Feel like I'm drifting

Drifter_ing

I'm struggling with life a bit at the minute. Would be interested in hearing if anyone else feels/felt similar, and how they dealt with it.

I'm 47 years old. I'm married with one great, primary school aged, kid and a equally great wife. I've a public sector job and, after pension/insurance/taxes I take home 1,500 every two weeks. My wife works too and takes home a similar amount.

We have a nice house in a nice neighborhood not too far from city centre & owe about 120K on it. Have circa 100K in liquid assets and no other borrowings.

So, despite all of the above, I'm not happy.
What is wrong with me? Is this a classic mid life crisis? I feel like I'm not reaching my full potential and just drifting.

But, on the flip side, I've no desire for promotions etc..I don't like spending time at work. I want to work less but I never seem to achieve anything when I do have time off. I hate the idea of being defined by my job and my heart sinks when I meet someone new and they ask me what I do. I'm not embarrassed by my job but just hate talking about it.

I don't want a convertible, or a 20 something girlfriend! I don't know what I want...is this a common scenario?

I worry a lot, and there is a history of mental health issues in my family. This leads me to worry that I might develop (or even have) such issues. I don't think I do but how does one know?

Would be interested in hearing if any of the above struck a chord?

TLDR: drifting/struggling, any suggestions?

threescompany

I think this is probably something common that happens after a certain point in life; same old, same old. Maybe it’s that turning point at the middle of our lives. Hopefully it will pass, it’s just a phase, and sounds like fundamentally you are happy. We have started going on hikes at weekend. Nothing too intense but it’s something we look forward to as a family every week. Come home & have a few well deserved G&T’s .... It’s the simple things. Appreciating life, nature. Not sure if it’s any help, but wanted to reply. Hope it passes for you.

Drifter_ing

Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate it.

Goodigal

Your life sounds pretty good to me, but I know what you're trying to say. Sometimes people have the 'is this it?' feeling about their lives and think there should be more. But really, unless you are looking for upheaval/affairs/trauma, yes this is it, and being grateful for what you have is probably a better way to look at it. Who needs drama?!!
Covid fatigue might be adding to the feeling so maybe find things to look forward to. Even trying a new place to visit with your family at the weekends. New takeaway even!
Talk to your wife and let her know how you're feeling. You could work together to make small changes. Maybe chatting to a therapist or counsellor might help tease out the feelings of wanting to be happy. It's not going to happen overnight so start working on the changes and feelings now. Hope you get there!

Hannibal_Smith

I think you're putting too much emphasis on work being the be all and end all of what will make you happy, or what makes you who you are. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate work is where a lot of us spend most of our days and so it should be something we enjoy, but a lot of us aren't always that lucky! And there are other hours in the day/week.

I also know a few people this passed year who have completely changed careers, - I'm not sure whether that's possible for you? Is there something you'd prefer to do?

Otherwise its important to balance it out by investing in the other hours in the day/week that you're not in work and enjoying them. Do you have any hobbies or interests? That way when people ask what you do it doesn't have to be about work.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I am in a similar work position to you, I think it's a common theme in the civil/public service that people become completely bored and disillusioned career wise.
But look on the bright side. You've a wife and kid and live in a good area. I'm 41 and have none of those things, and I'd love nothing more than to have met someone and had a kid but alas it never happened and now every day can be an existential lonely nightmare.
As others have suggested, try and take up new hobbies or interests, I known it's easier said than done because some people just don't have any real interests that are worth pursuing, but if you do try concentrating on that maybe. If it's possible to change career or put the steps in motion to do so, do it now, even if it could take years better to start now than never.

Drifter_ing

Hannibal_Smith wrote: »

I think you're putting too much emphasis on work being the be all and end all of what will make you happy, or what makes you who you are. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate work is where a lot of us spend most of our days and so it should be something we enjoy, but a lot of us aren't always that lucky! And there are other hours in the day/week.

I also know a few people this passed year who have completely changed careers, - I'm not sure whether that's possible for you? Is there something you'd prefer to do?

Otherwise its important to balance it out by investing in the other hours in the day/week that you're not in work and enjoying them. Do you have any hobbies or interests? That way when people ask what you do it doesn't have to be about work.

I really want to do something else but I'm a pragmatist and know that it would be tricky to get something in my field that pays similar.

I think I'm just lacking in confidence. I find it difficult as I feel like a lot is expected of me due to my gender & age.

MarriedButBi

Some interesting responses, and I would share much of the OP sentiment - albeit I am private sector, and I don't think this type of thinking re work is any more prevalent in public sector.

