Is the gay dating scene getting worse or is it just me?

eaglach

I've recently gotten back to the dating scene after taking a bit of a hiatus due to Covid. I've ventured onto the various apps - Tinder, Grindr and Hinge.

In the past couple of weeks I matched with about 12 guys on Tinder. I take the approach that if I'm the one who matches, I'll send the first message. If they match with me I would expect that they send me a message first, otherwise I just view them as match collectors. I don't know why you wouldn't message straight away otherwise.

There's 4 guys who are sitting there as matches and haven't messaged me, 3 who I've sent an opening message and no response and then the remaining 5 who have fallen off the face of the earth mid conversation. I'm the last one to send a message in every conversation!

I have no idea what's going on. Without sounding cocky, I would say I'm a fairly decent looking guy... at least that's what I've been told. So I don't think looks are why I'm not getting dates, or else why would they have matched. I'm eager to get back onto the dating scene and have been trying to line up any kind of date for my weekends but I'm really struggling.

Is it just me? Maybe there's just a lot of competition out there and I need to open with an invite for a date!

Citrus_8

Some people in these apps sadly aren't looking for dates or relationships. Some indeed are. Some don't even know what they want... A mix of everything. But I'd say motivation is low out there. Need to put a lot of time and effort. Or, sometimes, just be at the right moment. I also think some of them know what they want and may be quick to judge thinking they know what type of personality it is. That's basically not letting themselves to learn about the person better. I find online dating apps to be tricky - people online are different than in the real world. And some aren't willing to meet any time soon so you may get stuck swapping the messages for weeks or months. I find it slightly annoying sometimes as it's limiting.

LLMMLL

Online is not real life. People don't feel the same about a few pleasant looking pics than they would about an actual person standing in front of them chatting to them.

I don't really understand the "they matched with me so they should send first" and vice versa rule. Tinder is 100% equal. You both swiped right. There's no rule about who should message first.

breatheme

You're better off meeting people in Meetup Groups and in person and the like. Online dating hasn't got worse: it's always been kind of bad, and as you get older, dating gets harder.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058205466/is-the-gay-dating-scene-getting-worse-or-is-it-just-me

Straight guy here with exactly the same problem. So its definitely not just you. Matched with a lovely girl a few days ago, were having chats and craic, this morning, either its a tinder glitch or she unmatched. I thought things were going great.

In the past year I've dated 2 people who said themselves they were new to the dating scene.

#1 after a few dates said she didn't feel a spark when we kissed. OK fair enough. Pity because I really liked her

#2 we dated for about 3 months but she broke up with me because she likes to go out and do things whereas I like to stay at home(Her words). FYI, this was during Level 5 lockdown, and it was winter. Everything was closed, and the rain was going horizontally because the wind was so strong (Where did she want to go?)

It's not just you. I think everything is disposable nowadays for people, including other people. They think "If he or she is not 100% perfect, i'll ghost them, leave them or dump them, and just get another". Unfortunately, the reality is, everyone ends up alone.

I console myself with the idea that the two who ended things need to go on 20 or 30 or 40 really bad dates, and they might think "Actually that galway fella wasn't so bad after all".

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795208#Comment_117795208

Yeah - I dont have rules like that either and it seems weird to me.

Annasopra

I think there is also a Covid fatigue/exhaustion/weariness thing going on that people dont feel over motivated to go on dates right now

Heraclius

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797012#Comment_117797012

I'm dreading going back to the apps but I know I will soon enough. I've been using covid as an excuse not to for long enough now. Trying to find someone on the apps was always a bit soul crushing in the gay world.

