When are you finished having kids?

fits

In a lot of large families the older kids did much of the care for the younger. But it was tough going on the mothers that’s for sure.

I actually feel a tiny pang of envy if I see someone with a baby in a sling. It’s not serious and head rules heart in this matter.

lazygal

Princess Calla wrote: »

Have we just traded one set of stresses for another?

Not in my case.


I've a much better life than my mother or grandmothers had. More equal relationship in terms of parenting. It is a myth that women didn't 'go to work'-they have always worked in family businesses, hidden work like child minding or cleaning, being involved in the family farm etc. My work-life balance is way better. We can afford a holiday every year, I'm not asked at work what my husband thinks of me back to work after a baby. My husband knows a lot more about our kids than my dad or his dad would have known. Both great dads but hands off in the way dads of that age were.

I wouldn't take the life of my grandmothers, always wondering if you were pregnant after sex and knowing you were pregnant yet again and not really wanting to be but having no options. Having the priest reading out the contributions of the parish and scraping money for that. Having a husband die young of a cancer that could be treated easily today, leaving you with six kids on your own. Nope, I'll take modern medicine and legislation and a society that gives me options.

seamus

We were hmming and hawing over a third. We did want one, but the younger child was just gone 2, so getting into that period where they're way easier because they can walk and talk and don't try to commit suicide every five minutes. So the thought of going back to baby stage was getting less and less appealing.

Anyway, fate intervened

And after the first six months or so of number 3, we were absolutely certain that there would be no number 4. Getting 5 hours sleep and getting up 3 times a night really starts to take its toll when you're in your late 30s with 2 other mouths needing your attention.

shesty

I think we have to stop believing we can "have it all"....and I think that tide is turning.
We can't have job/career/perfect house/perfect life.And like someone elsehere, I make trade offs too and accept we can't.Some parents haven't learned that yet though and they do put themselves under awful stress as a result.

rn

We've two. My wife had endo and both tubes removed in mid 30s. We were ivf from that. First time success a daughter 5 years ago. Then 8 failed rounds, with no reason. And one miscarriage. On the 10th, 2nd baby arrived last year before the pandemic hit. We're definitely done, from sleepless nights to finances and biology.

Lia_lia

I always said I wanted two but now I’m more open to the idea of three. Saying that I only have one now so we’ll see what happens whenever we have another. I’m 32 and my partner is 30 so we are still quite young. Have an almost two year old but we can’t really have another until we buy a house (which is proving impossible!) so feel a bit stuck at the moment as we’d love another soon. Three would definitely we our max though.

youandme13

I really want a third so bad! We've two already, 9 years and 3 months old, both boys, my partner doesn't want anymore!! I'm definitely not done, I've always wanted 3 and since he says he's adamant my desire is getting stronger especially putting away the newborn clothes. I don't want a third just for a girl, I'd be happy with either all boys or two boys and 1 girl. We're early 30's too

Princess Calla

youandme13 wrote: »

I really want a third so bad! We've two already, 9 years and 3 months old, both boys, my partner doesn't want anymore!! I'm definitely not done, I've always wanted 3 and since he says he's adamant my desire is getting stronger especially putting away the newborn clothes. I don't want a third just for a girl, I'd be happy with either all boys or two boys and 1 girl. We're early 30's too

Your body is most likely high on oxytocin right now.

They don't recommend you getting pregnant within the first year after birth anyway so give it time for your body to settle down.

After that if you still want a baby bring up the subject again but you need to be prepared for a "no" too .

Until then enjoy your new baby, don't ruin this newborn experience wishing for another.

eviltwin

I had my 2nd and last at 32 and that was that. I'm 44 and a pregnancy now would be a disaster and I wouldn't continue with it. I have a nice lifestyle with one adult child and one preteen so both of them are fairly independent. My husband and myself love them dearly but feel investing in us as a couple is better for everyone. We are both busy with work, studying and social lives so there is no space for anyone else either. As much as I enjoyed the journey with my kids I'm more than happy to have that phase of my life over and done with.

wildwillow

I have two. We were actively trying for a third when eldest developed cancer and died two years later.

I really didn't want my remaining child to be effectivey an only child but couldn't face another child having cancer. It was not genetic or even likely but my mind was just blocked. Needed time for all three of us to come to terms with the new family dynamic.

Husband wanted another and we tried after a few years but it didn't happen, and I realised later that I would not have coped anyway.

