Husband is no help with baby

bones123

As the title says, my husband is no help with our baby. Our much longed for baby is nearly a year and is the absolute light of our lives. He adores playing with her but does absolutely nothing to help out. He works very long hours, self employed in agriculture so is mostly gone at 8am and not home till 11pm. He does come home for his dinner in the middle of the day which I make everyday. There are no weekends off except the very odd Sunday and he may finish at 10pm on a Sat night. The odd day he will call for half an hour at another point in the day. I also work but as I am pregnant again I am out on high risk leave. I was looking forward to going back to work for a break to be honest. I'm worn out, I have no free time to so much as go for a walk by myself. I did ask him to take her one evening a week so I could meet friends to do an activity, he did this but refused to stay at home so she could sleep in her cot, instead drove her around with him doing jobs and i then had to drive to collect her from him, meaning on those nights her sleep was terrible so i decided it wasnt worth it to keep going to the activity.
He himself grew up in a family where his mom was very much the doer for everyone. I feel like a single mother, without the potential financial implications of that. I am at my wits end. I was worried that he would be no help while I was pregnant with our first baby and he swore blind he would be great. That hasn't happened. I also believe he suffered from pnd when she was born, he took no time off work, I had had an emergency section, so I found it very tough. He also slept in the spare room until she was 4.5 months old as she was a terrible sleeper. He does love her but has no idea what's involved in actually caring for her. I've tried the nagging, have been upset, have begged him to change, but work is genuinely his life. He actually asked me what would he do if he took time off. I take care of all the housework, including cutting the grass, diy, painting etc while our baby sleeps. It's draining and I'm dreading to think how I'll cope with 2. Any advice on how to convince a husband to help?

Tzardine

Apologies in advance, because I am probably going to sound like a dick, but I don't mean to.

But if he is working 15 hour days, and you are not working (outside the home), I think you have to expect that he is not going to be able to do much.

I think you are being unreasonable based on how you describe his work routine.

banie01

He is by your 8am - 11pm reckoning, working 15hrs a day.
He is perhaps focused to tightly on providing for you both?
But if those are the hours he needs to work to keep afloat?
He clearly needs to reassess hi approach to farm management, but until such time as he does?

What time does he have to actually spend with baby?

The Mighty Quinn

I don't know what to say other than I feel for your situation. We've a newborn and a 16 month old. It's tough going and I really wish you the best.

In essence you are a single mother really if he turns up for his dinner, his sleep and off again to do what he wants to do. You'll be told you knew what you were walking in to if he works in agriculture, and maybe you did but being told or thinking what it's going to be like is a lot easier than living what it's like with small children.

JPup

If he is really working as much as you describe it sounds like he might be a workaholic. Does he never take any time off?

If it is an addiction, then they can be hard to break. You need the addict to admit it and want to change.

In the short term, is there anyone else around who can help you? Family or friends?

Otherwise you should look into a child minding service. You badly need a break for your sake and your babies!

iamwhoiam

At what time do you expect him to look after the baby ? He is gone from 8-11 so has barely time to sleep and eat

Maybe sitting down and talking about help on the farm or time management would help you both understand how his hours are simply too long to have any family life

Have you anyone who could take the baby for a few hours for you ?

The Mighty Quinn

iamwhoiam wrote: »

At what time do you expect him to look after the baby ? He is gone from 8-11 so has barely time to sleep and eat

I'd still be questioning those hours. I know many working farms and yes the days can be long, but 15 hour days every day is not the norm..

YellowLead

It sounds like you are going through a really tough time. Have you any support outside of your husband - family or friends- nearby?

With you doing all of the housework is this how it was before baby was born - ie. you both worked but you carried the full load of the housework? If so, did you discuss that this might need to change or did you just assume it would?