AustinLostin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797001#Comment_117797001

I think its a fair enough rule...if you swipe on a person and its a match, but don't feel the need or want to send a message or pursue anything further, it kind of makes the whole thing slightly pointless and a bit lazy. I wouldn't consider OP weird to not want to follow up these people. Then again I have never used these apps so might be missing something.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795208#Comment_117795208

Well if they swiped on me and it says "match" why wouldn't they message? If they were genuinely interested they would say something, even a hello. Maybe they want to feel desired and is some kind of ego thing, I don't know. It's like if someone came up to you in a bar, tapped you on the shoulder and then just stared at you saying nothing!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117795634#Comment_117795634

I would definitely prefer to meet people in person, but it's hard to get over that first hump of getting anyone to agree to meet! Meetup sounds okay in theory, but I have this impression (likely false) that it's largely full of people who have difficulty making friends. I think that stems from someone I knew well who was a very odd man and was a regular at these group meetups!

I didn't have these problems on the apps before. I'm starting to wonder if my messages are not actually getting through!

LLMMLL

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

Well it's not really like the bar analogy because it would be entire socially unacceptable to tap someone on the shoulder in a bar and stare into their face while it's entirely socially acceptable to not message someone on an app.

It's more like going into a bar and magically having the option of finding out exactly who in the bar found you vaguely attractive. You don't have to go seal the deal with any of them but I think many people would like to have this info with no pressure to do anything about it.

I also think there's an element of how tinder in particular works here in contrast to Grindr. Some guys I see on the apps I'm just like YES and want to interact immediately. They're either generically handsome and appealing or just my type or whatever. Other I think "cute" "decent" etc but am not mad about. Maybe in person I'd be mad about them but I'm not sure. I don't agonise over these decisions they're instinct.

In Grindr I just don't message the people I'm not sure about. I can always see them next time I scroll through. In Tinder you have to make a match decision and if you decide no they are gone forever. So people swipe match and think "maybe I'll come back later" so don't message the person.

Basically if your matching but no messaging with a person then to them you're a maybe. That's it. No mystery.

Also if you were having more success a few years ago it much be to do with ageing. Internet dating can be ruthless about looks and age.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815407#Comment_117815407

Interesting thoughts. I never consider anyone on Tinder as "maybes" and that's why I always message. If they were a maybe I'd just not bother matching, but I guess from what you're saying that's not how others view it?

I don't think it's an age thing. I'm in my early thirties and have never had issues matching with guys, more or less. I'm still matching, but the conversations are gone. And any conversations that do start tend to just abruptly stop for no reason. I try to arrange a date ASAP to avoid drawn out chats, but I can't even get to that point!

There was even this guy who said he would really like to go for a drink with me on the same day I matched with him. I really didn't want to because I was out the night before and the last thing I wanted was alcohol. He kept trying to convince me but I kept saying no and then suggested meeting for a walk and then he stopped messaging! Really strange behaviour which seems to be regular now.

I'm a bit prideful and don't like sending a follow up message after the previous one was unanswered, but at this stage I think I need to try anything to just meet another person in the flesh!

LLMMLL

I honestly think a lot of these things are easy to explain. You seem very surprised that this guy didn't want to go for a walk. But you didn't want to go for a drink. He had his reason as did you. I guess the only difference is he wasn't bothered engaging anymore and explaining his thoughts. But that's how many people approach internet dating. Extremely low investment.

I think you were lucky not to encounter this before. The primary complaint about Tinder for years and years and years is matching but no messaging.

eaglach

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815745#Comment_117815745

What surprised me was that someone that was so keen on meeting for a drink suddenly ghosts me when I say I wanted to go for a walk instead. This was mid-conversation, as in we were messaging each other every couple of minutes. Just very odd.

I always have kept my expectations low on Tinder and have encountered the match collectors, the ghosting, the strange messages etc. but it just seems to be everyone now. 15 matches and no messages for maybe a week now? I don't know if you're currently on Tinder but that's not normal.

LLMMLL

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815808#Comment_117815808

I am on it but wouldn't be a heavy user. I prefer Grindr.

I still think it's fairly easy to explain that guy. He wanted something instant. Probably subconsciously. Once you pushed it off to not instant it just wasn't appealing to him anymore. He probably have it no thought at all.

