He cancelled our date last minute

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277194#Comment_118277194

Don't do any of this. Seriously.

FintanMcluskey

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277419#Comment_118277419

Not my decision. There's a medical reason his end that I'd rather not go into.

Well if that's the cases its a fairly serious issue, so I wouldn't be to worried about him cancelling dates due to sickness.

loveall

Take a chill pill :) See what he says when he comes back. Don't message him again and get on with your life lovely. Enough hassles out there without looking for or courting one.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277452#Comment_118277452

It's not that serious, but he just needs to abstain for a while!

His sickness from Saturday was unrelated.

Idle Passerby

There's a bit too much "should have, could have " beating around the bush here. At the end of the day everyone has different expectations and red lines when dating. If your bothered by him cancelling that's fine, your allowed to be annoyed even if others wouldn't be. If for you it's annoying enough to end it, then that's a reasonable thing to do. He's equally entitled to be annoyed at your annoyance.

Dating is meant to be about figuring out whether there's a spark and compatibility. If one of you decides your not compatible for whatever reason, then you consider whether it's something you can overlook or not and decide where to go from there.

For the record both things would annoy me. Last minute cancellations and giving out texts from someone I don't really know yet. Whether it would be enough to walk would depend on a lot of other factors.

Also meeting 8 times in a month is fine if both of you are happy with it. Who cares what other people think is an acceptable pace.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277660#Comment_118277660

That's really well said. All about compromise in a (potential) relationship. No one is 100% perfect and if they have flaws you have to gauge whether you can deal with them.

I was questioning myself whether I was right or wrong, but you can't be 'wrong' if someone does something and you feel bad as a result. Once you feel it, that's it. It's happened. Maybe you can learn to deal with it better the next time, but life is a learning experience at the end of the day.

JimmyVik

OP What advice would you give a teenager in your situation?

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277011#Comment_118277011

He told her he wasn't feeling well and instead of "I hope you're ok and feel better soon", instead the response was "What about me, does this mean you aren't into me?"

Thats a great indicator of their future relationship then.

Katgurl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278150#Comment_118278150

I have been quite clear I don't think she should have sent that reply. In fact I don't think she should be worrying if he's into her or not. I simply think she should weigh up if she's into him given he's the type to cancel at short notice without a decent (or truthful) reason.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278052#Comment_118278052

I wouldn't know about a teenager, but I'm now thinking what I'd say if a friend was in the same situation.

I might say it was very strange how he cancelled and that it very last minute, but it's a once off thing. It may be a sign of things to come but see how it plays out and don't jump to conclusions when you don't have all the details.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278150#Comment_118278150

I think it was more that 'oh you know the way we planned to meet today, and how you worked your schedule around mine and got the house ready and bought food for the movie night, well I'm now going to cancel last minute for a slight headache I had all day and am only telling you about now'. If you thought you weren't going to make a date would you not have given a bit of a warning?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278185#Comment_118278185

I think you're right. I am going to lay it all out and say to him that I was disappointed that he cancelled last minute and apologise for doubting if he's into me. There's not much more I can do.

bucketybuck

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278185#Comment_118278185

There has been absolutely zero evidence that he wasn't being truthful. Frankly there is a lot of unfounded projection in this thread.

And saying he is "the type" to cancel at short notice, as if nobody ever changes plans, as if couples all over the world don't go with the flow and work around each other, its called life and people deal with every day. He didn't cancel a dinner party, he didn't miss a kids play, he didn't bail out on anything except a quiet night on the sofa, it happens and its hardly the end of the world.

God help the poor fella if he has to cancel another date, he'll probably get accused of all sorts of things.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278260#Comment_118278260

That's true. No evidence, but when dating someone new you'd be very foolish to believe every single word they say until you get to know them deeply.

Everyone lies when they start dating. I've even done it myself like when I've told someone that I haven't been on a date in months when I was only on one the night before. It's not meant to deceive, but I thought it better not to mention it as it would do me no favours!

