Ex broke up with me because of lockdown restrictions but now wants me back

notAMember

Look, where were you before this? You weren’t living together after years of a relationship , with him in his 30’s.

He is emotional, and can’t deal with it. He runs away to hide when stressed. And is leaving you in the dark about what happened in that time. Were there other women? Was this his way of having a fling without it technically being cheating? We were on a break?

Where would you see this going? Marriage, children, a life together. The signs are not good if he doesn’t listen to your perspective when you disagree. He’d also be a pretty useless parent if he ran away when you were pregnant, or refused to vaccinate your children. There are a lot of stressful times in life OP. Take this as a good glimpse into the future.

I think you can do better. There are much nicer and more emotionally stable men out there than this fellow.

HildaOgdenx

OP, he has treated you very badly. The break up is one thing, these things happen, and as has been said, it was a peculiar time for all of us, and many relationships, both romantic and family suffered along the way. But it's the refusal to discuss this, like a grown up, and the keeping you dangling and now casually deciding that he will get back with you...that would have me running a mile.

Something that stood out for me in your OP was the phrase he used 'we'll see in the future'. Have you ever been in the supermarket and heard a small child asking for sweets, or can we go to McDonalds and the parent answering 'we'll see'? That's fine in that context, (it means no, most likely), but anyway, I digress.

He does not get to decide whether or not the relationship will resume, he just doesn't. You obviously have loads going for you. Even the way that you have responded to the posts here, some of which may have been difficult to hear/ read, shows you are someone with lots to offer.

As I said, personally I would run a mile. But I'm not you, and at the end of the day, it's your life. I certainly would not be rushing to get back into that relationship. Don't beat yourself up about what you should or should not have done, or have seen. I doubt that there are many of us posting here, who haven't made mistakes in relationships and taken some hard knocks along the way.

 What is the male version of a diva called? He can get very frustrated and like things to be done his way or no way. I do find I have to try and calm him down a lot, he can get overwhelmed and anxious about situations like for instance, catching covid-19 although he is healthy and has no underlying health complaints. It did irritate me that he is so anti-vaccine because he is terrified of any possible side effects. I am a lot more easy going and can laugh off stressful situations whereas he finds it a bit more difficult. However, he has a brilliant sense of humour and when things are good between us it feels amazing and i honestly pictured us to spend out lives together.

Just reread that to yourself. As a pp has said, imagine bringing children into the equation. And I imagine, OP, being the one who has to always be easy going and talking another adult out of a strop wears pretty thin after a while, and even thinner if there are children in the mix.

Once again, fair dues to you for the way you have taken all the responses here. I think it certainly has given you food for thought. I know you mentioned talking to friends and family. I also think you would benefit from talking to a counsellor.

It can be a little harder sometimes, for those close to us, to remain objective. And should the relationship continue, they will be worrying about anything they might have said about him. I'm not trying to put you off speaking to them, in fact I think it's a great sign that you are thinking of doing so.

All the best, OP, you deserve so much better.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117848371#Comment_117848371

I’d put money on that’s on purpose on his part re keeping you ‘on the hook’. He hasn’t shut you off, he’s kept you dangling. Waiting for if or when it suits him. I’m sorry to say that you’re very far from his priority. I truly suspect that he’s engaging in contact with you because he’s planning (for himself) to move back towards Dublin, and he wouldn’t mind an easy casual relationship.

I genuinely think there is no real relationship to salvage, it was gone when lockdown started. Move on.

moritz1234

You use the word "They" quiet a few times op - so I assume it's not a typo ?

<mod Snip> Do not offer diagnosis on line. your judgment is clouded - your heart is ruling your head.

For your own sake - leave him as your EX

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117851958#Comment_117851958

I shared my situation on this forum looking for advice or a fresh perspective on my relationship and I genuinely do appreciate each and every comment that has been left.

I spoke about my feelings last night to my housemate and she said that she can definitely see that I shouldn't be treated like this but to play the devil's advocate she also put the idea that we'll maybe he thinks what is the point in pursuing a relationship with me if we can't move forward and progress into maybe moving in together or making more of a commitment to eachother. That maybe he feels like I do love her but this relationship isn't working for me because of the distance and I want more of my emotional/ physical needs met.