I think some people have an element of mild depression. But I've also read somewhere that late 40s to mid-fifties people are at their "unhappiest", and then from mid-fifties at their happiest, though I think this relates to money, financial situation.

The respones that resonates with me the most: it's the little things. Having an early G&T the odd time, splurging on take out, treating yourself to something.

Activity/exercise is key for me too. I like sports, I need to be doing something even if I am disinclined to make the effort! I always come back happier after sports. Hiking too, or any outdoor. And try to get off-line. Social media etc never made anyone happier, it's just a filler. Read a book instead, much more satisfying and engrossing.

mohawk

What your feeling is not uncommon.

Forget about work for a second, because for many people it’s a means to pay for the lifestyle/bills. There is more to you as a person then your job and being a husband/ father. What do you do with your time outside of work. Do you have hobbies or goals set for yourself. I know from myself and my friends when the kids are young between work and the young child it’s easy to stop doing things for yourself because you have no time. When the kids get older I think it’s common to take a look at your life and kinda go is this it. Everyone needs things to look forward to in their life.

Rubberchikken

Hi op
You make no mention of interests or hobbies. Work should never be what defines us.

I’m glad you have a great kid and wife. A good home life and a good income. All positives.

You need to ask yourself what you want to do next. Study? Travel (when we can), change of career.

BoardsMember

Study and change of career are fairly big things! I'd be focusing on the little things - easier to execute, more likely to actually do it, less daunting etc.

Stovepipe

find something that stimulates you on your days off, as a hobby for yourself, aside from spending time on your wife and kid the whole time. Restore a motorbike in the shed or learn to paint or play an instrument. Do something! Don't sit there waiting to die.

RojaStar

Maybe think about how you would like to be defined? And start making small changes to get there. There's a brilliant book called Atomic Habits by James Clear and a couple of his ideas come to mind. He says that we often try to change the wrong thing. Maybe it's what you do (or don't do) outside work that you should look at changing. Another is focusing on building identity-based habits rather than outcome based eg. "I am a runner" rather than "I am going to train for a marathon" or "I am a non-smoker" rather than "I'm trying to give up smoking".

I'm probably butchering those examples but hopefully you get the idea.

Rubberchikken

If you're consistently unhappy maybe it's time to talk to your gp.

Every one has off days and days they question what they're doing/where they're going etc but if the joy is gone out of life then talking with a professional might help to see things clearer.

The DayDream

There are vast amounts of people who long for a stable job, who wish they had a partner, who are sad that they never had children, will never afford to own their own home and will have to rent mouldy crap holes for ridiculous rates for the rest of their lives. If you had to trade places with one of them for a day you'd be on your knees praying for your old life back.

That doesn't mean you don't have problems also, but it's a general malaise, which I'd say will pass. You have it so easy that the mind is creating problems where there are none. Imagine if in the next few days something awful happened, you or a family member were in an accident, someone died suddenly, you (for some reason out of your control) lost your house or were sent to jail. You'd soon forget all about this current problem of 'drifting' (which is an odd way to describe yourself, a married, employed homeowner with children - it doesn't get more settled than that.)

Perhaps you need to figure out what excites you and what you are passionate about, and pursue that more. I don't know what to tell you other than that as you pretty much have it all - and most people dislike or feel unfulfilled at work, unfortunately.

LegacyUser

OP here. Thanks everyone for your insights. It's very interesting for me to hear other perspectives.

I've taken on board a lot of what has been said. The posters who are (politely) castigating me for not being thankful for my privileged position, relative to others, are 100% correct. That said, no matter what your situation is there is always someone better off & someone worse off.

I suppose it does kind of boil down to the fact that I don't think I'm fulfilling my potential (the limited potential that it is!). I don't feel like employment/career will ever leave me satisfied. I don't look at my boss and think I'd like their job.

I am naturally introverted, but not in the stereotypical sense - I don't play videogames alone in my underwear or hide from people! I am really interested in meeting new people but I am very happy in my own company too.

I think, ultimately, I need to figure out what will bring me happiness/contentment and focus on that.

Also, I may possibly need to seek professional assistance.

RojaStar

Good luck OP!

Start small and keep at it, things will fall into place. Not a bad idea to speak to a professional, they might be able to help you get to the core of what's got you feeling like there's something missing.

araic88

The DayDream wrote: »

There are vast amounts of people who long for a stable job, who wish they had a partner, who are sad that they never had children, will never afford to own their own home and will have to rent mouldy crap holes for ridiculous rates for the rest of their lives. If you had to trade places with one of them for a day you'd be on your knees praying for your old life back.

