Is my friend really thoughtless or am I overthinking?

My best friend (of 20 years) can be selfish but we have been good friends for a long time. She forgot my birthday this year and when she realised it was almost midnight and she didn’t even say happy birthday, she said “Oh it’s your birthday, celebrating with your vaccine?” (I’d just gotten my Covid vaccine). I’ve never forgotten her birthday.

My aunt passed away this week and it was such a shock, I was really upset. I txt her to tell and told her I was really upset and she said “oh no sorry for your loss.”

She didn’t mention it again, ask was I ok or even ask what happened to my aunt. I feel really let down.

I usually rationalise it by saying it’s just the way she is, because it is. She doesn’t show too much emotion towards people and she’s got kind of a lazy attitude. We have been friends for so long but at this stage I’m so annoyed and I don’t want to speak to her at the moment.

Am I being overly sensitive about this, considering this is just the way she usually behaves anyway?

markmoto

>>Mod snip - No need to quote entire OP as its them/their issue you're addressing. Quoting long posts clogs the thread and makes it difficult for touch site users to navigate through it. Thanks <<

Perhaps she needs a bit more space? And take vacation of your regular presence. Leave her alone for some time.

markmoto

markmoto wrote: »

Perhaps she needs a bit more space? And take vacation of your regular presence. Leave her alone for some time.

No I don’t think she needs space at all, she initiates contact very regularly and if I didn’t get in contact she would be wondering where I was. But I think I’ll take some space myself.

BingCrosbee

>>Mod snip - No need to quote entire OP as its them/their issue you're addressing. Quoting long posts clogs the thread and makes it difficult for touch site users to navigate through it. Thanks <<

No you are not. In this world there are nice people and not so nice people. Your friend belongs to the latter. Probably came from a cold family .

Mrs OBumble

You're overthinking.

If you're old enough to be getting vaccine then it's just another birthday, nothing special in that.

And not everyone is close to aunts. The fact that you initially texted about it rather than calling tells the other person that you didn't really see it as a big deal.

secman

Your friend by your own admission has always been like she is now, it's bothering you more now, probably because like a lot of people the covid19 restrictions are affecting you and your ability to ride over her behaviour. If it happened 2 weeks from now you might have coped with it as usually but the timing was probably at a lull time for you. She is who she is as you are who you are and friendship has lasted over 20 years.

Mrs OBumble

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

You're overthinking.

If you're old enough to be getting vaccine then it's just another birthday, nothing special in that.

And not everyone is close to aunts. The fact that you initially texted about it rather than calling tells the other person that you didn't really see it as a big deal.

I told her I was close to my aunt and I was really upset. Didn’t feel like talking to anyone on the phone in that state. So yeah actually, it was a big deal.

Tork

Deleted User wrote: »

...She doesn’t show too much emotion towards people and she’s got kind of a lazy attitude.

If this is what she has always been like, then you're expecting more from her than she can or will give. You said you've been friends for more than 20 years. Sometimes friendships that started back in school just keep going because they've always existed, rather than what you have in common now. Some people just aren't good at that sort of thing anyway and it sounds like your friend is one of those. Maybe your friend isn't close to her own aunts or other family members. Is there a possibility she just doesn't understand where you're coming from? The reason I mention this is because of my own experience. One of my uncles died a few years ago and it didn't bother me in the slightest. I didn't know him well, didn't particularly like him, and hadn't seen him for years. It was nice to get a few days off work for compassionate leave but I genuinely didn't care he had died. I still don't.

Is there more to this than these two incidents which have upset you? Does she generally let you down? Do you feel it's a one-sided friendship? If so, maybe it's time to accept that she is what she is and enjoy her as a more superficial friend, not a bestie. You don't have to necessarily cut her out of your life but accept that she isn't somebody to confide in or expect anything from.

Caranica

In life there are drains and radiators. I was having similar problems with the person I thought was my best friend. Then I realised that yes, they initiated contact, but only when they wanted something.

My life is better without them.

Not saying this is your situation, but have a close look at your friendship.

YellowLead

It could be the case the friendship is more one sided than you think? She might have loads of close friends and you are just a very small part of her life. I forget birthdays all the time...sometimes I have to even check my own mothers, so I wouldn’t worry about that one.
She does sound selfish though - if somebody texted me to say they were upset over a relative dying I’d be full of sympathy even if I barely knew them. Also be wary of people who initiate contact when they feel like it, but barely respond when you do - they are not real friends but users.

bottlebrush

You have been friends for 20 years and If this is the way she usually behaves anyway, then why is it a problem for you now?

