My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

SunnySundays

People tell us who they are and their actions tell us what they want.

The problem is we won't listen or won't see it because we are hoping for a different outcome.

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118314431#Comment_118314431

"Am i imagining it"

Are you thinking you're mistaken and your attentive partner is giving you earth shattering orgasms,are you thinking well no but we have a decent enough sex life? Are you thinking no but at least he's trying?

If you're imagining it as you allude to in the above post then everything else you've posted here is complete lies.

Actions are a real indicator of what going on,words are meaningless if they don't somewhat align.

You've got good advice on here,I don't how how much else can be said.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118316898#Comment_118316898

No I meant am I imagining the passive aggressive behaviour like being brushed off or dismissed. Sorry should of been clear.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118316981#Comment_118316981

How is this passive aggressive? Is it not rather dismissive?

I’d get it if he wanted you to be anxious and “eager to please” to get attention, but it that doesn’t fit the pattern either because he is so passive.

Believe me OP, the longer you remain the more difficult it will be to walk, but if you want to stay that’s up to you and ok too.

KaneToad

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118315683#Comment_118315683

Have you ever told him, explicitly, that 30 seconds isn't enough and that you want more? Or do you just sigh internally when he gives up too soon. Maybe he just needs a lot of education and direction.

I may be clutching at straws here..but if it is a relationship you hoped would endure you probably need to be sure you've exhausted all possibilities.

HBC08

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118316981#Comment_118316981

Apologies, I picked that up wrong.

Bottom line is this fella isn't a life partner for you.Id be embarrassed If I couldn't get my partner off,the fact that you make it easy for him for him makes it worse.Youre not a prude and literally explain it to him makes it worse.

I've had friends who stayed with fellas for years before they figure that out,do you want to be like them or do you want to cop on and move on with your life?

Make the right decision, you've got got advice on here.

whats_my_name

Was in a similar relationship for 3 years. We both had an evenly matched sex drive only his interest started to wane. Came to light then that he was addicted to porn. Would knock one or five out at work, come home to me & show zero interest. Admitted he had a problem after persistent "chats" on my behalf. In the end I couldn't put up with it anymore, you'd know day to day if he had pleasured himself purely by the amount of interest he would show in me when he came home. & then when he did show interest in me I would be constantly thinking who has he been creeping on on social media that day that has got him in the mood to have sex. It broke me, my self esteem was on the floor, I was a shell of my former self and still probably haven't recovered from it all...don't be me thinking he'll change, they don't & they won't change for the next person that comes (no pun intended!) along either.

California Dreamer

108 comments and still the OP can't see the writing on the wall.

Dump his ass, save yourself the cost of a Christmas present, use the money to buy yourself something nice and get some decent sex!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118316131#Comment_118316131

Ok, at that age there should really ( hopefully) be no medical issues, so it must be in the head, for what ever reason !

YellowLead

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118318656#Comment_118318656

Actually it can occur at any age - if somebody is taking medication for depression/anxiety for example that can affect performance drastically regardless of age.

But he can still get himself off, he just ignores OPs needs so it’s not a medical issue from that respect.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118318104#Comment_118318104

Its been very frustrating and the enthusiasm or horniness isn’t there from his side…not looking to be humped 24 hrs of the day but some sort of sexual activity or desire or excitement would be great.

when he can’t get in a position or do something, he puts the criticism on me or my physical appearance. Not only am I trying too hard and not orgasming, I also have to listen to him complain too. Every time he does that.

i was thinking today and looking back over the last few months… My confidence has taken a real knock and in the last few weeks, I’m feeling ugly and not sexy.

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118322875#Comment_118322875

so whats the verdict? are you gonna carry on with him or dump him?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118319077#Comment_118319077

Its why I said Hopefully ! At that age there SHOULD be less chance if it being medical, but that can always occur.

riclad

I don't use social media I find it strange a man would be liking women's pics on insta while not putting much effort into his own relationship . my advice move on he sounds like a lazy selfish idiot you can do better it sounds like friends with benefits. But what do you get out of it ? you, ll find a nice bloke who will take care of his girlfriend and appreciate her in the bedroom and make her feel special he's ignoring your needs it's unlikely things will improve this is a common problem. you know the problem the only solution is to break up .

Maybe he's a nice bloke but he's not being attentive or responding to your needs in any way.

if you stay with him you will just feel worse undervalued and used for sex

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118327011#Comment_118327011

I’m not sure why people have said friends with benefits because we are apparently is a “serious relationship”… that’s what I’ve been told or reassured anyway.

