Complications with lifelong family friends...

Oscar Madison

I had a family that used to stay with us in our home periodically but we were

treated more like a baby sitting service rather than guests coming to visit us!

Wasn't expecting anything from them in either gifts or cash but it didn't end well unfortunately!

notAMember

It is definitely a lot of hassle having people stay over. Bed linen and towels to be cleaned. Bathrooms, I’d usually have the house a bit cleaner if someone is visiting rather than if it’s us on our own. And there’s more washup, bins etc.

And if the sister was also looking after her brother with a broken leg… I can honestly see how they must have been at their wits end.

You say you always brought your own food… did you bring enough for them or just for you? Do all the cooking and the cleaning?

Can I ask, have you ever had them to stay with you?

I tell you, I have a friend who does this to a lesser extent and even that pisses me off … invites himself over for dinner maybe every two months or so. Appears with a box of biscuits for us, and beer for himself (no beer for us) Proceeds to eat all round him, 30 euro of food, maybe a glass of wine too. Doesn’t do the wash up and never ever invites us over for food in his place. Now, he’s good company and we like him being around, but we have had words about us being taken for granted.

dont consider the friendship over, but do be more mindful of balance. Invite them out for dinner, or to your place. Don’t invite yourself over.

Jequ0n

When I read your OP I thought that you were genuinely looking for outside perspectives because you were thrown by your friend's comments, and needed an outside opinion. Looking at your follow up posts it's clear that this is not what you were looking for, and that you had been hoping to hear that your friends were being unreasonable. Even the title of your thread gives it away in hindsight.

I'd be a hypocrite if I criticised someone for acting out when being rejected, but I got to tell you that you are not doing yourself a favor here. Do you know how many times people put up boundaries for me which enraged me, because I couldn't understand them, or because their viewpoint didn't really interest me? And how many times I burned bridges as a consequence? You want to think very carefully what you want from this relationship because you will lose it if you keep up your victim role.

Big Bag of Chips

The fact that when your friend said no to you staying again in a few weeks your response instead of taking the hint that you were outstaying your welcome was "should I have given you money" shows that you really don't get it.

If someone says no to your request to stay with them you say, "that's ok. No bother", and you don't ask again. You make alternative arrangements. You don't go questioning why and if you should pay them. Paying them would be an insult to be honest. Friends don't tend to charge friends for over night stays. But - friends also should read the room and realise when they are becoming an imposition.

Kalimah

You sound like a nice person OP. If it was me I’d not bother buying a voucher. They don’t sound like very nice people to be honest. You thought of them as family but the feeling was not reciprocated. Maybe you did stay a bit too many times over the past while but there was no need to be so rude to you.

Leave them off.

rolling boh

I think you stayed way too often and didn't realise that a fair proportion of people don't really like people staying with them . Even if you know people very well staying in their house is a bit of hassle and a lot get fed up of people after awhile if they keep coming to stay .I know people I would be fond of but I wouldn't want them staying over much at all .

The DayDream

The fact you needed to go to an internet forum about this indicates a high level of obliviousness to how much hassle it can be to have someone over. And someone that oblivious is probably also oblivious to a host of other annoying behaviours that they have. The 'favors' you did in return are a nice thank you but are in no way making this a great deal for them.

I mean what do you think, they count down the days to your next visit because they are so looking forward to eating a free chicken chow mein or seeing what flavour of candle you're gonna bring?

Ellie2008

As a lot of others have said you did take them for granted. Your original post stated that you stay with them when you go home, not that you stay with them to see them.

You say the sister brought up money but you brought up the presents you gave so really who brought up money first?! If the girl thinks you are treating them like B&B maybe that’s why she made the comment or perhaps it was a heat of the moment comment.

You say you see the girl as your sister & your families go back through generations. The reality is that this girl is not your sister & I'm not from rural Ireland but I don’t see why the generations thing matters that much. So what if your grannies knew eachother?!

I’d urge you to preserve this friendship. This girl has let you know that boundaries have been crossed. They are her boundaries to set within reason but considering how much you stayed with them recently she’s not being unreasonable.

I accept that you felt that you were doing enough by buying gifts etc but your hosts have let you know that isn’t the case.

so in future stay in a B&B & go out for dinner to catch-up.

