Dating someone who has kid/s.

Lesalare

I'm interested to find out how people on here who are childless by choice or circumstance, have fared with dating people who have kids?

Do you think it's inherently very difficult to date someone who has kids or did you take to it ok?

Should singles with kids stick to same and such.

Interested to hear peoples experiences.

When I met my current wife she had 2 kids from a previous marriage. Both were over 18 when we met and have their own lives, jobs, partners etc

In that sense it wasn't really an issue and anytime either of them needs support I offer it gladly and take a keen interest in their lives.

However, at the end of the day, they are not my children and they never look at me as a father figure. I'm married to their mother and it doesn't really go beyond that in terms of a relationship.

If they had been younger when we got together it might have been different

Atlantic Dawn

I think the biggest difficulty would be dealing with the other parent of the kids, it would be a complete lifetime of the kids event, could be fine, could be a complete and utter car crash. If there wasn't a good relationship with the mother/father I would say it would be hell and best avoided.

Lesalare

Atlantic Dawn wrote: »

I think the biggest difficulty would be dealing with the other parent of the kids, it would be a complete lifetime of the kids event, could be fine, could be a complete and utter car crash. If there wasn't a good relationship with the mother/father I would say it would be hell and best avoided.

So you are saying that if the father/Mother relationship of said partners child is tumultuous... It's sort of a recipe for disaster?

Sunny Disposition

At a time when I was childless I dated a single mother for three years. It is much more difficult than being with someone who is child free, no doubt about it. Small kids need constant attention, everything is about their needs. If anyone child free is going into a relationship with a single parent of small children just know that it will not be easy.

It's very difficult to find child free people in their 40s.
My ex had a daughter and she was extremely difficult, she made life very hard for him/us, but she is a child so it's not her fault. I found the situation very hard to deal with, because I wanted to get on with her & I felt sorry for her, but it wasn't easy.
It was a big reason for us breaking up.
But, I wouldn't rule it out in future, most people my age have kids who are a bit older so that could make things easier.

bunny_mac

I know someone who got together with a guy with two teenage sons, it was totally cool. Another who got together with a guy with two teenage daughters – absolute nightmare. What both did say was that having the ex in the picture all the time (as is bound to happen with kids involved) was a total pain.

waxmelts2000

My ex had a 9 year old little girl who I met after 8 months together. She was a great little girl and I grew extremely fond of her and her of me. However we broke up and I have not seen them since (2 years) , I was heartbroken...

I have not dated since , mixture of sadness and lockdown but dating someone with young kids in the future would be a no from me , as I honestly could not go through that again. Someone with Older kids living their own lives would not be an issue ( I hope !!)

Curvy Vixen

I'm childless by choice and met a man with 3 children - 8, 12 and 14 at the time.

I love him to death and went on to marry him, we have been together for 8 years.

But I can't lie, given my time again, I would NEVER date a man with children by choice - it's reminded me about every single reason as to why I am childless.

Lesalare

Curvy Vixen wrote: »

I'm childless by choice and met a man with 3 children - 8, 12 and 14 at the time.

I love him to death and went on to marry him, we have been together for 8 years.

But I can't lie, given my time again, I would NEVER date a man with children by choice - it's reminded me about every single reason as to why I am childless.

Why? I'd love to know. Sorry to hear you feel that way

Thelonious Monk

I wouldn't go out with someone with a child, it's a dealbreaker for me. It may be something I consider when I'm older and the kids are grown up but I just don't know why anyone would want to get involved with someone who has someone else's children, especially if you don't want children yourself!

Lesalare

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I wouldn't go out with someone with a child, it's a dealbreaker for me. It may be something I consider when I'm older and the kids are grown up but I just don't know why anyone would want to get involved with someone who has someone else's children, especially if you don't want children yourself!

You don't get much of a choice in the matter if you are over 40 in Ireland. Everyone has kids. Near impossible to meet someone who is single without them.

GarIT

Lesalare wrote: »

You don't get much of a choice in the matter if you are over 40 in Ireland. Everyone has kids. Near impossible to meet someone who is single without them.

You absolutely have two choices even if that's the case. You can not date people with children and have significantly more difficulty dating, maybe end up staying single or you can date younger people without kids.

Lesalare

GarIT wrote: »

You absolutely have two choices even if that's the case. You can not date people with children and have significantly more difficulty dating, maybe end up staying single or you can date younger people without kids.

The only bit of positivity there is in the latter suggestion. You probably are not aware there aren't a lot of childless younger men who want to date women in their 40's either. Anyway, that aside, I wouldn't date a man much younger than me so a redundant suggestion (for me anyway).

bunny_mac

Lesalare wrote: »

You don't get much of a choice in the matter if you are over 40 in Ireland. Everyone has kids. Near impossible to meet someone who is single without them.