He may also have had the experience (which I have had a lot) of people putting off dates and hookups and they're never going to happen. "tonight is bad" often means never, even if it shouldn't. Haven't you ever had someone tell you "tonight is bad but can meet at weekend" then at the weekend there's some reason why that doesn't work either.

Anyway seems like you're having bad luck but unless the pandemic had some kind of effect I'm not aware of then I don't think there's been a major change in internet dating.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

To me thats oversprescriptive and setting up uneccessary arbitrary rules. In my view if 2 people match there are no rules about who should send a message first. If I match with someone I might send a message and I might not but having rules that I wont message first because xyz is just plain odd to me, its restrictive and could actually potentially mean just being too silly and proud to send a message to someone I like.

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117815315#Comment_117815315

Yeah your impressions are definitely false - I went before to various different groups (maybe 5 or 6) and I found them full of friendly outgoing people.

Gael23

Finding this a bit too. Grindr has its uses but it’s not real life. I get matches on Tinder but they don’t lewd to anything.

problem is a lot of the gay meet-ups are not back up and running yet

I’ve given up on apps entirely and deleted them. I have never really liked meeting people like that. It’s cold and transactional to me and I end up meeting someone for coffee or a pint and then you can see they’re clearly gagging for it, and I’m not into it for some reason, and it just drifts off after a single meeting.

My most recent example: had a guy match up on Tinder, be super friendly, and then found me on Twitter and was being all very friendly. I probably wasn’t enthusiastic enough and he just stopped interacting with me entirely me, and I guess must be annoyed that I didn’t respond enough or something.

I don’t really know how to date anymore. Maybe I never did?

I’m a bi male and I’ve had a few good and bad m/f and m/m relationships, but I don’t know they always end up with me being more into chats and hanging out and people just drift. My long term m/f relationship effectively ended because I wasn’t having enough sex and same happens with guys.

It’s like everyone wants to be in some kind of hot porn movie and I just have it the other way around, and want to actually hang out, go to gigs, do stuff together, go travelling etc etc etc

I get plenty of attention, but I don’t seem to be able to make it work. I often don’t even realise people are flirting with me until they practically slap me and tell me they are.

It’s at the stage I just don’t bother anymore. I am happy enough to read a book, although I miss the hanging out element and chilling and being loved up, but I suppose I’m just not on the same wavelength as most people when it comes to this.

I really miss the ability to go on holidays or even for a meal, as I don’t like being on my own, find it kinda excruciating to go out by myself somewhere, so I usually just go grab food with friends or whatever, but it’s all sort of headed towards a sense that I would prefer a good movie than a tinder date and grinder is just way too full on for me lol

It’s not some moralising thing either and I’ve had people try to analyse it that way too. I’m totally comfortably bi and about as non conservative as it comes, but I just never really seem to have felt that drive to hook up with random people. It does nothing for me at all.

I think I’m just boring lol.

scullersky

Hey guys, years since I posted on this forum. It's definitely about time again. I'm 31, from Kerry, live in Dublin now the past 2.5 years. I didn't get out too much before lockdown and don't really have any gay mates in Dublin. I really would love to change that. I wouldn't really go out on my own so that is my biggest problem. I tried the dating apps too for dates... Tindr, POF, Grindr etc... I really just wanna start getting out now and meeting new people when everything starts reopening. But for me to do that I'd have to have something planned first with someone. Like one of the above posters, I'm not very camp and not really into it. I've no issue with it, just not for me. Any advice on how to meet lads for mates/dates id appreciate the advice.

Artdeco30

I am venturing back into the dating scene after a long relationship. I could also do with more gay friends - am finally seeing their importance! I happened upon this thread this morning and thought 'Everyone who commented there seems sound. Wouldn't it be great to meet them - maybe go on a group hike or something!'

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118344923#Comment_118344923

Best of luck

Liberty_Bear

My friend runs the Dublin Mens Group on Meet Up, they have been pretty good though quiet with the restrictions.