To me it was an important night. It would have been our first time where we'd be alone together, just the two of us. It doesn't do much to the self-confidence when a man cancels last minute when he had the chance to be a bit more intimate with someone he's seeing.

Everyone lies when they start dating.

Speak for yourself, pal.

JayRoc

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278260#Comment_118278260

I think this is the danger of people discussing the relationship issues of strangers on an internet forum.

Posters often forget that they are not dealing with theoretical words on a page, rather than real people who are asking for advice. And as a result you see wild stuff bandied about that people would not actually say in real life talking to people they know (saying he likes truth makes him a liar, saying just break up now as he is clearly seeing someone else, etc).

You sound like you have a similar personality to me; always on time for things, when we make an arrangement we stick to it, etc. This is fine but as I said before, a lot of people aren't like that and we can still have meaningful relationships with these people if both parties are willing to compromise.

Tbh I think a lot of the problem is how internet dating/tinder etc have changed the dynamic of dating/relationships and how casual a lot of it can be.

You were miffed. Correctly. You wondered what it all meant. You said it to him, once.

If he handles it well, grand. If he doesn't it's not your fault.

But I would just leave it at that and definitely would not recommend accusing him of not trusting him because that, for me as a bloke, truly would be a red flag. It is something I would be extremely reluctant to overlook so soon into a relationship, or to be honest, ever.

Katgurl

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278260#Comment_118278260

Yeah I never said it was the end of the world. I think it's really inconsiderate to cancel with no notice and no valid reason. Friends or boyfriends don't treat me like that, I don't treat them like that. It's obviously different in your circles. That's fine too. Not everyone is the same, not everyone is compatible. Which is the point I've been making all along.

lunamoon

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278413#Comment_118278413

I'd be in agreement with this. If I found out someone had lied very early on I'd be pretty put off. Especially if it was about other dates.

B.A._Baracus

I get the op. Let's all be honest, at the start of dating we are sussing out the other. Do they want a relationship? Do they just want fun? Is this going anywhere or, in the op's case, if he is cancelling how into me is he?

He cancelled the third date. That's fine. Things happen. He then cancels last minute recently. OK... that's not good. But jury's out. Not like op should ring him up screaming it's over! No one knows if he was under the weather or decided to go out with the lads to the local. It's still early days and she's trying to suss things out.

Op, can I ask is everything else fine? Like he still texts as much? And generally wants to meet up as much?

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278413#Comment_118278413

Okay, how about not fully open with the truth then? Lying by omission. There are some things I wouldn't tell a prospective partner early on dating as it may be too personal or might freak them out. As a lighthearted example, you likely won't tell them about a very weird hobby you have on your first date!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278425#Comment_118278425

Very well said. Sometimes I regret asking for advice on forums because some comments make me second guess my life decisions! Friends usually give very rounded and helpful advice, but maybe they're just trying to not upset me and is not as ruthless as it needs to be!

I did ask him if he wanted to talk about it and he said that there's nothing to talk about and that we're all okay. Not sure whether to mention it again the next time I see him, either to retract the bit about him not being interested or even just to clarify why I was upset.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278477#Comment_118278477

You sound like one of my grounded friends! Yes he still messages as much as before, but his texting style is a bit like his dates, very hit and miss! The more I think about it the more I think he is very blasé about communicating. He's very social and has things on nearly every day of the week so he may think nothing of cancelling a date last minute when he's so busy. Likely not the first time.

It only happened on Saturday so I don't know if it's affected his texting or wanting to meet up, but it was just as good as ever up until then. I think I'll let him extend an invite for the next date seeing as he cancelled the last one. I tend to ask him out first because I know he has busy weeks and don't want his days to book up early!

Ficheall

The lie about not having been on a date in months when in fact you were on one the night before would bother me far more than someone cancelling plans because they weren't feeling well...

There's a relevant quote about someone seeing their own faults in others or something like that, but I can't recall it at the moment.

