Menopause

thesultan

I'd like to know a female's thoughts on this.. Now now partner has started menopause. She had Perry menopause I thought with two years or so.. Now I know that periods get lighter and flushes and get hot. She has absolutely no sex drive. No physical contact at all. Not even kisses. No is that it or do women ever get it back?

I remember her saying before that she thought it was dirty...

Dial Hard

First of all, it's women, not females.

Secondly, the fact that she has referred to sex as "dirty" makes me suspect menopause is not the issue here. How was her sex drive/attitude towards sex before she became peri-menopausal?

thesultan

Before she had a child it was fantastic.. After it wasnt

YellowLead

‘A’ child, not ‘our’ child. How long ago was that? If you had a fantastic sex life before kids then she hardly saw sex as ‘dirty’. Unfortunately women have to deal with all sorts or hormonal stuff - has she spoken to a gp about it - or doesn’t want to try?

thesultan

Our child yea..

Just told him, she has no sex drive

thesultan

Rubberchikken

Has she spoken with her gp?

How old is the baby/child? Hormones Are all over the place after childbirth and women need help addressing that.

You need to speak with her and show her support and a listening ear.

The menopause is just another stage in a woman's life not the end of it and there are.many ways to get through it as easily as possible, it might just need help from gp in first place.

Good luck

[Deleted User]

Not much of a Sultan if you've only one wife. ;)

But, this is all about communication. Why does she think sex is dirty?

No kissing has, AFAIK, nothing to do with menopause, unless she has learned kissing always leads to sex, which could be very off-putting.

MissShihTzu

How much research have you done about this, OP? From what you've posted, not much...

Peri-menopause and then the menopause can last up to 15 YEARS! Were you aware of that? It's not just lighter/no periods and hot flushes. And it can vary from woman to woman. Are you sure your partner has even started the menopause?

In my case, I hit peri-menopause in my late 40's. I'm now mid fifties and STILL dealing with it! There's the sleepless nights, memory fog, anxiety, depression, thinning hair, dry skin, itchiness amongst the major issues. I deal with mine by taking supplements, and I have HRT patches which are a Godsend. I refuse to take antidepressants, but I know a few of my friends in the same boat do and they find them helpful.

How old is the child? If she's very young, then that's tough to deal with alone, along with everything else that's going on.

You need to really TALK with your partner and find out exactly what's going on. LISTEN to what she says. Encourage her to speak to a doctor - a blood test can confirm the hormone levels and also confirm whether or not she is going through the menopause.

Hope this helps, and good luck! :)

notAMember

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631596#Comment_117631596

Dial Hard was pointing out the misogynistic language and attitude. Female is a word used for animals. "Female" refers to a sex of any species, while "woman" refers to humans. "Female" is often used in a pejorative sense – to insult or belittle a woman who you don't approve of or agree with. Which sounds like it's the case here. YellowLead pointed out more of it in the next post about "a child" rather than "their child" or "our child". This language is a typical marker of women being viewed as breeding objects or a warm body to stick a penis in, rather than as a fellow human being.

With menopause, there is a drop in estrogen and progesterone, which results in as well as a possible drop in libido, but also in some women can lead to them becoming less tolerant of being treated like an animal, if that's happening here. It's hard to see the insides of someone else's relationship.

thesultan

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117631565#Comment_117631565

Little research. She went to the doctor. She has started it.

YellowLead

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117634783#Comment_117634783

Well there you go. She is working at it, not sure what there is to complain about here really.

MissShihTzu

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117634783#Comment_117634783

Well. That's a start. What did the doctor say - Do you know? (you don't need to answer here, but think about it) You seem to be a bit disassociated from the issue. Did you/have you talked to your partner in detail about her issues? Have you shared yours? It's not just the physical, although that's important. Communication is key, here.

Please - Once you know what the issues are, do some research. Get counselling for yourself if you need to.

Good luck.

Rubberchikken

Good that your oh has gone to her gp.

The best thing you can do now is talk with her, listen to her and support her.