Im inclined to agree that meeting men can be tough with the restrictions and having done a lot of one night stands, it can be hard when everyone is in either an open relationship or just looking for hook ups.

Tinder is a strange fish, POF is terrible !! Plus being a big lad into other big lads is a bit niche but thats who I am!

Artdeco30

No takers for my hike suggestion then :-)

The thread is about the gay dating scene but as a newbie I'm interested in the fact that it is almost exclusively about apps and meetup groups, with little mention of clubs and bars.

What is the club and bar scene like now? I only did online the first time I was single (It was before apps!!!) because I was terrified of the idea of the George etc. In retrospect I feel I severely restricted the number of people I met by doing this.

I'm a lot more comfortable in my skin now and am in various gay meetup groups. I haven't ventured onto apps yet but will soon - various threads like this have been really helpful if a bit depressing at times!

I'm clueless about the bars and clubs, which as I say I avoided with great determination when single before. What role do they play in the gay scene now? Do people approach strangers in the bars and chat them up or has that all been replaced by the apps?

Any suggestions and advice welcome, including the differences between the venues.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118404587#Comment_118404587

Hey fella

Depends what you are seeking I suppose. With bars closing early its not great at the moment.

I drink in Nealons or Jusrassic as I prefer an older crowd, Street 66 is not a great spot in my experience, Panti gets a nice crown and the main club part of the George is fun

Artdeco30

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118411022#Comment_118411022

Thanks! Yes I guess bars and clubs haven't been at their most vibrant for two years!

I guess ultimately I'm seeking a husband :-) A non-clingy hunk with a brain in his thirties would be ideal. A friend says Frontrunners or Tindr is my best bet.

Why don't you like Street 66, as a matter of interest?

Do people mingle freely/chat up strangers in these places or is it more about groups of friends hanging out now?

Frostynight

OP - I totally get what you're saying. It looked like I wrote what you said! :)

I was about to post a thread here but saw this one. Similar story really. I had a long time off dating (for a mixture of life reasons) and I'm in great shape now, ready to date. I downloaded the usual apps and much of the same situations as described above. I also agree with the 'if we match when I swipe, I'll message you' expecting the same. After all, I'm not there to match for my ego or to pass time.

A month ago I went on a date with a lovely lad who said in his Tinder profile that he wanted something serious. He was 'newly gay', just a few years out, in his mid-thirties. After we slept together, he acted really weird. All considered, I partially don't think he knew what he wanted, and partially wanted all options or to not commit. I said let's move on and he became a real a-hole. Another example of someone going nuclear when they feel rejected.

I matched with a hot lad on Hinge over the weekend. Initially he said he aimed for something more, but later that night asked me if I was open to just fun? No. I didn't sign up to a relationship app for fun. (All the reviews, the app advertising clearly target LTR and the fact that you have to wear clothes, have face pics. talk personality clearly shows it's not about sex).

I opened my Tinder and there's the last week of matches, where they match me and do nothing or I messaged them and nothing happens. WTF? I think I swipe right to about 1-2 out of 10 profiles. So that's 10-20%. How many messages have I sent (e.g. on Hinge) and no replies? 5%? I just don't like these numbers. Honestly I feel a little hopeless at this maze.

Frostynight

Also I like the gay mates option. I'll deffo be getting back on Meetup.com etc. Thanks lads.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118412474#Comment_118412474

No atmosphere for me, then again I prefer an older crowd so maybe Im just a stick in the mud!

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413559#Comment_118413559

Entirely that lads loss mate

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413559#Comment_118413559

Honestly this seems really weird to me that you wont message people on Tinder because of who matched who. Its really simple in my view If you think you like then message them. Anything else (in my view) is overthinking it and an opportunity lost

pauliebdub

The bars are mostly groups of friends meeting up. It's rare to start talking to someone new unless introduced, few people go to bars by themselves unless they want a quiet pint.