Yeah it was surprise to me too as before that he claimed he wasn’t into Instagram or social media at all lol

riclad

you are in a relationship, it sounds like you boyfriend is a stereotype Male selfish idiot, he does not listen to you,he does not care about giving you pleasure, he Likes other women on social media,i presume every one under 30 is on social media ,insta,tik tok or using dating apps, is it normal for a boyfriend to be liking women on insta ,it sounds creepy to me, if this is a serious relationship ,which i think it is. i dont know is it true, i read storys many young men watch alot of porn, which distorts how they behave when they have sex with women .

even biilie eilish was interviewed on the howard stern show recently she said she watched way too much porn, she says it had a negative effect when she started to have sex with her first boyfriends

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118328344#Comment_118328344

You see, I wouldn’t give a f*ck if he put some effort into our relationship and made me feel wanted and loved but that is not what’s happening and it leaves me feeling “not good enough” or sexy in my BF eyes. And the fact the women were in the same city made me completely insecure. Seems he can go on and on about how he trusts me and that, but he can do what he likes! I feel I’m being used as a time stamp because none of it makes sense.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118328492#Comment_118328492

I don’t think anyone on this thread questioned how you feel. The question has been what you want to do about it.

Because so far you have not taken anything on board, which is ok, but it makes the thread kind of pointless.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118328535#Comment_118328535

Jequ0n, I have. Believe me.

I’m in pain and tortured.

I suppose my discussing it is just me trying to process or get my head around the “why” - my head is absolutely wrecked.

I totally accept there’s only one course of action.

riclad

The point is he is a selfish lazy bad boyfriend, hes not listening to you, or responding to your needs, why is someone in a normal happy relationship wasting time Liking other women on instagram, it makes no sense to me at all ,i don,t think hes going to change, he may like you alot, he may find you sexy and attractive he may trust you, but he is not listening to you or even trying to make things better.hes happy to have sex with you anyway.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118328573#Comment_118328573

Is the “why” really that relevant, or maybe just an excuse to leave things as they are?

I hope you find your answer in time, despite people trying to put pressure on you.

YellowLead

I hope the ‘why’ you are trying to figure out is why you stayed with him for so long, and not why he behaves as he does. Because if it’s the latter you will drive yourself crazy never getting to the bottom of it, and it’s irrelevant as Jequ0n said.

Try writing it all down in a diary, all the frustrations you have with him and hopefully it will help you see it clearly enough to leave him.

Imagine being with somebody who have a mutually respectful relationship with you where you feel loved and desired. Nice right? Well you’ll never have that staying with this current man.

loveall

Misogynist.....

The word keeps coming to mind.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118318208#Comment_118318208

This was my first thought too - a lot of the symptoms of porn addiction.

On another note OP seems like a woman aware and confident in her own sexuality, able to be an active partner and to ask for what she wants. This is more rare than would would think and for most men a very attractive quality. If it is being wasted on an undeserving man right now, rest assured there are plenty out there who will welcome and reciprocate.

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118329959#Comment_118329959

Well my confidence is on the floor these days. Especially when he’s looking at a certain type of woman online and I’m stressing wondering why and why doesn’t he want me.

But tbh, I wasn’t exactly flooded with eligible men at my feet. I had a string of bad dating experiences before committing to him. Dating has been nothing but negative for me.

The big thing for me is what would a man have to gain by keeping a woman in a relationship that’s he doesn’t love or wants to have sex with her so why !

I am re reading posts here. Great advice. And yes I’m taking it all on board. Now I’m just trying to get my head around it all.

TheadoreT

You're taking nothing in tbh. Your "big thing" is still wrapped around crippling insecurities. It's nothing about what you may want or expect.

Much like the relationship, you need to take a step back from posting, it's getting you nowhere. And go seek professional help, clearly nobody here can even begin to get through to you.

CrookedJack

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118334373#Comment_118334373

What you need to realize is that this is not a problem with you, it's a problem with him. You are speaking as if,"if only i was more attractive he would be less selfish in bed", but that really isn't the case. Selfish people are selfish. His liking other women on Instagram is no indication he'd be a better lover to them - liking takes zero effort, which is his current lovemaking style anyway.

I think there are two issues here - His selfishness in bed and separately your self-esteem. I think you are letting the latter cloud the former. I think really you should let him go as the sexual compatibility will never be there, and then on a personal level explore speaking to someone to help you rebuild your self-image. I have started counseling myself for similar issues and I know how damaging they can be. feel free to reach out if you have any questions about it.

Also beware the sunk-cost fallacy, just because you've invested a lot of time and effort into your relationship does not mean it's a good idea to keep trying to make it work.

