Partner Upset with Sex Play

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666609#Comment_117666609

Really? Back in the 50s? Because I ain't on the love-bus for a sexy bout of neck pressing and suffocation?

osarusan

Jaysus OP, in terms of activities that you absolutely need crystal clear consent for, choking is right up there at the top of the list. I don't think anybody can pretend not to be aware of that.

I think anything at all is fine in a couple's sex life as long as both partners enthusiastically consent to it. In this case, it sounds like she has been going along with things she does't really want to so for a while, but this has pushed her over the line.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666640#Comment_117666640

It’s up to each couple to decide what they are into, and quite frankly the type of sex is irrelevant to the discussion.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666663#Comment_117666663

It is precisely not irrelevant though. It takes very little to kill someone with pressure on their throat. They also have a very limited opportunity to respond with safety instructions or alarm as they literally are having their throat compressed and would find it hard to speak!! It is seriously up there on the list of dangerous life-threatening activity. Not in the same category at all as a happy bunch of birch twigs or whatever.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666691#Comment_117666691

That’s part of the safe word agreement. If you cannot speak you need to have a non verbal sign that is clear and indicates that the game has to stop.

it really isn’t helpful to shame people for their sexual preferences, particularly if you have no experience with it.

I will not discuss this further on thread but hope that the OP looks into ways to puts these safety measures into play.

Useful article about this area. cardiac arrest can occur within seconds of throat compression. It is not a mere ''sexual preference''. It is extremely dangerous and has been for some bizarre reason normalised.

https://www.theguardian.com/society/2019/jul/25/fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex

Erika Lust, one of the world’s only female porn directors, agrees that strangulation and choking scenes now dominate porn. “Face slapping, choking, gagging and spitting has become the alpha and omega of any porn scene and not within a BDSM context,” she says. “These are presented as standard ways to have sex when, in fact, they are niches

https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666609#Comment_117666609

There's a huge gap between a kink, where both parties are willing participants, and abuse causing harm (assault in this case), which is what this clearly was. Claiming it is a kink is missing the two key facts here.

1- There was no consent.

2- The victim has retreated, avoiding the OP

Trying to dress a terrifying assault up as a forward-thinking sexually liberal viewpoint is disingenuous and does nobody any favours. Doing anything as risky as this against the wishes of the woman involved is not a kink by any measure.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666663#Comment_117666663

Only this isn't something the couple decided they were into.

He mentioned he'd like to try it, and because she didn't say no outright, he took that as a green light and to go ahead without a proper discussion on how to proceed safely, or clear consent.

I for one don't accept that a forty something year old man whose been married before doesn't understand consent, and my guess at this stage given the rest of the history that has come to light I don't buy this as "miscommunication". I believe he knew damn well if he asked for consent, he wouldn't have been given it.

TBH this is one of the more disturbing threads I've read on PI so far, and what is also disturbing is those who are trying to downplay the seriousness of what happened here.

"She didn't do enough to stop him so she is as responsible".

"Consent is a spectrum."

[For women] "Communication of this sort can be a turn off".

Victim blaming and rape culture. Its really not a myth.

OP - if you take anything away from this thread let it be this.

CONSENT

If it's not a clear yes, that means NO.

StringerBell

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117666409#Comment_117666409

Wow

mlem123

Op, as someone who has been to kink events and is active in the lifestyle, what you did would have you banned for life from those places. Breath play is often banned at these events completely. It’s so irresponsible for you (the bigger, stronger and more experienced person) to ensure safety of your sub. I also assume you’re 10+ years older than her if she’s at home?

Just randomly grabbing someone’s throat is so dangerous, have you researched safer techniques? (Note no completely “safe” way)

Respecting your partner is so important so when you just use her to try things you fancy with no input from her it shows how you really view her.

