Am I being overly sensitive?

Soulseeker333

Looking for unbiased outside perspective on something that's been troubling me.

Just for background. When I married I moved to my husbands county which is an hour and a half from my family's County.

Throughout lockdown my family has been very vigilant and has stuck to the rules completely as have I. Lockdown one I had my first baby. Then we had some in-between time last summer and autumn. I travelled numerous times with a small baby, loading up my car and family. They've been to see me twice in the 10months of my sons life.

I've been fine with all of this up until recently. I had to travel up to my family's home county for an appointment a couple of weeks ago so I was happy I would get to see them. Myself, husband and baby have had no outside contact at all nor have my parents. My brother has children in school and his wife is working on site throughout the pandemic.

When I was there they wanted to see my baby and asked that I bring him to a car park. It was a cold day, I had him wrapped up but still it was very cold. They held him which I was OK with since we were no risk to them having been just us 3 at home since the January lockdown. It felt a bit strange they made me go to a cold carpark with my baby and yet they held him.

Fastforward 3 weeks and my parents are in and out of my brother's house on a daily basis. No one has been vaccinated in either household so nothing has changed risk wise. They talk openly with me about their interactions. Am I wrong to feel so hurt by this?? Its a pandemic so who am I to tell others how they should behave but I'm absolutely heartbroken my poor baby had to sit in the cold in order for them to meet him after 4 months of no contact and now all of sudden they've no fear about being around my brother and his family in the comfort of their homes.

I don't want to start any arguments but feel like I can't see past their behaviour at the minute. I'm so upset by how my baby was treated compared to my brother's children. I dont know am I being selfish just thinking of myself as I know my brother needs help working from home with 2 small children. But I'm starting to get anxious about lockdown lifting and their expectations for me to load up my family and get up to them when we're allowed again. I feel completely pushed aside by them. I do feel guilty I made the decision to move away but felt an hour and a half wasn't too demanding on anyone.

Sorry for the long post, im so conflicted. I adore my family but feel so upset by their actions.

Smee_Again

Meeting in the car park instead of their home was probably to make you feel better.

I think you’re overthinking it.

Soulseeker333

Smee_Again wrote: »

Meeting in the car park instead of their home was probably to make you feel better.

I think you’re overthinking it.

Thanks for your reply!
I asked to go to their house and they said no so it wasn't for my sake!!

YellowLead

Putting aside what’s right and what’s wrong - could it be that your parent’s know you are sticking to the rules and while they take risks between them and your brother, they didn’t want to involve you as you clearly don’t want to take risks? Could it be they met you outdoors because he felt it was safer and therefore you’d be more comfortable?

Edit I see your response. Have you asked them about it? Could it be that your brother lives closer and that they feel they are support bubbling (albeit that’s only meant to be of alone) with his family and that you are an additional risk - they’ve chosen him because he is closer and can see them regularly?

Soulseeker333

YellowLead wrote: »

Putting aside what’s right and what’s wrong - could it be that your parent’s and know you are sticking to the rules and while they take risks between then didn’t want to involve you as you clearly don’t want to take risks? Could it be your brother met you outdoors because he felt it was safer and therefore you’d be more comfortable?

I'm sorry I should've said no it was them who requested the carpark meeting. I didn't want my son in the cold but they weren't comfortable with us calling to their house.

YellowLead

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

I'm sorry I should've said no it was them who requested the carpark meeting. I didn't want my son in the cold but they weren't comfortable with us calling to their house.

Maybe they were worried they would infect the baby, despite you saying it was okay?

Soulseeker333

YellowLead wrote: »

Maybe they were worried they would infect the baby, despite you saying it was okay?

They held the baby for the entire time so it couldn't have been that!!! I can assure you it was not from my end that we didn't meet indoors. They had been so overly cautious of the situation up until this week.

Pringles123

I personally would take the high road with it, pick and choose your battles and ask yourself is this one. All the same I would be interested to see if they visit you next after restrictions are lifted since it is their turn.

YellowLead

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

They held the baby for the entire time so it couldn't have been that!!! I can assure you it was not from my end that we didn't meet indoors. They had been so overly cautious of the situation up until this week.

True, but if they had washed their hands they might have felt okay. Sitting indoors in people’s houses is considered very high risk - there’s no airflow.

Is there a reason they might have felt you were being risky then - you said you had an appointment maybe it was because you had just come from a hospital that they didn’t want you in their house?

Not justifying any of this by the way just trying to get to the bottom of it.

I mean are you close with them in general or could it be that this has nothing to do with the virus?

