Fathers - Did you lose who you were?

ted1

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

I collect and drop the kids to the childminder every day at a cost of €650 per week, which is depressing. .

Could you or your wife stop working , pass your tax credits over to the working spouse ?

Our oldest is 11, so wife was pregnant in 2008 and had a high end boutique. With the recession kicking in , we decided to close the shop and she’d look after the kid now 3 kids.

Best decision we ever made. Took a while to adjust to 1 income but we adopted fast. It’s amazing how much your lifestyle adjusts your budget

The kids are a it older now with the youngest starting Prinary school last September, so the wife picked up some part time work. To keep herself busy.

Pawwed Rig

A running buggy helped me no end when they were very young. Strap them both in and go out for 30 mins or so around local park.
As they started talking it go a bit demoralising when they would repeatedly ask me why I was running so slowly :pac:

helimachoptor

Have been in a similar situation, doing an Msc, wife on mat leave and then back to work, ships passing in the night and all of that.

Our personal interests took a back seat, gym stopped, the only thing really for me i kept going was my weekly football, now the kids are a bit older (youngest in 2.5) we're getting some normality back in terms of being able to do stuff, but with older kids comes the need from them todo different sports and activities on weekends and evenings.

We just made sure we made the most of the time we had together, even with nappy changes, naps etc, but it does get better

Laszlo Cravensworth

ted1 wrote: »

Could you or your wife stop working , pass your tax credits over to the working spouse ?

Our oldest is 11, so wife was pregnant in 2008 and had a high end boutique. With the recession kicking in , we decided to close the shop and she’d look after the kid now 3 kids.

Best decision we ever made. Took a while to adjust to 1 income but we adopted fast. It’s amazing how much your lifestyle adjusts your budget

The kids are a it older now with the youngest starting Prinary school last September, so the wife picked up some part time work. To keep herself busy.

Both of us love our jobs and being a stay at home dad or mum is something that would mentally destroy either of us. The jobs are probably the only thing that allow us to detach from the chaos.

Our eldest is going to play school this September so the child care costs will drop a bit. At least there's that.

We just have to survive the worst for another year or 2.

Sometimes you can't see the wood for the trees, but...

It does get easier.
And it gets better.
And you'll love your girls more than anything in the world.

try make time for yourself and your wife, remember the woman you fell in love with.

Laszlo Cravensworth

Laszlo Cravensworth wrote: »

Both of us love our jobs and being a stay at home dad or mum is something that would mentally destroy either of us. The jobs are probably the only thing that allow us to detach from the chaos.

Our eldest is going to play school this September so the child care costs will drop a bit. At least there's that.

We just have to survive the worst for another year or 2.

You're genuinely over the worst

Borzoi

jon1981 wrote: »

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

Spare a thought for those of us which who started in our late 40s ðŸ˜

ted1

MikeOxsgreen wrote: »

You're genuinely over the worst

Only one way to be sure, time to join this thread. https://touch.boards.ie/thread/2056282040/91/#post117498796

Calhoun

Fat Dad wrote: »

I'm a father to two young girls, both only babies. 18 months apart.

I'm working from home, which has given me a lot of time i wouldn't have had with my children, which is great in that I see them when i'm making a cup of tea or having lunch, and bad from the point of view that I can't escape the noise and circus that surrounds them when I'm trying to focus on my job.

I'm up from 5am each morning with them, sorting their breakfast and sterilising bottles, putting on or hanging out washes of clothes, small jobs as quietly as I can while my wife gets a few hours sleep (she takes most of the night mid week, I do the nights at weekends).

I've a busy job. I work from 830-6pm. I do a college course by night, it's almost finished (September, 2 yrs MSc online), and it's hanging over me like a dark cloud. I've limped through it for the last 21 months and I've passed all so far and I've a thesis to write now, which is proving immensely difficult as I simply cannot get a 'block' of time to do anything. I am squeezing in an hour or two here and there, which won't cut the mustard on this thing. It's a constant back of my mind stress hanging over me.

My wife and I aren't really getting on great, I don't think there are any real issues apart from tiredness and the go go go of raising two infants. Sex life has paused a while, we're not sharing a bed while we rotate baby duties. This is something that's keeping us alive during the day as we're both getting some sleep, but I'm worried it's causing other issues between us. Having said that, we tried a similar approach after baby 1 and things got back to normal intimacy (back int he same bed, sex life resumed somewhat) once the baby grew a little and settled so I'm optimistic for the same again, just a tough few months.

