Mean

fineso.mom

Agreeing with everyone here who says he will not change. I have an older friend who told me how, on honeymoon with her ex husband, he ordered a curry and asked for two forks. Tgey were married dor twenty years before she finally left him. In that time he had numerous jobs, some very well paying but she rarely saw any of it. She worked throughout the marriage other than when she had a few months off after having children. She paid all the bills, did all the housework, decorating, gardening. He paid for the car, which he grudgingly allowed her use now and again. He went on week long fishing trips and other breaks, which he paid for, but any family holidays, she had to save for. When they divorced, he left his most recent job, went on the dole and was ordered to pay something like 20pounds a week maintenance. He never paid a penny. She tried to keep a relationship for the children's sake but as they got older they saw him for what he was and have zero contact now that they are adults.
He was a petty, mean and vindictive person whose only priority was himself. Even his own elderly mother avoids him.
She has said so may times, if love hadn't blinded her to the meaness her life would have been so different.

Purple Mountain

I'm really angry having read your posts OP. He is a leech, a sorry excuse for a man.
Also, and I'm not going to mince my words here, but I think you were highly unfair to allow this man to scrounge off your parents good will for so long. Are you not embarrassed to allow this man child take advantage of your own family?
He's taking both you and them for a ride.
I assume your parents don't know that he's not contributing financially and you're covering for him?
Otherwise, why would they turn a blind eye to this miser too?
It's not just that he is mean, as per your thread title, he's using you and your family and I'd not be surprised that now he's getting on his feet financially and drained you, if he's going to leave you shortly.
Sorry OP, but I'm just calling a spade a spade.

leggo

It l’s definitely is a possibility worth flagging: now that he may sense his bill is coming due, he may walk and look for another mark. It’s not as if he cares that much...he’s pushed you to debt on his behalf and barely blinks at that, he probably isn’t even able to care about anyone but himself. So another reason to be proactive OP. Users like him will just ditch people once they see them as having fulfilled their usefulness and they ask for anything in return.

JeffKenna

I'm really sorry OP but you've been used. You need to kick him out of your parents house ASAP, give the ****er a dose of reality.

BingCrosbee

Meanness is a horrible trait and mean people never change. I had a mean friend once who turned into a mean husband and he spends nothing and they go no where.

TrangiaCoffee

beertons wrote: »

Do you pay rent at home?

Think this is an important question, and has he lived with your parents for 3 years?

He could take a case for unlawful eviction due to restrictions.

hurleronditch

TrangiaCoffee wrote: »

Think this is an important question, and has he lived with your parents for 3 years?

He could take a case for unlawful eviction due to restrictions.

Those restrictions have ceased. She can kick him out by lunchtime if she wishes. And she should in my book.

At least suggest a formal split of money, state that now you guys have two incomes you want to give your parents more money and that he should contribute, and then suggest maybe you guys set up a joint deposit account for a house/holiday/car etc. If he flips out and completely balks at what is a completely normal next step in a relationship for people in their 30s.

Have all of your points made out and rehearsed in your head before you begin the discussion.

Tork

OP are you somebody who didn't have many boyfriends or long term relationships before this man came along? If you're almost grateful that somebody picked you and have self esteem issues, you're ripe for the picking. I bet the thoughts of being single again at your age terrify you. You believe deep down that if you end this relationship, you'll end your days as an old lady living alone with cats.

tjc28

Tork wrote: »

OP are you somebody who didn't have many boyfriends or long term relationships before this man came along? If you're almost grateful that somebody picked you and have self esteem issues, you're ripe for the picking. I bet the thoughts of being single again at your age terrify you. You believe deep down that if you end this relationship, you'll end your days as an old lady living alone with cats.

what a vile reply. you need to get a grip. the OP has posted here looking for advice, not this drivel. OP, ignore this fool

shesty

Well if you've discussed children OP, let me put it this way.

If you had 2 small kids, and childcare expenses were high, and the decision was made that you would stay at home and he would work - how do you think that would work out? Do you think he would be controlling the flow of money into the house, given that it is his paycheque? Would he give you money? Would you have to go begging him for money every time you needed a haircut, or to fill the car with petrol, or to buy more bread, or the kids needed new underwear or coats? Do you think he would as generously give you what you need, as you gave him?

