My parents knew about my drug issues. When I look back it's humiliating

LegacyUser

I was a drug addict from 2015 to 2018 while living with my parents.
I held down a respectable job and functioned somewhat but thought I could keep everything under the radar and secret.

But when I look back it was so blatantly obvious. They even mentioned it to me several times but refused to directly accuse me of doing They'd kinda sidestep the issue due to the stigma.

I showed up to new years family dinner fúcked out of my head on valium. Don't even remember most of it. Blacked out for days and had multiple mental health breakdowns.

I would be in the kitchen attempting to talk and falling about the place on whatever multitude of concoctions i had in me.

I've broke free of terrible addiction with psychology and therapy but the stigma and reputation still remains. Not only that but colleagues and friends knew too.

The mental health scars still remain too and I think my parents are so disappointed in me that I over hear them talking about how I'm a mess still even though I've worked so hard and got far in life since.

Just a rant.

Rubberchikken

Have you spoken with them about this?

You’ve overcome a lot and should be proud of that. What is causing the need to rant now?

YellowLead

Have you continued the therapy? If not it might be good to go back to it if you can, it should help to talk through all of your feelings with an impartial external figure.

But also have you managed to discuss it with your parents? Perhaps you feel a bit guilty and an apology could be very healing. You’ve done well to come out of this and recover - healing relationships should be part of that recovery.

john9876

Don't beat yourself up, addictions are very hard to overcome. You should be very proud of the improvements you've made.
They probably did know but no point in worrying about that now.
Perhaps they hoped it was just a phase. Perhaps they felt guilty because they may not have been perfect parents.
Would they be receptive to a discussion about your issues, they might surprise you.
What have you done to get this far?

Tyrone212

I knew someone who overcame a drug addiction and everyone compliments them on beating it. I wouldn't be hard on yourself. Well done for turning your life around. When you start having negative thoughts about the past, immediately tell yourself I'm not thinking about that its in the past, over time you'll think about it less and less and won't dwell on it. Be very strict about that and good luck.

Jequ0n

Are you still addicted to something (else) atm?
If I’m quite honest you should be proud of yourself for addressing it without their help and intervention.
If they knew you had a problem and ignored it they are probably ashamed themselves for having been enablers.

If I were you I’d cut loose from family like that but that’s up to you

Big Bag of Chips

Jequ0n wrote: »

If they knew you had a problem and ignored it they are probably ashamed themselves for having been enablers.

If I were you I’d cut loose from family like that but that’s up to you

It's really not that simple when it comes to addiction. If your family don't enable you the alternative is to turn you out into the street and let your life fall whatever way it may. Anybody who enables an addict does so out of love.

And I'm sure you know, OP, it's not that your parents "ignored" it. It's that you were an addict and it didn't matter how much they tried to get through to you, nothing was going to stop you doing what you were doing. You had to get to that point yourself, and the only thing your parents could have done to kick-start that is to withdraw all help, support and enabling behaviour on their part.

Your parents would have known an awful lot more than you think. Every addict would have a strong dose of denial going on. The people around them generally know there's a problem long before the addict themselves accept it.

You need to have an adult conversation with your parents. Apologise for the person you were at that time. You would have caused an awful lot of worry, hurt and upset. But, they didn't turn their backs on you. They kept you close. They loved you. They still love you.

They will always be your parents. But you are now an adult so your relationship with them should become more even rather than parent/child. Talk to them. Try help them understand. Maybe encourage them to go to a Nar-Anon meeting, or an Al-Anon if a drug one isn't in your area.

You've come a long way. But you've put your parents through a lot too. However, they don't understand. They don't know how you think now, how you feel, how much you struggled and how far you feel you've come. They can't possibly.

Talk to them. It'll help you all.

Pawwed Rig

Jequ0n wrote: »

Are you still addicted to something (else) atm?
If I’m quite honest you should be proud of yourself for addressing it without their help and intervention.
If they knew you had a problem and ignored it they are probably ashamed themselves for having been enablers.

If I were you I’d cut loose from family like that but that’s up to you

A family who put a roof over their childs head while going through the absolute heartbreak of seeing the child self destruct? You obviously do not have children.