That doesn't mean you don't have problems also, but it's a general malaise, which I'd say will pass. You have it so easy that the mind is creating problems where there are none. Imagine if in the next few days something awful happened, you or a family member were in an accident, someone died suddenly, you (for some reason out of your control) lost your house or were sent to jail. You'd soon forget all about this current problem of 'drifting' (which is an odd way to describe yourself, a married, employed homeowner with children - it doesn't get more settled than that.)

I think you're missing the point. OP has said they know they "should" feel perfectly content & that they have it all, but they just don't feel that way. And yes it might just be a "general malaise' that will pass, but it also might not & dismissive comments like that only add to the issue.

OP, I've felt a bit similar at times through the years, and have had some mental health issues (depression initially, then anxiety more so) but feel I can manage them well now. I'm glad I've received help with this in various forms as I don't think there's one specific solution.
A few years ago, being told I should be grateful or happy and that things could be much worse only made me feel guilty.
Everything is so much trickier this year (and most likely compounding how you are feeling)
but I'd suggest:
Do keep an open mind about counselling, having a chat with your GP etc. I didn't get much from either when I first tried, but eventually got a lot of benefit. Trust your gut & try a few avenues if needed.

I don't do it often enough, but getting up early and exercising at the start of the day (or any time really) does wonders for mood, a sense of satisfaction etc.

Could you maybe work less?
There's nothing wrong with not being terribly driven/ambitious work wise. A good work/life balance is healthier than trying to climb some career ladder if you're not interested. If you don't need to work full time, would cutting a day or two per week or per fortnight give you the time to volunteer or study, or try something else you might find fulfilling?

Patsy167

Drifter_ing_ wrote: »

OP here.
I suppose it does kind of boil down to the fact that I don't think I'm fulfilling my potential (the limited potential that it is!). I don't feel like employment/career will ever leave me satisfied. I don't look at my boss and think I'd like their job.

No harm seeking fulfillment outside of work. Always good to be diversified. It is often a minor tweak that is needed rather than ripping up the entire playbook. A new hobby, regular volunteer activity, online courses (languages, coding, trading) , or podcast series could be a game changer and start a virtuous circle effect across all aspects of your life. Best approach is often not to overthink what to try and just commit to trying something at least once until you find what sticks.

salonfire

As others have alluded to, it is shocking to hear this in the middle of a pandemic and retail bloodbath where people's lives are turned upside down and hopeless.

Be thankful for what you have. I think it's a real problem with public servants, never satisfied in general, you can see their comments all over the Internet giving out. A lot of this negative attitude comes from the staff-rooms, canteens and union meetings. It's bound to have an effect on your way of thinking surrounded by it all the time

Patsy167

salonfire wrote: »

As others have alluded to, it is shocking to hear this in the middle of a pandemic and retail bloodbath where people's lives are turned upside down and hopeless.

Be thankful for what you have. I think it's a real problem with public servants, never satisfied in general, you can see their comments all over the Internet giving out. A lot of this negative attitude comes from the staff-rooms, canteens and union meetings. It's bound to have an effect on your way of thinking surrounded by it all the time

Be kind. This sort of stuff helps nobody.

xzanti

I honestly think one of the most dangerous places a person can be in life; is when they've achieved all of their "dreams" and they realise they're still not happy. I imagine it's not a nice feeling.

Just my opinion.

OP have you tried counselling? I'd also advise speaking to your GP. If you're not finding joy in your day to day life then I think reaching out for a little bit of help is your best bet.

I hope you feel better soon.

fits

I wonder would something like volunteering with an organisation to help those less fortunate would give some meaning. Organisations like Vincent de Paul do great work in the community.

I can only imagine how easily it is to fall into this kind of malaise when the kids are a bit bigger. You're not striving towards any aim, and I think humans need to strive towards something.

redoctober

Drifter_ing_ wrote: »

OP here. Thanks everyone for your insights. It's very interesting for me to hear other perspectives.

I suppose it does kind of boil down to the fact that I don't think I'm fulfilling my potential (the limited potential that it is!). I don't feel like employment/career will ever leave me satisfied. I don't look at my boss and think I'd like their job.

Hi drifter ing. Thanks for your thread. I'd say a lot of people find themselves in your situation. I'm pretty much the same. Decent salary, good home life, young child. A lot of good things and yet...

I think it's probably fitting your personality with your job. If it's tedious repetitive work it's hard to be motivated. Some people in my workplace enjoy bureaucracy. They can't get enough of paperwork! Also when you're not learning much at work cue boredom.