To be fair to your husband it sounds like he works every hour he is awake. Having grown up on a farm myself I know that this is a reality with agricultural work. So it’s not like he is out having fun while you toil. Doesn’t make it any easier for you though, I know. I do think you are being a bit unreasonable regarding him taking the baby out and about - that is what happened with us growing up on the farm and it didn’t do us any harm. We all parent in our own way and he is entitled to his view on what is appropriate too. Though if you have any child safety concerns then of course that doesn’t apply.

Is there any way you could afford a bit of help once your second baby is born and you go back to work - a nanny that could do some housework too?

Hannibal_Smith

Can you get help? Do you have any family close by that you could ask for help to maybe take the baby for a couple of hours? What was the childcare set up when you went back to work initially? If you're out of work with a high risk pregnancy and a husband working such long hours and no family around you, I would look at availing of some sort of childcare even for a couple of mornings a week.

There's not much your husband can do if he's working such long hours. Equally I completely understand you need a break. Talk to your him about the different options you can explore so that you get that break.

FromADistance

Let's say you do convince him to help. What's the financial reality of that? Have you a handle of how the farm is performing? Because that's what it will come down to. We all know farming is a tough game and putting in less hours will ultimately affect the performance of the farming enterprise. I doubt he is putting in 15 hour days for the fun of it but any conversation has to take account of this reality.

bones123

The Mighty Quinn wrote: »

I'd still be questioning those hours. I know many working farms and yes the days can be long, but 15 hour days every day is not the norm..

I should have been clearer about his job, he does have a small farm which he describes as his hobby, but he works in an agri role that involves on call a few nights a week, this can be busier at certain times of the year. I should also have specified that I am on full pay so even though he earns more than me, I bring in a decent wage myself. The on call I can deal with, it's the hobby farm and the endless paperwork that has him away for such long hours, he employs staff and could delegate more hands on work to have time for paperwork but this hasn't happened though it has been promised. I also assist with paperwork where I can, eg invoicing, Vat returns etc. have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

osarusan

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

Hannibal_Smith

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

You need a break. He's working all day. Only choice is child care or family. You need to talk to him about the options open to you both. All options. You get a say too.

Sono

He doesn’t want childcare but is not around to help you? If I were you I would tell him the baby is going into childcare cos you can’t deal with everything by yourself. He should not be calling the shots here, you need to do what’s best for you, your baby and your unborn.

Best of luck.

iamwhoiam

He is too proud to have childcare yet is not there for his baby himself ? This needs addressing and a long talk about his family and what you are feeling . A baby should not be carted around at 11 pm at night so he can work , that’s no life for a small baby
A baby needs to be tucked up in his cot in the evening and not in a car seat

Augme

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

I could empathize with him until this part. Doesn't want someone morning his baby but isn't willing to do it himself? Give me a break ffs. His attitude to childcare is ridiculous.

simonw

What were his hours like before the baby arrived? You must have hardly seen him as it was?

fits

A friend of mines husband is a vet and has hours like this too. It’s so tough. Definitely get help with something. I think I’d go mad doing everything with no help.

bones123

simonw wrote: »

What were his hours like before the baby arrived? You must have hardly seen him as it was?

His business has expanded quite quickly and the farm only came about after we were married, I didn't realise when he was buying the farm that any spare time he had would be put into it.

bones123

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

He is, paperwork is what keeps him out till all hours and the software needed is only in the business office, we don't have the internet coverage to install it at home. In fairness he did try to get it up and running at home so he would at least be in the house but it doesn't work.

bones123

iamwhoiam wrote: »

He is too proud to have childcare yet is not there for his baby himself ? This needs addressing and a long talk about his family and what you are feeling . A baby should not be carted around at 11 pm at night so he can work , that’s no life for a small baby
A baby needs to be tucked up in his cot in the evening and not in a car seat

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

YellowLead

It sounds as like the only reasonable option here is some sort of childcare arrangement rather than asking him to pitch in more.

