Cheating on your OH

Potential-Monke

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996121#Comment_117996121

Oh if I had a time machine, yes, I would totally have dived head first into that, because stuff like that just doesn't happen to me. I definitely cried the following day. In private. Then again, I probably wouldn't have been worth a vvank anyway!

And I've no doubt in my mind that if I find myself in a similar position again, I probably won't be able to go ahead with it again. I get woeful guilt just thinking about cheating, I'd be a mess if I actually did.

snotboogie

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996093#Comment_117996093

Why do you need to project some grand malevolence onto it? Some people just do not view sex as particularly sacred.

SupplyandDemandZone

I know several women that do it regularly some of them in long term relationships and some married (happily). I guess for some people it's just unnatural to go their whole life with one sexual partnership and i can understand that.

Wanderer78

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996627#Comment_117996627

...but what about the emotional needs within relationships??

JupiterKid

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117995662#Comment_117995662

PM - Hmmmm..... where did I post on this thread that I had cheated on a partner/boyfriend before? 🤔🤨

I have never cheated on anyone for the record, but was cheated on myself on two occasions (many years ago now).

I posted that I am in a gay male LTR which is an open relationship with agreed and defined boundaries. Big, big difference...

pgj2015

never cheated on anyone but got cheated on.

was propositioned by someone for an affair behind her partners back, would love to if she was single (have been with her when she was single) but she is not. Often wonder will I regret turning down propositions like that on my death bed because I dont even know the guy, met him once or twice and he was an ignorant fecker towards me, and you can be sure if I was with someone most guys would hook up with her knowing she wasn't single.

Potential-Monke

@JupiterKid My sincerest apologies, for some reason I have your name associated with the rainbow Boards icon, it was someone else. Just me not paying enough attention!

@snotboogie Because it's one of the worst (to use your word, malevolent) things you can do to someone imo. I've no problem if people want to ride around, but to be in a monogamous relationship and ride around is a horrible thing to do. Yeah, fair enough, some people don't assign sacristy to sex, but the vast majority do, especially if you're supposed to be in a monogamous relationship. And if people have some set up between them and their partner that they can ride around, grand, it's out in the open and agreed upon. Doing it behind your partners back, the person you're supposed to love, is complete scummy behaviour. My comment was also based on the few people I knew who regularly did it, they definitely got a kick from it and would crap themselves at the thought of their OH finding out. Just my experience is all. If you can't stick with one person and there are no open relationship agreements, then you're pure scum to be cheating behind their back. End the relationship and ride all you want then. To do otherwise, without prior agreement with the OH, puts you up there as horrible human scum. IMO.

Gregor Samsa

Very disappointing thread. I was expecting tips.

chrissb8

No never could and probably never will. That said, circumstance is a factor and saying it's clear cut yes or no is not the truth. Many relationships out there where the dynamic is abusive, manipulative and coercive without a way out. Be it kids or other circumstances keeping the relationship going. In cases like that, the emotional response to someone showing them true affection after suffering within an entrapping relationship can see them fall into "cheating".

Otherwise good old fashion cheating is just terrible. When you get in a relationship with someone you give the most sensitive parts of yourself to that person. You invest love, time, effort with another and trust them to do so in kind. To betray that all is just flat out wrong and something I will never be able to conceptualise.

JupiterKid

@Potential-Monke - No offense taken, no worries. Yep - the username icons can be confusing.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996615#Comment_117996615

I might be wrong but I've noticed that many sexually abused in their childhood people are acting out and are treating sex no better than spitting or going to toilet. Just a pure physiological thing. And they are not even aware that they had been robbed of something very important...

Dr Turk Turkelton

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117999409#Comment_117999409

Don't eat yellow snow.

Mr Burny

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117973797#Comment_117973797

Isn’t that why some people were against the referendum for the gays being able to get married? As you say most relationships the gays have are open - do they take marriage seriously?

MSVforever

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996627#Comment_117996627

Do their partner/husband know about this?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117999521#Comment_117999521

Do you realise how bad that reads? Particularly the last line.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117999769#Comment_117999769

That's why sexual abuse is a horrid crime.

JoChervil

Deleted

Only other cheaters will think it’s ok, everyone else will think of you as an untrustworthy shitbag.

