Should we have taken a break from contact?

The Young Wan

My ex and I split in May after three years together. We decided to stay friends, but never really took some time apart to process the relationship ending.

The last few days we have been really crappy to each other. We've been saying awful things and doing awful things to each other. I still want to keep up a friendship, but I felt if we kept going it would be a car crash and we would say/do irreparable things. So I said we needed some time apart, that I would check in again in a few weeks but we needed some time to not be as heated as we were.

His answers were pretty monosyllabic and short. He did say yes, we can get back in touch in a few weeks but I'm worried I've made a bad call or that we won't be in touch again. Was I wrong for deciding not to talk for a while?

TL;DR should I have cut contact with my ex, with whom I'd like to stay friends, after we've had some really bad times together lately.

banie01

You may want to remain friends. He may not. Your post is full of what you want, how you feel. Very often relationships do develop from friendships, the reverse is rarely true and is usually an effort by one party. If it's a one-sided effort? Why bother? And why? Why does remaining friends matter?

It's a pretty shít way to break up with someone too tbh. 3yrs together, we are no longer a couple but let's be friends?

Fine if that's the vibe that someone gives you after a few dates, if it's after a few years? Just rip the plaster, stay apart for a while and if a friendship develops? Well and good, if it doesn't? Just continue to leave him alone.

Your need to stay friends and why ever you need to do it? Aren't his problem.

Time apart, cut contact and if a friendship develops or continues? Great.

If it doesn't, that's also fine.

What isn't? Is thinking that you must remain friends with ex's or that anything more than civility is needed from either party post break-up. Manners and respect are a minimum, not friendship.

Thelonious Monk

Why would you try to remain friends with someone you just broke up with?

jface187

Yeah honestly feels like something people say. Unless there a reason, child involved or joint financial responsibilities, better to cut ties. It get to a point where he meets someone new or you do. Then your new partner will hardly want your ex hanging around and vice versa.

Give some time, let things be civil between you and that's best you can hope for.

Dial Hard

OP you've had a number of threads on here about this guy. It's very clear to me that you need to break contact completely and focus on yourself. As others have said, I've never seen the benefit/point in trying to stay friends with an ex and that goes double if not treble for you, considering how much you've posted about this guy in the past.

Go dark and move on. Do you want to be posting here yet again in another few months wondering what you should do???

Why do you want to be friends?

Were you friends before you got together?

bucketybuck

Absolutely you need to cut contact, why is this even a question?

You say you are still friends but the impression I get from the OP is that there is far more contact than you would have with just a "friend". How often do you see each other if in just a few days there were multiple opportunities to say awful things? Do you see your other friends that often?

Don't take this the wrong way, but if this guy was my friend and he told me his ex was hanging around wanting to be friends I would have some harsh words for him.

Caranica

Are you still in the same country as him or did you move home?

I'm one of the strange folk who is friends with almost all of my exes. But to do so requires both people to be on the same page. Sometimes that can happen quickly, sometimes it takes years. It appears to me that one of you is more invested than the other.

Take some time out from contacting him and see what happens, maybe in time you can be friends, just not yet.

Big Bag of Chips

How regular is your contact, and is it more regular than your other friends. I have pretty good friends, but between working, families, general life, weeks could go by without us contacting each other.

It sounds like you're living in each others pockets a bit, or the friendship is proving to not be much of a friendship after all. I don't think I've ever said or done awful things to a friend. It's not how friendships generally go.

You broke up in May, and now you're effectively broken up with him again. I remember your thread when you broke up. You felt your life as you knew it was over. You'd have to lose your home and your job. You were looking for huge level of support from your friends.

In such a situation, why on earth would you put yourself, and your other friends and family, through the unnecessary struggle of forcing a friendship?

Idle Passerby

In cases like this where there been a break up and you instantly go into "let's be friends!" Then there's lots of contact, heightened emotions and drama, that's not a friendship you have, it's a bad habit.

Friendship with an ex can happen organically but only after the dust of the breakup has settled. People often have great intentions of being friends one day with an ex but you find when the emotions of the breakup have passed, you don't really want to be friends with them anymore. And that's ok, it doesn't mean the relationship didn't have merit or mean a lot, you've just moved on and that's healthy. It's probably time to let this relationship fade into the past.

Jequ0n

As advised several times before (and obviously ignored from your end): look up signs of a co-(dependent) relationship and decide if this is how you want to remain.

You are clinging on to the finished relationship and I am not surprised that he is getting irritated by your desperate attempts to force this friendship.

shesty

@Jequ0n

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S

Tork

I remember your other threads as well. Your ex was the one who broke up with you, which makes me wonder what your agenda is here. Have you been staying friends with him in the hope that he'll change his mind and rekindle the relationship? You were hit very hard by the break-up and by staying in touch, you've denied yourself the opportunity to get over this. Where are you living now, by the way? You were abroad (Germany, I think?) and that was mostly because of him. Are you still living near him? As the others have said here, staying friends with an ex is a terrible idea. Friendships can develop after a break-up but only when both exes are on the same page and don't harbour romantic feelings for each other any more. If he rang you this evening and told you that he had a new girlfriend, how would you feel? If the thoughts of that feel like a kick in the stomach, you have your answer. I get the impression from your posts that you can be a bit needy and have trouble reading the room sometimes. I think that both these traits may be coming against you now and that he's getting sick of you.

SunnySundays

I remember your previous threads too. It's much easier see the wood from the trees from a distance so some of is posters have a more objective view. Given your past history together, you cannot really be objective.