It's tricky to know whether to stick or twist as you would leave a good salary for pastures greener. But would they be? I think some other posters seem to have good advice re balancing things outside of work. I find that even though your work is unfulfilling doesn't mean you have tonnes of energy at the end of the day to take up hobbies. Quite the opposite. maybe it's a case of breaking the cycle and doing something. I'm speaking to myself here. :-)

stateofflux

OP i have heard similar from friends. The pandemic has contributed a lot to the Limbo frame of mind for a lot of people which makes that life clock tick a lot louder.

My best advice is to try and think hard about your personal fulfillment (put societal / family responsibility out of it while thinking) . Deep down there is obviously something you are not doing that you need to be doing. It could be right under your nose.

One identified then reel back in the daily /family responsibility and strike a balance. Make a plan. Make goals. Take action.

Best of luck.

carasco_rasco

I'm in my early 30s and I feel the exact same way, I have everything and I am quite mehh about it. How is the relationship with you and your wife? I think that has a lot to do with it. Would you consider speaking to someone about it ? I am considering just that.

JustAThought

carasco_rasco wrote: »

I'm in my early 30s and I feel the exact same way, I have everything and I am quite mehh about it. How is the relationship with you and your wife? I think that has a lot to do with it. Would you consider speaking to someone about it ? I am considering just that.

Projecting much? OP has said he has a fantastic partner & child & loves them.

Not all ennui is partner focused.

BingCrosbee

Drifter_ing wrote: »

Thanks for your thoughts. Appreciate it.

You have a lot going for you. This feeling won’t last long and it’s normal. Join a club and meet people at the weekend for a few hours, just to talk sh..e or whatever, cycling maybe or whatever. It will give you something to look forward to. I’m in a d group cycling outfit and it’s great craic, bollix talk, coffee and scone a bit of exercise and you’ll deadly after it. Best of luck. I visit lots of houses daily and you are in the top 10 per cent of people that have a lot going for them. Count your blessings

sporina

Sorry you hear you are feeling this way OP.
How long have you been feeling like this? Did anything happen that could have triggered it, or has it always been there?
I don't want to jump to conclusions but do you think you could be a bit depressed? Have you considered going to see your GP?

cloudatlas

It's clear you have to identify what gives your life meaning. Here are some thoughts or a checklist if you will based on the findings from the book 'Lost Connections: Why You’re Depressed and How to Find Hope'
by Johann Hari

Johann suggests I think correctly that there are 7 things and if you can connect with at least some of these things they will resolve depression and lead to the stable self.

Access to meaningful work- Could you explore other careers either by yourself or with a career coach.

Connections to other people- do you have friends and people outside your relationship to share interests with.

Having meaningful values- not tying your values to material wealth.

Resolving childhood traumas

Having status and respect from those around you

Contact with the natural world- going for regular walks in nature.

Some hope for the future

In addition he recommends Sympathetic Joy. This is something that the Buddhists do. Thinking about yourself and manifesting warm feelings towards yourself. Thinking about others and manifesting warm feelings towards them.

The stoics have a practice where they think about the day. They think about what didn't go so well and what they would do differently if another chance arose. They think about what went well and why it went well and they think about tomorrow and make productive plans.

If you don't want to do that you can just think of two or three things that were very positive about the day... maybe you helped someone in work or you read to your child, just things to be grateful for.

Maybe see a counsellor before going down the route of taking medication.

ILoveYourVibes

Drifter_ing wrote: »

I don't want a convertible, or a 20 something girlfriend! I don't know what I want...is this a common scenario?

Its something I hear a lot.

Its not something i have experienced though. So while i will give advice. If it comes off as being inexperienced or patronizing while coming from a lofty place not in tune with the real world I apologize.

People tend to think that happiness comes from things. But it really comes from within.

So when they say ..i have this great car...this great wife ..etc etc great home ..cool job...etc. It doesn't resonate truly in them.

Happiness doesn't come from these things.

It doesn't come from friends or loved ones either.

The happiest time in my life ..i had virtually no friends and I was single.

It's something i hear all the time from a lot of people though.

Im not saying that being poor will make you happy. The calmness that comes from having money is a good feeling ..it lasts all year ..it lasts all day and it feels good and wholesome. The feeling of having no debt ...it runs deep. I like it and i think most people do.

But that is calmness and contentment ..its different from joy or happiness.

It comes from being full inside. And YOU have to decide what to fill yourself up with.

When you mentioned the car and the young girlfriend .....people do try and fill themselves up with these short term fixes ...but these feelings don't last all year and all day.

No one can tell you the long term fix. Its in you.