Husband stopped initiating

fits

There is very little space to initiate if your partner is doing it constantly though. That’s the other thing. Trying 3 days a week is quite a lot in a long term relationship. Sounds like the libidos are very mismatched here.

SouthWesterly

Op, you asked how you can fix it.
Firstly you need to apologise to him for how you treated him.

Secondly, listen to him.

Is it fixable? I don't know. It depends on what the 2 of you want after steps 1 and 2.

YellowLead

OP were your libidos always miss matched and therefore you both knew what you were letting yourselves in for? Or did yours decline over time? When incompatibilities like this occur usually couples either break up or agree to meet in the middle. Or one suffers on in silence due to there being kids involved.

How has the marriage been outside of the sexual incompatibility issue? It kind of sounds like you were having sex with your husband once or twice a month out of a sense of duty rather than desiring him - this likely had a huge negative impact on him.
It could be the case, harsh as it sounds, that’s he is simply not attracted to you anymore, or perhaps his own libido is failing, or he is getting his kicks via other means.

MoonUnit75

Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.

osarusan

MoonUnit75 wrote: »

Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.

Jesus what a terrible analogy.

Dog day

Pawwed Rig wrote: »

That is a fairly dishonest take on what I posted. If you want to post honestly I will engage with you. Otherwise not.

Couldn’t agree more Pawwed Rig. To mention ‘consent’ in this context is extremely salacious & is indeed misrepresenting your point. Unfortunately there are some posters here seemingly intent on doing so which is of no value to the OP.

MoonUnit75

osarusan wrote: »

Jesus what a terrible analogy.

Sorry you feel that way. I thought swapping out an animal for a male might open the eyes of people who can’t seem to understand that this situation is a pattern of rejection and neglect that has likely caused serious distress to a real person over a long period of time.

Dog day

Wanderer78 wrote: »

Jesus, you really are one of those seriously fcuked up folks on the Internets, I'm not even sure professionals could help you with your issues!

Wanderer, you seem to be seeing callousness in some posts that to my mind simply isn’t there. In one of your other posts you’ve over simplified the issue in the extreme. I do however agree that the post regarding weight gain is a low blow & entirely unnecessary.

Compassionate advice sometimes involves telling hard truths. It is of no benefit to the OP to underplay the negative effects that years of rejection have likely had on her husband. Equally I’ve said it already that the OP needs to really analyse why she suddenly wants to now address this as have other measured posters who are taking time out to actively try to help the OP. Soft soaping this is actually not helping the OP at all.

fits

MoonUnit75 wrote: »

Imagine if you posted on the pet forum that you adopted a springer spaniel but was only interested in walking together maybe once or twice a month at most. I’m sure there wouldn’t be a queue of posters saying ‘damn right, just because you adopted an animal that needs regular exercise doesn’t mean it deserves more than whatever little suits you’.

I’m sorry but this is hilarious. A husband is not equivalent to a puppy and well able to take himself for a walk should he need one.

randomname2005

notAMember wrote: »

Sounds like she hardly got the chance though, if he was pestering her as much as she says. She clearly has a sex drive, wants intimacy.

It’s the usual relationship issue tbh. Communication.

I agree about communication, massive issue in this and many many relationship situations.
However, the op says that once or twice a month was 'more than enough for them'. I'm not sure I would say they clearly had a sex drive and wanting to initiate once now doesn't mean they have one now either.

Something else to consider is that the op might be over estimating how often they did consent and the frequency of intimacy. Having spent some time in Reddit dead bedrooms a common occurrence is an underestimate of the time between sex that low libido partners have. And the definition of a sexless marriage sometimes includes marriages and relationships where it happens less than once a month or ten times per year (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sexless_marriage https://www.google.com/amp/s/www.considerable.com/life/checklist-life/sexless-marriages-advice-therapist/amp/ and I haven't thoroughly researched the links in these articles). The relationship described in the op could well fall into this classification if the op is even slightly over estimating the frequency.

I vehemently stand behind anyone in a relationship who does not want to have sex every time their partner does . However, I also agree with many posters here who have little sympathy for the op who is upset because she was rejected once. Being rejected constantly is heart breaking, and then to go through the roller coaster of emotions when your partner initiates once hoping that a more frequent sex life is possible but for it to return to the way it was before, and the humiliation and feelings of worthlessness and destruction of self esteem that come along with it are devastating.