I'm screwed so. I'd rather stay single than date someone with kids though.

I don't date women with kids, as a rule.

PS: I'm 40 and I meet loads of single ladies without kids. Never mind that nonsense above.

Thelonious Monk

Yes I'm 40 and there are loads of women in and around my age with no kids. Id much rather remain single than have to deal with kids.

Lesalare

Deleted User wrote: »

I don't date women with kids, as a rule.

PS: I'm 40 and I meet loads of single ladies without kids. Never mind that nonsense above.

You are probably meeting women younger than you in their late 20's/early 30s etc.

It's not nonsense. I'm 45 and every man I have matched with and got on with via the likes of Tinder etc., all end up having kids. I'd say 90% of them. Crazy thing too is they are in the age bracket of 45-53 and they mainly have 2-3 kids aged from around 3 to 12. Rarer even so to meet someone who has grown up kids.

A lot of them don't mention it at all in their profiles and then once you ask them the say 'Yeah I have two boys, 5 and 8' etc. A lot of them won't say anything for a considerable amount of time, unless asked.

The last guy I dated was for 1.5 years and he had a 10 year old. I liked the kid and got on well with him but it was hard.

Lesalare

Lesalare wrote: »

You are probably meeting women younger than you in their late 20's/early 30s etc.

It's not nonsense. I'm 45 and every man I have matched with and got on with via the likes of Tinder etc., all end up having kids. I'd say 90% of them. Crazy thing too is they are in the age bracket of 45-53 and they mainly have 2-3 kids aged from around 3 to 12. Rarer even so to meet someone who has grown up kids.

A lot of them don't mention it at all in their profiles and then once you ask them the say 'Yeah I have two boys, 5 and 8' etc. A lot of them won't say anything for a considerable amount of time, unless asked.

Ah, maybe it's a male/female difference.

Thelonious Monk

Statistically there are more childless men than women so its actually easier for women to meet dudes with no kids

Lesalare

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Statistically there are more childless men than women so its actually easier for women to meet dudes with no kids

Send them my way will you?

Thelonious Monk

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

Statistically there are more childless men than women so its actually easier for women to meet dudes with no kids

Is this true?
Are they all childless old bachelors living in the arsehole of nowhere........

Thelonious Monk

bubblypop wrote: »

Is this true?
Are they all childless old bachelors living in the arsehole of nowhere........

Ahem I live in Dublin

Tpcl20

Watch now and everybody on this thread ends up hooking up with all the other happily childless 40 year olds on it.

Tpcl20

Tpcl20 wrote: »

Watch now and everybody on this thread ends up hooking up with all the other happily childless 40 year olds on it.

Thelonious Monk

In the UK anyway it's 20% for women and 25% for men, childlessness that is. Not much of a difference really.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/23525293_Postponement_and_childlessness_Evidence_from_two_British_Cohorts

GarIT

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

In the UK anyway it's 20% for women and 25% for men, childlessness that is. Not much of a difference really.

https://www.researchgate.net/publication/23525293_Postponement_and_childlessness_Evidence_from_two_British_Cohorts

It's actually a 25% difference so could be noticable. Especially if you factor in the people with kids are more likely to be in relationships so wouldn't be dating.

GarIT

To actually answer the question it depends on what you mean by dating. To many younger people dating now means regularly having sex. To others it could mean almost or actually living together.


I would go on a date with a single mother, I'd invite a single mother back to mine. But I wouldn't live with a woman with children. I would make that clear from the start.

Thelonious Monk

It makes sense because any woman can have a kid if they really want as long as they've no biological issues whereas lots of men probably live their lives with zero chance of girlfriends or sex.

Lesalare

GarIT wrote: »

I would go on a date with a single mother, I'd invite a single mother back to mine. But I wouldn't live with a woman with children. I would make that clear from the start.

Is this because you don't want kids of you own at all or that you don't want to be in a relationship with a child fathered by someone else?

GarIT

Lesalare wrote: »

Is this because you don't want kids of you own at all or that you don't want to be in a relationship with a child fathered by someone else?

I don't fully know if I want kids, it's somewhat financially dependant or more of a later life thing.


The main reason is my own parents were divorced, I've been through both of them dating and living with an authority struggle. I don't think it's right that someone should have any authority over someone else's child, but I don't want to live with children I don't have authority over. I don't want someone in my house that I'm paying for telling me something like "you're not my real dad you can't tell me what to do".


At the moment while I'm childfree for the foreseeable future I like not having responsibilities beyond myself, so I don't want to take any on.