Did she forget your birthday every other year or make more of a fuss e.g. card, gift?

Is she ' like that ' with everyone or just with you?

Jequ0n

So she’s always been like that but it only bothers you now? Why is that?
Tbh I can’t see what she did wrong but if it bothers you you need to tell her. She can’t read your mind. Have you told her before that it bothered you?

And be mindful that text conversations can be easily misread based on different communication styles. Maybe think about if a different channel of communication might work better

Hannibal_Smith

Am I being overly sensitive about this, considering this is just the way she usually behaves anyway?

Her text sounds fairly genuine in relation to your aunt. Did you respond to her? Its not as if she brushed it off as nothing, she said she was sorry for your loss?

The way I see things at the moment, the last year has been pretty testing for most people. If she's not good with others' emotions, maybe she's got difficulty in dealing with her own and isn't expressing whether something is going on with her? Either way, unless a friend is being an absolute cretin and taking advantage of someone, I'm of the opinion of cutting friends a bit of slack these days. She remembered your birthday and gave it a nod, just didn't use the exact words 'Happy Birthday'. She paid her respects in relation to your aunt. I wouldn't read too much negativity into it where there was none intended.

hurleronditch

There’s two incidents here, one the bereavement and the other the birthday.

The bereavement doesn’t come across great, your friend has clearly misread what way you are feeling and not reacted the way a close friend could or should do. That being said, text messages are not a good way to communicate through emotional situations, but she probably should have read the signals better and been more supportive. However you never know what anyone else is going through, and she may have had her own issues that day or week, and people aren’t always fully available emotionally to support everyone else and you have to respect that. It’s also not like she told you to get lost, she sent you a supportive message, but I do understand it feel short of what you would have liked and expected.

On the birthday, if this was the standalone issue I’d be telling you to very much grow up. If you’re over the age of 18 and worried about your friends wishing you a happy birthday you need to take a bit of a look at yourself. I have friends who would probably take a bullet for me and they usually don’t remember my birthday and I couldn’t care less. It’s nice to receive well wishes particularly for the milestone years, but as fully grown adults it simply can’t be something you hold a grudge on.

Overall, I’d try and move away from texting. Be the bigger person and pick up the phone, if the tone is frosty, tackle the topic head on. If everything seems great, life is too short, just enjoy the chat or meet up with your friend and get on with life.

Big Bag of Chips

Bereavement can be tricky. Did she know your aunt? 20 years of friendship had she met her before? You say you and your aunt were close, so would your friend be very familiar with her?

My aunt died a few years ago, and 1 friend still talks about her with me. Because she knew her very well. Other (good) friends would have sympathised like your friend did, and not mention it again. But i never thought they were insensitive.

Birthdays can also be funny. I could be thinking about someone's birthday for a week or 2 coming up to it, and then actually forget it on the day. If this is the type of person she is, and she has been your friend for 20 years in spite of it, then I think maybe you are being a bit oversensitive now. Times are difficult and maybe you're just feeling a bit delicate. But if your looking for TLC it could be that you're just looking for it from the wrong friend. We all have many different friends, and different friendships with these different people. All fill their own space. All of our friends aren't always good at being everything for us. But generally they're all good enough at something that makes them our friends.

Maybe you're drifting away from her. It wouldn't be unusual. But if she is just being who she has always been, then you need to realise that you are the one changing. And you are the one no longer getting what you want from the friendship.

bitofabind

You have a friend that can be “selfish” and “lazy”, and she’s showed up again here in being selfish and lazy. So she’s at least consistent. The problem here is you haven’t managed your expectations with her and she’s higher in your friend pecking order than you are in hers.

Your needs are your needs. It’s totally acceptable and normal to expect a bit of emotional support from a friend, or that they’d remember your birthday if you’ve always made the effort with theirs. But expecting those things with someone that never demonstrated any of those capabilities is a bit silly. It’s like walking into a Chinese restaurant and trying to order a burrito. It’s just not on the menu in this particular friendship.

I’d use this time to re-evaluate the friendship with her. You might need to invest in some self-care here and remove her from your inner circle, at least in your head. I find people like this are often better as acquaintances that you see from time to time and nothing more.

forestgirl

Did your parents always throw you a birthday party as a child and you were always made feel so special?
With all your friends singing happy birthday and you were the centre of attention?