Big Bag of Chips

Soulseeker333 wrote: »

They had been so overly cautious of the situation up until this week.

When you were in the area a couple of weeks ago they were still being overly cautious. Now they have relaxed a little, maybe with the new announcements etc.

I know when I had my children very few family members came to visit me. I visited a lot more than they did me. I suppose we have to realise that your baby is a huge deal to you. It impacts your daily life massively. For others it doesn't have the same impact. Their daily life continues on with their daily routine.

We live about an hour and a half from my in laws. We've lived here 15 years and I'd say, in total they've visited about 5-6 times. We (pre covid) would visit them at least every 3 months or so.

My own parents live 20 minutes away and never visit unless they're dropping something off etc. I visit them in their house regularly though.

I think they thought they were doing right. Thought by being in the open air it was less risky. Your baby was well wrapped up. He wouldn't have been uncomfortable at all.
I think, yes, you are being overly sensitive. But it is a strange time and people really are just muddling through.

Hopefully things will get easier over the next few months. But you might still find that you do the majority of the travelling to visit.

Jequ0n

So what are you actually so upset about?
Your parents know that you are very cautious and accommodated this. Recently, and that is weeks after your meet up, they decided to relax the rules and see family more frequently. If your brothers children are in school everyone in your immediate family is likely to gee r infected, and maybe they just want to ensure that a small baby is not at risk?

Also: Your baby might be the most important thing in your life, but it is not the same to others. A lot of parent seem to forget that

Hannibal_Smith

I don't know how parents of newborns are managing during all of this. It's a tricky enough time at the best of times!

Obviously just going off what you're posting, I can't imagine your parents are favouring one family over the other. I would say they are only dying to have you and your baby in their house so you can all meet properly and its just logistics of trying to keep as close to the rules as possible that's throwing a spanner in the works.

I get that its all very confusing, but the way I'm reading it, they were so anxious to see your son, they offered a compromise of meeting in a carpark. They probably thought holding him was of little threat, given it was outdoors but were willing to run the risk just to hold him. Maybe they were afraid of a garden visit, given they're not advised at the moment, in case the neighbours would talk?

I imagine the past year has been trying enough, don't let this make it any trickier for yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Jequ0n wrote: »

Also: Your baby might be the most important thing in your life, but it is not the same to others. A lot of parent seem to forget that

You can be sure they're pretty high in priority in a lot of grandparents' lives too.

Jequ0n

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

You can be sure they're pretty high in priority in a lot of grandparents' lives too.

Probably, but they have several grandchildren which ideally hold the same value, whereas the OPs baby has “special status” to them. I might have phrased it a bit clumsily

tscul32

Had they been in and out of your brother's house before you visited or has it only started in the past couple of weeks? Maybe meeting you made them realise they were miserable without seeing their grandkids so they decided they were being too cautious and would relax their rules. The test would be if you were to visit again now would you be welcomed into the house? And has your brother been to their house, maybe they're just not letting anyone into their house? I think you're over thinking it.

Sonic the Shaghog

Maybe they got the ****s of the lockdowns since the car park meeting

Big Bag of Chips

Sonic the Shaghog, infracted for below standard posting.

Soulseeker333

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I don't know how parents of newborns are managing during all of this. It's a tricky enough time at the best of times!

Obviously just going off what you're posting, I can't imagine your parents are favouring one family over the other. I would say they are only dying to have you and your baby in their house so you can all meet properly and its just logistics of trying to keep as close to the rules as possible that's throwing a spanner in the works.

I get that its all very confusing, but the way I'm reading it, they were so anxious to see your son, they offered a compromise of meeting in a carpark. They probably thought holding him was of little threat, given it was outdoors but were willing to run the risk just to hold him. Maybe they were afraid of a garden visit, given they're not advised at the moment, in case the neighbours would talk?

I imagine the past year has been trying enough, don't let this make it any trickier for yourself.

Thank you, your advice really resonated with me. 'Don't make it any trickier for yourself.' And you're right I know theyd love to be involved. Weve all really stuck to the rules for my dad's sake so I suppose just hurt a little but like you say no intention there.

I'll sleep so much better tonight because of your message thank you!!

Soulseeker333

Thanks so much to everyone who took the time to reply to my post. I'm so glad I sounded it out here rather than bring it up with my family. Lockdown take 3 away from my family must be just taking a toll on me at this stage. I'm ready to let it go🙌

Soulseeker333

Jequ0n wrote: »

So what are you actually so upset about?
Your parents know that you are very cautious and accommodated this. Recently, and that is weeks after your meet up, they decided to relax the rules and see family more frequently. If your brothers children are in school everyone in your immediate family is likely to gee r infected, and maybe they just want to ensure that a small baby is not at risk?