OP they have been there for you for years and still are. Keep up the good work. The trust and respect will come back

Jequ0n

No I thankfully don’t have children, but I do know people who were completely destroyed by drugs because they were enabled to continue this life style for a prolonged period of time until it left irreparable damage.

It’s easy to say stuff such as “they put a roof over your head”, but you need to realise that it also meant prolonging the drug abuse.

I am sure every case is different, but the ones I have seen (apologies, I come from a scummy background with shiny facade) the families did all to cover it from public view.

If the OP managed to kick it on their own accord then they deserve some credit.

eleventh

If they're people you can talk to then as others advised, talk to them. If they're not then put some distance (temporarily) if you feel they're not letting you move on, assuming you're fully recovered now, three years recovery should be long enough.

mohawk

OP you talk about shame and humiliation of other people knowing. Most people have huge respect for someone who is in recovery for addiction. It’s something many addicts don’t achieve. The truth is most people aren’t judging you. You are judging yourself and it’s a natural thing to do. I hope one day you can forgive yourself for your mistakes and hopefully continued therapy and meetings etc will help you get there.

As for you parents it sounds like you never had the conversation with them about it. You can try talk to them and acknowledge that your previous actions impacted them. Now they could be the kind of people that bury their heads in the sand and don’t want to deal with it. You can’t control their response to trying to have that conversation. But it might help you move on by trying to talk about it.

Best of luck OP.

LegacyUser

Jequ0n wrote: »

No I thankfully don’t have children,

With respect, that means you're in no position to make an informed statement about the parents in this case then. You might think you know, but experience trumps knowledge every time when it comes to children.

Any even half decent parent, will worry about their child all the time, even if things are going well, even if that child is a full grown adult with a successful job, is happily married with a family of their own, is 100% healthy, you'll still worry about your child.

In this case, the child had addiction issues (side note; very well done O.P. on working through, overcoming and learning to live with those issues, huge achievement) and the parents will forever worry about that going forward. While the O.P. is doing fine now and seems to be in a very good place, for all they know he still has issues and has just become better at covering it up.

Jequ0n

I AM a robot wrote: »

With respect, that means you're in no position to make an informed statement about the parents in this case then. You might think you know, but experience trumps knowledge every time when it comes to children.

Any even half decent parent, will worry about their child all the time, even if things are going well, even if that child is a full grown adult with a successful job, is happily married with a family of their own, is 100% healthy, you'll still worry about your child.

In this case, the child had addiction issues (side note; very well done O.P. on working through, overcoming and learning to live with those issues, huge achievement) and the parents will forever worry about that going forward. While the O.P. is doing fine now and seems to be in a very good place, for all they know he still has issues and has just become better at covering it up.

Unless you have experience on the matter you would be equally unqualified to comment?

You really think the OP was helped when people ignored the issue and let them figure it out for themselves? Never bring it up at all? In the case i mentioned the addict was actively enabled to continue their habit. Is that what you’d call a prime example of parental love?

Yes the OP should address it but I would not hold my breath that they will be forthcoming because this is an embarrassing conversation for them

Big Bag of Chips

Jequ0n, you have received multiple warnings in Personal Issues. We engaged in an PM exchange this morning about it.

Please offer advice to the OP.

Next time you require moderator action it will be a 1 week ban from the Forum.

eleventh

Jequ0n wrote: »

You really think the OP was helped when people ignored the issue and let them figure it out for themselves?

He doesn't describe all of what happened. They could have intervened in the end. OP doesn't say.

Addiction can be complex to deal with. It's not always clear if someone is an addict or just going through a stressful time. Especially if things seem ok otherwise.

It sounds like OP just wants to move on from it anyway.

ILoveYourVibes

What people think of you ..is not you.

People's perceptions are not a mirror on who you are.

Not even if they are family.

Anyway ..human perceptions change several times a day ...your parents could think you are great one minute and horrible the next. Its not a reliable measure of yourself.

who cares what they think? You should not.

Mad_maxx

ILoveYourVibes wrote: »

What people think of you ..is not you.

People's perceptions are not a mirror on who you are.

Not even if they are family.

Anyway ..human perceptions change several times a day ...your parents could think you are great one minute and horrible the next. Its not a reliable measure of yourself.

who cares what they think? You should not.

