When are you finished having kids?

How have you known that you were finished having kids? Or if you're still not finished - how do you know?

I have 4. There's a big gap between the third and fourth. I'm wondering if we should go for a fifth so the little one has a playmate and isn't too spoiled. In the past we always decided based on whether we felt we wanted another but now I just can't decide. Some days I do, some days I don't. I certainly don't have baby fever the way I have other times but I wonder if it's just because I'm burnt out after the last year? Or maybe 4 is just enough?

We're young enough that we have a few years left (late 30s). We've had no trouble getting pregnant in the past. Finances aren't a worry. Not that we're rolling in it but we're frugal and comfortable ticking along the way we are. Running out of space is definitely a problem whether we have another or not.

bee06

I’m so done and I knew I was through my last pregnancy. We have two, a 3 year old and a 1 year old and I’m 39. I’m tired. I don’t have the energy to grow another baby, feed another baby, the sleepless nights with three. I want my body back!

jrosen

Im done and for me I simply have nothing left to give, im all parented out. I found parenthood a walk in the park when they were smaller but I find parenting older kids/teens incredibly difficult and once that became clear it was obvious we were done. My husband was out after our last child regardless.

lazygal

We had 2 with a small gap and we needed a break from babies and my body took a battering with c sections. We hadn't ruled out having another and finally decided to go for it with me having a proviso that I wanted to have the third before I was 36. We were really lucky that it all worked out but I had a complex pregnancy and needed amniocentesis. After the physical and emotional roller coaster of that I knew 100% I couldn't do it again and now we're getting past the baby and toddler stages relatively easily I know we made the right choice.
We also want to give our kids a certain lifestyle and options and having more would mean they'd be more restricted. Babies and kids are cheap. Teenagers and college years are not, nor are helping them get set in the world with help with a house deposit etc so from a purely financial perspective 3 was our limit. Not to mention we can only spread ourselves over so many children before a lot of things have to give.

Princess Calla

How big is the gap?

There's a 10 yr gap between my sister and I and I've never felt part of the family. My eldest siblings all have their stories and adventures together, where I was pretty much an only child with extra parents.... absolutely zero craic.

As for knowing your done....I know I'm done in my head but heart is still catching up, still have my maternity clothes and all the baby clothes.....I'm just fooling myself though as age and energy levels are completely against me.

fits

For us it was age/ finances. Honestly I would have loved at least one more but many many reasons not to. Then my being carrier of genetic syndrome with 50% chance of passing it on was final nail in the coffin. There are ways around it ( IVF with PGD) but expensive and small enough chance of success. So that’s that.

shesty

Don't know really.I always had a number in my head...3....but I also felt 4 would be nice as it was just more even.About 2 years between each of my 3.I mean, you could keep going forever to make sure the youngest has a friend and isn't spoiled.I reached a point when my second was about 15 months when I thought we need to try for number 3 now or I just won't be able to do it. I struggled through that pregnancy, just exhausted - he turned out to be very big which didn't help -and when he was born that was just it.Couldn't do it again.I had literally drawn a line under it all in my brain- no more pregnancy sickness, no more labour, no more newborn, I just couldn't do it again.
He is nearly 3 now and everyone so often I think a 4th would be nice through rose-tinted glasses, but honestly then I think the reality of what it actually is and I think...no.Too hard on me, too hard on us, we are finished.And that's that.

Loveinapril

I have two kids, 20 months apart. I always saw myself having three but a few months after my second, we just decided it wasn't practical. Financially it would be tougher, we would need a bigger car, awkward planning holidays etc. I am 38 so we had said if we won the lotto before I was 40, we would have a third. I really struggle with life with no sleep and am not a huge fan of the newborn stage. Once we landed on two being our limit, it just felt right. They are still very young (3.5 and almost 2) so we are still in the haze but I am glad sleep should settle soon!

heldel00

We decided to go for number three but were both very definite that that was it. Husband said he'd get vasectomy but i decided to have tubal ligation during my elective section.
Had a huge scare with baby after he was born. We had the most terrifying week parents could possibly have so even if i was still physically able i would be too frightened to have a 4th.
In saying that, my heart hurts a little when i pack away the newborn/ 3-6 month clothes knowing they will never be needed again. Also, when i look at him i can't believe he is our last baby and that makes me a little bit sad cos he's so friggin cute but i am hugely grateful for what i have.
(And that he is finally sleeping through the night!)

Moonbeam

I had 4 in 5 years and 3 months, i always wanted 4. Once I gave birth I knew that was it and although I love babies and they are cute . I never had the yearning again like I did between the other kids.

catrionanic

What a good question! I also am not sure. My husband only wanted 2, I wanted 4, so we met in the middle at 3 (persuaded by the fact that we had two boys and my husband did want a girl). I am now 21 weeks pregnant on number 3 (a girl) and an questioning whether ill feel done. I felt pretty done during first trimester sickness but that doneness has faded already!

