Long time friend of bf tried to cheat with him

Jequ0n

YellowLead wrote: »

If you are not together anymore you need to cut him out of your life fully - no more telling him to do this or that or listening to him saying he will do this or that. It’s the only way to start your own recovery and healing, away from him.

Then I second what other posters said about putting yourself first.
A person like that cannot he helped if they are unwilling to address their issues themselves. Best of luck

Big Bag of Chips

If you are no longer together then you need to remove his access to you. You have encouraged him to seek counselling over and over, and he refuses. You cannot make an adult engage. His family are aware of his issues.

Listen, life is pretty sht for a lot of us. But we find ways to cope. Some people won't find their own way, preferring to lean on others and make their problems the responsibility of someone else. Don't fall into that trap, because it is one you will find very very difficult to escape from.

You have an opportunity now to not be sucked into this. Take it. Block his number. Block his social media. It will be tough, because I sense you're a "fixer". You feel the need to be strong, and encourage and support. That's a fantastic trait to have, and you'd make a wonderful friend/partner to someone who wants to be helped. By refusing to address his issues with professionals he is telling you he doesn't really want help. Not yet. For now he wants you to sort it out, make life easy for him, so that he doesn't have to face life.

The problem is, that's not working. For you, or him. If it was, you wouldn't be in this situation right now.

If you stay available to him, you are enabling him and you get trapped in a co-dependent relationship. Him needing you to lean on so he can avoid dealing with his problems, and you needing to feel needed by him, and that you're the only one who can save him.

Its not easy to turn your back when you care. But sometimes it's the best for everyone.

Hannibal_Smith

Notimeforthat wrote: »

Thanks for that. I've asked him 100 times to go and see someone. I even got numbers of people he could talk to. I'm sick of telling him there's absolutely no shame in speaking to someone. He know's i've had counselling myself.

Well you can only suggest he make contact, the decision to actually take the step is his. What I mean about you contacting someone is to talk to someone who can help you through breaking away from the relationship. Its a tough step to be making on your own and its something you must feel that he is very much in control of while he's holding something so serious over you. A call to someone who would have experience in dealing with these situations may be helpful.

LegacyUser

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

Well you can only suggest he make contact, the decision to actually take the step is his. What I mean about you contacting someone is to talk to someone who can help you through breaking away from the relationship. Its a tough step to be making on your own and its something you must feel that he is very much in control of while he's holding something so serious over you. A call to someone who would have experience in dealing with these situations may be helpful.

I'm with you now. I've made an appointment with my counsellor for tomorrow.

LegacyUser

"Big Bag of Chips" has nailed it with their previous post.

Completely remove yourself from the situation. His choices are on him, people like him often try to pose the "If you do X then I'll do Y" manipulation. He can do Y but he will have done so because he chose to do so, it won't be because you did X. So your conscience should be absolutely clear in all of this.

Well done on walking out. Much easier said than done. Focus on yourself for now.

Potatoeman

On top of the issues you mentioned I’d say this guy is a narcissist. The way his friend turned on you would make me question what he’s been saying to them. It sounds like he complains to them about you but doesn’t mention his own faults and he’s always the victim. Also he tried to kill himself in a house full of people so was likely to be found before he died.

LegacyUser

Potatoeman wrote: »

On top of the issues you mentioned I’d say this guy is a narcissist. The way his friend turned on you would make me question what he’s been saying to them. It sounds like he complains to them about you but doesn’t mention his own faults and he’s always the victim. Also he tried to kill himself in a house full of people so was likely to be found before he died.

Interesting point of view. I actually speak to him quite regularly about someone in my life who is a narcissist and how i'd hate to turn out like that. That's one of the things his friend called me. But yeah maybe that's something I need to look at if i'm attracting that kind in to my life. Definitely didn't see it with him though.

Hmm_Messiah

ignore

things seemed to have escalated rather quickly from the original post