Mad_maxx

he should have broke it off long ago but so should you , you know its not working so what are you waiting for , he may be a pr1ck but he isnt responsible for you having low self esteem long term so you will have to act decisively

dump his ass and good luck

riclad

Some men are simply bad lovers, selfish, lazy, there a cliche why buy the cow, I get the milk for free, he's unlikely to change you sound like a smart woman who is not sure what to do

is he nice to you outside the bedroom do you go out for meals or other activitys do, es he listen to you get you presents is he kind in other ways outside the bedroom

You'd be better off single than in a bad relationship as you are simply wasting time yes in a pandemic dating or meeting anyone is difficult it's not easy to chat up someone while wearing a mask I think some people are using zoom or talking online before the meet someone for a real life date

I'd be Very suspicious of a man who is looking at other women on Instagram if he's supposed to be in love with his girlfriend you have to think about this eg should you break up as he's probably happy enough to continue this relationship I think he's simply a lazy selfish man he may have a problem with watching too much porn or spending too much time in social media or he is simply not in love with you and is not likely to change his behavior in the future

I don't think there is a mysterious subtle solution to be found here that will turn him into a good bf or a good lover

redlipgloss

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345506#Comment_118345506

Hi Riclad,

Thanks for your post. Simply put, I’m just a woman who is unsure of what to do.

He never plans anything. He has booked one or two things the whole time I’ve been with him. We’ve taken turns paying for food which is ok but he’s never even bought me a bunch of flowers or a surprise. I have bought or made him this and that over the last year. He can say insensitive things sometimes, has insulted me indirectly. Very secretive with his phone. I feel I’m kept on the outside and not included with family/friend life.

Ive done nothing to deserve this. I’ve been a good girlfriend and a decent person.

vicwatson

Just walk

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345647#Comment_118345647

You've done, you accepted it. People treat others as they are allowed to do.

elf1225

OP. I am the same age as you and the exact same thing is happening to me. I could have written it. I am about to break up with him and move out. My self esteem is on the floor. I won’t bother going into details here. >>Mod Snip<< What we’ve gone through is not common and frankly one of the most scarring experiences I’ve had. >>Mod Snip<<

__________

Mod Note

@elf1225 I've removed parts of your post that are completely against the Charter here.

OP if anyone PMs you on foot of your thread here, please let myself or any other of the PI Mods know.

HS

riclad

Heres a link that's relevant,

https://www.bustle.com/articles/95227-how-to-deal-with-someone-whos-selfish-in-bed-and-what-it-means-for-your

He's a selfish lazy boyfriend who is not listening to you he is not trying to get better this is a common problem i would be concerned if he is not allowing you to look at his phone or holding onto to it at all times he may be texting or dm, ing other women on social media while pretending to be single he maybe be using or looking at certain websites that are not appropriate for someone who has a girlfriend it just sounds as if you would be better off breaking up with him than to continue to be in a mediocre relationship that's bad for your self esteem

Time is limited at least if you are single you have the chance to meet someone who is kind considerate thoughtful and at least ready to try to take the time to take care of their partners needs it sounds as if this relationship is one sided he gets alot more out it than you do and he is not exactly the romantic type of person and he takes you for granted as a partner

There's an obvious reason he may not want you to see his phone

it sounds like he's not in love with you but needs a gf to hang out with . As mentioned in the article there's some men who are selfish lovers and simply pay no attention to the needs of their partners I think a good bf will buy their girlfriend small gifts now and again and flowers at least 3 times a year valentines day birthdays etc it seems he does not make any type romantic gestures towards you that should be a Red flag hes not in love

he s just a bad boyfriend it's close to Xmas you may not want to break up at this time and be left alone it's understandable

If my gf wants to look at my phone any time I give it to her I don't care I don't use social media I have nothing to hide except my addiction to looking at 2 hour YouTube podcasts about pc gaming which she would find boring and juvenile I'd be concerned about why is he being secretive with his phone is he maybe texting or using apps to contact other women?



Zak Flaps

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118345647#Comment_118345647

This thread has been going on over a week. You've had lots of advice, most saying the same thing.....dump him. What exactly are you waiting for? What is there to get your head around?

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118354728#Comment_118354728

It's hard for somebody emotionally invested in a relationship to come to terms with being single again. This fella might be a crap boyfriend (yes OP, you need to dump him) but I get the impression she still thinks he can somehow become the partner she would like him to be. Then there are all the trappings that come along with being in a couple. It's hard to say goodbye to all of those and go back to being on one's own again.

JPup

Probably also the time of year as well. Understandably people are reluctant to break up immediately before Christmas. I could see there being a serious new year's day conversation round their place though!