Finally, you can’t figure out a way to ask for consent without killing the mood, maybe it’s your game that needs looking at, it’s truly not that hard

Tork

I remember your other thread about wanting to find a woman of a normal weight, who you wanted to then feed until she got to 21 stone or so. That creeped me out at the time and it still churns my stomach just thinking about it. I've seen other posts of yours that have been a bit startling, putting it mildly. And now this...

I get the impression that the pair of you are in this relationship for the wrong reasons and are using each other. Your girlfriend sounds like the sort of lady who's more likely to stay with a guy who isn't quite right for her. She's not in the first flush of youth so there's probably a fear of being alone forever going on. She hasn't had many boyfriends, she has self-esteem issues and she's comfort eating. And now, she has the life-changing experience of thinking she was about to die. Perhaps this will make her re-evaluate what she has got herself into.

flanna01

Let's not beat around the bush... Is it really normal to ask if you can choke your partner....???

Now she's all upset and not being jovial on the phone....?? Maybe she's only texting one word answers because her throat is buggered...?

Did you ask if you could smother her romantically..??

So now she's probably thinking what sort of whack job have I got myself involved with, and more importantly, how to drop the weirdo with haste...

Duchamp

You either have consent or you don't. 'Not being against it' is not giving consent.

rainbowtrout

I can't believe there are posters defending the OPs position. Not saying no does not equate to consent. The OP also has a history of giving extremely questionable 'advice' on threads in this forum.

Lesalare

My mouth fella gasp at:

"Basically I attempted to choke her during sex last week"

Sorry, but WTF!?

Unless she asked you to try and strangle her, you need to seek help.

and what on earth has her weight and eating got to do with anything?!

Calahonda52

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058200798/partner-upset-with-sex-play

A classic example of negging.

You didn't communicate clearly what you had in mind and now you want to neg her with the weight issue.

Smyl

I don't think you come here for advice. Is it for the schock factor you play/post this?

Oranage2

What a roller-coaster of a thread, "I put my hands around my gf's neck and strangled her, she didn't like it, she's also fond of cake, now she's not talking to me''

To the op, you've to ease people into the hardcore stuff and you've to show restraint. Make sure she's fully on board before you get off on your sexual pleasures. It's not all about you getting your urges, there needs to be consent

Dog day

OP, I’m actually not sure if you’re not posting to elicit shocked responses but giving you the benefit of the doubt that you’re truly seeking advice & given the further context provided by reference to your other posts it’s abundantly clear that lack of self-esteem is something you actively look for in partners. This says a lot about what drives you, sexually or otherwise.

The relationship you’re currently in doesn’t sound like a healthy one to put it mildly. Your girlfriends distant behaviour is clearly her mechanism for dealing with an experience that she understandably found upsetting. Perhaps some people would have a different reaction but consent can’t be assumed.

Sexual desires aside, I think there’s a much wider issue here & genuinely think you should break off this relationship & seek counselling to reflect on why you’re choosing people with low self-worth whom you will only damage more if you continue as you are.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117670078#Comment_117670078

I don't think anyone meant to defend the OP's actions here. I, for my part, hadn't intended my posts to come across that way. However, I disagree with the shaming approach some people seem to consider acceptable here. If this is supposed to be an advice forum maybe some people should re-think how they communicate their views, particularly if only little information is available.

Overall this does not seem to be the best forum for advice on this matter.

lulublue22

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117670729#Comment_117670729

From a female perspective some responses on this thread were shocking - consent is a spectrum ??? seriously and here was me thinking people had autonomy over their own body with an inherent right to consent or not consent as they so wished. Or even worse the victim blaming post who put full responsibility on the poor girl and abdicated the op of all culpability cos she didn’t make it clear enough that she had no interest in being choked. I mean WTF .

What two consenting adults get up to in their own time is their own business but the key word is consenting. There was no indication in the op post that consent had been obtained for a sexual act that has potential safety risks. Further follow up posts did not alter that indication - he was called out on this - I didn’t read this as shaming more as a you need to be clear around consent and a bit of cop the **** on. Which to be fair for his own sake he badly needs. As the thread progressed it became clear imo that the op was not posting in good faith - references to weight and comfort eating etc and posters reacted to that more so than shaming sexual preferences.