Just think about that, and it should tell you everything about the future of this.

Purple Mountain

^to add.. if you're out on maternity leave depending on your social welfare entitlements, is he going to begrudge your temporary drop in wages while you stay home and raise his baby?
You ask in your original post, OP, if you can overlook this side of him if everything else is great?
Well, is everything else really great when he has this fundamental flaw that will eat into every aspect of your lives?
Just a few points to consider..
You've both saved a significant amount giving your parents just €100 per week for 2 adults.
Has he said anything about applying for a mortgage now with these savings? After 3 years, you both should have some long term living plans?
How would you feel about potential children seeing this mean side of him?
How do you feel about your partner not having any qualms about letting you pay just €100 per week to your parents to keep you both in accommodation? Do you think this is acceptable that an adult man, who is now earning twice your wage on the back of being supported by you and your parents, hadn't turned around with a lump sum to you all as way of compensation and gratitude?
What would you tell your sister in this situation?

Neyite

Is your age holding you back from cutting your losses OP?

I can understand if it might be but I have the hindsight of being a good bit older than you so I've seen plenty of women in their early thirties, meet, marry and have the family and the house they wanted with someone - assuming that's something you would see in your future of course.

I just want to tell you that if you get rid of him now, take a few months to recover and begin dating again, you still have a decade or so to build the family you want. Plenty of time.

Oranage2

This can't be real. He was completely financially dependent on you whilst he was in college and then says he'd never support you?

YellowLead

tjc28 wrote: »

what a vile reply. you need to get a grip. the OP has posted here looking for advice, not this drivel. OP, ignore this fool

I don’t think it was put sensitively enough by Tork but I’d be thinking along the same lines. How could somebody even contemplate continuing a relationship with somebody who leeched off them and then refuses to contribute their share never mind pay anything back?
Either there are bits of the story missing, or OP you need to SERIOUSLY work on your self esteem - ask yourself why you are accepting this and not dumping him.

stoneill

There is a woman who lives in my locality that I see shuffling about that I though was homeless or destitute.
Clothes in disrepair, not groomed very well, dowdy. Sometimes she knocks on doors looking for some hand-outs of food
or maybe to do a bag of laundry for her.

As it turns out I find out later, she lives in a nice sized house but her husband controls all the money.
He was pointed out to me after, nice suits, nice car, big man with big job sort of look.

It's a bit extreme but that could be what is in store for you.

Dial Hard

TrangiaCoffee wrote: »

Think this is an important question, and has he lived with your parents for 3 years?

He could take a case for unlawful eviction due to restrictions.

I suspect we won't see the OP again but just in case, this makes absolutely no difference whatsoever. This bloke is a guest in the parents' house with absolutely zero rights whatsoever. Literally none.

Katgurl

Ugh dump him. I detest meanness. It's not about the money, it signals to a genuine lack of gratitude / regard for you.

We were very wealthy growing up. My mother was always stressed about money simply because my father controlled the finances and was mean.

Raise your standards far far higher. I am wondering why you would say you would never rely on him financially. Why not? He relied on you. I also would not plan to rely on someone but if I'm making life plans with someone there is an understanding we will support each other in times of strife; my boyfriend was unemployed and had depression for a period and I was on extended sick leave with cancer later.

LegacyUser

Trying my best to find a positive so I guess at least he's being honest and up front with you.

Whether or not you choose to tolerate and accept it is up to you. Most wouldn't as is evidenced by the responses on this thread.

He has as good as told you if you ever fall on tough times you're on your own. You had better hope you never find yourself in between jobs or unable to work due to health reasons.

You had his back when he needed it. He has made it clear that will never be reciprocated should roles ever be reversed. Again, up to you whether you accept that and if that is the standard you set for yourself in terms of your choice in partner.

While he earns more than you; does he actually have savings? Is there something else going on such as a gambling addiction that is draining his finances? Might explain his "firm" stance on the issue.

sleepyman

MissShihTzu wrote: »

May I also ask, OP? I see you used your savings to pay for your partner's college course. Did he offer to pay you back? Did YOU ask for the money back? If not, why not?