Mad_maxx

this is one of those tests in life we face now and again , end it

trish65

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058222472/my-bf-doesn-t-want-to-have-sex-with-me

Hey gorgeous I’m sorry you have to deal with such a jerk; Don’t shoot yourself down most of the girls photos he is thirsty for don’t even look like that in real. Remember you are beautiful and you deserve someone who loves and desires you. Leave his ass you will be fine within a month it’s only few months relationship.

redlipgloss2

Hi everyone,

Posted here before about an ongoing lack of sex/lack of desire issue with my BF. We are together a while and since December, our relationship had improved and we were getting on well. Until this week. Long story short, he was showing me something on his phone and a dating app notification came up in full view. To say I was shell shocked and left feeling hurt/confused was an understatement as before this popped up, we were in a great place. He only decided to explain himself hours after it happened and only because I brought it up. You name it, he downplayed it and maintained he doesn't use it. I do feel if I hadn’t brought it up, he would never have addressed it. He protested his innocence. I don’t believe him.

advice?

Big Bag of Chips

Threads merged

YellowLead

There’s only one reason for him to have a dating app profile set up - to chat to other women. Regardless of whether he’s actively dating - he’s certainly looking. It sounds like he wants to line somebody else up first before ending things with you - some guys are like that.

I really don’t know why you are clinging on to this man - grab some dignity and dump him!!!

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118741728#Comment_118741728

Thanks for your reply.

Ive been reading over my thread and I’m just kicking myself tbh. We might as well be back in December. Nothing has changed.

From my POV, we talked back then, things seemed better and we were, or so I thought, in a good place and I trusted him.

Now, I can’t believe his explanations or any word, including how he feels about me, that comes out of his mouth.

I feel so hurt.

Jequ0n

Sorry OP. You are fulfilling a need for him, though none of us can tell you what it is that he gains from this relationship. He has been testing boundaries to see what he can and will get away with, and so far this has worked for him.

He will probably briefly change tactic and be the boyfriend you want him to be once you announce that you are leaving, but it won’t change anything in the long run. The longer you accept behaviour that harms your self esteem the more damage you will take. Oh, and he will dump you eventually once he has a new host.

He has shown you who he is, so you need to decide how much longer you want to do this to yourself.

My tuppence worth, OP, is to keep friendly with guys on the dating app you’re familiar with, you might just happen to match with somebody who is very nice, then you can dump the “dumpworthy” when the time is right and you could regain the confidence that is due to you. But I know you would be the type who doesn’t want to raise false hopes or hurt anyone new either. Keep conversations with guys on the site light-hearted and casual, maybe ask them about the dates they might have had, good or bad. Eg I had a friendly chat with a guy about how a storm ruined travel plans for my date, and same thing happened him. We have a nice casual online friendship, no harm in that whilst cultivating potential relationships.

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118743180#Comment_118743180

With all due respect, I’m talking about my relationship with my boyfriend.

A relationship we both agreed was serious and committed.

I haven’t used a dating app since we agreed to be in a relationship and both agreed to delete our apps and accounts to be with eachother.

Not sure why you’re talking about my usage of apps as it’s irrelevant? Perhaps I’m misinterpreting what you’re saying?

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118742829#Comment_118742829

Im not sure what the need is either. He still hasn’t told me he loves me. I can’t believe the fact if I hadn’t seen it or took a few more seconds before I looked up to see what he was showing me or if I had been too occupied at the time, I’d be completely oblivious that he was still on an dating app. But now I can’t unsee it.

I feel like a fool, used, betrayed. You name it.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118743280#Comment_118743280

What difference does he make if he told you he loved you? At least he isn’t pretending by telling you what you want to hear.

I can guarantee you that you’d be hearing everything you want if he wanted to make this work, but he still doesn’t seem to be bothered.

I can understand the side of the pretending liar very well, and there is nothing in your descriptions that indicates he cares.

The real question is why you are still there and what you want to do. Do you know? You can’t change the past but you can make a decision going forward so maybe don’t be so hard on yourself.

Hannibal_Smith

Im completely alone in the relationship. I’ve no idea how he feels about me. I’ll talk to him, he’ll reassure me and protest that he does feel this and that way but afterwards, he goes back to the same behaviour.

This is what you said earlier on in the thread. Almost 4 months later you're feeling exactly the same way. This is a relationship that's only a year old.

You're relying on his reactions and behaviour as a base for your decisions. If he says what you want to hear you’ll stick with it all the while time is ticking towards the next blow up. He'll keep repeating the same pattern. You'll keep tolerating it. He hasn't changed and for as long as the relationship continues the cycle will repeat itself. If this is what it's like now and you stick with it, what will it be like 5 or 10 years down the road?

TheTempest

Just read through the whole thread.

You need to end this relationship immediately. The longer it drags on, the worse its affecting you.

There's nothing to get your head around. You deserve better. Leave him.