Also: Your baby might be the most important thing in your life, but it is not the same to others. A lot of parent seem to forget that

The caution was always for my dad who has an underlying health issue and why we've all stuck to the rules so much in order to see him in between strict lockdowns. And there's a younger baby in my brother's house!

Ps. My baby is very gorgeous and important, much like every other baby I know!!!!😉

Soulseeker333

tscul32 wrote: »

Had they been in and out of your brother's house before you visited or has it only started in the past couple of weeks? Maybe meeting you made them realise they were miserable without seeing their grandkids so they decided they were being too cautious and would relax their rules. The test would be if you were to visit again now would you be welcomed into the house? And has your brother been to their house, maybe they're just not letting anyone into their house? I think you're over thinking it.

I have offered to come up if we have somewhere to stay and have been told no!! I understand them not wanting people staying over in their house and how it might look. Youre probably right about relaxing the rules between new announcements.

GingerLily

It sounds like they wanted to stick to the rules but caved when the moment arrived, I've done similar myself where I had intentions to 100% stick to guidelines but plans kind of went astray.

I also wouldn't rule out that your parents were worried about neighbours judging them, maybe they've realised since that's this is less important to them.

In future I think it's important to speak up, if its too cold for your baby to meet outdoors then you can say that, no shame in protecting your child.

Flippyfloppy

tscul32 wrote: »

Maybe meeting you made them realise they were miserable without seeing their grandkids so they decided they were being too cautious and would relax their rules.

That was my first thoughts too when I read your post OP.

Rubberchikken

I think a lot of people are relaxing a bit due to announcements on news plus the good weather plus Easter.

They were probably dying to meet and hold a new grandchild and trying to stick to the rules at the time too.

leggo

Yeah like I don’t necessarily agree with it but people are growing quite lax about observing lockdown now, making allowances where they wouldn’t have dreamt of a year ago when the virus was unknown and terrifying, whereas now it’s just a part of life. I don’t think it’s rational or something people are putting much deliberate thought into, more just a sign of poor leadership in that people are now believing in ‘the cause’ less.

I wouldn’t jump to any grand conclusions from this tbh. It’s probably a combination of tiny reasons like they know you’re sensitive to it (you argue that it was your parents idea to meet in a car park in one post then say the virus has taken its toll in another), you’re further removed from them physically so it’s more of an unknown ‘risk’ and they don’t have a clear and sensible plan in place and are just kinda winging it and hoping for the best like many others. I’d let this go for now and keep your eye on the day (hopefully soon) we don’t need to worry about any of this stuff anymore.

LegacyUser

My baby was born two weeks before lockdown. My husband and I were so strict with all guidelines, we didn't see anyone and no-one held our baby even when we were allowed to see people. This upset and angered people a lot but we figured that anyone who wanted to hold her when she was so young in a pandemic was selfish..it was for their benefit and not that of our baby...it was a pandemic and we were doing what we were told and thought was right for our baby. I had to go to hospital when my baby was seven months old... my husband's parents were the only people who could mind the baby as it was a matter of life or death for me. After that, it calmed us both... we realised..hey we won't all die if someone holds our baby. Im just trying to say, maybe meeting up with you and your baby was a moment of realisation that the world won't end when you see your family. Best wishes, it can be tough.

Zebrag

Hi OP

I echo a previous post by saying, pick your battles on this one.

You can air your grievience on this with your parents and it could turn into an argument
Or
You can swollow it and just accept the fact that no one here had the right or wrong answer in what to do in this situation

You could most likely be right and your parents have favourited your brother or you could be wrong and your parents knew you were being protective and didn't know what to do so thought rather than going back and forth with answers, just to meet in the park. Granted it was freezing and common sense would have said, meet in their home but when it comes to the pandemic and lockdown, common sense has long gone from people and you'll be lucky to know your arse from your elbow. No one knows what to be doing.

I believe you've been doing things the right way, while others might say feck it. The rules and guidelines are there but again, people like to pick their own rules and guidelines when they see fit.

OP I woildnt let this be the thing that irks you. Believe me I'm having the same issues with my grandparents. They barely let me into their own garden but let the other grandkids (ranging between 5 - 25) swan in and out as they please and 2 have been tested positive in the past. I could ring them and tell them I'm not happy with that but I've just accepted that's there's absolutely no point at all to start an argument for it to go around in circles and most likely drag other family members into it.