I can't believe this guy-meanness and being tight is an absolute turn off.I would ask him for the college fees to be paid back and send him packing.

99nsr125

Sallysad wrote: »

I’ve been with my boyfriend for the past 3 years. He is from another country and he is living in my family home with me and my parents. For the first 3 years, I paid for everything he needed and was always generous to him even though my job was minimum wage. He never wanted for anything. He was studying at the time. I am just taken aback and a bit upset as he got himself a job recently and he is very stingy. He earns twice what I earn yet he still expects me to pay for everything. I asked him to pay half towards a present for our friends wedding and his reply was “stop always going after my money”. He also said to me that he would never support me if I wasn’t working for any reason and I’d have to find a job. Obviously I wouldn’t rely on him financially but his comment worried me if I ever found myself unemployed. I guess I just never saw this side to him and it’s bothering me

What country is he from as knowing his culture allows a better answer

punisher5112

99nsr125 wrote: »

What country is he from as knowing his culture allows a better answer

No it doesn't, he is a free loader, she fell for it and is paying the price now.

Dog day

I’m aghast at this OP! You’ve been horribly used not to mention your poor parents.

Dump him immediately, pack his bags, take his key, infact change the locks! And should it be a concern, please don’t ever let fear of being alone blind you like this again. Best of luck.

BattleCorp

I wouldn't class the OP's boyfriend as mean. He's much worse than that.

LegacyUser

Men like this will never fail to amaze me with the extent of just how mean they can be.

I once heard of a man who begrudgingly had been paying 50/50 for the bills with his partner. When she was going on maternity leave (having HIS baby) she wasn't able to cover the 50% she normally covered so he said he'd 'lend' her the extra and that she could pay it back when she went back to work.

It is such a horrible trait. He's a massive user and doesn't appreciate anything you have done for him. This isn't a small thing that you can get past, you will regret it if you stay!

Daisy78

Katgurl wrote: »

Ugh dump him. I detest meanness. It's not about the money, it signals to a genuine lack of gratitude / regard for you.

We were very wealthy growing up. My mother was always stressed about money simply because my father controlled the finances and was mean.

Raise your standards far far higher. I am wondering why you would say you would never rely on him financially. Why not? He relied on you. I also would not plan to rely on someone but if I'm making life plans with someone there is an understanding we will support each other in times of strife; my boyfriend was unemployed and had depression for a period and I was on extended sick leave with cancer later.

This is so true. It’s actually not about money or at least just money. It’s symptomatic of a general lack of care and kindness. If he was any way sincere in his feelings he would make every effort to show his appreciation. It doesn’t mean he has to pay you back the money (although in my opinion he should), he could make small gestures here and there to show his gratitude for what you and your parents have done for him. I’d think long and hard about your future with this guy. Unless he is absolutely amazing in every other way perhaps he might be a keeper but I’m guessing that is not the case.

rolling boh

Have not read all the replies to the post but this situation screams of low self esteem from the poster you have all the evidence that he has no real regard for you and would be a terrible choice to try and build a future with please for your sake get rid of this freeloader asap .

Emme

OP this man has leeched off you AND your parents for 3 years. He is an extortionist. Why haven't your parents had a little chat with you and pointed out that he needs to start paying his way or you need to make better choices in men?

You would be better off on your own for the rest of your life than with this man. It is likely he will take you for what he can while he can until he finds another sucker with better pickings. Then he will be gone without a backward glance and he would be doing you a massive favour.

Get rid ASAP. Don't listen to any excuses or believe any empty promises he might give. He's happy to sponge off you and your parents because it's better than shelling out 500 or 600 euro for a bed in a shared room in a cramped houseshare.

Remember your parents are eating into their retirement funds and savings for old age by putting this sponger up as a guest in their house. This is financial abuse of an elderly couple and extortion of your hard earned savings for his course. He is not merely mean, he is a criminal.

GET RID.

Pinoy adventure

Does he send money back too his family abroad ???

SAMTALK

Meanness is the most awful trait in a person.

you love someone you will want to give them the world, even if you aren't rich you would still do all you can

The fact he has money and will not look after you tells you the sort of person he is....... run

Meeoow

SAMTALK wrote: »

Meanness is the most awful trait in a person.