You had a relationship, it was toxic.

You tried a friendship, it is also toxic.

You are clinging to this one tighter than you would a life jacket on the titanic! You really need to figure out why?

Are you addicted to toxicity and drama? Do you feel you won't meet anyone else? Are you scared being alone? Do you think you deserve toxic chaos? That if you let go it's over and he isn't ever coming back? Is there nothing else to fill the time you would have spend with him?

You need to be real with yourself. Identify what is driving this and work on that? I really think everyone that comes out of a breakup hurt, needs some time alone to rediscover who they are not how they were as part of a couple.

Ave Sodalis

I'm still friends with my ex after we were together 7 years so it is possible. In fact, I just posted their birthday card today. However, it really does need to be a 2 sided agreement, and it was made much easier by the fact we were long distance. We spoke on and off for a few weeks but it was much longer than that before something like being on the same video call would come up. So whilst we didn't lose contact, and we were still there for each other, we did need some time before there was a return to normal.

It also took a lot of confronting emotions as they came. Yes, there was still the anger, the doubt etc that you'd normally experience in a break up. Without being friends, it would have been so easy to turn those emotions against my ex. Staying friends, and being determined to stay friends, meant that I had to face up to those emotions, become responsible for them, and see them for what they really were.

Here's the thing though. I never really doubted our ability to stay friends. I'm not gonna lie and say its been a walk in the park, but I never had (nor did they from talking about it to them) a moment where I went "oh no, is this really such a good idea?". Neither did we have a moment of "yeah, we got this!" because there wasn't anything to get. Once we agreed we'd still be friends (which happened very shortly after breaking up), that was that. We had always been the type of people who gave each other whatever it is they needed to be the person they wanted to be, and were always independent of each other and that aspect remained, albeit in a slightly different way. It's only typing this that I've ever had to explain it, because it otherwise came naturally. If one person needed some time, then that space was a given. If one person needed to talk, then talking was a given. If one person decided that a friendship isn't something they could do, that would also have been respected.

So long story short, it is possible to stay friends with your ex from your break up. You do need to have had a certain dynamic in the first place. It's possible that he needs time. It's possible that that friends is not something he can actually do. Either way, allowing whatever relationship (or lack of) between you two to become what it's going to become is the healthiest way forward. Forcing a certain dynamic, or holding on to a certain dynamic when you aren't both on the same boat, is only going to lead to more hurt. Touch base again in a few weeks, and go into the conversation knowing what you'd ideally like but also being open to the fact it may not align with your ex's wants, and that that's okay.

TheadoreT

You're clearly still in love with this guy, trying to remain friends while those feelings are so strong is an absolute recipe for disaster, and so it's proven here. May is a long enough time ago, whereby you could have used to get over this relationship and rebuild yourself. Yet you've used it to fall into a deeper and more problematic situation where you get none of the benefits of a relationship but still all the hurt. It just sounds like a very toxic place to be in in life.

There's literally zero dilemma here about what you need to do, but the fact you're even questioning this makes me feel you won't or can't make this final step here, and you'll be posting another thread in 6 month heartbroken about him being with another woman on Instagram. Once you go down this problematic path it can really consume a fairly sizeable portion of your adult life, and it's such a waste. The emotional toll can leave people fairly broken and unable to build another healthy relationship for a long time. That's where you're headed, stop the negative cycle today.

HalloweenJack

I always tut internally when I hear people who have just broken up say they want to be friends with their ex. It feels like somethjng people just say for the sake of it while alsobeing exteemely forced. It all depends on the circunstances and length of the relationship but it requires a lot of work and a cooling down period is essential.

I speak from my experience with previous exes where we said we'd be friends immediately after breaking up but it was a mess because there was no resolution and the feelings were still very raw. The one ex where we had a clean break got in touch a year or so later. We chatted for a while but we'd changed greatly and the 'friendship' died naturally without any drama. The ones where we'd continued as friends afterwards were tense and emotional rollercoasters and neither of us were able to move on as easily as we should have.

It's tough to go from being with someone all the time or communicating with them everyday and then having nothing. People, in a bid to transition progressively, think that having some kind of link with their ex will make it easier but I've rarely seen this work. The few cases I know of people who are friends with their exes have involved substantial periods with a break in contact and a later attempt to build a friendship.

In your situation, I'd just accept that he doesn't want a friendship right now. Maybe there'll be one in the future but you shouldn't be forcing it on him right now. Take a break and see if he wants to get in touch again further down the line.

HazeDoll

It looks to me like the OP has slipped into the habit of looking to this relationship as a source of interaction and possibly drama. You mightn't realise that's what you're doing but you keep coming up with new ways to discuss your ex. Maybe it's because it keeps the whole thing alive in your mind.

Find something to occupy your mind. Start a project, join a choir, read a book. If you catch yourself having imaginary conversations with or about your ex, tell yourself out loud to stop. You need to stop rewarding your brain from harping on the subject.

Your ex might have been a decent person but this was a bad relationship. You know you're better off out of it. You know this person won't make you feel good about yourself. You know all this but you continue to cling to it for validation or as something to talk about. Maybe for sympathy too?

Liberty_Bear

Moving is never easy, the heart begs for what it once had. Realistically space is the only way to give you time to put what you had into context and take stock of the incongruent feelings that will surface. New friends out of your shared friends circle are always important but also let yourself grieve for what once was. There is no definitive answer to this unfortuantely and it takes time.