Big Bag of Chips

Jequ0n,

Enough of the backseat modding. If you have an issue with any post report it.

The poster posted in Personal Issues asking for opinion, and has gotten it. The poster chose to return to Personal Issues for advice and opinion having posted here previously. He may not agree with or like all of what is offered to him, but that's the risk every poster takes when posting here looking for advice and opinion.

All posters are reminded to offer advice to the OP when posting. It is then up to him what he takes from the thread.

qwerty13

Unless you’re being very unclear with the way you phrase things OP, it seems to me that you casually mentioned something that would be a major no-no to a lot of people, and then decided to just crack on with it during sex, as your GF didn’t immediately raise any obvious objections.

This is not ok behaviour. It’s off the scale not ok behaviour. There should have been a discussion about likes/dislikes, what’s ok and not ok, whether she was fully onboard with it, what you would actually physically do, what the stop words/signals were. You totally ambushed her.

It seems to me that being a dominant partner is your thing, from a sexual point of view - and that your are confusing that with controlling behaviour towards your GF. In my view, the dom/sub stuff is all good as long as both parties have fully and explicitly agreed to it (and ground rules). My take is that you behaved like the dom in the prior discussion of a dom/sub situation - and that this is NOT on. And choking goes beyond the usual dom/sub stuff, so you’ve crossed a heavier boundary than I’ve even described.

You behaved horribly OP. You need to sort that out. And I think you should apologise profusely and leave this girl alone.

Hannibal_Smith

Hawley, I think you need to talk to someone. Whether that be by finding people who share common interests who can advise you, or a professional. I get the sense that you are winging it to a certain extent. You have interests, fair enough. But you are mixing up two different things. I get the impression that you are looking for someone you can manipulate and control. Not that I agree with that, but I understand some do. There is a crux that you're missing however. There's no point in setting boundaries with a partner or setting safe words if the relationship is one where one is controlling or manipulating the other. That is done between two people who understand and know the limits and who are both sharing the thrill of it. Not one who mentions it in passing and then springs it on the other without notice.

Choking a partner is not something anyone should do on any terms imo. You've clearly frightened your partner and she is now avoiding you. I would hope you leave her be now.

Before you embark on another relationship, go and talk to someone and learn where the boundaries should be.

Leg End Reject

Op, I think you need to have a serious think about this and perhaps speak to a counsellor.

This wasn't "sex play", it was assault, and also the second time you've assaulted a woman.

I know that many people are into extreme BDSM and that porn depicts violence as the norm, but it's not for everyone. I read an article a while back about the increase of young women presenting to hospital as a result of young men thinking this was a normal part of sex from watching porn, or women thinking they needed to allow these things.

If this is something you're going to explore you need to discuss it fully in a non-sexual context and start slowly, not jumping in and choking your partner because she didn't seem averse to the idea.

Then there's the issue of you seeking a woman to "fatten up", you mention this lady comforts eats and has gained weight, she's younger and less worldwise and seems to difficulty expressing her wants and saying no ... it all adds up to a manipulative scenario.

What do her family think of you? Why haven't you considered that she's traumatised instead of wondering why she's barely responding?

PressRun

Choking without consent is not "kink" and nobody who responsibly engages in this type of sexual activity would ever be on board with what the OP did. It isn't okay, and no amount of "you're just vanilla/living in the 50s/a prude" changes that. It actually shocks me that there are people reading this and seeing no major issue. It's not just a "miscommunication", especially given the previous actions alluded to in the OP's other posts.

There is a huge discussion to be had about how people dress up abusive sexual behaviour in the language of "kink" or sexual liberation, and use it to absolve themselves and each other.

Big Bag of Chips

Thread locked for Moderator review.

hawley, please contact me or one of the other PI moderators to clarify a few things.