He cancelled our date last minute

Evergreen_7

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118277194#Comment_118277194

This is terrible advice. They aren’t even in an established relationship yet. I know couples married 10 years and they don’t feel they have the right to check each other’s phones

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

I'm starting to see why yar man might have cancelled the date.

------------------------------

Warned for Breach of the Charter

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

Whatever about the cancelling, some people have work to do and don't have all day to spend texting.

osarusan

OP, you seem to have fairly rigid ideas of how somebody 'should' behave if interested in another person romantically, and you read a lot into occasions when he doesn't conform to those ideas.

I don't think either of those ideas/habits are good for you.

Hannibal_Smith

I think your expectations regarding texting are very high and are unsustainable. It can't and won't continue like that. He has other things going on and will put the phone down to get on with it. It may even be that he's texting friends or family. It doesn't make him flaky at all. So I think you are going to have to manage those expectations.

Jequ0n

OP, do you need a lot of attention and validation in general? Because that seems to be where you two are disconnected.

Tbh when he told you that he was worried that he had ruined things you had a chance to build a bridge by admitting partial fault too (for flying off the handle and making accusations), but it seems a little bit like you enjoyed him being uncomfortable. It’s not really the best ground for the next date, and most people would find this very off putting. That’s not what you want to hear, but you don’t seem to register how your own behaviour and expectations are far from ideal, too.

Idle Passerby

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293439#Comment_118293439

Yes, that's his personality. It's up to you to decide if you can live with him being a bit more blase about time keeping than you. My assumption is, probably not. If lax texting gets you this annoyed this early on, I can't see you putting up with someone whose regularly late or just forgets appointments completely. It's incredibly annoying but some people are like that, out of no intended malice.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293719#Comment_118293719

I'm honestly confused! All I said was that things were back to normal. Why would that suggest why he cancelled the date?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293792#Comment_118293792

I'm not talking about all day texting! I don't do that either. And he's far from a busy guy from what he tells me, but it may just be how he texts people in general. This paired with the last minute date cancellations he might just be very lax in these situations.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118293810#Comment_118293810

I really think I do. It might be because I compare them to myself and how I would behave in that situation. That's why I thought that skipping out on dates and not being great at texting were just his personality traits and not a reflection on how he feels. But then you get people who say actions speak louder than words so I never know what to believe!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294007#Comment_118294007

I do honestly try to get over these kinds of things and force myself to think they're non-issues. It's hard not to feel a bit down when you know he's not doing anything and doesn't reply. This negativity was just compounded by the couple of dates he cancelled. I know some people can just not be in the mood to reply but like my comment above, I can't help comparing it to what I would do in that situation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294095#Comment_118294095

Certainly not! I'm nothing like that. One thing I would say about myself is that I do get frustrated in general with peoples texting behaviour, not just when dating. I've friends who would read a message and just never reply! I think it boils down to me being very polite and courteous (at least I like to think so) and I maybe expect it from others. It sounds like I'm expecting way too much from what I'm reading here!

And I did apologise for the accusations, but I wouldn't describe it as flying off the handle! I didn't get angry at all. I just asked that question. I think he was more worried about me asking to chat afterwards about it. He didn't understand why we would need to chat and thought everything was okay!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294167#Comment_118294167

This is all part of getting to know someone I guess. I could live with it if I knew it didn't mean anything more than that's just how he texts. I sometimes get sucked into online articles about dating behaviour (don't judge me!). You regularly read that if he doesn't have time to text you then he's just not that into you. They completely disregard someone's personality though!

Katgurl

TheadoreT

You haven't addressed the sex part. I know you said it's a non issue in the opening post but that may not be mutual. Its the elephant in the room here as its a crucial part of any early relationship blossoming, and I still think its at the core of whatever the issue is here regardless of who's side the hesitancy is on.

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294181#Comment_118294181

Depends on what you define as busy. You might think he's not busy because he's not at work or has the day off. He might have errands to run, or be catching up with a friend for lunch, calling over to his parents and having a chat with them, getting some laundry done etc etc. Can't spend all day going around with the phone glued to his hand. Long, drawn out text conversations can just be time sapping.

Hannibal_Smith

I do honestly try to get over these kinds of things and force myself to think they're non-issues. It's hard not to feel a bit down when you know he's not doing anything and doesn't reply. This negativity was just compounded by the couple of dates he cancelled. I know some people can just not be in the mood to reply but like my comment above, I can't help comparing it to what I would do in that situation.

You have to try and appreciate that others have things going on and they will at times not respond. You can't possibly reply to every text you get as soon as it comes in? If you do, then cut others some slack because that is a little outside what others would be able to stick to long term.