You have your little family, your own little bubble and enjoy the time you can spend with them. When restrictions are lifted and visiting people doesn't require permission then make all the arragements and your son will know his grandparents quick enough and all will be forgotten. It's not worth getting yourself worked up over and when this is all over, the last thing you want is for this argument to continue when we can actually go and scratch our arses where we please!

Soulseeker333

Zebrag wrote: »

Hi OP

I echo a previous post by saying, pick your battles on this one.

You can air your grievience on this with your parents and it could turn into an argument
Or
You can swollow it and just accept the fact that no one here had the right or wrong answer in what to do in this situation

You could most likely be right and your parents have favourited your brother or you could be wrong and your parents knew you were being protective and didn't know what to do so thought rather than going back and forth with answers, just to meet in the park. Granted it was freezing and common sense would have said, meet in their home but when it comes to the pandemic and lockdown, common sense has long gone from people and you'll be lucky to know your arse from your elbow. No one knows what to be doing.

I believe you've been doing things the right way, while others might say feck it. The rules and guidelines are there but again, people like to pick their own rules and guidelines when they see fit.

OP I woildnt let this be the thing that irks you. Believe me I'm having the same issues with my grandparents. They barely let me into their own garden but let the other grandkids (ranging between 5 - 25) swan in and out as they please and 2 have been tested positive in the past. I could ring them and tell them I'm not happy with that but I've just accepted that's there's absolutely no point at all to start an argument for it to go around in circles and most likely drag other family members into it.

You have your little family, your own little bubble and enjoy the time you can spend with them. When restrictions are lifted and visiting people doesn't require permission then make all the arragements and your son will know his grandparents quick enough and all will be forgotten. It's not worth getting yourself worked up over and when this is all over, the last thing you want is for this argument to continue when we can actually go and scratch our arses where we please!

Thank you for sharing your experience and how you've handled it. I've really taken the advice here onboard and just swallowed it even when they rang to tell me about the other grandchildren having a sleepover during the week!! I'm powerless, its a pandemic and i cant be commenting on how people behave during a time like this. I'm really holding onto the idea that they're not doing this intentionally.

Soulseeker333

Best wishes wrote: »

My baby was born two weeks before lockdown. My husband and I were so strict with all guidelines, we didn't see anyone and no-one held our baby even when we were allowed to see people. This upset and angered people a lot but we figured that anyone who wanted to hold her when she was so young in a pandemic was selfish..it was for their benefit and not that of our baby...it was a pandemic and we were doing what we were told and thought was right for our baby. I had to go to hospital when my baby was seven months old... my husband's parents were the only people who could mind the baby as it was a matter of life or death for me. After that, it calmed us both... we realised..hey we won't all die if someone holds our baby. Im just trying to say, maybe meeting up with you and your baby was a moment of realisation that the world won't end when you see your family. Best wishes, it can be tough.

Thank you for your response. It really can be very isolating at times. I hope you're doing well now and still enjoying some help from your husbands parents.

YellowLead

Also I think people are far more fearful of giving something to a newborn or very young baby, whereas they feel older grandkids your brother might have are more resilient? At Christmas my brother and sister in law wanted to visit but I was frightened of going near their baby, despite the fact it was okay with them. However I didn’t mind my sister older kids running around the table - because kids in general are thought to not suffer much from covid if they don’t have conditions. But newborns...so tiny and maybe don’t have much immunity. I’d be freaked out to go near one.

Also my mother has chosen to support bubble with my brother but neither me or my sister got miffed - she had to pick one.

ILoveYourVibes

I don't think you are being over sensitive OP. I can imagine your upset.

However I think really during this time we all have to let a lot of things go just to keep the peace right now and for our own peace of mind during this time.

ElizaBennett

I do think people are extra sensitive at the moment and things are odd and difficult - but I'm surprised that on other poster has wondered or asked why you'd find it so hard to just ask your parents what their thinking is. In your situation, when the carp park idea was mooted and I was unhappy about it, I'd have just simply asked 'why?' 'Why can't i come to the house? Do you thik that's a bad idea?' Then you'd have been given an answer. Assuming you love your family and get on well then why the lack of any communication on this? You're having to speculate to yourself the whole time about what their thinking is and their reasoning - instead of just asking. It doesn't have to be an argument. It's just a simple wish to understand where they're coming from. Why not just say 'but X is visiting you all the time? Why can't I?' This doesn't have to be antagonistic. I just don't understand why you wouldn't want to just call and have a conversation about it so you'd know where they were coming from.