He cancelled our date last minute

Big Bag of Chips

I know guys here will jump again because men advising women here very often want women in certain convenient for them places in real life, which might not be the best place for you

@JoChervil

Generalisations such as the one you posted above are not welcome in the Relationship Issues forum. Please make sure you are familiar with The Forum Charter before you continue to post in the forum.

Thanks,

Please do not respond to a moderator instruction on thread.

struck1

Just to update you all, he called things off because he said he wasn't ready for a relationship. I guess my overthinking mind was right this time! Oh well. Back to the drawing board again.

loveall

Sorry to hear that struck1. It'll happen, take it easy.

YellowLead

Key lesson here is don’t get invested too soon and don’t put your eggs in one basket. Most things fizzle out after a few weeks and it’s hard to find something that lasts where both are on the same page. But happen it does so keep at it. Don’t get your hopes up next time and then you won’t get into the questioning/freaking out phase if or before it fizzles.

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311428#Comment_118311428

I don't think I would have gotten as invested if it wasn't for him been so keen in person and the messages he sent.

I'm surprisingly okay though. I think I was more worked up over the uncertainty as opposed to having overly strong feelings for him.

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311609#Comment_118311609

But that is one thing to learn - until exclusivity is agreed and a few months have passed it doesn’t matter what somebody says in terms of how into you they are.

Agree it was the wondering and uncertainty that was stressful for you here, you probably feel lighter that’s it’s gone! Good to know you’re not upset. Hopefully you’ll find things easier with time - take it all very casually and be less needing and that will happen.

loveall

I think you've dodged a bullet and pat yourself on the back that you knew the story really! You can go forward with some faith in yourself..... and don't settle for anything less than you deserve. All the best.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311609#Comment_118311609

Sounds like lovebombing OP. Very common tactic.

Accelerated the natural progression of a blossoming relationship in order to make you feel secure and to have sex with you. Except he decided last minute he wasn’t going to follow through when he got you where he wanted on a weekday.

Why? Because he probably has a GF.

Sounds like a lucky escape to me!

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311665#Comment_118311665

I did feel like it was a strange coincidence that this happened a couple of days after we were intimate. Maybe what he experienced wasn't as good as he thought it would be.

He certainly doesn't have a girlfriend as he's on Tinder and only broke up with his ex about three months ago.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311744#Comment_118311744

Does she know they’re broken up?

Im not being mean. I actually experienced this on the apps when I was single and so have my friends/coworkers.

Even if he is telling the truth, 3 months broken up is nothing. He was in rebound mode. How could you think this would turn into anything?

And as for your comment above “maybe it wasn’t as good as he thought” - Don’t you dare think that! You are not a service to be rated. You are a lovely, fab human being that deserves a lot more than what this cowardice limp dick was serving up. Sometimes the obvious conclusion is the conclusion or reason ? He sounds like he was playing you. Learn from this experience.

Just be careful is all I’m saying OP.

You had a lucky escape x

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311770#Comment_118311770

I don't have any experiences with rebounds so it never really crossed my mind. Would that explain the behaviour?

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311799#Comment_118311799

Sounds like he wanted to have sex.

from my perspective, yes it sounds like rebound or man who is still in a relationship behaviour.

be very careful who you get involved with OP. Do your research, especially with online dates.

If he’s in the next town, you should of looked at social media and asked a mutual friend or someone from that area about him.

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311744#Comment_118311744

Think of it as maybe he couldn't do it to you because he did like you. Love bombing, if that is what is was, is the worst, incredibly cruel and yet so addictive. Take it at face value.... he's not ready for a relationship; grand, right so.....happy days ahead :)

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311820#Comment_118311820

Sorry, what is love bombing? I did a quick google and it's telling me about cult behaviour!

loveall

I'm sure redlipgloss can explain it much better than I, but go with the actions, not the words.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311844#Comment_118311844

It’s a manipulative tactic used by people who date. One person accelerates the beginnings of a relationship (8 dates in a month, was it? - seems excessive) by flattering you, wanting your attention, overwhelming affection, demanding your attention in person and through the phone to an unhealthy level aka everyday for a stranger, telling you what you want to hear - all with the aim of gaining your trust and commitment so early on. You feel secure, you let your guard down, you sleep with them and for a fella who “loves spending time with you” was gone like the clappers!