Have you explained how tired you are and that this isn’t good for your pregnancy or you or your existing baby? His view that a stranger shouldn’t be looking after his child is very old fashioned - what does he expect will happen when you go back to work? Have you had this conversation at all? Or does he expect you to give up your job?

iamwhoiam

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

O my god . I am shocked that any father would do this with his own baby .
I think you need to write all this down and have a good long chat about his priorities

Smee_Again

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

You’ve got bigger problems than just the childcare.

jay1988

bones123 wrote: »

I agree, I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

Surely this wasn't actually discussed as a serious option?

jlm29

I could have written a lot of parts of your post, my husband works awfully long hours too, and I’m home alone with the kids a good bit.
I’m struggling to understand who would be minding your child if you were at work? Would your husband be too proud to have childcare if you were in work?
I have found the best solutions for my mental health, and for the sake of my marriage to be a) regular childcare even when on mat leave (not daily, but at least 1-2 days) b) a cleaner every week for a couple of hours c) the odd day when back at work to take a days holidays and ship the kids off to the minder so I can catch up on life and d) taking a couple of baskets of washing to the launderette every couple of weeks in winter to keep on top of that. Your husband doesn’t have the right to be too proud to ask for help if he hasn’t got time to do his share. It’s as simple as that IMO. And if those things are too expensive to pay for when he’s working those kind of hours, then he’s wasting his time at work and something has to give.
Also, if family offer help. Take it.
Finally, I will say, its a hard couple of years but when your kids get older it’s definitely easier and it’s nice for them to be able to be involved on the farm.

Idle Passerby

He tied the car seat into a tractor and drove around with a child in that til all hours at night?! That's absolutely insane. Not a chance in hell would I take this person's opinions on childcare into account.

You need help OP, he clearly can't be bothered. It doesn't sound like you are struggling financially and he only bought the farm as a hobby after you married. He's not interested in having a family I'm afraid. I wouldn't be surprised if the hobby farm is an escape from you and the baby. Get help, his opinion on it doesn't matter since he's not prepared to help himself.

lisasimpson

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

100% agree with this grew up on a farm and its still.in the family. Absolutely no need for those hours. Fair enough for a few months during calving season or the few days when silage is going on but not 12 months for the year. Forget about family life its not right for his own health and safety thats how serious farm accidents happen. He needs to sit down and have a serious think of what he is doing. Also plenty od students in rural ireland would be gald of some cash for a few hours work. Or get in the farm relief for a few hours or the odd day here and there so he can spend quality time with you and the family. Farm is not the place for young kids like that either.

Ann84

bones123 wrote: »

he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Sorry but this is too much - he sounds like a total control freak.
Refuses to mind his kids and then thinks he has a say on who does? Nope - just nope. Put the kids in crèche for a few hours a day/ week and get yourself some personal time.
Also - he is absolutely responsible for helping around the house - if he doesn’t want to do that, he can pay for a cleaner to come in.
Being a mother doesn’t mean you are a full time slave either.

The Mighty Quinn

Idle Passerby wrote: »

I wouldn't be surprised if the hobby farm is an escape from you and the baby

Sounding a little like that isn't it.
We all have interests. This hobby shouldn't be keeping him from his young family. They'll never know their father if he's never around. When does it stop?

Does he see you taking up all hours of the day and night with any of your hobbies? No.

The_Honeybadger

My sister in law is in the same situation. I grew up on a busy farm and ran a mile from it as soon as I could. My brother inherited it, loves the life, but he has kids with my sister in law that he never sees, hardly knows them, it’s completely ridiculous in this day and age and I can see my sister in law is worn out from it. She does absolutely everything, all the school runs, all the lunches, activities etc. She has lost touch with any friends she had, has gained weight, is continually complaining that she never sees him and just looks so miserable.

That said, 8-11 is utterly crazy and not sustainable. I seriously doubt it’s that way year round? In the spring and summer it can be, but there are down times as well on most farms.