It isn't the end of the world in any sense. Just another stage in life that she'll manage with help and support.

notAMember

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117633863#Comment_117633863

I assumed nothing at all, just read the posts.

Female is any animal, woman is human.

Just facts I’m afraid Alberta.

fits

I suspect there’s much more going on here than menopause.

ChannelNo5

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117634783#Comment_117634783

Well are you interested in understanding and helping her with this? If so, maybe do a little bit more research. Menopause can be a nightmare. Not for all women but the side effects can be horrendous and there's a long list. It can make you feel like you're losing your mind. Your body doesn't feel like its your own any more and you've little interest in pandering to a partner who cant possibly understand how you feel. Thats a small part of how it can make you feel.

There are a few clinics around the country that specialise in treatment of menopause symptoms if your GP is not being helpful. The thing to remember is its not just her issue. There was a programme recently with Davina McCall i think that was very good i believe? might be worth a watch, for both of you. To answer your question, no, thats not it!! Speak to a professional.

notAMember

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117649240#Comment_117649240

How exactly is one post answering a question badgering? Take your meds and chill.

Alfred123

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117632720#Comment_117632720

Op has a marital problem .. Op writes to Boards asking for advice and immediately gets torn down for being "misogynistic" ..

Using "a child" instead of "our child" - "female" instead of "woman" - Really ?!

People will stop coming here to post problems if they have to dance ever so cleverly round you Grammar Nazi police.

What about someone who writes in with a less than perfect command of the English language - shd they consult with you guys first as to how to express themselves ?

It's advice the guy needs, not more criticism. Jeez

That being said .. Op .. i think it would be worth considering marriage counselling - together or, failing that, alone.

It is hard to guage the dynamic of a relationship simply from 1 post.

If a talk with your partner gets nowhere then it will help for you to talk out your feelings with someone.

At least, you will feel less alone

notAMember

Alfred, you don't get it.

Identifying that someone speaking about your wife like she is a farm animal isn't being grammar nazi. It shows a lack of very basic respect, which could be part of the problem.

[Deleted User]

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117650177#Comment_117650177

In defence of the OP, I think this is being pedantic. When toxic masculinity is being discussed nobody believes its rabbit that are the focus. The OP could have used a different word, but it hardly warrants derailing the thread.

seamus

While I appreciate Alfred's comment that people coming here for help might be scared off by being jumped on, the language that the OP uses in reference to his partner does really pop out as being very dissociative. Like his partner's issues are her own, and his primary concern here is whether he's ever going to have sex again.

And when someone's coming here looking for advice, then it's only reasonable to point out anything which may be relevant; including the OP's attitude to his partner.

In terms of advice OP, what your partner needs now is support. Someone who at least understands the fact that she's going through difficult (and often scary or confusing) changes - physically, emotionally and psychologically - and who can be there for her to lean on when necessary. What she doesn't need is a partner tapping their foot waiting for it to be over, or showing interest in her welfare only in the context of sex.

Park sex at the back of your mind for now. Imagine that your wife is pregnant, with a pregnancy that may last several years. Consider what kind of support she needs. Do some research, encourage your partner to communicate with you about how she's getting on - not just around sex drive, but about everything. Encourage her to tell you when she's having bad days. When she seems down, give her a kiss on the head, hug her, tell her you love her and then walk away. Make it clear that you're not just after a ride.

Your issue here is about more than whether you'll ever get some again. If your partner comes out the far side of this and feels like she's had to do it all on her own, you might find you have no relationship to speak of, never mind sex.

Mrcaramelchoc

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117625072#Comment_117625072

What the hell does the first line mean?

Alfred123

https://boards.ie/discussion/comment/117650354#Comment_117650354

The Op wrote :

.. that this has been an issue for some 2 years ..

I would read from the post that he misses 'intimacy' with his partner ("not even kisses", " no physical contact at all" .. ) .. that he is confused .. and not simply that he wants to get his end off. That surely is a possible reading ..

I have read better English, yes .. and it would seem obvious that he is struggling a bit to express himself

But how this can warrant these jump down your throat, charges of misogny is appalling.