A better idea might be to broaden your social circle through joining clubs or groups so that when you do go out the opportunity is there to be introduced to new people.

Someone mentioned that meet ups are for people who have difficulty making friends, nothing could be further from the truth - it's often made up of very sociable people who wish to take up a new activity and meet new people.

Annasopra

Definitely. I have been to a few different meet up events and I find the people at them all very friendly and sociable

Liberty_Bear

Hit the dating scene and so far

One lad who has cancelled twice, told him to go do one

An elderly gent who turned out needs a lot of help

A lad who takes four days to reply to texts (meeting him tomorrow)

I dunno...I think its easier to just go back to being a tramp

AllForIt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118514341#Comment_118514341

I have to say, I've no idea what the dating scene is and hence what your complaining about.

Afaic there is no such thing as a dating scene.

If life you come across people and if your lucky you'll fall in love and have a relationship.

If you don't, fcuk it, there's noting wrong with being single.

I'll never get how people think the can 'look' for a relationship. It doesn't make any sense to me. It never did.

Sometimes I think I'm unusual in thinking like this because so many people seem to think you can just make it happen. You can't make it happen afaic.

When I watch the RTE show Blind Dates or whatever it's called, I just don't get it. Why would you meet up with a complete stranger in the hope you might fall in love with some random person. That to me is the complete opposite of the uniqueness and surprise of falling in love, that you can just do it intentionally like buying something on Amazon.

I would actually agree with your 'being a tramp' comment. Just go out and meet people Be a tramp to meet people. Get off those stupid apps and meet people in real life. Stop trying to make it happen. It happens all by itself.

AodhDub

I just don't get it. Why would you meet up with a complete stranger in the hope you might fall in love with some random person.

Why not? Once you treat it for what it is, and don't pin all your hopes on each date being 'the one', all your left with is the potential for enjoyable evenings with interesting people.

I do know what you mean by "stop trying to make it happen". It does tend to happen when you aren't expecting it. Not sure on the science of why this tends to be the case tho! Law of Attraction, perhaps. But we all know that's pseudoscience...

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118515812#Comment_118515812

Politely buddy I disagree with that. There is a balance to be struck between the two. I run a social group for gay men to give an alternative to clubs, bars and saunas - we do coffee etc. The idea behind it is to create friendships which a lot of have done. In life people will always in some cases like minded people. Example - I follow a League of Ireland team - I want to meet like minded people of my tribe to talk tactics, players, matches etc. This also applies in the dating world - I dip my toe in every couple of months to see who wants to go on a date, I get a few matches with a nicely worded profile and a little bit of personality on it as a person puts out what they want to attract. Im looking for another big lad like myself with a sense of humour, if I dont succeed I dont regret it. And there is a good point to your post, to consistently do such things like seeking dates is fairly counter intuitive, it can come across as desperate, same goes for those who say 'I want a LTR'...you dont just say you want one, you have to be open to one. Im already meeting people through the social group, bars and various other activities Im involved in yet inherently there is a fundamental issue at the basis of meeting men on the gay scene is that we either have to be flexible in exepctations in which case we remain open to most people or rigid in our principles which leads to meeting less.

A side note on being a tramp - I was riding rings around myself last year. Lead to me feeling akin to a hollow shell last November, was awful. Lockdown has lifted now we can meet other men.

Boards Beers @Ten of Swords ? ;)

Frostynight

I am up for Boards Beers. Deffo a few interesting lads here I think I could be mates with.

Liberty_Bear

To cite an example of dating

Date went great Saturday, he seemed interested. He said stay in touch, I text yesterday afternoon is he free this week and he reads it but doesn't respond. I'm disappointed alas but I don't go chasing. Guys let you know they are interested but can't seem to be upfront. This was the first time in over a year and a half I liked a guy!

We shall persevere!

Barna77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118528055#Comment_118528055

Yep, sounds familiar, I'm so used to that.

A couple of weeks ago, this guy I had chatted to years ago came out of his grave and started profusely texting me again. Two days later, he went back to his grave.