I don’t really have any advice for you OP except to sit your husband down, make it very clear how exhausted and unhappy you are and that something has to change. If he can’t do that then know that things are going to get worse, not better. I dont know how far you are willing to go but don’t make ultimatums unless you intend to follow through on them.

Edit: was responding to the original post above and am only now seeing the additional posts about the hobby farm, being too proud to pay a childminder and attaching the child seat to the tractor with ropes. That is completely bonkers and sounds downright dangerous.

The hobby farm has to go, lease it, sell it, whatever. He doesn’t have the time, end of. Get a childminder or au pair to take the pressure off you, and get a cleaner in for an afternoon. If he doesn’t like it let him do it himself.

osarusan

Keep a diary of the next week - what time he leaves, gets home, comes home in the middle of the day, and so on. Sit down with him on a Sunday and show it to him, just how little you spend together as a family, the two of you as a couple, and him as a father to his child.

The first thing is to get him to acknowledge that he just needs to be around more. What's happening now is not sustainable.

Did you go back to work after the child was born, and if so, what happened then regarding childcare? After the birth of your second child, are there any plans for when you go back to work?

punisher5112

Was he like that op before the baby?
Some just keep on going and going and going....
Honestly I believe it's a better trait then to have the so many low life's and spongers sitting around doing nothing while the rest of us pay their way through life such as a lovely home for them and their kids.....

If it's getting to you that you would like a break could you get someone in, opair wrong spelling or such to help out.

If he is doing them hours he will be doing quite well insure and sounds like a true workaholic farmer.

OP, sorry to hear the situation is as it is. The hobby farm has to go, it’s as simple as that. There aren’t enough hours in the day for what he needs to attend to and it’s clearly what’s put him and you in turn where ye are. His pride is not pride, it’s foolishness. Call it what it is. Even without the children, this is daft stuff and there’s no other way to approach it. A good business that’s taken off for him with employees to manage and protect, a patient and supportive wife to love, a young and soon expanding family to be around for.. What the hell is he going to give up there just to let a daft notion of a hobby farm take a place in the priorities list? The farm has to go. Plain and simple.

Can’t understand the notion of a hobby farm. It’s not a hobby. It can’t be. No way a man with the responsibilities he has as listed above can waste any time on a selfish pursuit like it. He’s not alone in that, the whole hobby farm thing is a ridiculous idea for any man to be wasting time at. Leave it for the full-timers with the resources to spend on it, as a number 1 priority and business endeavour. Anyone else playing at it is a fool, a grade A eejit.

The farm has to go. Accept no excuses. Let his pride pay the price. You, his children, his employees, his customers. That’s the pecking order. When he puts 15 hours a day into that, then he can decide if he wants to have a hobby of some sort. Tell him to get this stuff straight in his head or you’ll do it for him by leaving, if that’s what it takes. No more playtime for him. He bloody well knows better.

Stop the farming, rent the land or sell it outright. Residual debt? Suck it up. Refinance that and the pair of ye work it off over the years. It’ll be easier when ye help each other, sleep properly, raise your kids the way they deserve and when he puts his focus on all of that and his business instead of his selfishness, his foolishness and his downright nonsese, AKA his hobby farm.

Tell him to stop being an arse and start being a good husband, father and businessman. Tell him he has your support to do what’s needed to correct course. Tell him you’ll hold him to it, but that he’ll have your absolute respect and admiration for doing the right thing now. Things have changed, so now he needs to change this for the better. Tell him his kids and wife will thank him for it and that he’ll thank himself too when the work to sort out this poxy mess is done too.

The farm goes. No if, ands, buts.

