having them’ ... a half truth a lot of the time

R.D. aka MR.D

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Hah.

Although on that topic, it absolutely needs to be normalised for parents to admit the regretted having children. Its one of those things we all know is real but many dare not say it out loud for fear of having everyone look at you like a monster.

The closest we have is mothers who have kids young get to ‘i wish I had my kid later , but i dont regret having them’ ... a half truth a lot of the time

From a lot of my friends that are mothers, there is increasingly this social pressure on them to be perfect and happy. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be struggling, dealing with the taboo and this new 'be perfect' pressure.

If there was more honesty, at least people might reach out.

But don't get me started on 'wine o'clock' or celebrating when they go back to school. Those are such ugly trends.

Eric Cartman

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

From a lot of my friends that are mothers, there is increasingly this social pressure on them to be perfect and happy. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be struggling, dealing with the taboo and this new 'be perfect' pressure.

If there was more honesty, at least people might reach out.

But don't get me started on 'wine o'clock' or celebrating when they go back to school. Those are such ugly trends.

Yes, the “hilarious” trope of becoming a self confessed binge drinker / alcoholic to deal with your own kids is really sad

bunny_mac

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

From a lot of my friends that are mothers, there is increasingly this social pressure on them to be perfect and happy. I can't imagine how hard it must be to be struggling, dealing with the taboo and this new 'be perfect' pressure.

Ugh, I honestly don't know how women do it. There's the pressure to have a natural birth (you're not doing it *right* if you have drugs or, god forbid, a section), the pressure to breastfeed, the pressure to immediately lose all the baby weight and be posing in your bikini on Instagram before the baby is sitting up, the pressure to (and expense) throw ridiculous ****ing birthday parties that the child will never remember, not to mention the pressure (and expense) of attending all their 'friends' parties (can one-year-olds have friends?), you're judged if you go back to work, you're judged if you don't go back to work, you can't let the child out of your sight for five minutes or you're neglecting them, you constantly have to entertain them or you're neglecting them... It's utterly relentless. Certainly not what it was in my mum's day.

km991148

bunny_mac wrote: »

Ugh, I honestly don't know how women do it. There's the pressure to have a natural birth (you're not doing it *right* if you have drugs or, god forbid, a section), the pressure to breastfeed, the pressure to immediately lose all the baby weight and be posing in your bikini on Instagram before the baby is sitting up, the pressure to (and expense) throw ridiculous ****ing birthday parties that the child will never remember, not to mention the pressure (and expense) of attending all their 'friends' parties (can one-year-olds have friends?), you're judged if you go back to work, you're judged if you don't go back to work, you can't let the child out of your sight for five minutes or you're neglecting them, you constantly have to entertain them or you're neglecting them... It's utterly relentless. Certainly not what it was in my mum's day.

I know what you mean here, but I think it's also a general point in modern day Ireland. It's already a very 'must keep up with the Joneses' sort of society.

shesty

As a mother....you can chose not to buy into it.As with anything in life, the main pressure comes from yourself.You can switch Instagram off.

Also, more than one kid, and you stop caring pretty f*&king quick what other people think.It's quute liberating.

Sunny Disposition

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Hah.

Although on that topic, it absolutely needs to be normalised for parents to admit the regretted having children. Its one of those things we all know is real but many dare not say it out loud for fear of having everyone look at you like a monster.

The closest we have is mothers who have kids young get to ‘i wish I had my kid later , but i dont regret having them’ ... a half truth a lot of the time[

Almost no one regrets having a kid, maybe they’d regret it if they committed a mass murder or something, but v unlikely otherwise. Parental love is real and very strong believe it or not.
Saying people really regret the decision to have children even though they say otherwise, is as condescending as parents telling child free people they’ll change their mind.

bunny_mac

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

Almost no one regrets having a kid, maybe they’d regret it if they committed a mass murder or something, but v unlikely otherwise. Parental love is real and very strong believe it or not.

Really? You know that for a fact, do you? Or, as I suspect is the case, *you* don't regret having children and therefore because *you* feel that way you think everyone does.

Take it from a child of parents who definitely regretted having children – those people exist. Trust me. I live with the consequences every day of my life.

Also, this: https://www.facebook.com/IRegretHavingChildren/

And go on to Reddit and search for 'I regret having children'.

Nobody is suggesting that everyone regrets having children, or even that the majority of people do. But to say that 'almost no one' does is just not true.