To be honest I heard the words she said but my head is so fried I can't even really take it in and I wish he would just communicate this all to me rather than leaving it until the end of September or October when he has a better idea of what his work situation would be.

Akrasia

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117853832#Comment_117853832

Why don't you take him back on a trial basis to see how he treats you and how you still feel about him. Let him know its on your terms but give him the chance to show that he is serious about making it work in the long term

Taking him back is not a commitment to staying with him forever.

Big Bag of Chips

If your relationship was his priority he wouldn't be waiting until October to see what his work situation is going to be. My cousin spent a year in Australia. Met an Australian man in a bar a week before she flew home. She lasted 3 months at home and then moved back to Australia. They are now married with children.

People's work lives are constantly moving and changing. Your housemate makes it sound like it's a toss up between Dublin and home, and if he can continue working from home he'll stay. If he's back in the office, he'll pick back up with you.

I'm not sure what he expects to change in his home situation though. He's at home to help out because his parents need the help. If he is back in the office, does than mean his parents are going to suddenly not need help then?

I don't know. I know where you are coming from, and I think you probably feel like you do have to give it a chance. It's been a funny old year where nothing was straightforward. But, as another poster mentioned, just because you agree to get back with him doesn't mean you have to continue the relationship. You can always finish with him if it's not working for you. Think about what you want from the relationship. What you want to be different from last time round. What you are willing to compromise on and what you are no longer willing to compromise on? For a relationship to work both parties have to make compromises. He doesn't get to have everything his way with you making all the concessions.

Have it clear in your head what you want from this relationship and if after a (short) period of time you find you're not getting it, then you have every right to call it a day.

Your feelings, wants, needs are equally as important as his. I don't think you realise that.

SunnySundays

If you knew it was a good idea to give him another chance tou would have done it already.

You know it's a bad idea, know he has treated you badly doesn't see you as and equal and is still messing with your head.

What I think you are hoping for is someone to find a way to explain away or justify his **** behaviour which would allow you to convince yourself that things may be different this time, or that he's worth a second chance. You want it to be different, you want him to be different but no one her can give you that, as it won't be any different.

Sounds like your brain gets it but your heart is taking longer to catch up which is the same as most of us after a break up. It's **** and there's no real way of accelerating it. People make all sorts of situations work if they really want to be with someone, don't put up with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve.

Smiley283

"What I think you are hoping for is someone to find a way to explain away or justify his **** behaviour which would allow you to convince yourself that things may be different this time, or that he's worth a second chance. You want it to be different, you want him to be different but no one her can give you that, as it won't be any different"

Honestly, I read that paragraph and instantly felt like you have hit the nail on the head there. I can look at myself in the mirror and feel comfortable in my own skin, obviously like most women my age I have minor things about my appearence i wish were slightly different but over all I love and appreciate my body and features.

I'm confident, sociable and friendly and I would like to think I'm a kind person. I know I am a good catch and I do feel like my family and friends appreciate having me in their lives. I just go about my life day to day never really checking in on myself and thinking "oh amnt I just great.. God's gift over here" haha, if you get me. However, now I am sitting here like well, if I do have such healthy self esteem why have I found myself in the situation? Am i too trusting that he has my best interests at heart to let the past few months slide? Is he too good at explaining away bad behavior. Did he ever really feel that strongly about me? Can I even trust him anymore?

But yeah, I feel like the penny is only just beginning to drop for me and it still has further to fall. Obviously in an ideal world my ex and I would see eachother more regularly and all these covid restrictions wouldn't have occurred, but we don't live in an ideal world. **** happens and life is problems but living is working through them. As one poster put it my ex's response to stressful/ less than ideal situations was to walk away from me but to still keep contacting me without answering bassically any of my questions. I can barely remember the summer if I'm honest because I feel like I've been going through the motions of work/ life on auto pilot in a haze of confusion. If he wanted to break up with me that is fair enough but he really shouldn't have told me that we would get back together in the future. I currently feel right now I would have rathered spent the summer crying and grieving the relationship because who knows, I could be out the other side at this stage. I'm not going to lie though, I still want to see him face to face to discuss what has been going on all these months. I just want to get the opportunity to listen to what he has to say to me. I think I would regret it if I was stubborn and didn't have that conversation. I definitely think things are going to be up and down for me for the next few weeks and I'll probably go back and forth on what decision I'll make based off my mood on any given day but I think a seed of realisation has been planted. Thank you to everyone who has replied. It has honestly helped me so much and given me loads to think about. If anyone else has anything to add that would be of value, please do.