My son has grown into a lovely young man with his own family, and we are very close, in a non interfering kind of way.

Sinus pain

I was 26 having my third - I’d had my first at 19 and second at 23. I had hyperemisis on each and knew I was sooooooooo done after my third. Everyone was suggesting that my husband got the snip but I insisted on getting my tubes tied as i never ever wanted to be able to get pregnant again! My eldest is 24 this year - middle 21 and youngest 17.

Another thing that swayed me to stop after the third is for financial reasons. I was one of six and while we were never hungry we weren’t rich. I wanted my children to be able to have a good life a to be able to afford a good education for them.

seamus

eviltwin wrote: »

I had my 2nd and last at 32 and that was that. I'm 44 and a pregnancy now would be a disaster and I wouldn't continue with it. I have a nice lifestyle with one adult child and one preteen so both of them are fairly independent. My husband and myself love them dearly but feel investing in us as a couple is better for everyone. We are both busy with work, studying and social lives so there is no space for anyone else either. As much as I enjoyed the journey with my kids I'm more than happy to have that phase of my life over and done with.

You're also in a position that's likely the envy of your peers. A friend of ours had a surprise baby in their early twenties, before they even got married. They went on to have 3 more before they were 35, while most of the rest of their friends were only getting started then.

There were many years where this couple were somewhat the eejits who tied themselves down. But they're now in their mid-40s with 4 kids who all mind themselves and an adult child who can be called on for babysitting at anytime. While their mates are still bogged down with primary schoolers.

For our generation for some reason it was drilled in not to "tie yourself down" with kids before you were ready, but I think I'll be more upfront with my kids. I think having kids in your 20s is preferable to your 40s, if it at all possible. For a lot of reasons. There's never a perfect time to have them, there are always trade-offs to be made. Being able to enter your 40s without the burden of minding young children is not to be sniffed at.

fits

wildwillow wrote: »

I have two. We were actively trying for a third when eldest developed cancer and died two years later.

I really didn't want my remaining child to be effectivey an only child but couldn't face another child having cancer. It was not genetic or even likely but my mind was just blocked. Needed time for all three of us to come to terms with the new family dynamic.

Husband wanted another and we tried after a few years but it didn't happen, and I realised later that I would not have coped anyway.

My son has grown into a lovely young man with his own family, and we are very close, in a non interfering kind of way.

I can’t imagine what that must have been like to go through.

tickingclock

wildwillow wrote: »

I have two. We were actively trying for a third when eldest developed cancer and died two years later.

I really didn't want my remaining child to be effectivey an only child but couldn't face another child having cancer. It was not genetic or even likely but my mind was just blocked. Needed time for all three of us to come to terms with the new family dynamic.



Husband wanted another and we tried after a few years but it didn't happen, and I realised later that I would not have coped anyway.

My son has grown into a lovely young man with his own family, and we are very close, in a non interfering kind of way.

I couldn't not reply. It must have been a very difficult time for all of you. I'm glad you are close to your son and have a close family.

The Mighty Quinn

seamus wrote: »

I think having kids in your 20s is preferable to your 40s, if it at all possible

Yeah, if at all possible being key here. So many factors.

I think the modern trend of most going to college and an increasing amount going for the masters also, and people wanting to buy a house before starting a family has prolonged "childhood" and delayed the process for many.

There are so many adults living at home until 30 or beyond, not conducive to starting a family.

I was 33 when first arrived and I'm only 4 days into the second, at 35. In my 20s I hadn't met the right person, and thanks to a recession kicking in when I was 21, my job prospects were crap, I'd so little money even when working full time.

I know there's never a perfect time for children but there are bad times for it. I'd love to have been younger, I'd more energy in 20s! But I'm glad to have gotten here at all.

catrionanic

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

Yeah, if at all possible being key here. So many factors.

I think the modern trend of most going to college and an increasing amount going for the masters also, and people wanting to buy a house before starting a family has prolonged "childhood" and delayed the process for many.

There are so many adults living at home until 30 or beyond, not conducive to starting a family.

I was 33 when first arrived and I'm only 4 days into the second, at 35. In my 20s I hadn't met the right person, and thanks to a recession kicking in when I was 21, my job prospects were crap, I'd so little money even when working full time.

I know there's never a perfect time for children but there are bad times for it. I'd love to have been younger, I'd more energy in 20s! But I'm glad to have gotten here at all.