Also I wonder why you are so invested in this friendship & what it represents to you - home, nostalgia, security? It you feel you have lost a base perhaps that is unsettling for you & you may need to come to terms with that.

joeguevara

It looks like you misread the relationship between you and them. It wasn’t out of malice but If you go back to your OP and count the number of times you use the word ‘I’ it may help you to see why they refused your offer to stay with them.

Was there a specific reason why you visited your hometown (where your family home was no longer there) 4 times a year. I possibly missed something but it seems that it wasn’t to visit family members as you would have stayed with them as opposed to neighbours.

Are they the only reason why you return to your hometown so often or do you meet with others? Apart from going to their house after school did you interact with them. We’re ye in school together, go on holidays, trips away?

You mentioned you see her as a sister. Do you talk to the brother when you call and message? Bringing your own food is not something anyone would do if visiting family or friends. Did you eat separately to them?

You seem to be placing too much emphasis on somehow reimbursement. I don’t think buying them groceries will smooth over the issue. (unless the stress that you mentioned is financial)

Take solace in the fact she told you. Take stock on what you do next. Visiting people that aren’t your direct family 4 times a year isn’t appropriate, even more so without an invite. You mentioned that you had personal reasons for visiting them out of the norm. Perhaps this is something you can work on yourself.

Would widening your circle of friends by joining a club instead of returning to your hometown so often. Perhaps invite your friend to your house or if appropriate on weekends away.

I really hope this sorts itself out. Family and close friends often blow up with each other and then all good. But forget about vouchers or other incentives.

@penovine

@penovine I am from rural Ireland and in my opinion the only people who would put up with an adult staying with them that often are they’re parents. My parents are older now and when they’re gone it’ll just be my brother in the home house. It shouldn’t be a problem visiting him maybe 4 times a year maximum and staying a night or two. But I do realise if he has a parthner or a wife (he’s single at the moment) I probably would stay once a year for a night and then rent a house nearby for a weeks holidays. I wouldn’t feel comfortable imposing on their space. Neighbours in rural Ireland can be quite close but also quite private yet polite. You are treating them like your parents in my opinion. They’re not. You need to stay somewhere and meet them socially when you do come. A walk, a cup of tea or dinner.

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118059091#Comment_118059091

It wasn't about the money, the biscuits, the Chinese takeaway, the card for the brother. It's about you imposing yourself on them over and over again and she snapped when you mentioned the money.

Four times in four months is way too much. Some people don't go home and stay with their parents that often. Presumably you were going to stay with them at weekends or something. If they work fairly regular hours and the weekend is their time off, you were imposing on that free time 1 weekend in four. It's way over the top.

You might have been good friends with these people but having someone to stay means you can't fully relax in your own home while they are there. You are in host/entertainment mode all the time. It was mentioned by another poster - even just making sure that there are clean bedclothes on the bed you are sleeping in and washing them afterwards. Enough hot water for everyone to have showers. Maybe feeling that the house should be cleaner and tidier because a guest will be staying. The whole lazing on the couch and watching a bit of TV while they catch up on stuff going on in their lives and perhaps have conversations that are private and personal to them is not an option as you are there. I'm always amazed at the oblivious nature of people who don't see they are imposing on people's lives and personal time.

ztoical

OP my parents have moved overseas so I have no family home in my home town. When there's a family event etc on I book into a hotel. I don't ask my cousins if I can stay with one of them. They have offered but its just easier on me to have my own space and no chance of any misunderstandings or fall outs.

What exactly are you going there for if you've no family left in the area? Are you spending all your time with these friends or staying with them and going out with different people? I do still have family (aunts, uncles, cousins) in the town I grew up in but frankly if there isn't a wedding, funeral or a big birthday I'm not heading over there. If you've family business that takes you back so often you shouldn't be imposing on these friends. When my friends come to stay, they come to see me not use my house as a hotel. If your coming to hang out with them and they are stressed then you need to back off and give them space.

partyguinness

Dont forget there is another side to this story that we are not hearing..the friends. Maybe the OP was a complete dose without realising it?