Thelonious Monk

For me relationships are hard enough as is without adding someone else's kid to the mix. I've never been around kids in my life so maybe its different for people who are used to them.

Lesalare

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

For me relationships are hard enough as is without adding someone else's kid to the mix. I've never been around kids in my life so maybe its different for people who are used to them.

This is a good point. I have had very little exposure to kids all my life. I know I am good with kids (my mates have told me my entire life and most kids I have been around have taken to me very quickly and seem to dote over me oddly enough) but I never wanted my own. My experience with dating a man (I have found) with a kid is they expect you to be this automatic 'natural' mother and that you will negate all you own needs and wants due to the fact they have a kid and you have chosen to date them.

The kid always comes first of course, but I don't care what anybody says, that's not easy, especially if you really like the person. It's not normal to have to 'share' that person with another human being if they are not your own kid. I think so many parents lose track of their brain and completely forget what it was like to date pre-kids. Who in essence wants to fall in love with someone knowing from the outset there will be so many boundaries and issues to accept re. a little person who has nothing to do with you.

You are also damned if you do and damned if you don't as you are expected to treat their kid a certain way and be patient and do X, Y and Z but yet you really have no say in regards to the kid's upbringing or your views on what you think is right or wrong on a daily basis.

In reality too you are going into a relationship with at least 3 people. Not just 1. I feel for people who take on a child with a partner and they end up not liking the kid/s.

Thelonious Monk

I've always been pretty much allergic to kids and dont know what to do when they're around but my brother has an almost 2 year old son now who I've yet to meet, but he's the only kid I've looked at in photos and thought how cute he is and I actually really care about him even though I've yet to meet him. It just seems to come natural because I'm related and I can't wait to meet him.

Padre_Pio

Lesalare wrote: »

So you are saying that if the father/Mother relationship of said partners child is tumultuous... It's sort of a recipe for disaster?

I had the chance maybe of dating a girl who had a child.

I don't know what's worse; that they have a tumultuous relationship with the father, or they have a really good relationship with the father.

If the former, then you're stuck in the middle of a Jeremy Kyle episode.
If the latter, then there's always the fear they might make up and you're dropped.

Better the father is out of the picture completely.

Lesalare

Thelonious Monk wrote: »

I've always been pretty much allergic to kids and dont know what to do when they're around but my brother has an almost 2 year old son now who I've yet to meet, but he's the only kid I've looked at in photos and thought how cute he is and I actually really care about him even though I've yet to meet him. It just seems to come natural because I'm related and I can't wait to meet him.

That's normal. Even parents will say 'I can't stand other people's kids'. I would look at female colleagues in work years ago and some girl on maternity leave would bring in her baby, they'd all be fawning over the child and oohing and aahing in an almost manic manner. I would find myself thinking 'Ugh, no thanks'. I had zero interest. Same in a supermarket at a till and a kid would be looking at me in the trolley. I'd smile and interact a tad with the kid but in my head I was thinking 'No interest'.

I'm not bad with kids. I just talk to them like they aren't some stupid 'thing'. I chat away and almost speak to them like I would an adult (within reason obvs!). Oddly it's worked to my favour and mates have told me it's why their kids like me and feel easy around me.

It's normal to be more drawn towards your siblings kids and your close mates kids. But other people's/strangers kids literally do nothing for me.

Galwayguy35

Did twice when I was in my 30s, in both cases it didn't work out because there was no time for us to do normal things like a night out without major planning.

And they didn't seem to like a new guy dating mammy either so wasn't worth the hassle having to deal with moody teenagers.

CakeLife

I am married to a man with a 13 year old daughter, we've been together since she was a few months old.
She's a lovely, good kid, but as someone who's just not interested in spending time with kids, much less being a parent, it is absolutely the biggest challenge / threat to my relationship with my husband. By that, I mean that I support everything that needs to be done for my step-daughter's wellbeing and I support them having a great relationship, but when there are problems (of which there have been plenty), it is very very hard to remember why my energy, time and finances are being dragged into this situation.

And I kinda want to point out that like loads of other posters here, I never wanted to meet someone with a child, and I'd always say "no way!" If asked would I have a relationship with someone with a child, but I fell in love and wanted to be with this man, it wasn't a rational and logical thing, it was emotional.

notsoyoungwan

There is no way I’d date someone with young kids. No matter who it was. That may make me seem hard-hearted or cold, but nonetheless it’s a deal breaker for me.

I’m a bit of an outlier in that not only do I not want children, neither do I want a traditional committed relationship either. I date purely for fun with no expectation of commitment or exclusivity. I have a few lovers (or gentleman callers as I prefer to call them) and one of them has a daughter, but she’s 18 and in college so does not really restrict his free time at all.