I feel so tired and worn out that I've let myself go. I think 'let myself' is even harsh on myself, I can't help it at the moment. Okay, maybe that's excuses as well. I'm overeating 'bad' food, it's a coping mechanism for tiredness and stress. A comfort eat.

I used to keep myself somewhat in shape. I'd cycle or jog now and then, watch my food, swim, go to a gym. Nothing over the top but always active in the evenings or weekends doing something. Now it feels like I've zero time for me. Ever. As ridiculous as it sounds, I don't have an hour a day to go for a run.

I'm worried I'm totally losing who I am and I don't know what to do about it. I'm not me. I'm 'dad', I don't feel like a husband much either, just the other parent in the house trying to raise the children. I feel lost.

I would love to hear from other fathers who struggled a bit with this and are maybe a few years further down the line than I am. How did it play out for you? Was the 'damage' permanent, or did you 'recover' from it, get back on track with your life etc.

I would lie if i said i didn't get overwhelmed as you do its the nature of the beast but you learn to navigate through it. Ill try and recommend somethings that have not already been mentioned.

First, what is the bed time routine like for your girls? do you dream feed them or are you feeding them during the night? If both of you are working these questions are super important. We had to get our girls into a nighttime routine with dream feeding. The bonus of doing this is they sleep the night and if you schedule it just right sleep until 7/8 in the morning (my youngest is 2 and is like clockwork). I know no child is the same but you have to clearly define a routine and stick to it.

Second, that workday is far too long 47.5 hours if your working from home your doing a corporate job i would assume so your over working by 8-9 hours easily. That is time that could be used for exercise or for other tasks.

Third, what jobs can you move to the night before so your not up and about so early?

Forth and Final priorities what is right for now? Put your thesis on hold. As someone who has been doing distance learning i have also had to make the decision to put stuff on hold because it didn't work at the time with my work life balance. Imagine how hard it is for you is magnified for your wife, your gone from 8:30-1800 daily and then at least two hours a night based on what you said above thats 12-13 hours your gone and you want to add more to it.

Is it any wonder your sex life is non-existent your wife is exhausted from managing the kids and you have bitten off so much more than you can chew and its stressing you out (not saying that in a bad way but its reality). As they say you shouldn't have dipped the wick if you cannot pay for the parafin, unfortunately this means for you that you pay like you are right now through tiredness and stress or you take a break and focus on getting things into a working routine and getting your relationship back on track

Its not easy believe me i was and am in a similar position and have had to back out of a degree course temporarily until i can got at it properly when it works.

smacl

Two girls myself, well over the horror years, they're now 18 and 21. Some excellent specific advice on here already so I won't repeat it. I would echo the sentiment of deferring the thesis if at all possible, two babies with both parents working full time is already a tough enough ask. What I would say to yourself and your other half is to make sure to be kind to yourself and kind to each other. It is a long haul for the first few years but every year gets better and easier. Our first was up every couple of hours for the first year or so and I remember having conversations with mates who also had very young kids wondering what the fúck we'd let ourselves into. A few years pass by, things get way easier and the kids become a real pleasure to be with. I found the toddler years to be great craic and all good from there on in. The baby stage is definitely a marathon and not a sprint.

eastie17

Yeah, more of the same for me at an advice level, dont take on too much, you have to be realistic. Although I would nearly argue that when they are older and involved in activities that can be just as hard, but your getting sleep and hopefully in the same bed at that stage. Dont do what all parents seem to do and get them involved in everything going, you end up just ferrying them from pillar to post and thats no craic either.
we eventually got to a rule of no more than 2 extra curricular activities, have 4 kids so do the sums for your own situaton when at that point. And dont buy into the intesnity of some field sports, U-6s are now almost being treated as if they dont train 4 times a week (slight exaggeration) then they have no chance. There needs to be a change in all that as well, seperate topic, but my firm belief is that we are losing young men and women from team sports in vast numbers right at the age when it benefits them the most because we are getting too organised and intense way too young.