Thank you all.

TheadoreT

I still haven't read anything to suggest you weren't just an irregular hook up to him and you're still basically putting your life on hold while he's likely getting in with his.

Was their holidays? Weekend trips? Did he spoil you on your birthday or Xmas?

I feel you may be falling into the all too common trap where you mistook the highs of momentary attention from someone indifferent to you as a deep connection. Some people genuinely fall deeper into infatuation the worse they're treated and its really a problematic route to go down.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117855392#Comment_117855392

Well, we attended numerous family weddings together. We went on 2 foreign weekend breaks together and went on a sun holiday together in 2019 as part of our friend group.

As we both were apart of the same group of friends for a year before we got into a relationship we spent that year going on group nights out and getting to know eachother and ended up eventually kissing etc which led to us deciding to get into a relationship with one another.

We would take it in turns every few months to travel to our family homes where we grew up and stay to get to know each others families better etc so I thought things were pretty normal in our relationship

rain on

Honestly, if he was really, really into you he would never have broken up with you and done the "maybe we'll get back together in future" thing, because he would have been worried you'd get snapped up by someone else in the interim. He wasn't fussed about that, though.

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117858711#Comment_117858711

Agreed. Even if you leave aside the fear of your loved one getting snapped up by someone else, why would you damage your relationship like this? I think there's more to this relationship than the OP being a booty call/deliveroo. But I also think he's not half as committed to it as OP is. She's more of a Miss You'll Do For Now rather than Miss Right.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117858711#Comment_117858711

I was sort of hoping all along that the reason he broke up with me was the distance and our arguments and that he didn't want to ruin the relationship further and wanted to maybe try to preserve it.

and that if he came back it would be when the main reasons for our arguments (distance) was resolved but I guess I have to accept that you're probably right

HildaOgdenx

Your feelings, wants, needs are equally as important as his. I don't think you realise that.

I'm quoting the above from a post by Big Bag of Chips. I think this is something you really need to get your head around. I said it in a post earlier in the thread too. He doesn't get to decide whether the relationship continues or not. There are two people whose views, feelings and needs count here.

I genuinely think you would benefit from counselling. It would give you a chance to talk all of this out with someone, and to take a step back and evaluate what YOU want, from this, or indeed any other relationship in the future.

Idle Passerby

His motives aren't genuine. The break up makes no sense. You weren't spending time together due to distance/lockdown, were arguing over the phone so he broke up with you but kept in touch? That to me reads like he was getting irritated by the arguements, ending "the relationship" meant that the arguements were put on hold and you were effectively silenced but he could still keep you on the hook for potentially reigniting it if he ever decided he wanted to. And he's still doing that now. Your waiting for him to say whether your back together or not. He's using you as a doormat. If you do take him back, it gives him the green light to treat you as an option rather than give you any real commitment.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117852961#Comment_117852961

OP, ignore such kind of advice. Nobody, even if perfectly qualified, would offer a diagnosis like this based on a few posts. Don’t let people confuse you.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117865781#Comment_117865781

Yeah the word narcissist is thrown around very casually these days. It's quite a rare condition. It's almost used as a defense mechanism by people who can't cope with someone not being that into them and feel the need to diagnose a mental condition upon them to make themselves feel better. Would imagine a solid 90%+ people who've labelled their ex's as narcissists are wrong.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117866995#Comment_117866995

Agreed.

Smiley283

I just wanted to give everyone an update on what has happened since.

I've been texting my ex everyday since the government announcement. I had taken on board everyone had said on this thread and I also had opened up to my family and close friends about my relationship which really helped me process everything.

To be honest I just genuinely wanted to finally get the opportunity to speak to my ex face to face to just get everything thrashed out and a sense of closure because my gut was telling me that I couldn't continue the relationship but I would be lying if a part of me wasn't wishing that a magic wand could be waved and everything between us could be resolved.

Today he got confirmation from work that he won't be returning to the office, at least until after Christmas and that isn't even confirmed. So he bassically ended things with me (again, if that is even possible).