He's been honest, apologetic and accommodating of your feelings and still you are looking for signs that he may be taking the mick. On paper it doesn't make sense for you to be upset with him, but no matter what he says you're questioning things.

I do think you need to look at whether you're being fair on him. He seemed to have had a stressful weekend and tried to keep everyone happy.

YellowLead

OP you could also read a lot of articles that advise not to text too much, and that (generalisation here oops) men usually do not like to text a lot especially lengthy conversations and especially if it’s chit chat and not something immediately relevant. Guy I’m seeing at the moment used to say how about a phone call once the back and forth texting went on for a while.

To me he sounds about as into somebody as a person should be after only a month of dating. You guys aren’t even confirmed exclusive. Not to say it’s nothing heading that direction but it’s wise to be a little cautious and give people a bit of space to decide if you are what they want to pursue instead of chasing them.

Agree with another poster the sex thing is probably part of this especially it’s off the table for another long time.

Ugh, interminable text message conversations are the worst. And the expectation that you have to reply. Can be awkward to finish them (usually I just do a ‘bye then, chat later’ or something similar). Hate them even in the early stages of a relationship.

Idle Passerby

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294181#Comment_118294181

OP, you seem incredibly wound up over an issue that to me would warrant no more than momentary annoyance, then forgotten. You barely know this guy, you haven't even been intimate yet. Is he really worth twisting yourself into knots over? If he's a relaxed individual and your quite tightly wound it seems a poor match to me.

I'd be more curious about how his sex issue could impact your potential relationship. The rest seems a non issue.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294207#Comment_118294207

Well there's nothing I can do about it. It's his medical issue! I think he should be okay very soon though.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294300#Comment_118294300

I don't know where the whole idea of him having his phone glued to his hand is coming from! I'm not keen on drawn out conversations either, but that's exactly what he's doing! I'd be fully okay not hearing from him for even 23 out of the 24 hours in a day. Short and sweet as they say! Probably just his texting style I guess.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294348#Comment_118294348

I don't expect that at all. I just find it jarring when no matter what time of the day I send a message he will always take hours to respond! I don't think it's because he's busy as I've sent him messages at all times of day and not once have gotten a message back within an hour. It's not a big deal by the way, I just mentioned it because it seemed to tie in with him cancelling dates last minute! I figure it must be just his texting style.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294364#Comment_118294364

Like I said above, I'd prefer a brief but consistent chat myself but he seems to draw conversations out over hours! You're right, I shouldn't read too much into it. I think a lot of these articles assume everyone lives in an ideal world where everyone is perfect!

How do you mean the sex thing is part of this? It wasn't my decision!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294474#Comment_118294474

I'm not the most successful on the dating scene so when I do find a man with potential I start to think about every little detail. It's probably an insecurity thing. I subconsciously might be thinking that the clock is always ticking and am I wasting my time on a guy that's not that into me. I had been hurt before when I found out a guy I was dating was still active on Tinder despite us being exclusive and maybe I'm being over protective of myself.

And it wasn't 'his sex issue'. He just had a medical procedure that prevented him from doing strenuous activity! He'll be back to normal very shortly.

Eight dates in a month. "a guy that's not that into me."

jimwallace197

The thing about it is, is that not everyone is like us and thats sometimes the biggest thing people have to get their heads around. I reckon the read feature on whatsapp is one of the worst things ever to be invented.

You sound a bit needy & insecure with regard to the relationship already, try & take a laid back approach. Dont forget you're still very young & probably a catch so dont worry if this doesnt work out, there's always plenty more around the corner.

You dont want to be sending out red flags too soon, wait until you at least have him properly before being entirely open on how you feel about everything.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295065#Comment_118295065

Eight social meetings, private intimate date cancelled...

jimwallace197

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295300#Comment_118295300

I think if they had gone on 8 sessions in a month & he was consistently instigating them, I think the OP would have been able to see that as a major red flag. You seem to be very sure that he's got some sort of alcohol problem. Alcholics dont tend to be always out on sessions, usually they most of their drinking behind doors. Much cheaper for them that way.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295328#Comment_118295328

I am not sure at all. Just think it is wise to exclude such possibility. And it is not me, who suggested alcoholism. I only suggested problematic drinking. And it usually includes chasing such occasions.

How often guys are tired because of hangover and how often because of other things? It is proved that guys after exercising see women even more sexually attractive, so this kind of tiredness wouldn't be a problem to meet....

JoChervil

He is 27. Have you heard of 27Club? It is a time in people lives, when any drug or alcohol use is at its peak. And people then sort themselves up and start controlling drinking or go towards alcoholism or even die, if overdo. As you see spectrum is quite wide.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295435#Comment_118295435

Jesus. This thread took a turn!