Communication is essential here. Op you need to really look at yourself, see what has changed so that you wanted to initiate, look at your whole relationship and see if sex was more regular at the start and see why it declined, was this a one off itch to be scratched or do you feel you have , I don't want to use the word changed, but I can't think of a better word, and feel like more frequent intimacy is something you want. Hormones change, people change, maybe something in life changed without notice and you are in a place now where you want more sex and intimacy. You need to have an honest and open discussion with your partner and be prepared for both of you to feel hurt, and for anger and other strong emotions to come out.

But don't mess with emotions, you know what it feels like to be rejected once, imagine how he has felt being rejected over 900 times (2 times per week for 50 weeks a year for 9 years). If you don't think that you want intimacy on a regular basis don't even hint at that possibility.

If you initiated it the times you had sex, the relationship has a chance through communication and compromise. If he initiated it all the time, you'd be best telling him he can use escorts or whatever, or just end it.

Wanderer78

Dog day wrote: »

Wanderer, you seem to be seeing callousness in some posts that to my mind simply isn’t there. In one of your other posts you’ve over simplified the issue in the extreme. I do however agree that the post regarding weight gain is a low blow & entirely unnecessary.

Compassionate advice sometimes involves telling hard truths. It is of no benefit to the OP to underplay the negative effects that years of rejection have likely had on her husband. Equally I’ve said it already that the OP needs to really analyse why she suddenly wants to now address this as have other measured posters who are taking time out to actively try to help the OP. Soft soaping this is actually not helping the OP at all.

oh bullsh1t, coming on the internets and upsetting people even further is not actually helping them, their self esteem is probably already on the ground, the last thing they need is strangers on the internets knocking them further, these situations a lot of the time require professional assistance, not us know it alls on the internets, the op is clearly very upset about this situation, as im sure their partner is to

Wanderer78

Dav010 wrote: »

The op asked for opinions though.

true, but the op is probably not in a great space emotionally, so we should be conscious of this, and sensitive to their needs, its very easy to self blame and in effect self harm in such situations, including emotionally self harming, and opening oneself to harsh comments on the internets could very well be a method of doing so, even subconsciously

Wanderer78

Wanderer78 wrote: »

true, but the op is probably not in a great space emotionally, so we should be conscious of this, and sensitive to their needs, its very easy to self blame and in effect self harm in such situations, including emotionally self harming, and opening oneself to harsh comments on the internets could very well be a method of doing so, even subconsciously

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the op. When you post on the inter web about personal problems, I don’t think you can expect all posts to be sympathetic to your viewpoint.

Just my view, I wouldn’t assume to know anything about the op or why she rejected her husband repeatedly for 10 years, but I do think there is a level of hypocrisy to be upset because he rejected her once.

Wanderer78

Dav010 wrote: »

You seem to be making a lot of assumptions about the op. When you post on the inter web about personal problems, I don’t think you can expect all posts to be sympathetic to your viewpoint.

i am of course, but one could assume, from such a long term relationship, and with such a long term problem, theres more than likely far more complex issues at play here, we simply dont know, we re all judging, all assuming, and we should not be. the potential for much more complex issues at a play are high in this situation, we simply dont know, but we all should be more sensitive in making comments, including myself

Augme

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

Wanderer78

Augme wrote: »

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

...or maybe try obtain professional guidance, to try save the relationship....

fits

Augme wrote: »

OP sounds like you two just aren't compatible anyway so maybe this is a great opportunity for both of you to go your separate ways amicably.

That’s a bit of an overreaction isn’t it? They’re married ten years. Together longer perhaps? Wouldn’t be throwing it away just yet.

OP until you can get to the bottom of why you weren't interested for as long as you were then there's not much anyone here can help you with.

As others have said, it's not that there's an obligation on you to perform whenever the person with the higher libido wishes, but in a relationship between two people the issue should have come up for honest discussion long before now and some fair level of consideration for his feelings really has to have been a higher priority for you.

You haven't given much detail about whether you dislike or dont enjoy sex, and not much about the relationship besides.

Based on those things there's every chance this can be worked out for you both starting from now but you really have to think about what you are offering and what you are going to do to prevent a reversion to your previous norms, and as others have said you really need to prepare for an outpouring from him that has the potential to really hit hard for both of you, its a long time to have put him at the bottom of your priorities so consistently and if you take the responses you've received as indicative you maybe now are seeing that.