Thank you to everyone who contributed to the discussion. I really appreciated it.

Big Bag of Chips

Block his number now. There is no need to continue contact with him. A relationship with you comes far down his list of priorities. There are more things ahead of you on the list, and a relationship with you will only happen if it is convenient for him and it slots into his life with little effort or upset to his routine.

It'll be difficult to let this go. But I think your best bet is blocking him. Tonight. He's not coming back. Not until after the new year, and then he MIGHT be back and expect you to still be waiting for him.

Don't be waiting for him.

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Ah that must be so hard. It’s like you grew to realise this might happen, but hell it’s still tough going.

I truly believe it’s better that you’re fully aware from his recent actions what he’s like, but not easy. To try to look on the bright side, at least you know now, and can move on. I know that sounds like the worst cliche, but I think most of us have been there when cold harsh reality hits - but time is genuinely a healer.

Look after yourself, and prioritise yourself. And please do block him. I recall a friend of mine years ago saying to me “he’s never going to be good enough to you, and he’s never going to want to make you happy”. At the time, I thought she was being pretty mean, but she was 100% correct. That phrase has always stuck with me. Not in a ‘princess syndrome’ way - but I think anyone that totally prioritises themselves, with no effort towards their partner’s happiness, well it’s just not going to end well.

Onwards and upwards OP, treat yourself, and engage with good people in your life. I hope you’re ok.

hesaidshesaid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Just catching up on this thread, you misunderstood me when I said you already knew what to do. I meant you should walk away.

It’s irrelevant now as this guy has shown his true colours. His only priority is himself, this is very unlikely to ever change.

You wanted a different outcome, of course, and I’m confident you’ll get it. But not with this guy.

Let him go, he would never have made you happy and you would have spent all your time trying to figure him out.

You sound like a really lovely person. Move on, your life is too short for guys who can’t see that!

Zak Flaps

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117887591#Comment_117887591

Hope you're ok.

I agrees with the last few posters.....block this guy's number.

Move on.

As far as i can see, you've dodged a bullet there.

Mongfinder General

What a prick. Block him and move him. Imagine if you’d settled down with this tool and were 10 years down the line with kids and a mortgage. You should be dancing for the street.

Smiley283

Hi again,

I know I was advised to block his number but I didn't because I knew I wouldn't be rushing to contact him and honestly thought he wouldn't be contacting me.

I exchanged around 6 texts over the weekend with him and he is still saying "sure ill be back in the office in January so we can always see how things go then" to which my response is a firm "Eh, no thankyou".

I asked him what was stopping him all summer from renting a new room closer to Dublin when he could have freely travelled to the farm at the weekends and he said he "never even considered that option". I'm here thinking we'll maybe if you hadn't have broken up with me and gave me the opportunity to discuss it we could have come to the most obvious solution together.

I asked him was he seeing someone over the summer and he said he joined tinder and was on a few dates and there's one girl inparticular he has been on a few dates with because "sure we had broke up and we were both entitled to live our lives and if you had met someone else i wouldn't have held it against you".

WHAT.

I removed him from social media and have blocked him on whatsapp.

You are not and have never been a priority for this guy. I'm sorry OP, it does hurt, but you know you deserve to be a priority for someone.

Glad you have blocked him, don't be tempted to unblock.

Smiley283

Just out of curiosity, In this situation he said from the outset that he had intentions of possibly getting back with me in the future and I just feel like you shouldn't be actively going out on dates during this time frame. Dates to me are used when you're trying to build a connection with someone new. However, I know with covid nightlife isn't like what it used to be but it isn't impossible either to go out and kiss someone in the pub after a few drinks which I don't think I would have held against my ex.

If you were to ignore everything else that went on between us this summer would anyone be of the similar mindset to him? Like, yeah fair enough you both were single and entitled to do what you both wanted during that time apart but kissingor sleeping with a randomer is a lot different to actually taking the time to set up a tinder account and organise dates?

Just curious to hear other people's perspectives on this.

Jequ0n

You weren’t together, so I am surprised that it hadn’t occurred to you that he was seeing other people. I’d have dated other people, too. Why not?

You had assumed that you were both on the same page, but that can’t really be held against him.