JoChervil

I simply don't see, why such possibility should be ridiculed...

And if he was all over you he would be called clingy ,needy and suffocating you....he's not marrying you ..you only know him a month...relax and have Abit of fun.maby ye are not compatible ???you sound desperate for love...you will find a princewhen the time is right

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294167#Comment_118294167

Yeah, some advice that I got in my late teens was, just turn up half an hour late some night, see what the reaction is. If they crack up at that, what will they do when theres a genuine emergency ? Good advice I think.

Big Bag of Chips

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118294207#Comment_118294207

Moderator Note

@TheadoreT, the OP addressed this in two posts #51 and #55. You asked about it after these posts, and another poster even referred to you and quoted the relevant post from the OP. If you are going to contribute to a thread, or question the OP, please a least read the OP’s posts first.

Username here

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118278329#Comment_118278329

I think this is at the heart of the matter:

Everyone lies when they start dating.

No; no they don't. But because YOU'RE used to lying, your expectation is that others are being untruthful, too. I guess you reap what you sow.

And to be clear, as you seem a little confused:

I've even done it myself like when I've told someone that I haven't been on a date in months when I was only on one the night before. It's not meant to deceive, but I thought it better not to mention it as it would do me no favours!

It's entirely intended to deceive, in the example that you have given - your intention is to make someone think you haven't been on a date recently, when you in fact were on one a day ago. What else is that, if not deceit?

As I say, you reap what you sow - you lie, and your expectation is that others lie, so no wonder you find yourself second guessing people when their actions don't fit in with your worldview. A little reflection on why you feel the need to be untruthful might prove to be time well spent.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118296921#Comment_118296921

I think you're too focused in on this point. To say that most people don't lie when dating is very naive! I'm talking about white lies which are "a harmless or trivial lie, especially one told to avoid hurting someone's feelings". I wouldn't consider saying I was on a date a while ago instead of a day ago to be the end of the world!

bottlebrush

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297019#Comment_118297019

And by the same token, he mightn't consider telling you he had a headache when he might have been doing something else to be the end of the world. It's all subjective and nobody here can tell you whether or not he was being truthful.

Focus on the other things that go on on your life rather on this individual who came into your life - a mere month ago. See how he fits into your existing schedule rather than worrying about whether you can fit you into his.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297019#Comment_118297019

Whose feelings would you hurt in this case? If it was nothing, you would easily say it.

It always amazes me that people lie especially in dating situation, when building trust from the very being is very important!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118295485#Comment_118295485

Because you could say it about anything.

"Maybe he was tired from all that bomb-making and terrorist activity, OP."

"I hear satanic rituals are fierce involved these days, OP. I'd keep an eye out."

"Having four different families can take its toll, OP. I think it sounds like this guy could have fathered 17 children by now."

If you had experience of terrorism, satanism, or bigamy, you'd project those experiences onto OP's situation. You're doing it with alcohol and it seems perfectly plausible, to you.

Ficheall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118297019#Comment_118297019

It's not a white lie. You're telling it for your own benefit - not for any of the guys you're dating.

You're dishonest and it's making you suspect the guy you're dating is too.

Many people wouldn't consider taking their time responding to texts or cancelling a movie night because you weren't feeling well to be the end of the world, and other people would lose their minds over it, and others would decide you were an alcoholic off riding around you.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118299141#Comment_118299141

But all your other reasons wouldn't fit social meetings only with OP and private cancelled....

Also people gave many different reasons for his cancelling and you didn't react and ridiculed them, yet you jump so much for my suggestion, so who is projecting here?

JimmyVik

OP have you actually spoken to this guy. Try not texting and actually speaking. It will change your life.

JoChervil

@Ads by Google

Also what is a probability of terrorism, statism or bigamy and what is a probability in Ireland that guy may be drinking too much?

Snails pace

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300236#Comment_118300236

Brilliant advice. If you pick up the phone and ring the person. Spoken words can get lost in translation over text. Verbal communication is the best way to solve an argument

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300484#Comment_118300484

having an ‘argument’ after a month of dating would be a huge red flag to me. This should be a relaxed conversation to understand each other’s attitudes

Dial Hard

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300200#Comment_118300200

It's been a month! Perfectly normal time frame to still be in the "out and about" phase of dates.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118300773#Comment_118300773

It's probably cultural differences. If you add tiredness and headaches causing cancelling dates and doing so in a weird way, so for me it would be worth investigating, just to be sure.

As I just read in The Irish Post trying to learn more about drinking in Ireland: "You’re only ‘drunk’ if you’re on the floor - not if you’re on the table - right?"