The first response is the best, still. Start talking and tell him where you are at, once you know yourself. Good luck

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

Folks, there has already been an on thread mod instruction to offer advice to the OP. This is the second and final one. Offer advice to the OP as per the Charter.

Any further breaches of the Charter or ignoring mod instruction will be carded going forward.

Thanks

HS

HGVRHKYY

Wanderer78 wrote: »

oh bullsh1t, coming on the internets and upsetting people even further is not actually helping them, their self esteem is probably already on the ground, the last thing they need is strangers on the internets knocking them further, these situations a lot of the time require professional assistance, not us know it alls on the internets, the op is clearly very upset about this situation, as im sure their partner is to

So cringey how you seem to constantly be using 'internets' seriously and not ironically, it's just internet

TheadoreT

It seems to me if you want to actually save this marriage and not just regain the power dynamic the solution is fairly simple.

Keep on initiating. It's probably all he wants, he may reject you a few more times but I'd highly doubt if you're persistent or persuasive about it his stance will last too long.
And then if things get back to normal try to maintain a more equal balance and not revert to a role where he doesn't feel desired and you're almost performing a monthly chore to appease him.

But you should probably also ask yourself the difficult questions before all this, such as the reasons for your lack of attraction in him to begin with. And whether you're genuinely fearful of the marriage falling apart or more the fact he's doing it doing it his terms now.

Augme

Wanderer78 wrote: »

...or maybe try obtain professional guidance, to try save the relationship....

Why? In those 10 years they have never been sexually compatible. That's not going to change now. The best you can hope for is that they both comprise and give up one their ideal sexually relationship. That's never going to keep to true happiness in a relationship. I don't why anyway would want to live the rest of their life like that simply because you've already invested 10 years or more either. That's a sunk cost. It shouldn't factor into the decision.

The reality is they should never have stayed together this long in the first place. Better off to accept that now and give both parties a chance to find a relationship that will make both of them truly happy.

LegacyUser

Op, there's not much in your post to explain how you guys have ended up in this sexless relationship nor is there much detail on why you want to save your marriage.

How did you get to this point?

- mismatched sexdrives/never compatible?
- you lost your libido? Did you do anything to fix it? Gp? Well woman clinic?diet?
-stopped finding him/yourself attractive

Did you do anything to address the cause?

Why do you want to save your marriage?

You don't appear to be in love, zero sex, zero intimacy, poor communication. What is there to save?

Secondly, how do you think you are going to fix it? You can't just conjure up a sex drive if you never had one. If it's lost drive, what have you done to fix it?

Are you just going to put in a 6 month effort and shag him senseless and hope it works?

And chance that your kids are no late teens and you realise that soon they will be gone & he might no longer want to stay & you are afraid of being alone?

Sorry for all the questions but my point is what are you trying to save and how? What will change? Can anything change? Do you really want it to? What is your real motivation? This should be your starting point.

rn

Hi op, short answer is yes, been there.

The marriage is definitely savable. Sex is a funny one because it's so important to us. Yet you can go without it if you have to to make life "work".

Marriage is a lot more than no sex = no future = walk away. There's still a future for you together, but it's a new chapter in your relationship.

Mad_maxx

I think more couples out there than people realise are not sexually attracted to each other, does the husband in the story look for it at all these days?

notAMember

randomname2005 wrote: »

I agree about communication, massive issue in this and many many relationship situations.
However, the op says that once or twice a month was 'more than enough for them'. I'm not sure I would say they clearly had a sex drive and wanting to initiate once now doesn't mean they have one now either.

I agree, I don’t think there is enough information to give much advice other than communication.

And that holds for any kind of judgement on whether Wikipedia says 24 or 10 times counts as sexless.

Take the initiation attempts, were they sexy or a turn off? The whole environment and context, energy levels , health , stress, household, jobs, family, everything else perfect? The rest of the marriage, still interested in each other in other ways?

There are a lot of posters jumping to breakups and divorce, but there is such a range of possibilities here, which may even need a professional to help with.

I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm? If she was in a similar situation to you OP, I think she wouldn’t even know how to talk about it to solve the problem.

I’m not saying that is what happened here, as there is zero information on background. But it’s one of a range of possibilities. Unsatisfying or unpleasant sex generally doesn’t make anyone want to repeat it. And even less so if being hassled for it.

Really, OP, you and husband need to talk. And if neither of you are comfortable with it, then seek a professional therapist.

notAMember

notAMember wrote: »

I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm? If she was in a similar situation to you OP, I think she wouldn’t even know how to talk about it to solve the problem.

