Emerging from "Situationship" with an alcohol-dependent guy

TheadoreT

Whats your relationship history like, would you have much experience in general OP if you don't mind sharing.

YellowFeather

Big Bag of Chips

I have thought about replying to you, but it has been on my mind all day. And maybe this post will be warned or deleted as it is not directly on topic, but please be careful of putting all alcoholics in one basket.

I respect you as a mod here, but your views on alcoholics are heavily biased.

I have quite a few alcoholics in my family, including my dad. I have seen the pure hurt, attempted suicides, depression, helplessness, and fighting when absolutely exhausted.

Alcoholics are not necessarily bad people. They come in different shapes and forms. Some will be providers and good family members, but will seek solitude in drink during the hours that they should be sleeping. Some will beat their family around. Some will do everything within their ability to keep things going until they quit or die. Some will be selfish mfs, but, that's true of most groups.

There is no one size fits all.

Please, please, please, don't give advice like this. If nothing else, anybody suffering from alcoholism will be scared of this forum. The "bad" guys.

Big Bag of Chips

I know what you mean YellowFeather. My views on problem drinking are very heavily weighted by my experience with my husband. You might notice I rarely use the word "alcoholic" when talking about him, because he is adamant he's not an alcoholic. He's just someone who drank very heavily, to the detriment of his family. But he hadn't a physical addiction. He didn't suffer withdrawals or urges when he stopped drinking. He enjoyed drinking, and drank heavily, because he enjoyed it... And because I enabled it.

I don't agree that I shouldn't be able to talk about my experiences of living with a problem drinker. Nor do I believe that we should stop other people talking about it. That again is putting the drinker and their feelings, needs, addiction ahead of our own. And that's not healthy. Family members of alcoholics spend their lives doing that, and it never makes things better.

I got to the point where I had to step back. I had to do what I needed to do for myself. Because I was crumbling. I was failing as a mother. I was falling apart. And I knew I had to do something. My husband didn't like the fact that I was going to Al-Anon. Because he felt he wasn't an alcoholic and I was insulting him by going. But, I had to not care what he thought! (something that doesn't come easy after years of always putting them ahead of ourselves). Because me attending Al-Anon wasn't about him. It was about me. It was about me trying to figure out why I lived like this for so long. Why I accepted unacceptable behaviour. And I needed that support in order to recover myself, just as much as the problem drinker needs their support to recover.

Drinkers are very very welcome to post here and will get support and advice the same as anyone else. But family members struggling with drink in their lives are equally as entitled to post their experiences and seek support for themselves too. They are equally important.

I have never demonised my husband. He provides very well for a family of 6. I have recently posted about his brother who died last year due to alcohol and drug addiction, and have mentioned how he was great craic, very loyal to his family (except his wife!), when he wasn't on a bender.

Alcoholics/addicts/problem drinkers need help and support. But it's not up to the rest of us to tip-toe around them keeping the peace by hiding away. The secrecy and shame is what allows this to fester and tear families apart. And it's only when someone steps off the Merry-go-round that the merry-go-round might stop going round.

YellowFeather

Thanks Big Bag of Chips! I totally understand your response! I have also been on the side of Al-Anon, and, even with support and understanding, I also know, from seeing it, the hardship of the alcoholic.

I didn’t mean that you shouldn’t talk about your experience, but, blanket statements about alcoholics are not fair. You cannot say that people should not get involved with alcoholics. It is a damn tricky path, but they are people too, and also deserve a chance at relationships and friendships, and it could be that chance which will get them on a better path.

lt is not for this discussion, but don’t dismiss them out of hand in general. Nobody wishes to grow up to be an addict, and many who end up there try to fight it every day.

Edited to add: I’m sorry that you had to go through this. It’s no fun for anybody. I wish you peace!

The person I have spoken here about has had fairly recent severe neurological/physical crises due to a long-term build up of alcohol intake coupled with several "solo" attempts to quit without medical supervision. That's when the real issue came to light. It would be inaccurate to say that the person has no absolute goal to be free from the demons. But that's up to him, entirely.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117799298#Comment_117799298

And those can be fatal, if carried out on your own and without guidance, particularly if there have been withdrawal related seizures in the past. But as you said, it’s not your issue (any more).

Big Bag of Chips

I know what you mean YellowFeather, I do know that not all addicts are "bad". (I'm still married, after all!)

But I would not ever voluntarily walk into a relationship with an addict. An addict who is in recovery? maybe. An addict who is "getting close to asking for help"? no. I'll keep my distance and watch if they do get that help, and then consider it. And I could never advise someone to get involved with an addict. Especially if there's no previous history or loyalty there to begin with.

Of course that would only be my advice and my viewpoint - someone else might counter it with why it could be a good thing for both. It would then be up to the OP to decide which advice they preferred!

bitofabind

I think you've built your identity on being "kind and sympathetic" and being "born into a family that helps others" but it's really your ego's way of justifying absolute self-betrayal and self-sabotage in how you live your life. This is probably a learned behaviour, it usually is.

I watched my kind and selfless mother do the same as a kid - to martyr herself to everyone else's needs - and that led me into a life of high stress in jobs that I hated but was brilliant at to the detriment of my health and toxic relationships where my needs were never met. What's familiar becomes our safety, and we'll tell ourselves a nice little story about it in order to never have to face the deep pain of it all that may force us to grow and change.

I think you've been handed some home truths on this thread OP, and I think other posters have identified this need you have to stay attached to this deeply toxic and dangerous situation. You might be dressing it up as "healing" or "understanding" or whatever, but the fact that you're enmeshed with this man's family as if you're already a part of them, when he was only ever a 'situationship' and someone that seemingly got access to you pretty easily, tells another story. I sense so much hurt in you, and I really hope that you can get to the root of that so that you stop actively seeking more hurt and destruction in your life in a situation that can only end catastrophically for you. I'm holding out hope that you'll find a way to protect yourself and to break down this facade of being the "helper", when what you really need is to heal yourself and re-define who you are and what you are worth.

Big Bag of Chips

My family are kind and helpful, OP. I think most people are. And there's usually give and take amongst friends, neighbours, in relationships etc.

The problem arises when your kindness and good nature is taken advantage of. As I get older I'm less interested in pleasing other people to the detriment of myself. I've learned to say no. I've learned to not be so eager to rush in offering help. I still would put myself out and go out of my way for the people I really care about. But I have learned to be a bit more selective.

It's very easy to get taken advantage of when you're naturally a kind, helpful, obliging person. And for years, my kindness and my eagerness to help and not cause fuss was taken advantage of. I suggest you don't ever change the person you are. Being nice, kind, helpful, supportive etc, are all lovely traits and what make people good friends. But I suggest you start getting a bit more choosey about who you are kind and helpful to. And only offer that part of yourself to people who value you, and who will offer you the same in return.