If yes maybe your finding it hard to understand why your friend is not fussing over your birthday, she did think of your birthday though at the last minute,

Maybe change your mind set ,your friend could be going through a very difficult time and not telling anyone or perhaps like a lot of people as they get older they have to actually think what age they are.

I'm not criticising you by the way,I'm just trying to encourage you to see it from a different perspective

qwerty13

I genuinely didn’t feel that her responses were selfish, lazy or cold. I thought that they were perfectly fine - but that’s me (and evidently your friend).

Perhaps this just illustrates one of two things:
1) you two aren’t exclusive best friends, and that she has other very good friends, and that she engages with you not on the deeper level that you seem to require, or,
2) you both have a very different friendship style, and that you’re going to be frustrated by this until you accept that, to her, your needs/wants from the friendship might be more than she is able or willing to give.

In short, I think you’re on a hiding to nothing here. You can’t change her, so do you want her in your life as she is (and it sounds like she is not acting out of character at all)? If you can’t accept her as she is, maybe you’re just not compatible as very close friends, and more of an ‘acquaintance’ style would work better for you.

Airyfairy12

No your not being over sensitive and its not asking to much to expect your friend to meet you half way, friendship takes 2 and she's not pulling her weight.
By the sounds of it she takes you for granted & if it was me, id take a step back and not be so available to her.
I have a childhood friendship that is much the same as you describe and I find that pulling back and giving it space often helps but it still hurts, especially when youve been nothing but a good friend and youre getting very little back. It can leave you feeling used and unappreciated.
Friendships change and sometimes you'll be closer, other times you mightned speak for weeks or more but at the minute your friendship sounds completely one sided. The only thing you can do is protect your own self worth and back off for a while, maybe she'll realise that she hasnt been a good friend and will try to make more of an effort or maybe she wont, maybe she's happy to let the friendship fizzle out.

Have you got other friends to spend your time with? Id suggest either focusing on them or focusing on yourself for now.

Sammy2012

Hi Op. Firstly I'm sorry to hear about your aunt. And secondly I'm curious as to what age group you are from?

I'm in my mid 30s and have learned a lot about my friends in the last while. To people who don't know me they prob think I'm an awful person. A bitch actually. But to those who do I am very loyal and caring. I don't let people in and most of my friends would be friends for years. However over the last year I've learned so much. I would be the one to text for birthdays, kids birthdays, ask about parents when they are sick and so on. However this is not what others do. When I have my own troubles I would have very very few who I could and can rely on. And it had saddened me but it is also something I have come to accept. Some friendships are all take so if you feel your friend is like that it might be best to limit contact. Have you other friends to reach out to?

JustAThought

I am very sorry to hear about your Aunt.

Birthdays ARE important and I alway take badly or remember well who remembered (or forgot it) - birthdays count! That being said I’m not organised and will always particulate if reminded but might remember and send a card a month early or with mortification a week or two late. So I entirely get your point and agree - but not everyone has a diary or sets up calender reminders and this year things are particularly fraught and much more difficult than normal - no money, no shops open, fear of catching covid , general depression etc

I had a close family member pass away this past year (close - but not parents) and was upset and dissappointed in many peoples reactions - they knew (I thought) how important this person was in my life but many barely mentioned it or only mentioned it a few months after as an afterthought or to crassly just ask about inheritance. I am trying to be generous in spirit about it and say how would they know the impact - they didn’t see me upset, there was no funeral, no opportunity to meet and talk face to face - and although I visited and mentioned this person in passing a bit there was no obvious direct sibling/parent link that people traditionally understand and respect and value - but it does bother me too. I guess you have either to call and maybe talk about how upset you are about her dying and how difficult it has been for you - otherwise she win’t have the opportunity to realise and sympathise - people are often good when they KNOW - they just need to be told.

I wouldn’t throw over a long friendship in a covid pandemic when everything is fraught and difficult and depressing and different. Maybe as others have suggested call rather than text. I meet a friend over the wall & 6 feet apart every couple of months -it helps to see facial expressions and gestures too. And with death often people just arn’t equiped to deal with it or showing sympathy properly - it dosn’t mean they care less about you or don’t value you - maybe s/he just can’t understand properly how much you hurt or disn’t have the capacity to express herself in this difficult subject of dying and bereavement in the way you would like or need. It dosn’t mean she dosn’t care or is no longer a friend or should be exited or ghosted or not told.