Where to start.. I guess I'll split this into two scenarios.

Your friend has a great sex life with multiple orgasms or a husband who makes her cum during foreplay and again afterwards etc. She was simply asking when that ends since women can keep going whereas for most men, orgasm is the defacto end for sex. I don't know when lesbians come to an end either. Stop at one? Stop at two? Half an hour?

Your friend doesn't know how to orgasm. Frankly, if a woman doesn't know this, it's unlikely a man is going to make it happen. You can do foreplay, you can have sex for as long as a woman desires, but since most women don't orgasm from penetrative sex, and most have a fairly specific need that the man learns, it's really up to the woman to direct this. Maybe she fakes it and he has no idea.

I think your posts here show you have a problem with men and sex. Me assuming you don't have multiple orgasms and don't enjoy sex apart from the orgasm is as fair as the assumptions you made about your friend's crappy sex life and her husband having sex on his terms.

If OP doesn't enjoy sex, it is up to her to work on that. To teach herself what she likes and then make that happen during sex. It's actually sexist and removes all agency from a woman to say that her enjoyment of sex and ability to orgasm is a man's gift to give.

notAMember

Jeez louise. I'll ignore the slew of personal comments about me, as those are clearly against the charter.

It's actually sexist and removes all agency from a woman to say that her enjoyment of sex and ability to orgasm is a man's gift to give.

Now, talk about getting the completely wrong end of the stick! If you reread my post, I said she needed to figure out how to talk about it, aka solve it herself. Not sure why you think I was suggesting this was a man's fault. The point was about communication, and that we don't know all the ins and outs of someone else's sex life.

I've only made 3 points in this thread, but it seems to be hitting too hard. Apologies for wounding anyone's manhood.

1) Consent continues in marriage. Nobody owes anyone else (either men or women) sex.
2) There are many reasons for a change in sex life, or even an unfulfilling one from the beginning. We don't know the gory details.
3) Communication solves a lot of things.

None of those are in any way controversial.

whomadewho

Missmiss1 wrote: »

Hi,

I know I’m at fault here. After about a decade or so of me rejecting my husbands advances for sex he’s finally stopped initiating. I got what i asked for and I hate it. He would ask me for sex 2-3 times a week, we normally did it 1-2 times a month which was more than enough for me but never enough for him.

Now, after 10 years of that routine he doesn’t even ask anymore. I know I’m at fault, i know years of rejection have hurt him and at this stage it’s probably easier for him not to ask than to be rejected. He even turned me down last time when i initiated. I’m literally watching my marriage fall apart in front of me and i honestly don’t see how i can fix it at this stage. Its all my fault and i feel so bad. Has anyone been here before?

My partner would be the same op, she never initiated from start of our relationship but never refused, but after a couple of years the excuses started. I only asked once a week though and I would get an excuse, I'm not in the mood, I'm tired, the neighbours might hear etc.
I got rejected 6 weeks in row once which I resorted me to beg and the reply I got was "don't beg as it is not attractive when you beg' after that I just stopped initiating altogether, the indignity of resorting me to beg, I will never forget. Only for I was out of work and my house was in negative equity I think I would have just left there and then.
We finally got back on track after a a good few years in the wilderness so it is possible but the resentment still lingers. Sex is the least important part of a relationship until it becomes a problem and then it affects every other aspect of the relationship. My advice would be to have a honest conversation with your partner about the last 10 and get everything out in the open, once the air is cleared there is a good chance that you can work it out.

Neyite

Communication is what you need, and for that, I think you should sit down with a relationship counsellor - either yourself or both of you.

You realise now that he's given up, and you aren't surprised - but there are lots of couples who have lulls or droughts. Work, kids, hormone/health issues all conspire against us. There could be lots of reasons why 1-2 per month was plenty for you, and not enough for him, especially if in the 10 years of marriage there was pregnancy, post natal, babies, toddlers and all that entails - those things can take a hit on women whether we like it or not. Even if there's no kids, things like intimacy, communication, work commitments or wider family commitments outside of the bedroom can all dampen desire.

Firstly, someone earlier asked you - what does your 'fixing' look like? You need to consider this. Do you want it to go back to 1-2 per month or would you feel like you'd like it more frequently? Do you still fancy him like you used to? Is the marriage otherwise good? Or are you just unsettled by him not asking any more and not liking the idea of that? Do you get the feeling he'd be open to reviving your relationship?