Agreed. There is a lot of luck involved too. I finished college at 21 and met my husband the next month. Engaged at 25, married and bought house at 27 (we had both been working full-time professional jobs for 6-8 years by then and saving hard), got pregnant with my first baby at 28, second at 29 and then on my third and last at 32.

Meanwhile most of my friends are approaching their mid-30s and still single. Not for lack of trying to meet someone either. Most of them have spent considerable amounts of money travelling because the settling-down thing wasn't anywhere on the horizon having not met the right person, so they're not in the financial position to buy a house and have a baby tomorrow.

There are also so many people who start to try for a family and find that it takes many years for them to finally get there. My own parents started trying at 24 and it took them 8 years to have me. So yeah, it really is not as simple as just choosing an age to do this stuff at.

eviltwin

seamus wrote: »

You're also in a position that's likely the envy of your peers. A friend of ours had a surprise baby in their early twenties, before they even got married. They went on to have 3 more before they were 35, while most of the rest of their friends were only getting started then.

There were many years where this couple were somewhat the eejits who tied themselves down. But they're now in their mid-40s with 4 kids who all mind themselves and an adult child who can be called on for babysitting at anytime. While their mates are still bogged down with primary schoolers.

For our generation for some reason it was drilled in not to "tie yourself down" with kids before you were ready, but I think I'll be more upfront with my kids. I think having kids in your 20s is preferable to your 40s, if it at all possible. For a lot of reasons. There's never a perfect time to have them, there are always trade-offs to be made. Being able to enter your 40s without the burden of minding young children is not to be sniffed at.

I have some family members in their 40’s with small children. I know they are just wrecked. I’m wrecked just being 44, I’m at an age now where I need my down time and my sleep, I don’t think I could cope with small people at my age.

There’s a lot to be said for waiting to have kids but even having the youngest at 32 I still noticed a massive difference in my energy levels compared to caring for a small child in my 20’s.

lazygal

I wish I'd had all my kids before 30. But I hadn't met himself and I didn't want to have kids unless I was married.

I was the first of my friends to have kids. Now at 39 its bliss being finished with pregnancy and the newborn blurry phase. I'm in awe of my friends just starting out at this age, due to a combination of choice and timing and fertility issues.

I've also realised everyone who's entered my organisation at my level now has a masters, at minimum. And they're coming in on a lower rate than I did thanks to cuts back in the days of the crash. And they're spending a lot on rent. I was able in the madness of the celtic tiger to borrow 10 times my income as a single first time buyer. It is a lot harder getting started out in the world of work and adulthood than when I left college in 2004. We're planning our finances with the knowledge that our kids may need more advanced qualifications than we had getting jobs, and may need help with housing.

Antares35

eviltwin wrote: »

I have some family members in their 40’s with small children. I know they are just wrecked. I’m wrecked just being 44, I’m at an age now where I need my down time and my sleep, I don’t think I could cope with small people at my age.

There’s a lot to be said for waiting to have kids but even having the youngest at 32 I still noticed a massive difference in my energy levels compared to caring for a small child in my 20’s.

I'd my first at 37 and will shortly have my second at 38. Wasn't my plan to wait but like that spent a good few years in college and working my way into a good position career wise etc. I'm jaded all the time and I sometimes get this fear, like an actual panic that grips me when I feel like I might never sleep again! I'm looking forward to the day they can wake on a Sunday morning and get their own breakfast cereal and put on the TV

markpb

Antares35 wrote: »

I'm looking forward to the day they can wake on a Sunday morning and get their own breakfast cereal and put on the TV

I got up this morning and found my 8yo dressed for school and eating breaking and the 5yo half-dressed. I nearly fainted! It's okay though, we have a 1yo who still needs help doing everything and another on the way in a few weeks so it'll be a long time before there's actually a relaxing morning.

Definitely no more though, four is more than we'd ever planned. We started when we were 26/30 and we're 35/39 now. This pregnancy is infinitely harder on my long-suffering wife than the others were. A combination of age (her words, not mine!) and not being able to relax with the three kids makes it very hard going.