Maybe he had an argument with his dad. Maybe he's an introvert and just couldn't handle any more social interaction with anyone, even someone new that he likes. Maybe he was with the guys. Maybe he was on another date. Don't think any of it can possibly be known by anyone here. Just see how things play out in the coming weeks and months.

I personally wouldn't care that much if someone cancelled on me. I'm sitting next to my girlfriend of a year and she had to cancel a good few times at the start for things out of her control. Naturally, I was wondering what was going on, but it worked out and now we're going great.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278665#Comment_118278665

That's true. May never know, but I think the excuses are a bit suspect and it would be naive of me to think otherwise!

You may not have an issue with someone cancelling, but for me it seems to be a big deal. I know that I would never cancel on someone if I was into them unless it was an emergency. While I've never agreed to a date that I didn't want to go to, if I did cancel it would be a real sign that I wasn't into them. I guess I'm reflecting my own behaviour onto others and expecting the same. Maybe that's unrealistic.

ZigZags

Hi OP,

I only ask because making excuses last minute etc doesn’t sound accurate or believable tbh.

How did you meet? Online?

also, if he lives 15mins away, you’d have a good idea if he is already in a relationship? Have you asked a mutual friend or someone who lives nearby?

sorry but when men mention “honesty”, it just rubs me up the wrong way!

Loves spending time with you? Right……

Amazed at the replies here, tbh.

OP, if he really wanted to see you he would have. There's no mystery to it, imo. He is, as the line goes, just not that into you.

Every guy I know, when they really like someone, they make the effort to see them. It's when they are lukewarm about someone that this stuff happens.

I'd also say if his medical issue had cleared up and he could have had sex, he'd have been over. Again, no mystery to it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278727#Comment_118278727

You can be really into someone but not want to see them at a certain time. Especially after two dates a week for a month.

Edit: <Mod Snip> Not relevant in Relationship Issues Forum

Ficheall

I suspect if your man saw this thread, the OP wouldn't have to worry about whether they had a future as a couple any more.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278665#Comment_118278665

Okay, how about not fully open with the truth then? Lying by omission. There are some things I wouldn't tell a prospective partner early on dating as it may be too personal or might freak them out. As a lighthearted example, you likely won't tell them about a very weird hobby you have on your first date!

Again, you're projecting. Not everyone is like that and I, personally, would use my unusual hobbies as a conversation starter and ice-breaker.

When I met my partner I was doing rowing along the Liffey and high-board diving out in the NAC in Blanchardstown. Both unusual, both a bit out of the ordinary and both excellent topics of conversation. both also led to separate future dates doing something other than getting locked and wearing the face off each other (which also happened).

Making blanket statements like "everyone lies" is untrue. Being uncomfortable sharing your unusual hobbies smacks of insecurity. If you're ridiculed for doing X, Y or Z then that demonstrates the other person isn't for you. I'd personally prefer to know that from day 1.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278727#Comment_118278727

These are the negative thoughts that creep into my mind! Hard not to think that way.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278886#Comment_118278886

Okay, how about 99% of people then? And the examples you gave don't exactly paint you in a bad light. I'm talking about things that may be negative traits that they don't want to share. Maybe you like a few too many drinks on a night out. Maybe you're a smoker and don't want to scare them off straight away. Maybe you're a serial dater and telling them that would change their mind about you straight away?

Bit off topic, but you know where I'm coming from.

Jequ0n

I'm not going to judge you for lying, because I do it all the time. However, it seems to have a negative effect on you because you are projecting your own behaviour on him. Sure, he might have lied, but could you really judge him for it?

Up to you to decide how you want to proceed, but you might just learn to accept that others aren't exactly the way you are. If you have an issue with trust and believing others then you might want to start with a clean slate yourself, because this seems to be eating away at you.