One thing, and you alluded to it at the beginning, is don't lose yourself. Society doesn't really recognise the contributions that fathers make, and you only have to see what happens in places like the US, when that contribution is not there.
What i mean by that, the daytime media and the general narrative of things is "poor frazzled working mothers", the narrative on fathers is "ah sure let him mind them for an hour and he'll put a nappy on the child's head and order pizza for the 6 months old", ah sure isn't he great for trying. When the reality is that most fathers are rightly putting their shoulders to the wheel. We dont need credit for it, but some general recognition would be nice.
But there is no support for this, we dont talk about these things with eachother, whereas women do and are encouraged to do so. Best we do is the odd fatalistic comment. So you can end up isolated and just lose yourself in it.
I'm out the other side now with couple in college and two coming to the end of school and frankly find myself a bit loss at times, Dads seem to be their to help but we dont have that support structure that mothers do - does that make any sense?

Stone Deaf 4evr

jon1981 wrote: »

Anyone here thinking why they didn't have kids in their mid to late 20s instead of waiting to mid to late 30s?

I always said that the one regret I had about having kids was why didnt we have them sooner.
I was 32 when we had our first, 34 when we had the second. when I look back at my mid to late 20's, you could spend a long weekend on the beer friday & saturday night, and all day sunday, with maybe 4 hours sleep and a breakfast roll to keep you going.

But - the decline sets in quick, and before you know it, even 1 hour of sleep lost totally disrupts your life.

Anyway, hang in there OP, it'll get easier.

Colonel Panic

I'm in my 40s with a newborn son. It's a two-sided thing. I'm glad I waited because I'm financially secure and a more mature, better person than I was 15 years ago, but I do worry that when he's older, I'll be older too. Gonna have to focus on healthy living from now on!

smacl

Colonel Panic wrote: »

I'm in my 40s with a newborn son. It's a two-sided thing. I'm glad I waited because I'm financially secure and a more mature, better person than I was 15 years ago, but I do worry that when he's older, I'll be older too. Gonna have to focus on healthy living from now on!

Agreed entirely. 34 for our first and 37 for the second, worked out pretty well in that we had a lot of fun child free years before buckling down to parenthood. At the other end of this now, mid 50s for a 21 year old and 18 year old works really well. Physical fitness and health plays a big role too, for me I was in my best ever shape in my 30s and 40s which meant loads of physical activity with the kids which is something we kept up through the years. I reckon you'll be absolutely fine in your 40s and 50s with kids and teens, keeping in good shape is good for you and for them.

Yeah fitness is everything when having kids late I think too.

Since my GFs did not want kids until they hit 30 and since I am 2 and 10 years older than them - this means started having my first two kids at age 32 with GF1 and third when I was 40 with GF2. She is now currently pregnant with the fourth and final planned one and I am currently 42. Getting it snipped / tied / neutralised / lopped off after that

So keeping on top of it health and fitness wise is more a priority than it ever has been. Thankfully I made it a priority already even before kids - and ever since - so have a good base to work from. We will see how well I am keeping up in 2030 when I am dealing with an 8/9 year old as a 50 year old.

smacl

Deleted User wrote: »

We will see how well I am keeping up in 2030 when I am dealing with an 8/9 year old as a 50 year old.

8/9 year old at that age will be great craic and keep you on your toes. A Da into martial arts and archery will be the absolute envy of your kid's friends. In my experience, above all activities, nothing kids enjoy more than play fighting.

Heh my current son is already joking around that his dad is the Green Arrow.

Dickie10

my neighbour was a bachelor farmer , he met a woman at 51 , got married at 53 and had a baby a few months later, his first. another farmer neighbour is 52 and has 4 kids under 6. had his first at 47. seems a common theme among farmers

The One Doctor

Father of a 6 year old and two month old daughters here.

I'm lucky as I spent a long time with my oldest daughter when I was off work for a few years. Really got to know her and enjoy life as my wife worked shifts.

I've just started a new commission based sales role and it's harder with the two month old as I feel like I never see her. My wife breastfeeds so I don't really get into the care of the baby other than nappies and play when I'm there. Can't really help at night apart from nappy changes.

I don't have any external hobbies right now, but will be learning to fly next year so looking forward to that.

Honestly I feel guilty working, I would much prefer looking after my kids full time, but the money makes a big difference, we can save and have health insurance and a bit of security.

My wife wants us to get a mortgage (I'm 42 and both of us earn less than average for our ages) and that's stressing me. Feels like a terrible void of financial horribleness is approaching.

The Mighty Quinn

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117966393#Comment_117966393

The terrible void of financial horribleness now might be preferable to trying to pay rent on a place while in your 70s....