Sunny Disposition

I don’t think anonymous Internet forums are evidence of regret really. If people do really feel regret they could give the kids up for adoption, that to me would be strong evidence of course. Inevitably there are some people who regret nothing remaining childfree, I presume there must be, but they marek to be scarce going by the amount of parents who say they love their kids.
This has nothin to do with being child free by choice of course, wouldn’t for a second be arrogant enough to suggest people who are child free have regrets either. Know loads of people who don’t have kids by choice.

partyguinness

Sunny Disposition wrote: »

I don’t think anonymous Internet forums are evidence of regret really. .

Says the lad on..wait for it....an anonymous internet forum..:D

Sunny Disposition

partyguinness wrote: »

Says the lad on..wait for it....an anonymous internet forum..:D

Fair point:)

Lemonee_

Had an appointment with my gynacologist recently for PCOS. Was repeatedly told if you change your mind about kids etc. Very frustrating as I have told them multiple times that my partner and I made the decision to not have kids.

o1s1n

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Hah.

Although on that topic, it absolutely needs to be normalised for parents to admit the regretted having children. Its one of those things we all know is real but many dare not say it out loud for fear of having everyone look at you like a monster.

The closest we have is mothers who have kids young get to ‘i wish I had my kid later , but i dont regret having them’ ... a half truth a lot of the time

I think it's always going to be taboo to talk about to be honest.

A massive factor in it not being normalised is down to the children themselves finding out their parents regretted having them. It would be an incredibly devastating thing to hear, at any stage in your life really.

Once you have them, there's not really a lot you can do to turn back the clock, so I suppose there's not a lot to gain from such an admission, but a lot to lose and potential hurt caused.

nibtrix

R.D. aka MR.D wrote: »

One way I respond to personal questions that may or may not be to do with reproductive issues is to ask 'oh why do you want to know?' I'm not aggressive, i just say it inquisitively. Usually shuts people up.

I always found that showing confusion at why they were asking was the way to go. Especially "what do you mean?" as a response to the hints/innuendo or pause for a few seconds and say "oh, that's kind of a personal question to ask someone, don't you think?".

Mind you, once I got past my mid-30s the questions died away mostly. I think (as a few other posters have said) that people assume fertility issues at this point. Although I did recently have a new co-worker ask if I had kids, and when I said no they bluntly asked "Why?". Had to pick my jaw up off the floor before I could respond "for personal reasons" and change the subject.

RacoonQueen

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Hah.

Although on that topic, it absolutely needs to be normalised for parents to admit the regretted having children. Its one of those things we all know is real but many dare not say it out loud for fear of having everyone look at you like a monster.

A lot of people have borderline told me this (male friends) because I've always openly discussed my desire to stay childfree. They feel like they can tell me they regret it because I'm a female who doesn't.

My sister told me today 'sure you're still young you can still have kids'. I wanted to throw her through the window. :mad:

bunny_mac

RacoonQueen wrote: »

My sister told me today 'sure you're still young you can still have kids'. I wanted to throw her through the window. :mad:

That's one great thing about being 40+, that ****e tends to stop!

secondrowgal

I must be one of the lucky ones. I've never really come up against the "you'll change your mind" comments.

One of my go to responses when someone ask if I have any kids is "none that I know of" (I'm female!) and that usually shuts them up.

Aisling(",)

Myself and my boyfriend are buying our first house.
Everyone in our lives knows we have chosen not to have kids (both 29)
My friends and family have been great my siblings have made jokes about how they'll mind our pets/plants when we're away etc.
We were showing his family the photos on zoom and didn't one aunt blurt out when we showed the spare bedroom "Oh that'll be perfect for the baby"...dead silence.
I hope the house doesn't come with one of those included:pac:

He gets the comments more than I do thankfully.I just try to brush it off noncommittally. Some people seem to take it as a challenge when I say solidly no.I do expect the question to come up a bit more once we move in and get married but we're happy in our decision.

notsoyoungwan

When I used get the “oh you’ll change your mind” comment, usually accompanied by a head tilt and a knowing smile, I started replying “why? Did you change your mind after you had kids?” and it was usually met with either spluttering indignation or a penny dropping somewhere.

It’s such an incredibly arrogant thing to say to someone, and also quite ignorant. But it seems some people can’t comprehend that others have made different choices to them and have different wants/desires. They just think their path is the one correct path, and they cannot grasp that for others the path less travelled is the correct path. I feel sorry for people who are that small-minded.

Aleece2020

HBC08 wrote: »

Many of the people in this thread will have kids in the future but i might be going off topic a bit there.

Tell us more about the future, wizard!