The fact he has money and will not look after you tells you the sort of person he is....... run

I don't think she wants anyone to look after her, just pay their way, which he is not.

BattleCorp

I think Sallysad has her answer. In my opinion he isn't a nice guy and this seems to go far past meanness.
If she's happy to continue to have her partner sponge off her family and her, then good luck to her but it doesn't bode well for the relationship. It wouldn't be for me, that's for sure. He'd be long gone.

YellowLead

Don’t think OP will be back....maybe time to close thread?

juno10353

You are with a 32 year old man who has bled you dry, and put you in debt, while getting a further education at your expense. Plus free board, lodgings and pocket money for 3 years. Hasn't he done well. He has taken advantage of your parents kindness, and taken you all for granted. Get rid quick

qwerty13

There’s been enough comments here to say what people think of this guy (which I wholeheartedly agree with). He’s a selfish louse.

But the other half of this is WHY this happened, and how do you ensure that you never fall into a similar situation again. So many red flags:
- it didn’t seem like you knew this guy very long before he moved into your parents house
- apols if I’ve missed it, but did he move here ‘to be with you’ - in which case did you know him in real life at all before he moved in?
- why didn’t he get a part time job
- why did you provide him all of your hard earned money, with seemingly nothing in return (unless he was doing all the diy / maintenance / whatever your parents wanted done - and even then, it’s not enough)
- why did you think it was ok for your parents to put up with a stranger in their home, and one that they were effectively funding

I’m not being deliberately harsh to you OP, but you’ve let this guy completely use you, and I think you really need to look into why this happened, so that you can ensure that you never, ever, end up in this situation again.

ILoveYourVibes

It sounds like he was using you for money when you had more than him.

You deserve better.

SAMTALK

Meeoow wrote: »

I don't think she wants anyone to look after her, just pay their way, which he is not.

Apologies, didnt mean it that way.

Look after her in that he should take some of the burden from her financially

ILoveYourVibes

qwerty13 wrote: »

There’s been enough comments here to say what people think of this guy (which I wholeheartedly agree with). He’s a selfish louse.

But the other half of this is WHY this happened, and how do you ensure that you never fall into a similar situation again. So many red flags:
- it didn’t seem like you knew this guy very long before he moved into your parents house
- apols if I’ve missed it, but did he move here ‘to be with you’ - in which case did you know him in real life at all before he moved in?
- why didn’t he get a part time job
- why did you provide him all of your hard earned money, with seemingly nothing in return (unless he was doing all the diy / maintenance / whatever your parents wanted done - and even then, it’s not enough)
- why did you think it was ok for your parents to put up with a stranger in their home, and one that they were effectively funding

I’m not being deliberately harsh to you OP, but you’ve let this guy completely use you, and I think you really need to look into why this happened, so that you can ensure that you never, ever, end up in this situation again.

I can understand you saying this.

But at the same time.

Its natural to open up your heart to someone you love unconditionally.

I wouldn't want to be so damaged I couldn't do that.

But obviously to someone who is worth it.

OP it prob never occurred to you that someone might be like this.

I think it says a lot about him....but not so much about you that this happened.

Don't let anyone take you for a ride ever again. But don't think that this is your dysfunction. Hand his dysfunction back to him...its his.

Two people being generous to each other ..fantastic ..that is the way its meant to be...giving and receiving.

You just forgot to receive ! :P

Zebrag

Hi OP

Be stingy back. Don't support him.

If he can't support you financially then he's not going to support you emotionally, physically and mentally. If he can't so much as offer to buy a pint of milk without complaining then god only knows how he will carry on when something serious happens when you really need him.

I'm well aware of the financial crisis that has happened because of Covid and couples have found themselves having to support each other financially, often on one wage. That's a support system and rightfully so if you're committed to each other.

I wouldn't continue with him based on the fact that he's unsupportive, full stop. Being independent with money and not asking your partner for a penny is one thing but to air the fact that you're not willing to support, then no sorry, that's a no brainer for me. You're either in it as a couple or he can venture out on his own where rent prices are sky high and includes bills and food and he'll soon realise how easy he really had it.

Good luck OP.