Moonbeam

I had mine at 26,28,30 and 32 (2 24 month gaps and 1 15 month gap) I gave up full time paid work after #2. Big gaps for me would be a nightmare but I am not sure having them so close together was good for me , I hardly remember days , they all ran into each other and I think I ran on adrenaline and coffee.
I am lucky that they are super good kids and pretty self sufficient but I was so tired!
I would not have the energy now in my late 30s to do it again.

lazygal

I have a gap of 15 months between my first two and large parts of the first 2 years of having two are a complete blur. It was worth it in the long run.
I enjoyed the babyhood of the third the most because I knew I'd never do it again, the older two were in school and you know the ropes at that stage.

shesty

Moonbeam wrote: »

I had mine at 26,28,30 and 32 (2 24 month gaps and 1 15 month gap) I gave up full time paid work after #2. Big gaps for me would be a nightmare but I am not sure having them so close together was good for me , I hardly remember days , they all ran into each other and I think I ran on adrenaline and coffee.
I am lucky that they are super good kids and pretty self sufficient but I was so tired!
I would not have the energy now in my late 30s to do it again.

Similar in that there was a 21 month gap, then a 25 month gap here ... I think I was 31, 33 and 35 having each. I am not sure if having a third so close was a good idea for me, but on the other hand, I'm a "rip the bandage off quickly" type of person and there is a lot to be said for having them all close together while you are bogged down in the exhaustion and nappies anyway. Also no way could I face a pregnancy beyond about 35, I was absolutely exhausted on my last one. Youngest is now 3, and there is light! - 6 year old and 5 year old were fully dressed this morning, and had helped the 3 year old to start putting his clothes on too. I have hope of them being semi-independent in the future :D

lazygal

That stage where they can get themselves dressed is transformational! And the older two here surprised us by getting out the toaster and making toast without burning themselves one Saturday morning, and even made some for the youngest. Best morning ever!

JimmyVik

We have 1. Would have like to have had more, but it wasnt to be. Sometimes look at them and think it would be lovely to have been able to have a brother or sister for them.

tHE vAGGABOND

We have number two due in the next couple of weeks. Number 1 is five now - so there will be a bit of a gap. It will deffo be the end of it.

One reason we are done is that we are both in our forties. Pregnancy has really wiped out Mrs. Vagga & we both know and expect the extra few years of age will make sleepless nights and chasing a couple of kids all the harder.

Lucky I have a huge chunk of paternity leave this time, and can act as cook, cleaner & maid - to hope to make the baby baby stage easier than last time [when I went back to work after 10 days - and not long after went to America for work]

wildwillow

JimmyVik wrote: »

We have 1. Would have like to have had more, but it wasnt to be. Sometimes look at them and think it would be lovely to have been able to have a brother or sister for them.

You do get lots of people who pity an only child but there are as many advantages as disadvantages.

My main worry was that I would be a clingy mother and made sure to instil independence and lots of opportunities to mix with other children.

I also have many interests and friends so don't focus exclusively on him and his family.

As he grew into an adult I continued to be part of his life but don't expect him to be at my beck and call.

The best gift a parent can give is to cut the apron strings and let children lead their own lives.

annoyedgal

Had my first at almost 36 and my third at 40! Felt my age on the last pregnancy somewhat but was a difficult pregnancy anyways.
Have good energy levels and apart from the odd night from hell I can get by on broken sleep pretty well!
Just the way it fell for me timing wise but I'm glad I travelled extensively, lived abroad and partied well into my early 30s as I go to bed at 9.30 most nights now!
Pretty much teetotal now too.

borderlinemeath

I had my only child at almost 42. So I don't have a point of reference for it being easier when younger. That said, she is an exceptionally good child, was the easiest, happiest baby who slept through the night from a few months old, I remember asking the doctor at her 2 month check up should I wake her at 6am for a feed when she hadn't got one since 1am and he was like "Are you mad? Leave her sleep!"

We were going the childfree route and getting pregnant was quite the surprise. I sometimes regret her not having a sibling - purely for when she grows up and the pair of us are gone, then she will be somewhat alone so I really hope she has her own family by then.

fits

annoyedgal wrote: »

Had my first at almost 36 and my third at 40! Felt my age on the last pregnancy somewhat but was a difficult pregnancy anyways.
Have good energy levels and apart from the odd night from hell I can get by on broken sleep pretty well!
Just the way it fell for me timing wise but I'm glad I travelled extensively, lived abroad and partied well into my early 30s as I go to bed at 9.30 most nights now!
Pretty much teetotal now too.

I’m the same - just go to bed early. Concern about energy levels wouldn’t put me off. I don’t feel I have less now than I did when younger. But I’m probably a bit smarter about managing it too. Twin pregnancy was very tough going though and I wouldn’t fancy going through that now.