I think a 4th would be very hard on my body and even harder on our marriage tbh so we will leave it at that. However if I had a husband who was up for a big family, I'm fairly sure that we wouldn't be done just yet!

Antares35

I had my first at 36 and will have my second in three months at 37 We're done after this. It's not that we wouldn't like a third, we would. But given my age we'd probably need to make it soon, and I'd worry about the impact of three successive pregnancies in a short time on my career. More importantly, my mental health suffered during my first, and even more so during this one. I need to think about the effect a third pregnancy would have on me, my fiancé and our other babies. I also want to get my body back and be "me" again before I'm forty, as selfish as that might come across!

Still, we know we are lucky and we are happy with our family.

Milly33

Ohh the big debate.. I would never think of the age gap between kids to have another more well would it work or can we do it.. Have started to part with a few of out baby bits, we have two 3 and 1 and a bit and they are just getting along nicely together now.. Im like if we are going for no 3 we would want to do it soon, just because of age and actually getting ourselves in order.. Some days im nooo noo no normally when the little chap is off his nut giving out and then when all is calm im like ahh maybe.. Very hard to decide, we have everything in fairness a very stable home and family, both pregnancy's were great and births although c sections it was good as sections go, its just mmmmm

heldel00

I think an mmmm is more or less a yes, is it not?

I had myself convinced that i was finished at two but husband was very keen for a third. He is a very relaxed, come day go day type of character, who would generally say 'whatever you think yourself', so when he did offer his opinion on us having a third i knew it was hugely important to him.

lrushe

I have 2 kids and I knew I was finished when I no longer looked at newborns and thought 'aaawww' but rather all I saw was the work and how I don't have the energy for that anymore.
My kids are 6 and 9 and I can go have a shower without worrying and they can do things like dress themselves and make simple things to eat which makes life a lot easier these days.

noplacehere

I have two with a miscarriage and nearly a year of trying in between. They’re near 4 years apart. Honestly the whole journey from trying for the second for the first time to finally having him in my arms completely killed any need for a third.

I had a terrible pregnancy after a loss in the middle of the referendum and I was basically terrified for months on end, never mind the blood pressure and carpel tunnel and SPD and crutches.... yeah I was done. Having said that the labour itself was way better than number 1 thankfully. I’ve had some counselling since because I was fairly traumatised.

Even now nearly three years later we know we don’t want to go through it again. I think babies are cute but I don’t feel the tug for a new one.

shesty

lrushe wrote: »

I have 2 kids and I knew I was finished when I no longer looked at newborns and thought 'aaawww' but rather all I saw was the work and how I don't have the energy for that anymore..

This is how I feel.Lovely, cute newborns, they are gorgeous and those days are lovely, but I know exactly how much work goes with that cuteness and I am happy for their mother to be doing it, and not me :-)

Ever since the early days of our relationship we always spoke about having 4. 2 each. We are working on the last of those right now as it happens. So then we will be done.

The number 4 has been so strongly stuck in our heads for so long I would be surprised if at any point we would suddenly want to go for a 5th. Stranger things have happened of course. But it feels so ingrained in us that I would sooner expect my kitchen fridge to be raided by passing penguins.

HotMama89

I am done after 1. Would have loved to have had a second one but had my child before I was 20 so spent my 20s getting through college and starting a career and buying a house and financially couldn't afford it. I am in my early 30s now and I couldnt deal with such a big age gap they would be at completely different life stages and effectively having to start all over again I also appreciate the freedom I now have and being able to enjoy my 30s alot more than my 20s.

TheQ_Man

I’ve number 9 on the way.

wersal gummage

lazygal wrote: »

Babies and kids are cheap. Teenagers and college years are not.... .

Slightly off topic but genuine question here....

We are currently paying 2600 a month for creche fees (that's for 2).

How much worse can it get???

I expected things to (financially) get easier....

Braces, summer (Gaelteacht, French camp), various classes and clubs I can imagine, but can't be much worse than now???

TheQ_Man

wersal gummage wrote: »

Slightly off topic but genuine question here....

We are currently paying 2600 a month for creche fees (that's for 2).

How much worse can it get???

I expected things to (financially) get easier....

Braces, summer (Gaelteacht, French camp), various classes and clubs I can imagine, but can't be much worse than now???

I’m paying €80 per month for 2. That’s subsidised of course.

pwurple

wersal gummage wrote: »

Slightly off topic but genuine question here....

We are currently paying 2600 a month for creche fees (that's for 2).

How much worse can it get???

I expected things to (financially) get easier....

They will get much easier, unless you make some very expensive choices like buying cars for your kids, or housing them in foreign cities for university. I've told mine long ago they are living at home for uni, and getting the bus there, unless they find it themselves.