We don't know the Op personally .. judging him on poor grammar is not helpful

Big Bag of Chips

The issue of female/woman is not what the OP is asking.

There is never the same furore about male/man.

As always if anyone has an issue with any post we ask that you report the post and not derail the thread with argument.

Big Bag of Chips

Alfred123, Alberta64 and notAMember, stop your sniping at each other.

Advise the OP on the issue he posted about or do not post in the thread again.

Neyite

It's very hard to tell from your short posts, but it comes across that you really don't really feel that her medical condition is anything for you to try to understand or to learn about but it kind of should be, shouldn't it? Given it affects an area of your relationship that you value and miss.

There are lots of reasons why she might have gone off it after the baby - body image, birth trauma, PND, change in hormones, change in relationship roles, expectations of parenting, reality of parenting, division of household/child related duties, going straight into peri-menopause or just general falling out of love.

She's the only one that can answer it for you. But I can tell you that if I was going through difficult hormonal changes and my partner was indifferent, disinterested and only bothered about how it affect him, that would also strongly contribute to any loss of sex drive initially caused by the hormones, possibly even longer than the medical condition itself.

ger vallely

Menopause can be a very drawn out and stressful time for many women. There is a checklist of up to 50 symptoms which women can use to make certain they are pre, Peri, in menopause or post menopausal. If only it were as simple as periods lightening! Perhaps your wife needs care and reassurance at this time as well as possible hormone replacement therapy. Talk with her, try engage with her on the subject. It is encouraging that you posted here to try start the education process. Let her know you are interested. Perhaps instigate a romantic meal, treat her and let her know you care. As for physical intimacy, well that is something you both need to work on. And hopefully if she sees you are trying, caring and attempting to understand, then she may gradually return to feeling like she wants to be intimate. Menopause can bring with it huge feelings of inadequacy and insecurities. If you have a foundation of love and respect for each other you can work through this together.

babyboom

I'm in perimenopause for 3 years now. It's an absolute nightmare. It certainly isn't lighter periods and hot flushes. I've had bleeding so heavy that I couldn't leave the house, my moods are all over the place, I've had spotting, night sweats, depression, weight gain, vaginal dryness and itch, bowel problems, hair falling out, nails breaking, dangerously high blood pressure to name but a few. I love my husband dearly but sometimes even a kiss is too much for me. Its very hard to explain unless you're going through it. I just want to be left alone a lot of the time. It doesn't help that, while going through this, a lot of women (myself included) are dealing with adult and teenage kids at home and elderly parents that need caring for. It's overwhelming. So maybe, do a bit more research, talk to your wife, give her space and time to adjust to this difficult time in her life and you will both reap the rewards.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117662743#Comment_117662743

Maybe if she has an issue, the onus could be on her to, well, communicate it? Expecting the guy to read her mind is irrational nuts. Going through the menopause, depression, anxiety or what have you does not give somebody a right to treat their partner in such a demeaning, degrading manner.

They need to explain themselves, to bring people who love them with them. This is what mature adults must do. Staying in that bunker and destroying love and goodwill because they refuse to communicate is not acceptable. Men and women both need to communicate in any relationship. Stop making excuses for her and putting the onus on the guy to do all the communication. Everybody wants to be wanted in a relationship. Not only is the op expected to take the neglect/abuse, he's then meant to crawl after her to "communicate". Such entitlement.

[Deleted User]

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117650354#Comment_117650354

"In terms of advice OP, what your partner needs now is support. Someone who at least understands the fact that she's going through difficult (and often scary or confusing) changes - physically, emotionally and psychologically "

Of course, if she communicated everything to him and brought him with her, this would almost certainly be forthcoming. You are making assumptions, so here's another one with just as much evidence supporting it. It's much more likely that she is not communicating with him and instead moping around the place pulling long faces expecting him to read her mind. Also, if you really think all the op wants from his partner is "sex" rather than the connection and intimacy with the woman he loves which that is part of, I don't quite know what to say at that level of misandry.