Got a girl pregnant

Tazium

Remove the sexual orientation and you've got a man who is scared and uninformed. Advice thus-far suggests a paternity test and that's a really good starting point to avoid any future doubt. Once that's done and results are known you need to work out how to proceed. There are all kinds of costs and time constraints coming but also an innocent child who didn't ask to be born and won't wait for you to decide.

Your opening post is a little troll-like, so putting that to one side you mentioned that this could be the only child you'll ever father. Fatherhood is challenging but exceptionally rewarding and the benefits will outweigh any negative thoughts you are experiencing right now. This is given from the depth of my own experience.

Financial responsibility and agreements on access can be very hard to get agreement for, especially as you aren't together as a cohabiting couple. Work out a co-parenting plan if you want to be involved (I really hope you will).

It's not a disaster or the end of your world. It's an adjustment and you'll be fine. Take a breath. Maybe read-up a little and gain some understandings. Good luck.

mohawk

Look the girl is pregnant and whatever plans she had have dramatically changed. It’s not the babies fault that they were conceived.

If your going to resent this child then pay your maintenance and leave the child alone. You will do more harm then good. Kids aren’t stupid they know if they are resented or not.

If you want to be involved it won’t be easy as your in different parts of the country but it will be doable. Remembering birthdays and turning up for big occasions will mean something to the child, but you have to be doing it for the child. Your young and don’t know where life will take you I get that, but there is a child now. It’s not the end of the world it’s a new path.

LegacyUser

The thing that is really getting me extremely confused and mentally distressed is the fact that I think I am actually sexually attracted and in love with her. I believe I am and that poses huge difficulties for me, I am very much convinced that I'm gay and what will people thing after coming out that now I am in love with a woman? That is my real fear. I feel I am truly attracted and in love with her and that will make everything I am a complete lie. I hate that I am having these feelings.

I feel if I get involved with my daughter's life I will end up being unable to resist wanting my relationship with the mother to go deeper. Added to that I do not believe I would make a good father due to my sexuality.

I am just extremely confused and messed up at the moment. Illegitimate was the wrong term to use but I'm struggling to identify what is going on.

shesty

Right.So this is about more than just the baby?

In which case OP can I suggest you deal with one problem at a time here.I don't think the question of your sexuality is going to be amswered quickly.Your most immediate issue is that you potentially are going to become a father in 3 months.I suggest you address that first.And all I can say is give it time.Don't make any decisions about relationships or where you might live or anything until a few months after the baby arrives.I have kids, believe me planning before the baby comes,and in the days after it's arrival is not a good idea.You need to try to run with whatever arrangement works for the first few months of the child's life, and then start discussing any longer term plans.
The question of your sexuality, only you can amswer.I suspect that is something that will play out over time for you.Try not to be too hard on yourself, because there is a lot of upheaval right now - bear that in mind.

Stihl waters

Illegitimate ffs, you should be ashamed of yourself and edit your opening post to take it out of it, you'd think a gay man who's peers suffered so much before him would have more social awareness about such language

Indespair_22

Indespair_22 wrote: »

The thing that is really getting me extremely confused and mentally distressed is the fact that I think I am actually sexually attracted and in love with her. I believe I am and that poses huge difficulties for me, I am very much convinced that I'm gay and what will people thing after coming out that now I am in love with a woman? That is my real fear. I feel I am truly attracted and in love with her and that will make everything I am a complete lie. I hate that I am having these feelings.

I feel if I get involved with my daughter's life I will end up being unable to resist wanting my relationship with the mother to go deeper. Added to that I do not believe I would make a good father due to my sexuality.

I am just extremely confused and messed up at the moment. Illegitimate was the wrong term to use but I'm struggling to identify what is going on.

Firstly who cares what anyone else thinks? You fancy who you fancy.

Secondly, most people will probably just shrug their shoulders and say "well, fair enough so, hope it works out for him/them" etc.

Anyone who gives you grief over your choices, sexuality-wise, is hardly worth your time.

Anyhow, all that is in the future, your here and now is deciding what's best for the kid, which ultimately the most important thing here.

Ms. Newbie18

Hi OP,

First things first. Don't ever call a child illegitimate. Regardless of how it's conceived or your sexual orientation.

Secondly, you sound like you're in a form of shock, but I'm afraid it's time to grow up.

This is about more than you. An unplanned pregnancy at 22 is not ideal for anyone. My guess would be that if you have told all your family/friends you gay you may be worried how they react to the news?

You can be sexaully fluid/bi or pan sexual, no one will judge you for it. If your family and freinds loved and accepted you when you came out - the same will hold true for this chapter in your life.

You don't not need to and should not base your entire identity on your sexual orientation. Is that a part of you, yes obviously. But is not all of you.

Whether you are in love with this girl or love her in the platonic sense..you owe it to her to take responsibility for your actions.

There are some great lqbtq charities out there that provide therapy; Google them and call one. Then organise a paternity test just to be on the safe side.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, going on the assumption that this is genuine, I honestly think that you have many issues that are so deep rooted, they are beyond the scope of what this forum is for. If genuine you have a lot to unravel and given that there are timelines involved here and the gravity of the implications a decision may have on three peoples futures, rather than continuing to post here, you should seek the help of a professional counsellor who can help you work through your issues.

With that in mind I'm going to close this thread here and wish you all the best.

Thanks

HS