Childcare in the early years is absolutely crushing, it was the financially hardest period in my life.

College you can prepare for, and you're much later in your career, so it isn't such a big proportion of your income.

With creche and babies, you're usually also lumbered with rent or mortgage, your car insurance is necessary if you have a job , but you're young enough that it's a significant cost. You're not yet that well established in your career, possibly just having come off unpaid maternity leave and in some cases your savings recently went into a house deposit or some other expenses like cot, buggy, baby clothes etc. I remember doing the sums at the time with 2 smallies. Childcare was 40% of our net income, housing & bills was 25%, and maintaining cars (tax, insurance, servicing) were our third highest cost. I don't know what kind of college they would be attending to take up 40% of 2 people's incomes in our 50's.


On knowing when we were finished having children, I was pretty slow to have any at all, bearing environmental impact of overpopulation in mind generally, but was persuaded, and am very glad to have them. We have two, so in my head we have replaced ourselves, but not made overpopulation worse. We try our best to raise them to be responsible adults who improve others lives rather than do harm, and that's it for us. I would consider fostering in the future if it became feasible, but definitely won't create any more humans myself.

lazygal

wersal gummage wrote: »

Slightly off topic but genuine question here....

We are currently paying 2600 a month for creche fees (that's for 2).

How much worse can it get???

I expected things to (financially) get easier....

Braces, summer (Gaelteacht, French camp), various classes and clubs I can imagine, but can't be much worse than now???

I'm anticipating our food bills will go through the roof when we've 2 teenage boys. I was able to babysit and get parttime jobs easily, we're not going to assume they'll be able to do the same. One school we're considering is fee paying as we want to avoid catholic secondary schools. I'm not going to assume the costs of getting them to the point where they're financially self sustaining will be the same age me and my husband were. I see in my job the requirements have shifted to where a masters is now mandatory. Things like that. I can't see my teenage kids being totally outfitted from hand me downs and the charity shop like now.

xzanti

We have a ten and a three year old. Both boys. I always said two kids was my max.

Found myself saving baby clothes from the little guy's wardrobe and putting them in the attic recently I don't know what I want to be honest.

The brain says no but the heart isn't quite sure.

I'm just gone 38. Husband is turning 40.

I was talking to a friend of mine who also has 2 kids. She said she feels the same. It's like a sadness at the thought of not having another one. But when she thinks about it logically it doesn't seem feasible to go again.

annoyedgal

For me it was a very definite feeling of knowing I'm done after no 3. I was perfectly happy with two but there was a what if feeling and since I was 40 there was no time to wait so left it to fate and now we have three.
After a very tough pregnancy and recovery I could never face another. All the maternity gear and newborn clothes have been passed on and feel very, very sure we are done.
Going to three has been a big jump in terms of new car, childcare costs and probably an extension down the line but no regrets!

xzanti

annoyedgal wrote: »

Going to three has been a big jump in terms of new car, childcare costs and probably an extension down the line but no regrets!

Yeah. This is what I'm afraid of. I know I'd never regret having a child. But I'm worried I'll regret NOT having another one.

I would definitely be looking at a C section as I've had two already. First was emergency (I tested positive for Group B Strep while in labour).

Such a conundrum.

fits

xzanti wrote: »

The brain says no but the heart isn't quite sure.

I'm just gone 38. Husband is turning 40.

I was talking to a friend of mine who also has 2 kids. She said she feels the same. It's like a sadness at the thought of not having another one. But when she thinks about it logically it doesn't seem feasible to go again.

I feel the same. And I know it was an amazing experience to have twins but feck me it was hard. I was always envious of mums with one baby.

Especially with twin 2 and all his challenges. It would have been easier to have two twin 1s than one twin 2. Some babies are a dream and some are so much work. But I do feel like I missed out. That newborn bubble with one easy baby would be very different.

xzanti

fits wrote: »

I feel the same. And I know it was an amazing experience to have twins but feck me it was hard. I was always envious of mums with one baby.

Especially with twin 2 and all his challenges. It would have been easier to have two twin 1s than one twin 2. Some babies are a dream and some are so much work. But I do feel like I missed out. That newborn bubble with one easy baby would be very different.

Twins run in my family. Another reason to cool the heels I suppose.

afatbollix

I think we're done after 1.

1 miscarriage
1 stillborn

and now a 5-month-old. But my wife had a terrible pregnancy and the poor little one had to come out the sunroof ASAP and then didn't take a breath for 12 minutes! But she's fine now

I just couldn't put my wife through it again, It's all very traumatic. So we have decided that one is enough, Already getting when should we expect the next one but my reply is maybe through adoption.....

Wabbit Ears

Had a girl and a boy and called it a day. This fit best for our Work/Career/Life balance goals and we're pretty happy with how its all worked out. We're both very active parents and both work full time with room left over for our own time and interests.