Oh well.

Frostynight

Ah God damn.

OK I'm dropping the hope bomb.

A family member of mine met another Boardsie. They are now married, with kids and a house and are terribly happy and the kids killed their freedom but they're the best partners ever.

I am not saying, any Boards Beers is going to mean marriage, but I forgot I did have that beacon of hope above ^^ :D

Suggest a general flakiness, poor coping mechanisms and bullsh1t anxiety issues are really taking off in the younger segments of society(all sexualities). Suggest go out and socialise, sports clubs etc, will meet more motivated people. Also suggext if online look for people 25 and over. The general flakiness goes down as age goes up

mr.anonymous

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532410#Comment_118532410

Could my soul mate be sure to DM me and let me know they're going to the Boards beers... ;)

Frostynight

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117797001#Comment_117797001

You're one of a few people I have this to say to: you were right and I was wrong.

As an idea, I still think it makes sense.

Well today I opened up Tinder, looked at all those matches who matched me and said nothing for some reason I can't understand. I messaged about 4-5. 4 text back, 3 asked me out on a date today and 1 did so within 10 mins of texting (I told him I'm interested, but let's chat first).

I'm not above saying it, somehow, you were right. :)

Barna77

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532410#Comment_118532410

I forgot to mention, I met an ex here!

Annasopra

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532607#Comment_118532607

Well thats good news. Hope the dates go well. And I'm always right 😋

Liberty_Bear

Well Im thinking of heading out Saturday for a few beers with a mate, maybe about 9...! Just mentioning it ;)

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532430#Comment_118532430

As much as I want to disagree with this, there is an element of truth within its core. I go for over 30 in general ..not to say that its fixed in stone but as the years progress , maturity sets in. With that mind I have met 60 year olds who are emotionally immature and 25 year olds who would seem older beyond their younger years.

AllForIt

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118516469#Comment_118516469

From what you say you seem to be meeting loads of people as it is. I take it your not living in rural Ireland where I can see online dating is of some use, because there is scant alternative unless you want to spend your weekends travelling up to Dublin.

See the way it has worked for me is, you see someone, socially, and for some reason you are really keen. That's how love works, it's inexplicable. That's how love starts and all I'm saying is it can't be forced. Being in a relationship isn't about wanting to be in a relationship, like some business transaction, it's about being in love with someone and only because of that do you want to be in a relationship (with them), not for the sake of being in a relationship.

For me love relationships are neither desirable or undesirable. If they happen they happen, if they don't, so what. You can still play around.

But I do get some people see this differently than I do so maybe there is no right or wrong here. I had a gay male friend who when his partner left him he told me he was 'seeing' 5 guys at the same time since (as a 'replacement') and ended up one of them has been his partner for years. But I always noted he would describe himself as 'single' many times and I just found that odd, as if being 'single' to him meant he wasn't up to scratch and he desperately had to do something about it to up his self esteem. That's all totally alien to me, and I don't envy his way of looking at it, as it all comes across as a bit desperate.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118548407#Comment_118548407

That is pretty similar to advice I have given to younger lads. Its why dating is to be taken with a pinch of salt. Im a people person so going in with zero expectations creates for an all round better experience. I'm in Dublin but can appreciate that being in the country options might not be a bountiful as up here in Dublin. Burdening oneself with an expectation of a relationship so suddenly serves to only make a person deluded. Ive a few lads that keep me sorted sexually and we are in agreeance, these lads and I that we want no more from each other .

Liberty_Bear

Ive parked the dating for a while. On the surface it was fun but I just found the experience over all exhausting as there was a lot of lads into me that I was not into and vice versa. Decided to reel my neck in and go back to looking for mates with benefits as that gives me the emotional scope to not look for anything serious but just enjoy it if it comes my way. Treading the waters of the dating scene is only a task I tend to do once or twice a year, rest of the time Im devoted to other pursuits or riding rings around myself !