Good luck.

foxsake

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118276415#Comment_118276415

twice is week is hardly overbearing to the point he needs time for himself.

to cancel a date at short notice over a headache is lame -

but it's up to the OP tbh - only she can really gauge what is happening and if he is genuine,.

You have made a strange analogy of high school/princesses which is nothing related to what I wrote.

TheadoreT

I think an awful lot of relationship issues boil down to sex. Dunno who's side the reluctance is on but If I haven't had it after 8 dates I'd be checked out too tbh.

OU812

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118281092#Comment_118281092

Big Bag of Chips

He had cancelled our 3rd date before because he was too tired and it's starting to feel like he just didn't want to see me

You've had 8 dates in a month, with a man who you admit is very social and has loads going on in his life. Yet he has still managed to see you twice a week for the past 4 weeks. Of course things are going to pop up, and plans are going to change. Especially if he has a lot going on in his life. He has seen you and been on an awful lot more dates with you than he has cancelled/rearranged. So why do you jump to thinking he didn't want to see you?

He's had to cancel or rearrange twice but still managed to see you 8 times. I think that's a pretty good result. And I do think your reaction was way OTT. If I got that sort of text after seeing someone very frequently, getting on well, thinking it was going somewhere and then having to change plans last minute I'd be feeling like a chastised child with a slap on the wrist. Not a relationship I'd be happy and relaxed and comfortable to continue in.

Things happen. Sometimes plans change. If he was cancelling every second date or not showing any interest then maybe you'd have a point.

skallywag

I find your reaction completely inappropriate OP, and to be frank with you I myself would not want to see you again after receiving such a message.

I have been in a pretty much identical situation myself once when I unfortunately needed to cancel on late notice due to a combination of something which came up late in the day that I needed to see to and also the fact that I was feeling quite down that day due to a heavy cold which was coming on. I also then received a 'come on, tell me the truth, do you not want to see me blah blah' message, which I did not think too much of at the time and made light of.

Looking back though it was a clear warning sign that I should have heeded. It is not something that I would accept any more, but you learn these things as you go along I guess.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118281092#Comment_118281092

OP says:

Not my decision. There's a medical reason his end that I'd rather not go into. Safe to say he's not getting it anywhere else either.

Seems to me posters making an issue of this are barking up the wrong tree.

OP if I was you I'd brush this off, assume there is an innocent if maybe slightly embarrassing explanation for the cancellation and carry on as before. You will find out soon enough if he really is the genuine article.

JimmyVik

Most poeple get p1ssed of when friends cancel at the last minute or just dont show up.

They get over it though. They dont go on message boards and ask the general population of the internet what the problem with the person who cancelled is.

This is overkill.

miamee

OP I understand why you would be annoyed at the last minute brush off. He was obviously busy doing something else and thinking about the date - pushing it out 30 mins then another 30 mins then actually 'I'm not coming at all'. Either you are coming or you're not and if not you tell the other person in enough time to make other arrangements for their evening. I think that would have annoyed me more than just cancelling outright due to tiredness or illness. The other thing is, if he was genuinely sorry to be missing the date he should have suggested when you could see each other instead. "I'm really tired this evening, sorry, but are you free any time tomorrow?"

While saying to him by text that you didn't think he was that interested in you might have been an overreaction to the situation (probably something best kept for next time you see him rather than text), I don't think it was a wildly outlandish thought. He handled the situation immaturely, unable to manage his time with his dad (afraid to say he had a date? Unable to say 'I have other plans tonight, I need to leave at X time') or unable to make a decision on whether or not he was well enough to come over to yours to sit on the sofa.

vithit

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118283005#Comment_118283005

THIS.

The cancelling wouldn't bother me as much. Life happens and they've already been on 8 dates in such a short space of time. Don't get me wrong, the cancelling isn't the best sign but it could've been valid.

I just find the pushing out by 30 minutes twice thing soo rude. It shows a lack of respect for OP's time. Make your mind up, stop leaving OP dangling. Just cancel and let OP make alternative plans for the evening. He chose to leave OP hanging

spaceHopper

OK this happened Saturday, today is Tuesday, if you like him I'd suggest you give him a call to see if he's feeling better.