Tzardine

JayZeus wrote: »

OP, sorry to hear the situation is as it is. The hobby farm has to go, it’s as simple as that. There aren’t enough hours in the day for what he needs to attend to and it’s clearly what’s put him and you in turn where ye are. His pride is not pride, it’s foolishness. Call it what it is. Even without the children, this is daft stuff and there’s no other way to approach it. A good business that’s taken off for him with employees to manage and protect, a patient and supportive wife to love, a young and soon expanding family to be around for.. What the hell is he going to give up there just to let a daft notion of a hobby farm take a place in the priorities list? The farm has to go. Plain and simple.

Can’t understand the notion of a hobby farm. It’s not a hobby. It can’t be. No way a man with the responsibilities he has as listed above can waste any time on a selfish pursuit like it. He’s not alone in that, the whole hobby farm thing is a ridiculous idea for any man to be wasting time at. Leave it for the full-timers with the resources to spend on it, as a number 1 priority and business endeavour. Anyone else playing at it is a fool, a grade A eejit.

The farm has to go. Accept no excuses. Let his pride pay the price. You, his children, his employees, his customers. That’s the pecking order. When he puts 15 hours a day into that, then he can decide if he wants to have a hobby of some sort. Tell him to get this stuff straight in his head or you’ll do it for him by leaving, if that’s what it takes. No more playtime for him. He bloody well knows better.

Stop the farming, rent the land or sell it outright. Residual debt? Suck it up. Refinance that and the pair of ye work it off over the years. It’ll be easier when ye help each other, sleep properly, raise your kids the way they deserve and when he puts his focus on all of that and his business instead of his selfishness, his foolishness and his downright nonsese, AKA his hobby farm.

Tell him to stop being an arse and start being a good husband, father and businessman. Tell him he has your support to do what’s needed to correct course. Tell him you’ll hold him to it, but that he’ll have your absolute respect and admiration for doing the right thing now. Things have changed, so now he needs to change this for the better. Tell him his kids and wife will thank him for it and that he’ll thank himself too when the work to sort out this poxy mess is done too.

The farm goes. No if, ands, buts.

I would be careful about this approach, you could find that it would end the relationship. From what the OP has said I imagine he would not react well to it.

Don't give an ultimatum unless you intend to follow through.

HildaOgdenx

bones123 wrote: »

...have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Does he have any inkling of how you feel, and how his behaviour comes across, from your perspective? He doesn't have much to be proud of, the way he is treating you and the baby, imo.

Tzardine

Tzardine wrote: »

I would be careful about this approach, you could find that it would end the relationship. From what the OP has said I imagine he would not react well to it.

That’s all well and good, but, what relationship? He’s home for 9 hours a night and has his dinner handed to him. Sure what sort of relationship can it be for a wife, let alone for a child and their father, with barely a waking hour to spend together.

The man needs to be one. A husband and a father, an entrepreneur with employees and customers. He may not like being told it but that’s how this stacks up. If he won’t do what he must do to serve his relationships in that order foremost, sure the relationship is as good as ended as it is. Harsh and all as that may seem, I’d think he’s intelligent and clever enough to realise that’s what’s at stake here. Ignoring that just leaves the OP in limbo and won’t help her or her youngsters one bit.

If he’s half the man I reckon he is (which is hardworking and decent, OP), he just needs to realise that enough is enough and the farm is more than that. He has to get rid of it or there’s SFA to be working for.

Ann84

bones123 wrote: »

he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

Sorry but this is too much - he sounds like a total control freak.
Refuses to mind his kids and then thinks he has a say on who does? Nope - just nope. Put the kids in crèche for a few hours a day/ week and get yourself some personal time.
Also - he is absolutely responsible for helping around the house - if he doesn’t want to do that, he can pay for a cleaner to come in.
Being a mother doesn’t mean you are a full time slave either.

afkasurfjunkie

Eh, who does he think is going to mind the baby when you go to hospital to have the second one?

appledrop

God almighty OP, I don't know where to start.

So upset for you that your husband is treating his family like this.

You have said you have tried to talk to him but making no difference so I think its time to stop talking and show him you mean business and are not going to take this crap anymore.