A counsellor can help you both tease out these issues. Everyone here will be influenced by their own experiences, and that flavours their advice - including my own. But it's not our relationships that's at stake, it's yours. And given you do want to do what you can to salvage it and hopefully turn it around, I think you should speak to an expert on this.

LegacyUser

I was in your husband's situation for many years. I even posted about it here: https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058042043

and about how we managed to get out of it here:
https://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2058157854&page=2

In my case, the constant rejection & lack of enthusiasm has affected my mental health. I never had any mental health issues before. But I went down a rabbit hole of thinking about how my wife would never want intimacy anymore with me, but yet went to considerable effort to have intimacy with her ex boyfriends when she was with them. Eventually I needed professional help.

I'd advise you to do what many here have already advised-communicate. Listen to how what he has to say. He probably didn't complain much over the years but I guarantee it probably had a bigger effect on him than you would think.

Secondly, if he is willing to try and make things better, put a BIG effort into your sex life. Show him you are interested. Surprise him with lingerie/ something he would like that you haven't done before. Be provocative. We men are easily aroused and if he tried for so long he must be still attracted to you. This is definitely fixable. In my case, we are now having the best sex we ever had.

best of luck OP

notAMember

notAMember wrote: »

J
1) Consent continues in marriage. Nobody owes anyone else (either men or women) sex.

Very true, but I do think you owe your partner respect and affection. If you've spent 10 years being ok with freezing them out of your affection you can't suddenly act surprised when those actions break up the relationship. That's not to say the OP isn't affectionate, maybe they are, we don't know enough to say really.

Anyhow, all the OP can do now is work out where they and their partner are at and that can only be done by sitting down and communicating with each other.

Good luck OP, hope you work out what it is you actually want to achieve here.

LegacyUser

Only speaking from personal experience here, I was in your partners situation several years ago, 10 year relationship with little to no intimacy for the remaining 4 years or so.

The consistent rejection made me feel completely unwanted by my partner at the time, I would constantly be reframing my thoughts as the frequency of rejection increased and any communication on the subject shut down with different excuses. It ultimately ended with her leaving me for someone else. That was almost 4 years ago now and it has still left me a shell of my former self, haven’t dated and/or had any intimacy in my life since.

While I’m not for one second inferring anything on you or your relationship OP, you have to stop for one second and see it from your partners perspective and the potential hurt caused. Rejection of that nature and frequency can do serious long term damage to a persons self esteem, intentional or not.

The only thing you can do now is try and repair that damage through honest and open communication, there is no certainly of outcome either way but it is your only option. I wish you both all the best.

LegacyUser

OP
I was in a similar situation to you. My wife completely ignored me for almost 3 years.... Rejected me constantly.
We were intimate maybe 3 times a year and it absolutely killed me.
She never initiated.
Eventually after a long ordeal and counselling, we sorted our problems out (and there were lots of problems)

That was 3 years ago.
While things improved back then, we're now back to the same situation again....We haven't been intimate for at least 6 months...she simply has no interest....and to be honest, at this stage, neither do I anymore.
I'm convinced our relationship is over. She won't talk about it anymore....it's like shes resorted to thinking...." i sorted this out before, and I'm not going through it again"

We've both got a lot going on in our lives. She has a very stressful job, and I have stuff to deal with which is equally draining.
The only thing keeping me in this "relationship" is our child

At this stage i really couldn't care less if she's having an affair again...


How sad is my life?
Do you want to end up the same way?

My name is [insert name here]
I am sad and unhappy
Don't be like me.
Fix your life....only you have the power to do that

bitofabind

I'm always curious in these situations where 1+1=2, with 2 being the undesirable outcome, why people fail to take action. You said yourself OP, this was an entirely predictable result of consistently rejecting your husband's advances, ignoring his needs and sticking to your own 1-2x a month schedule for years despite his needs not changing. He was going to give up. He was going to stop trying. He was going to lose interest and disengage. Why did it never occur to you to protect your marriage and deal with this before now? Why did his needs not matter until now? Do they even matter now? Are you willing to compromise?

If it was him on this forum, the advice would be to leave now. She'll never change. She doesn't care. Sex isn't important to her. She won't change, and you won't change, so don't suffer in silence. Find someone that's sexually compatible, but more importantly, cares about your needs. We can work through these incompatibilities if both people care enough about each other to acknowledge and meet each other's needs. Compromise is possible, but I'm not sure if that's what you're willing to offer?