Come on OP.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311865#Comment_118311865

Well, that’s what I would of always said myself before my current relationship. Im currently trying to practice that myself atm @loveall sometimes you can be blinded when you’re in the situation and need help.

Struck1 - you’ll bounce back from this and you’ll be fine x

struck1

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311882#Comment_118311882

Okay it wasn't that so. It was 50/50 on initiating dates. I would have seen him more times if he was more available. He wasn't demanding my attention in person or on the phone!

Should I just write him off entirely? I don't know how rebounds work, but do people ever get over it and go back to their rebound? You know, when they eventually get over their ex? I'm in two minds about removing him from my life entirely (blocking him from social media, unmatching on Tinder, removing him from my contacts) but at the same time if he ever does get over his ex I wouldn't mind if he reached out.

loveall

@redlipgloss

If we followed our own advice we'd be deadly!!!! ;)

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311922#Comment_118311922

But he did reel you in with the honesty thing. Over analysis leads to paralysis. Don't look back, learn and move on...that's life. Wishing you every happiness, so you do that for you too.

JoChervil

I am afraid OP, he will be back in few days. So be careful and wise. You sound very vulnerable and already under his spell.

TheadoreT

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311922#Comment_118311922

I wouldn't cling onto the "not ready for a relationship" excuse for ending things. Substitute in "I'm not that into you" in the vast majority of cases, it's basically a less mean way of saying that. And his behaviour matched that too to be honest.

Let it go, you'll only prolong your suffering and this will very likely end in him being ready for some other girl more suited to him sooner or later and you'll be heartbroken.

Jequ0n

@struck1

Sorry it didn’t work out. There are a million reasons why this might have been the case, and he might have just realised (like yourself) that you weren’t they compatible. And that’s where I would leave it.

I really think you should be taking some of the advice on this thread with a pinch of salt. Nobody here knows either of you, but it doesn’t stop people from brandishing theories.

Move on and just accept that it wasn’t meant to be, and think about what you don’t want repeated next time, so you can exit the train before it reaches full speed.

Best of luck.

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312007#Comment_118312007

I don't consider it brandishing theories if all was said with the very best intent for struck1. There are things out there that she should know about. These things are not that uncommon as people here have experienced them. I assume she came here for a wider opinion. It is not projection when people are gently wanting her to find her own way around a minefield. Heartbreak is no fun for anyone....takes lives. Attacking posters for gently lifting the blinkers is projection.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312112#Comment_118312112

I didn’t attack anyone. I just advised the OP to take things with a pinch of salt. Everyone can come up with a lot of theories now (based on experience or whatever), but it won’t do any good to her.

fishersham

Sorry to hear that OP.

At least he didn't ghost or lead you on any longer. Happens to the best of us.

I'd say deep down you knew this wasn't going to work out. I've found personally that any time I'm not sure how a lad feels and stress over it, it's been because they just didn't like me at all/ enough. And on some level I've picked up on it, hence the overanalysing. Likewise when I've fretted over whether or not XYZ thing is, a red flag, usually it's because I'm just not that into them and am blowing XYZ out of proportion so I have an easy out.

There is something to be said about going with your gut sometimes. I think your gut was telling you to bail.

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312147#Comment_118312147

She's after learning at least one thing, about love bombing. In her present position I'd have thought that bloody useful. But sure I'm very happy to know nothing......life is such wonder....but best done safely.

redlipgloss

Maybe I was a bit forward with my theories.

Sorry OP and those on here.

I guess I’m going through my own stuff too and @loveall is so right - if I took my own advice I’d be better off. Well, as hard as it’s gonna be I’m gonna have to face up to it.

Sorry if I came across blunt OP

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118311922#Comment_118311922

Yeah I’d leave it go. Not sure why you’re so determined to hang on to him. It is what it is. Cut contact. Why should he have access to you at the drop of a hat? When HE feels like it? What about how YOU feel?

loveall

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312171#Comment_118312171

Done with the best of intentions

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312170#Comment_118312170

There was nothing in his behaviour that suggested such a thing though.

anyway, I don’t want to derail the thread.

Hannibal_Smith

Mod Note

OP, sorry to hear things have ended. I hope you're OK.

Seeing as the relationship has come to an end and your situation is resolved, I'm going to close the thread here.

Thanks everyone for taking the time to offer help and advice

HS