You need to stop thinking about what he does and doesn't want and actually start thinking about what you need because he certainly isn't considering you.

First up is childcare. This could be a local childminder for just a few hours but will give you space for yourself.

Next up is a very frank discussion about his job. I'm not from farming background so haven't a clue about ins and out but something has to be given up. He can't continue with these hours/ all these different jobs. Your not a stay at home slave. Minding a child when pregnant is hard work. We are not living in 1950s.

Thirdly under no circumstances give up your job after you next maternity leave no matter what he says.

If things don't improve unfortunately this relationship may not last and you need your own financial independence.

I think you need to decide for yourself what are you going to do if nothing changes? Are you going to just put up with that? That's your decision but you need to be clear what your breaking point is and what that means for your relationship.

Girl Geraldine

From what you describe, I would say it is probably a very traditional mindset that he has, especially if he is from a rural farming background himself. That mindset being that the man goes out and works every hour god sends to put the money on the table and the woman does all the household and children stuff. It is probably the way his parents and grandparents before him were and it would be hard wired into his brain.

If you succeeded in convincing him to stay home a few more hours or spend "quality time" as you see it, in his mind it is probably just another job to have to schedule into the day and he'd be counting down the minutes until he could go back out at the farming. And in typical fashion he'd be telling them down at the mart that his wife is making him do x,y,z. Just look at his reaction when you got him to do things with the child - he said he didn't know what the hell he was supposed to be doing, the whole thing of minding a child as alien to him. To the point that he cable tied the child into the tractor. ffs you couldn't make it up. Did he even feed or change to poor child during that time? Poor child was probably exhausted and traumatised after it.

Honestly, I've seen this before. Fellas like this are very set in their values, beliefs and ways. Caveman mentality. There is no changing them. A lot of them won't even talk about it because they don't talk about things like that. If you push them too hard they could end up getting angry or going on the drink.
I would guess that if it came to making a choice between the land and the wife he would choose the land, because what would the neighbours think if you sold the land. You'd be the talk of the mart for years.

It sounds crazy - but with dyed in the wool rural farming traditionalists, that is just the reality a lot of the time.

So I don't know what advice to give you. I doubt there's much scope for any voluntary change. Honestly, I'd say it could well come down to a case of either take it and accept it, or leave it and move on from the relationship. But of course he wouldn't want that either because of what would the neighbours think of a broken home and he'd have no-one at home to boil his spuds or wash his clothes.

Do you mind me asking what age is this man?

Eh, who does he think is going to mind the baby when you go to hospital to have the second one?

Not him anyway because if I have the vibe right he will be working while she is in the hospital having the baby.

appledrop

Maybe if he is so obsessed with the farm maybe spell it out to him that if things don't change that will mean the end of relationship which will mean the dividing up of assets including the land!

Maybe he will care then!

SmallgirlBigcity

Sorry to hear about your situation OP. It doesn't sound normal to me at all. It's not normal to live like that. You need support. I would definitely put your foot down about the childcare situation,especially with another one on the way. Please have the conversation with him and put your needs first. You need to mind yourself so you are healthy and in a good place to mind the children. This might have been the way a farmers wife lived back in the 50's but things have changed! There are supports there for a reason.

On a side note. I'm absolutely horrified with your comment about the car seat and the tractor. To be honest, if my child's father did this, I would leave him immediately and I wouldn't leave the child with him again. The fact that he did this shows his absolute lack of understanding of the basic safety needs of a child. Sorry, don't mean to be harsh. But my god that's frightening. Best of luck to you anyway. I hope you the help you need and deserve.

listermint

There's no chance this chancer is working these hours .not a hope in this day and age with machinery available.

He's jaunting off probably pissing about in the sheds. Chatting with the neighbours, doing anything he can do to get off house work and generally doing his part for the home.