Dog day

It’s very touching of so many posters to share their similar experiences with you OP. As I & other posters have already stated, please do take time to think about what you do wish to achieve & why, be honest with yourself, once you have clarity on that you can communicate clearly with your husband as to what the best outcome may be for you both. I genuinely wish you both all the best.

LegacyUser

OP doesn't appear to have posted since the start of the thread, so I'm not sure they're still looking for feedback.

Reading this thread, I can see how other posters are in similar relationships - with perspectives from both sides of the issue. The experiences of these posters colours their attitudes to the topic. Naturally so. There does seem to be a lot of commonality between those being rejected, and separately, significant commonality among those doing the rejecting.

OP (If you're still following this thread), this thread now contains accounts from others in similar positions as your husband. Some who appear to have reacted in a similar way to your husband. If you want to address issues in your relationship you'll need to talk with him, but the experiences detailed in this thread may prepare you for how he is feeling.

I think the best advice has already been given; to work out what result you want. What does success look like? I'd add that you really have to be honest with your husband, not just saying what you think he wants to hear in order to keep the show on the road. If his needs aren't going to be met in the relationship, he deserves the chance to make an informed choice as to if/how he proceeds in it.

The chan chan man

No one has mentioned the possibility, or into this case, likelihood, that he’s now getting it elsewhere?! Sounds like you’ve treated him like sh1t so why wouldn’t he look elsewhere. Has he recently taken up ‘swimming lessons’ or started ‘going to the gym’ at night?!

fits

That’s a huge leap. I think a lot depends really on whether there is kindness and love in the relationship and what the ‘rejection’ was like. OP hasn’t been back so all replies are based on assumptions really.

tara73

91 posts, arguing with each other, OP hasn't come back once...

khaldrogo

notAMember wrote: »

........

I remember being taken-aback years ago... my long time married friend, after a few drinks asked “ how do women in same sex relationships know when sex is finished? “ The penny dropped for me later, she was asking most likely because sex for her was finished when her husband was finished, not her. How many years had she put up with crappy sex on his terms? Had she ever even had an orgasm.....

And when she explained to her husband after the first time that she wasn't being fulfilled did he refuse to listen?
Or was it that she never said anything and he thought everything was fine?

#menaretrash....... Yawn!

LegacyUser

Some crazy responses on this thread!

There were 2 people involved in the relationship and the husband was not forced to stay!

It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

It would not have been a pleasant or fun situation for the OP to have to reject him constantly at all!!

Surely the marriage was full of tension and so on due to the mismatch of libido, which would have been hard for both of them, so the husband isn't the only one who suffered.

As a woman I wouldn't stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week with a man who didn't want to, and then expect people to feel sorry for me and I wouldn't want him painted as the bad guy!

It would be my choice to either accept it or leave, not repeatedly ask for sex that I knew he didn't want for a decade!!!

XsApollo

Friendswendy wrote: »

Some crazy responses on this thread!

There were 2 people involved in the relationship and the husband was not forced to stay!

It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

It would not have been a pleasant or fun situation for the OP to have to reject him constantly at all!!

Surely the marriage was full of tension and so on due to the mismatch of libido, which would have been hard for both of them, so the husband isn't the only one who suffered.

As a woman I wouldn't stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week with a man who didn't want to, and then expect people to feel sorry for me and I wouldn't want him painted as the bad guy!

It would be my choice to either accept it or leave, not repeatedly ask for sex that I knew he didn't want for a decade!!!

I take it you have never been in this situation then.
As a woman you wouldn’t stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week.
I agree with you.
So as a woman if you didn’t want to stay in the relationship , you would leave your home and kids behind for that reason? Or would you expect your husband to leave his home and kids behind.

Not so black and white depending on the circumstances.

Corkblowin

Friendswendy wrote: »

It's also a pretty serious issue to know that your partner doesn't have a high libido at all and then pester them for sex a few times a week for 10 years knowing that they don't want it also, so he's definitely not a saint! I'm sure people will say it's not pestering, but if you know that they're going to say no then it is pestering!

Ok - maybe it was pestering - so now he's stopped and his wife is unhappy with him. What do you suggest they do now?

Henry Ford III

Corkblowin wrote: »

Ok - maybe it was pestering - so now he's stopped and his wife is unhappy with him. What do you suggest they do now?

Ideally they should communicate.