But while the OP might feel a bit agrieved they have no reason to be- the friends were doing you a massive favour..not the other way round and they have had enough. Stop focusing on the money comment...you brought it up. Plus you were saving a forture by staying with them and the odd pack of Jaffa Cakes and meal out ain't going to pay the electricity bill.

Plenty of people say "Oh sure you should visit and you can stay in our spare bedroom". In reality not many people actually mean this and certainly do not expect to be taken up on it.

joeguevara

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118069754#Comment_118069754

i think most advice on here agrees with your post.

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058214310/complications-with-lifelong-family-friends

I would come from a similar background and this entire situation seems very weird to me, have you thought about it yourself ? Maybe I’m not seeing the big picture but why would you think it’s normal to stay in someones house, they essentially have to focus on you for a weekend which is weird for anyone , best advice is don’t contact them again and let them call you , this puts the ball in their court , they have actually been quite blunt about it.

Dav010

You might think of them as life long family friends, but you are not family op. Effectively you want free lodgings at times of your choosing, take the now not so subtle hint, find somewhere else to stay, these people seem to have had enough of you.

partyguinness

If you are after a long stressful week at work especially in recent times...the idea of a guest coming for the weekend and staying would be very hard going on anyone regardless of the closeness.

Ash.J.Williams

if I had the option of biccies and a Chinese and a regular weekend house guest OR no guest biccies and Chinese I’d go with the 2nd option

Happydays2020

Quite clearly you overstayed your welcome. Having someone stay in your house is stressful - messes with routine, the need to clean the house, make beds, clean sheets, cook dinners and so forth. My golden is rule is to never to stay with anyone and not have people stay either.

As others have said - if you value the friendship then stay somewhere else the next time and bring them for a meal. Or send a restaurant voucher and a nice card… but I would advise not to bring up money again and a supermarket voucher is just monetising previous stays.

partyguinness

TBH OP...(and just my personal take) if I was the friend and I was sent a voucher from a lifelong friend like the way you have suggested I would actually be livid and insulted not matter how well intentioned. It is cold and businesslike. It ain't about the money/the biscuits or the meals out...it is just about being taken for granted.

I would much rather the next time they were around to head out for a meal and few drinks in each other's company and wipe the slate clean.

Ash.J.Williams

I would wait and let them contact you , and when they invite you again ( they will because you have probably inadvertently guilted them to) DO NOT STAY OVER, make it a day trip and eventually a new relationship will develop

qwerty13

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118069782#Comment_118069782

My feeling is that it was probably quite blunt because the OP chose to be oblivious to any previous more subtle messages.

You have completely taken these people - who are NOT family - for granted, and imposed your presence when it was clearly not wanted. You’re coming across like throwing them a packet of biscuits makes you a considerate guest. It does not. It seems to have reinforced your view that you were somehow entitled to stay with them.

Let things settle for a while, and maybe some gentle contact might then be acceptable to them. But never stay with them again.

Ficheall

Do not send them money or a voucher. That will most likely be perceived as an insult, and make the friendship much more difficult to patch up. Plus, unless it's to the order of thousands of euros, you will be undervaluing them.

Don't stay with them again for a long time. Invite them to stay with you. If they won't stay with you, invite other people to come visit you. Often. To get an idea of the imposition it causes.

Go to your hometown within the next couple of weeks or whatever as you had intended, stay in a B&B, and invite them out for dinner or similar, as many others have suggested.

Don't bring money or gifts up again, either in discussion with them, or as some attempted justification in your own head. Your gifts when you visit are a token of appreciation - not a payment.

Say something to John and Mary like "Sorry about the misunderstanding [there's probably a better word] , I'll be in X on November Xth - it would be great to see ye for dinner [or similar] if you're free."

And you pay for dinner and don't make a big deal out of it.

Tork

OP, I think we've well and truly established that you overstepped the mark and shouldn't look to stay with them again. But if you want to remain friends with them, I think you need to take action sooner rather than later. It is the sort of situation that will fester and become harder to resolve as time goes on. I don't think they will be the ones to make the first move, so it's up to you.