He knows what he is at frankly and taking you and the family for a ride. There's no positive to come out from this continuing as it will ruin your relationship and his with the children. There's a serious reckoning needed here and it may involve serious ultimatims .

Sonic the Shaghog

OP it's very hard to judge without knowing his full-time gig, is he a vet, a contractor who rents out off sort of machinery or does he drive a track machine etc?

Had he a any land beforehand or did he just randomly buy this farm?

Antares35

bones123 wrote: »

I should have been clearer about his job, he does have a small farm which he describes as his hobby, but he works in an agri role that involves on call a few nights a week, this can be busier at certain times of the year. I should also have specified that I am on full pay so even though he earns more than me, I bring in a decent wage myself. The on call I can deal with, it's the hobby farm and the endless paperwork that has him away for such long hours, he employs staff and could delegate more hands on work to have time for paperwork but this hasn't happened though it has been promised. I also assist with paperwork where I can, eg invoicing, Vat returns etc. have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

It seems unreasonable that he isn't around (whether by choice or necessity is a separate matter) to mind the baby, but also feels he can dictate that nobody else can mind the baby. It's all well and good being proud when he isn't there 15 hours a day.

topmanamillion

osarusan wrote: »

I know in the summer some farmers/agricultural contractors can be incredibly busy with turf, silage and the likes, and as a self-employed person, any job turned down hits you directly in the pocket.

But in winter, when it's dark from 5pm, what is he actually doing until 11? If he's actually working all those hours, it's a terrible situation. Is he?

Is he hell. He has a clearly defined role for himself and the missus by the looks of it and that's heavily based on what he saw growing up ie his own mother being the "doer" as the OP put it or in other words the skivy as the OP is finding out.

Not a whole lot has changed in his life since the birth of his child. He's still pursuing his interests with very little interference from his home life.
The complete opposite of what has happened to the OP.

OP of course you should discuss this with your husband and see if things change. Your attempts in the past have failed and its unlikely there will be change only empty promises. The child minder stuff just shows how far off base he is.

Big Bag of Chips

bones123 wrote: »

have considered childcare to help but he is also very proud and doesn't want someone else minding our baby.

bones123 wrote: »

I also hated the idea of the car seat being tied onto the tractor seat with ties. I didn't feel it was safe, so I stopped my activity to prevent this.

He is absolutely 100% taking the piss. Doesn't want anyone else minding the baby. Makes sure you will not be able to go out, even once a week for a break for yourself. A tractor is not a smooth ride! I cannot believe he put a small baby into one past bedtime to drive around shaking the sht out of child.

He wants the little woman in her place, at home, handing his dinner up to him and providing an heir for his hobby.

He either pays someone to help him so he's home (and helping) at a reasonable time. Or he pays someone to come into the house and help you do the stuff that he's not doing.

I think a very stern chat is needed here. Think about what you want. Think about realistically what you think you can achieve together and think what alternatives need to be put in place if he refuses to step up.

He sounds like a very controlling man, and it sounds like you might be discouraged from going back to work after baby 2.

Who minded the baby while you went back to work before this leave?

Dtp1979

listermint wrote: »

There's no chance this chancer is working these hours .not a hope in this day and age with machinery available.

He's jaunting off probably pissing about in the sheds. Chatting with the neighbours, doing anything he can do to get off house work and generally doing his part for the home.

He knows what he is at frankly and taking you and the family for a ride. There's no positive to come out from this continuing as it will ruin your relationship and his with the children. There's a serious reckoning needed here and it may involve serious ultimatims .

Absolutely agree with this.

He’s even invent little jobs to keep himself busy I’d say. There was never a truer saying “work to live, don’t live to work”

I'm surprised he has time to play with your daughter and make a second

Jequ0n

Why did you decide to have a second child if he showed no interest in the first one?
Sounds like a pattern here: he wants something and you give in in the end, no matter what it is about. He has no incentive to want to change this until you stop playing along.