Tony EH

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117996615#Comment_117996615

It's not about the sex. It's about the betrayal of the trust that someone has given you. It's telling that you and the posters that thanked your post missed that with spectacular inacuracy.

snotboogie

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118000757#Comment_118000757

Nothing you said has anything to do with what I posted :/

The question was how would guys who were cheating feel if their wives did the same. My response on people having different attitudes to sex was a response to the incredulity that any person could be OK with their partner going behind their back. Most people wouldn't like it but some people genuinely don't care. Like I said people are different!

Tony EH

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118000919#Comment_118000919

Fair enough.

However, there seems to be an attitude by some on here that it's ok in any situation and that it can be excused. There's a "malevolence" assigned to it because in most cases, the vast majority, it's done behind someone's back.

If the couple are in a relationship where either one doesn't care who the other screws, well then that's their business and assuming that they let the other people they're screwing know what the story is and they're ok with it too, then Bob's yer uncle.

But, that type of situation is few and far between and those types of people and relationships are rare, to put it mildly.

Yurt2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117973797#Comment_117973797

Cities, communities, value systems, polities, equal treatment before the law yadda yadda and everything that makes humans above sh*t flinging apes are social constructs as well. A critical mass of people adhering to monogamy and building stable accountable families and communities where people could look each other in the eye without tearing each other's heads off was and is part of the secret sauce that allowed humanity to develop beyond hunter-gatherer stages.

The only societies that practice free for all sexual partnering mediated by violence (which is inevitable taken to its natural conclusion) are those chucking spears in the Amazon or the bush in Papua New Guinea, or certain Arab cultures riven with misogyny that lucked out with oil wealth to backstop polygamy.

Church on Tuesday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117969038#Comment_117969038

Leave the relationship then.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118010241#Comment_118010241

Isn't there a certain inevitability to things going a bit stale in that department, in the fullness of time?

Mad_maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118010241#Comment_118010241

Which usually means leaving the house behind you and sleeping on a couch somewhere

Church on Tuesday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/117969038#Comment_117969038

Leave the relationship then.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011443#Comment_118011443

I'm not talking about marriage rather relationships.

But if things have gone stale in a marriage try and fix things, if that can't be done get a divorce and be more aware of what you're getting into next time.

Easier said than done but there's no guarantee of anything in this life, never mind marriage, so if you do decide to tie the knot be prepared for a possible and costly exit from it too.

I'm of the mind you leave marriage till much later in life and with someone you are totally sure about but that's for another thread.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011648#Comment_118011648

Sex Ed? Surely studying your parents’ dynamic will give you greater insight than that.

Church on Tuesday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011648#Comment_118011648

It entirely depends on how much effort you put into a relationship/marriage.

If you start taking the other person for granted you're going to have problems down the line. You've got to put effort in and the courting process never really should end. It's supposed to be fun.

A lot of the time when people "fall out" of love it's because of the above ( can sometimes be other mitagating factors) and then people get shocked about how they got cheated on or got found out regarding same or got dumped out of the blue.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011576#Comment_118011576

I think its often much easier for one half of a couple(or both) to have an affair rather than divorce, nobody cant predict how their spouse(or themselves) will change over the course of a marriage so, knowing(or being sure of) what their getting into is a moot point. Nobody can predict the future, but nothing stays the same.

No one believes their OH would cheat on them in a marriage until they find out they have, that's the irony, we can only speak for ourselves

Church on Tuesday

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011722#Comment_118011722

People change certainly, but the whole point of marriage is to be with one person for the rest of your life.

So if that is going to be the case, leave marriage until later in that relationships lifespan. No one can predict the future but you should, by all accounts, be much more sure of a partner after 8 or 10 years then after 3 years.

There are outliers to that of course, every relationship/marriage circumstances is different.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011648#Comment_118011648

All men are in captivity, active with captive activity, and the best won't breed, though they don't know why. The great cage of our domesticity kills sex in a man, the simplicity of desire is distorted and twisted awry.

D.H Lawerence

Another read that should be on the sex ed curriculum is Esther Perel's book "Mating in Captivity".

As you say, if people enjoy sex, marriage is not for them

Tony EH

I don't think marriage is for anyone that looks at it as "captivity".

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118011669#Comment_118011669

Or any of the older married couples around you. I'm pretty sure virtually everyone knows deep down that the 'loved up' early stages of a relationship is not going to last more than a few years but they're on such a romantic high they convince themselves their marriage will be different...

If I was being cynical I could say Jimmy Carr had the last word on (very) long-term relationships, from the male perspective...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WJ3_mkMefsE