LegacyUser

XsApollo wrote: »

I take it you have never been in this situation then.
As a woman you wouldn’t stay in a relationship trying to have sex several times a week.
I agree with you.
So as a woman if you didn’t want to stay in the relationship , you would leave your home and kids behind for that reason? Or would you expect your husband to leave his home and kids behind.

Not so black and white depending on the circumstances.

You can't take it that someone hasn't been in a situation just because of the advice that they give!

You asked would I leave my home and kids behind for that reason? It sounds like you're implying that it's not a good reason for someone to leave??

It's a pretty good reason if you ask me, it's a reason as good as any other reason someone could have for ending a relationship, it's probably an even bigger reason than some other reasons that people leave for!!! You saw how the OP was tore apart for how she 'treated' him. It's generally accepted that being in that situation can seriously take its toll on a person! So it's definitely a good reason to leave!

We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, so if you're in a situation like that then you leave OR you accept it. If you know your partner doesn't want sex then you don't badger them several times a week for it!!

As a woman I know that I am in the fortunate situation to know I wouldn't have to leave my kids behind! and I absolutely have sympathy for men in situations where they want to end a relationship (for whatever reason) because they know that chances are they are not going to have the kids for the majority of the time, but if a relationship isn't working you should end it!

The OP hasn't even given much details about the relationship marriage. Often the lack of sex was already an issue before kids and marriage! but the other person married them and had kids with them anyway.

It seems like the person who wants sex gets most or all of the sympathy, and the other person is seen as just simply withholding something from them because they're heartless. It's just not the case.
People have to take responsibility for their own happiness and for choosing to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil their needs.


@Corkblowin
The OP should do some serious soul searching about what she wants from the relationship, why this bothers her, is it mainly because of fear that he's now after falling out of love with her or something like that or what is she worried about?
She needs to consider whether she wants to have a sex life going forward, or if she was simply going along with it for his sake?
She needs to be honest with him about whether she actually wants sex or not and then discuss things with him and see where his head is at and go from there!

Big Bag of Chips

All posters are reminded that Personal Issues is first and foremost a forum where posters come looking for advice.

Threads that get derailed by over and back arguing amongst posters debating hypothetical situations generally end up pretty useless to the original poster who ends up having to scroll through screens of irrelevant arguing.

All posters posting here are very familiar with the board at this stage. So anyone seen dragging the thread off topic or trying to engage another poster in general discussion with receive actions up to and including a forum ban.

Here's the Forum Charter. Anyone unsure should familiarise themselves.

XsApollo

Friendswendy wrote: »

You can't take it that someone hasn't been in a situation just because of the advice that they give!

You asked would I leave my home and kids behind for that reason? It sounds like you're implying that it's not a good reason for someone to leave??

It's a pretty good reason if you ask me, it's a reason as good as any other reason someone could have for ending a relationship, it's probably an even bigger reason than some other reasons that people leave for!!! You saw how the OP was tore apart for how she 'treated' him. It's generally accepted that being in that situation can seriously take its toll on a person! So it's definitely a good reason to leave!

We all have to take responsibility for our own happiness, so if you're in a situation like that then you leave OR you accept it. If you know your partner doesn't want sex then you don't badger them several times a week for it!!

As a woman I know that I am in the fortunate situation to know I wouldn't have to leave my kids behind! and I absolutely have sympathy for men in situations where they want to end a relationship (for whatever reason) because they know that chances are they are not going to have the kids for the majority of the time, but if a relationship isn't working you should end it!

The OP hasn't even given much details about the relationship marriage. Often the lack of sex was already an issue before kids and marriage! but the other person married them and had kids with them anyway.

It seems like the person who wants sex gets most or all of the sympathy, and the other person is seen as just simply withholding something from them because they're heartless. It's just not the case.
People have to take responsibility for their own happiness and for choosing to stay in a relationship that doesn't fulfil their needs.


@Corkblowin
The OP should do some serious soul searching about what she wants from the relationship, why this bothers her, is it mainly because of fear that he's now after falling out of love with her or something like that or what is she worried about?
She needs to consider whether she wants to have a sex life going forward, or if she was simply going along with it for his sake?
She needs to be honest with him about whether she actually wants sex or not and then discuss things with him and see where his head is at and go from there!

I am asking you as a woman if you wanted to leave a relationship would you leave your kids and home behind for the sake of your happiness?

Big Bag of Chips

Red card to XsApollo for ignoring moderator warning.