So problematic drinking doesn't exist in Ireland. You are either normal or an alcoholic.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

@JoChervil you've made your point regarding alcohol/drink issues which is not what the OP is asking advice on and and never raised. Please leave it there.

That said @struck1 you've resolved your initial query regarding the cancelling of the date with the guy in question and got plenty of advice and opinion on the issue of being flaky/texting. I know you're still replying to posters in fairness to you, so I'll leave the thread open for the moment, but if you want it closed just let me know.

Thanks

HS

struck1

I really do appreciate the advice I've received so far. I'm not great at dating and it's great to get some outside perspective on it.

I went on another date with him last night. He never mentioned the whole "incident" and I guess it was a complete non-issue for him! I will admit we got a lot more intimate than ever before because his issue has cleared up, but not quite the full sex. I don't know if that's relevant information or not, but I thought I should say it.

I have however found another potential issue. I seem to keep finding these and me thinking about them causes me so much angst. I have to admit I've been keeping active on Tinder. I haven't swiped right on anyone since we've started dating, but I think I just go on out of curiosity more than anything. I have however just noticed this week that he has changed some pictures on his dating profile.

I know I shouldn't care because we are not official, but I can't help but feel hurt. I'm sure now that he's up and running again sex-wise, he's on the lookout for anyone to fulfil his needs.

Is the best thing just to sit down with him and ask if he wants to be exclusive with me? Even if he says yes, I still feel hurt that he still sees me as an option. I know it's only been a few dates but you'd like to think that by now he's not considering dating other people. Again this is my naivety kicking in.

JPup

But you're on tinder too, no? Or am I reading that wrong? Why would it be one standard for him and another for you?

You're going to have to just talk to the guy. Say that you like him and want to be exclusive (I'm only about 10 years older than you and using that phrase makes me feel ancient because it didn't exist 'in my day' - I blame love island!) and see where it goes. If he's just not that into you so be it. At least you'll know.

Loafing Oaf

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118303982#Comment_118303982

 Even if he says yes, I still feel hurt that he still sees me as an option.

You mean, just one option among many? Well I suppose if he was nursing doubts about your willingness to 'put out' he may have felt entitled to keep his options open. But now that you're getting down to business in the bedroom (or wherever😜) I would have thought he should take it as read that you are supposed to be exclusive. If he doesn't see that of his own accord I doubt he is the kind of guy you are looking for.

rainbowtrout

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118303982#Comment_118303982

Why is it ok for you to go on Tinder but not for him? You say you feel hurt because he was on Tinder, well maybe he feels the same if he goes on and see that you were on it. Honestly, you are going to have to start communicating better if you want this to last. Pick up the phone and talk to this guy. You seem to want to have it all your own way, with short conversations on text, because that is what suits you, and you say that he drags out conversations. He probably doesn't see it like this at all. He's just replying to a text from you when it suits him.

YellowLead

It’s sounds like after a month you are ready to be exclusive but he is not.

However that doesn’t necessarily mean he isn’t into you. I would often remain active online if I liked somebody but wasn’t sure where it would go.

Might as well ask him if he sees you becoming exclusive or if it’s just casual, if it’s causing you stress not knowing this early on.

PoisonIvyBelle

I understand why the cancellation thing annoyed you, I think we often have more of a build up to dates in our heads than guys do - they just turn up whereas we'd often spend an evening getting ready/deciding what to wear and all that. So cancellation is annoying. BUT I'd recommend saying that to him if it happens again rather than going down the "do you still like me" route. He might well have been out with the lads. Or he might have been doing something at home on his own that he wanted to focus on instead. Or the headache might have been worse. Or he might have just been in a shite mood. It doesn't really matter because the root of your annoyance is the insecurity of where you stand.

With the current Tinder situation - if you want to be exclusive then tell him that's what you want & that you're going to delete your Tinder. He'll likely say he's going to also. But don't be checking it every hour after to make sure he does, some guys just really don't think this stuff is important and it might go out of his head for a few days until he gets around to it.

If you trust him, none of this should really be a thing. If you don't trust him, I'd end it before it starts because it's not going anywhere.

When I got into a relationship, I changed my Tinder photos and hid my profile so it didn't show up for anyone. It means you can't look at new people either.

Jequ0n

You’re clearly looking for reasons why this won’t work. Why don’t you just cut him lose already, so he can find someone who is ok with who he is? Though you will probably face the same problem with the next person, and the next..because you are ignoring your actual problems and dismissing everyone here who points them out.

osarusan

First it was his cancellation, then it was his texting and how that makes him flaky, now it's him being on tinder (even though you were too).

For whatever reason, you have doubts about this guy or this relationship, and you're going to find/invent a way out of things.