And why do you keep obsessing about this person who doesn’t want to be with you?

qwerty13

My perspective is that he completely suits himself, he displayed zero consideration for you by dangling a non-existent possibility of getting back together, he lied that the split was covid/location related, when it suited him to go back to his home place he replaced you with casual hook-ups - and still kept you on the hook in case he was moving back near Dublin.

He is not a nice person, and you will only be lining yourself up for hurt if you go near this selfish idiot again. For your own sake, please stop engaging with him and trying to work through his pathetic attempts at justifying himself. I cannot believe he is STILL trying to keep you on the hook. The absolute nerve of him.

Hannibal_Smith

I wonder is he really on Tinder or was that just a response to you turning down his January suggestion?

Honestly don't spend any more time on a post mortem of what he's said. I wouldn't have expected him to have joined up on Tinder either TBH and certainly wouldn't have expected that if he did and found someone he really liked he'd be contacting you to see if you wanted to get back together.

He's just a head wreck. Stop going over it and start putting it behind you would be my suggestion. I'm sorry it's ended this way for you though.

Big Bag of Chips

Once he finished with you you were only ever an option. You were an option to keep him company if/when he was in Dublin. And someone else was company in the west.

Its probably a good thing that you didn't block him straight away, because at least now you got to the root of it.

This wasn't a brief relationship. This wasn't a casual thing between you both. You felt you were in a long term relatively stable relationship. But even your description of how your relationship was conducted pointed to him not being as invested.

But, whilst you were in the middle of it, you believed you were both on the same page. A reasonable assumption to make.

Move on now. You'll find someone better suited to you. And you'll be more aware of what you want from a relationship and if it's being offered to you. You don't have to accept bitty scraps from a self-centred man. Not all men are like him.

laoisgem

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117920600#Comment_117920600

This OP.

You keep questioning his thinking in all this, what about your thinking? Why were you allowing him to treat you like that?

HildaOgdenx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117920630#Comment_117920630

Just picking up on qwerty's final comment there, 'the nerve of him'. Sometimes OP, you need to find your anger in a situation where someone mistreats you. And obviously, I don't mean put on your boxing gloves. Except inwardly.

Try to think to yourself -'who the hell do you think you are, to treat me like that. Go and scratch (polite version) if you ever think you can get back into my life, you...'

You get my drift.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117921800#Comment_117921800

I agree, I didn't really have any reaction to the situation I found myself in for the past few months because so little was said between us about it apart from exchanging texts every few weeks.

I just got on with things and lived my life as I would have normally. No tears were shed and there were no sleepless nights thinking about this.

I didnt really go into much detail on the whole situation with family or friends until late August because I couldn't even articulate what was going on so I couldn't even form any emotion to the situation if you can understand what I mean.

I havent cried over it because I can focus on what has actually happened now and thank god I dodged a bullet. As silly as it sounds I keep listening to the song IDGAF by dua lipa, haha.

I wouldnt say I am obsessed with my ex. I think after knowing someone for so many years it would be normal to give it all more than two fleeting thoughts. I found the honesty of the comments left here really helpful in absorbing what happened and am really glad I was able to anonymously seek advice and opinions from you all.

I amn't going to order our friend group to disassociate with him and I know that I am eventually going to end up in social situations where he is there so just going to avoid attending them and hang out in smaller groups and with other friend groups until I feel ready again.

Someone described him as a tool here and I genuinely think he is. I know I am a catch and I already know I havent processed my emotions and collected my thoughts fully. I'm sure it'll come in time and I just have to put it all down to experience.

Sort of left here questioning my personality right now. Realising my easy going nature isn't ideal for relationships and I should be more assertive. I was always the kind of person growing up that as long as my feelings weren't hurt I have been happy to go along with things and won't kick up a fuss if things aren't in my favour. I never thought of it as a confidence issue because I have always felt confident in myself. I am in a demanding career where I need to bring my 'A-game' everyday so outside of it I like things to be chilled. I definitely have a lot to reassess and sit back and take time for myself before I consider dating again.

Thank you everyone.

TheadoreT

Sounds like he'd have made a clean break by now if you weren't both part of a friends group. He knows he'll likely see you again so is trying to fade it and hope you'll take the hint eventually imo. Hopefully you have now for your sake.