What if he was worried he had Covid but didn't want to make a fool of himself if it was just a headache and got tested. Having a headache in the middle of global pandemic is a good reason to change or cancel plans.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118282884#Comment_118282884

I would agree. I'd see a text like that as a huge red flag, and I think that the OP should play it pretty cool for a while or risk reinforcing that perception

YellowLead

Hi OP, you mentioned this would have been the first time you were alone together - does that mean the other dates were going out as part of a group, or do you just mean alone in private? If the latter then maybe the sex issue is a little worrying for him, maybe he’s worried he might get carried away when he shouldn’t.

Having said that he probably just wasn’t feeling great, and on top of the family thing it just didn’t suit. He probably felt bad cancelling and hence he tried to push it out.

I think the calling him out on it wasn’t the best idea as you’ll look clingy after only one month of dating and it might make him think wow if she is like this after a month and we are not even a couple then what will she be like in a couple.

I wouldn’t mention it again if I were you, just press on seeing him and see how things develop. Any funny business on his end going forward then end things with him if you feel he’s not that into you, but I wouldn’t make that call based on one cancellation.

I don’t think you should be THAT into someone after only one month that it makes you freak out if they cancel. If it’s still casual and not exclusive keep your own options open too.

seenitall

Having read the whole thread, I’m also in the camp of it sounds like there was an excuse after excuse because ultimately the guy has some issue around getting into a more intimate scenario with the OP. Even the headache thing brings that kind of an association with it. But yeah, that’s also just my speculation, or intuition if you will.

What I would do now is not mention it again, just behave as nothing happened, and see how the whole thing proceeds. I’d say he sounds into you on the whole, but he may have not been completely honest about whatever issue is problematic around getting closer, one-on-one, intimacy for him. That’s about the thought that I would be getting out of the situation. I’d say it also sounds like things should be crystallising soon enough here. Proceed cautiously and rationally, OP. I hope it goes well, good luck.

JoChervil

I might be completely wrong but I get a vibe that it is somehow alcohol related.

He might have had too heavy hangover, which didn't clear out as soon as he expected, or had too many "one for the road" with guys, which carried him away.

You mentioned that all other 8 dates were not private. So answer yourself the question, were they drinking sessions more than dates?

I would try to figure it out, because if it is alcohol related, I would be very wary.

osarusan

OP, some of these posts about how the guy was actually out on the lash, or was just looking for an easy shag, are sad stuff, and should be ignored.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118288139#Comment_118288139

If you combined all of the projection of the last 20 years on boards, it still wouldn't come close to the amount of projection in this post.

You've quite literally invented an entire universe where OP is dating an alcoholic, because he cancelled a date.

Zak Flaps

Has there been any contact with him since Saturday?

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118288328#Comment_118288328

Well, I wonder, who is projecting here with a such exaggeration... I only asked the question to exclude one possibility, which is an important one.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118289323#Comment_118289323

In fairness, it is a hell of reach to go from the opening post to the possibility of a drinking problem of which the OP should be “wary”

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118289423#Comment_118289423

I got this vibe from ALL OP's posts in this thread, not only from the opening one.

bottlebrush

OP did you know him before you started dating or do you only know him a month? The reason he gave for cancelling the date may or may not be true, who knows, and although he only lives 15 minutes away, do you know anything about him besides what he told you himself.

struck1

Okay so we spoke since and things have cooled down a lot! He messaged me asking if we were okay, and I said there was no issue and that I was just really disappointed he couldn't make it. He said he was worried he had ruined things. We're back to our normal texting now and he wants to meet again this week.

I get the feeling though that he is a very flaky individual. Not only has he cancelled dates last minute but he is soooo bad at texting. It's like he just abandons conversations in the middle of the day and then gets back to me hours later! I wonder if it's just a personality trait?