Going to stay in a hotel or B&B, and inviting them out for a meal is what I'd do. Then make a quick apology but don't try to delve into why all of this arose. I don't think they will want to go there. I doubt you do either. On that, I think you also need to roll back on all the "I love you like a sister" platitudes as well. It could be the Irishness coming out in me but those comments made my skin crawl. It really is too much and it might have made them feel uncomfortable too. I think the only way this friendship can be saved is to put a bit of distance between you and treat them like normal friends. I get the feeling that there's a big back story as to why you have such intense feelings for this family and that it might not be all that healthy.

JoChervil

OP the whole story for me is very one sided from the very beginning. It looks like you were using their house from your childhood. You never mentioned, if they played in your house back then to keep some balance.

It seems for me that you never let this friendship grow from their side because you never gave it a space for it. You were inviting yourself to their house, so they had to keep you company. But would they do this, if you stayed in B&B and invited them for drinks? It seemed you never checked it. Have you invited them to your place or a B&B near your place to reciprocate their favour?

It is all about me: I want to stay, I want to pay back for my visit in a way I like, not in a way they would like. This money response for me was not about money only about imposing yourself with everything even with a way of paying back. Also we can't exclude they have just money problems, but the real friend staying 4 times with them in last 4 months would know it. For you they and their needs don't matter. You don't even give them a right to their feelings. She felt being taken for granted and you said "but I didn't". Even now you are not able to accept that, to accept their side of the story. And that they have right to it.

So you could try to rebuild this friendship but on an equal foot, like staying in a B&B and inviting them for drinks or a meal. Or whatever THEY would prefer. Sending them a voucher would be continuation of your ME doing, which already annoyed them so much.

Or you could just call and ask how you could repair the damage done and give them a chance to have their say. Yet you sound too defensive to really hear them.

HazeDoll

The responses here are almost unanimous. Having a frequent guest is a tedious business. As well as putting pressure on me to tidy up, do extra shopping and sort out the guest room, it also means I'm having to turn down things like dinners with other friends, saying things like "I'd love to but Whassername is coming that weekend."

I love having overnight guests but I generally discourage them from visiting on an ordinary weekend because it means that Sunday evening comes around, the guests leave, but I haven't really had a chance to relax all weekend. I had a very good friend who, off and on for about eighteen months, used my house as a very cheap and convenient base at this end of the country. He would let me know a few days in advance when he was planning on coming down (and often who would be with him!) He thought this was all the consideration that was required. Once or twice, to make a point, I said "Oh, what a pity, I'm away this weekend." His response was along the lines of "That is a pity. Still, leave a key out and we'll manage."

He often brought little gifts, sometimes thoughtful, usually uninspired petrol station gifts. He often brought wine, for example. I don't really drink and I almost never drink wine.

No matter how hard I tried I always got into a foul temper at some point during his visit. Eventually I had to sit him down and tell him how it makes me feel. I told him that it was a very important friendship to me, but the fact that he treats my time and my little house so casually is hurtful.

In fairness to him he got the message. We're still good friends because I forced myself to have that uncomfortable conversation with him. If I hadn't done that we would definitely have had a proper falling out and that would have been that.

OP, hopefully you have gained a little insight into how your visits have affected your hosts. They're probably annoyed with themselves at the way they handled it. Still, it's up to you to call them and, as others have suggested, let them know you won't be imposing any more but you want to keep in contact.

Pistachio19

When we sold our home place after parents died I would not dream of asking anyone if I could stay with them, and that includes my aunt and best friend. If someone continuously expected to stay with me I'd have to put a stop to it. You have well and truly outstayed your welcome with these very patient people. I wouldn't want my own family coming to stay with me as often as you seem to stay with your ex neighbours. No amount of candles or chinese takeaways would make up for someone imposing as much as you have. If you wish to go and stay in your home place again, book into a B&B from now on.

Big Bag of Chips

@penovine, I'm going to lock this thread now. You've had pretty unanimous advice from everyone and I don't think there's any benefit to leaving it open.

I hope you are OK, and that you take something positive from the thread. These situations can easily arise without anyone meaning any harm. You didn't mean to take advantage, and I'm sure your friend didn't mean for you all to fall out.

Be kind to yourself. And when the dust settles I hope your friendship will be able to continue... Without the overnight visits!

Thread locked.