Don't change too much, your personality probably isn't bad for dating, it just wasnt suited to that particular person. It's important to learn lessons but imo the main one is to be able to carry on without letting this weigh you down emotionally. I found it the biggest obstacle in dating to navigate women who had so much negative experiences built up they became fragments of their true selves. You knew what was in front of you was a staged version of how they thought they should act to counteract past experiences.

And don't leave it too long, he's out there trying to shag all and sundry, that doesn't sound like something worth spending valuable life time grieving over, we're not young for that long.

Big Bag of Chips

Realising my easy going nature isn't ideal for relationships and I should be more assertive. I was always the kind of person growing up that as long as my feelings weren't hurt I have been happy to go along with things and won't kick up a fuss if things aren't in my favour. 

Don't change this! Just be more selective about who you give this side of yourself too.

SunnySundays

Any chance you are on holiday with a new guy and he's posting the other thread?

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117925536#Comment_117925536

Haha, no I checked out that thread and that isn't me. Guess I amnt the only person that's relationship broke down because of lockdown restrictions.

Tork

The way I see it, the covid restrictions saved you from wasting more of your time on somebody who wasn't as invested in this relationship.

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926029#Comment_117926029

That's actually a great way to frame my breakup. I know I have to digest and release all my emotions but I am already looking forward to meeting someone new that respects me.

Tork

But you still think covid broke you up? And if it hadn't, you'd be happy with the crumbs from the table that he was throwing you?

Smiley283

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117926140#Comment_117926140

Yeah I did think that the restrictions and distance was the crux of the matter but from actually opening up on the breakup I can see that it wasn't the case.

I really wanted the opportunity to meet up with him to just talk it through but yeah definitely, crumbs is all that he was giving me and I really see how terribly I have been treated. Glad that I can close this chapter and look forward to the next one.

qwerty13

Smiley, I just saw your post on another thread. It all makes so much sense now. You’re not continuing to accept an obviously abusive relationship, but you are continuing to accept one where your needs are nowhere - not recognised at all, and one where you have no voice.

I questioned your description of “helplessly in love” in the early stages of this thread. You’ve put various things down to your easy going personality. These are not good things Smiley. You’re continuing to erase yourself in a relationship. It would be great if you can talk to a professional regarding why you don’t seem to value yourself, or your needs, in a relationship. You’ve moved on from an obviously abusive relationship - but not one where you’re left hanging, and seem to bury your own needs - and then question why the guy who used you and gaslighted you might have some merits.

You really need to open up about why you are in abusive relationships (thankfully decreasing in levels of abuse). Please do speak to a valued friend, and preferably a professional.

notAMember

Smiley, you were benched. Or maybe you know it as cushioned.

He put you on pause, like a plan B, while he went off to look for other women.

Happy to hear you didn’t tolerate it, it’s no way to treat someone, speaks volumes about him. No honest guy would do it.

B.A._Baracus

Yeah, if it were me in your shoes I'd tell him to piss off.

Just a bloody user. Sure remember during the first lockdown so many were getting pets? Well according to the news thousands trying to off load said pets now cause everything is opening back. I mention it because its the selfish nature some people have.

For you op, he tossed you a side when he didn't have a need for you anymore. So tell him to f off lol.

teddy6

I only read your thread today. I think you've made the right decision but I can see how difficult it has been for you and that it may be difficult for a while to come.

We learn something from every relationship that we are in. The last relationship I was in I learned that it is important to assert boundaries. Like yourself I am easy-going and felt that having certain expectations and "demands" are crossing a line. I now know that clear boundaries and stating expectations is really important.

I've also learned that just because you are 100% invested in someone doesn't always mean that they are on the same page.

There is no doubt he was keeping you in his life as some sort of backup, so to speak. This is low and it's not something a person does if they have any sort of love for you, even as a friend. You deserve sooooo much more than this. You have dodged a bullet, for sure.

i felt early on in the thread that he was out dating other people and this turned out to be the case, whereas you were breaking yourself trying to figure out a way to make the relationship work.

I've looked a lot into the idea of attachment. I believe that we get attached to people because of the amazing experiences we've had with them in the past and we're clinging onto these in the hope that we can have similar experiences in the future. It's really tough to work through this and face the fact that this is the past and not going to be your future.

I'm delighted that you have so much more going on in your life and have a job that you can focus on.

Life is too short to focus on someone who doesn't think that you their everything.