Don't be so glib , it's impossible not to care what our parents think of us

Best of luck OP , sounds like you conquered your demons so hopefully in time you're parents will recognise such strength

qwerty13

I think both you and your parents are stepping around the various issues, and you’re all fearful of talking honestly.

I know you’ve been through hard times OP, but you put them through hard times too. You said that they brought up - albeit in a roundabout way - your addictions in the past (while you were using). Maybe they were afraid to completely confront you in case that would make you leave whatever supports (emotionally, or a home) that they could provide. Maybe they were scared for you. Maybe they still are.

However, things are much brighter and better for you now, which must have been such a hard road for you. You should feel proud of yourself. It sounds like you and your parents have unresolved concerns about your past, and that none of you have fully moved on from this. I don’t think it will be an easy thing for the 3 of you to sit down and have an open and honest conversation about it, but I think that’s what needs to happen - at least for you, I’m not sure if that would just increase discomfort for your parents. I don’t know what route to advise if your parents really don’t want to go there (and I’m sorry to say this, but they may have more raw memories of your past behaviour than you do).

I think you should suggest a chat between the 3 of you about it - but offer them the chance to defer it until whenever they feel comfortable to do so. That way they know the channels of communication about the past are fully open, and it gives them a bit of time to come around to it.

Much respect to you for working so hard to overcome your addictions, I can’t imagine the hard times you’ve been through. Wishing you all the best.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, the average person doesn't know how to deal with addiction. Parents of an addicted person really are just muddling through. And yes, maybe shame and embarrassment comes into it a bit. Their instinct is to protect you, from yourself and from others.

My husband has a problem with drink. For more years than I should have, I enabled it. I hid it from friends and family. I made excuses. I dropped him to the pub, I collected him. I picked up 'a few cans' with the grocery shopping. Yes, we argued about it. I told him he was drinking too much. I told him it was affecting our marriage. I told him it wasn't fair etc, but he continued, and I continued to enable it, and to protect him from himself when he was pissed.

Last year I walked out of our house bringing 4 children with me. I left him alone, in a quiet house, to show him what he risked losing. I told him we would not be coming back for as long as he continued to drink. He cried, begged, pleaded, but I stood strong (and it was the most difficult thing I ever had to do). It took a lot of strength to do it, and it's strength I didn't have before that.

What eventually made me leave was I realised that his drinking was having an affect on our children. Up to that point I thought they weren't too aware of it. That it was just me that was struggling with it. And I could cope with that. But once I realised that they were aware of it, and were becoming upset by it that's when I turned my back. I also had reached a point where I no longer cared. I didn't care if he drank for the rest of his life, I wasn't going to put up with it. I didn't care if family and friends knew, I didn't care about protecting him anymore. I didn't care if people's opinion of him changed. I just didn't care.

I did that FOR my children. I honestly don't know how I would react if it was my child who was the addict. Because I will ALWAYS care what happens my child. My love for my husband is conditional on certain things. My love for my children is unconditional. I will love them, no matter what. I don't know would I ever be able to walk out and turn my back. And yes, I understand that would mean that I'd be enabling them. I'd be protecting them from the (potentially deadly) consequences of their addiction, but even knowing that, I don't know if I could stop enabling them, by withdrawing everything. It's a complicated situation. And it's not just complicated for the addict.

You have come a long way. But, you have no idea how your parents felt at the time, or feel now. It can be awkward having these conversations, because it means becoming very vulnerable and personal. You still feel humiliated by how you acted at that point. That's understandable. Your parents will also have an overhang of feelings. Until these are dealt with, somehow, they'll always linger.

Like I said previously, maybe Nar-Anon or Al-Anon might be a good place for your parents. It's a group for people living with an addict in their lives. But maybe the would feel they don't need that. It took me A LOT of years to admit I needed it.

Good luck, you've come through it. But the scars still run deep for you all.

qwerty13

Bloody hell, I think you should read BBoC post over and over. It covers everything really.

I can’t add any more other than to wish you well OP.

The chan chan man

Talk to them. You sound bitter about the fact that they effectively prolonged your drug abuse by not intervening sooner, in your view, looking back. The reality may have been that you, and i mean this sincerely from experience, we’re a complete d1ck at the time who couldn’t be reasoned with. So maybe they simply did put a roof over your head while putting up with your sh1t.

Talk to them and hear their side of the story first. It might be good for you all.