My BF doesn’t want to have sex with me

Tork

OP you sound like someone saying "my leg is hanging off, do you think I need to see a doctor?"

I'm not sure what it is you're looking for from this thread. Everyone is telling you to leave this fella but for reasons we can't help you with, you refuse to entertain the thought. Why?

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118744052#Comment_118744052

Self doubt and fear

Tork

Fear of what? Can you elaborate?

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118744442#Comment_118744442

Self doubt? What are you doubting?

Fear? Of what?

Surely you know this isn't a proper relationship? You are together a year, you should be ripping each others clothes off!

And now you know he is still using dating apps.

What is keeping you in this 'relationship '

JoChervil

OP, you are posting here only to upload your load, to upload your misery on others. You don't want to make any afford to change your situation, you just want an instant relief, which will help you stay in this relationship a little longer.

You don't take on board anything what was said here. You are like a nagging wife. Instead of setting proper boundaries and command proper treatment or leave, you are constantly complaining. Without you changing your behaviour, it will keep falling on a deaf ear. And it will happen not only with your boyfriend but here as well. How long people can read about your constant misery and your unwillingness to do anything about it.

At least I am tired of it.

We all self doubt ourselves from time to time and we all have to face fears in our lives, so what? We do what is good for us anyway. It's about a choice of living our lives or being a slave of others, because our needs will sooner or later come across in a conflicting way with needs of others and we have to fight for ourselves, for our needs to be fulfilled. Otherwise we feel used and miserable. And that is where you are atm.

Tork

Burying your head in the sand isn't going to bring about a better outcome for you. If he's genuinely in search of a replacement for you, you're going to get dumped once she's in situ. The alternative is that he's using the apps for casual sex and may be screwing around behind your back. There's no point in asking him about this because he's just going to lie and tell you want you want to hear. I think it would be a good idea for you to be tested for STIs because you really don't know who he has been with.

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118744805#Comment_118744805

He appears to be a good boyfriend, always there for me. My issue is - why would you keep up a relationship for a year consistently if you were messing around online?

im afraid of losing my relationship and possible future.

I don’t mean to log on here and offload and then do nothing - that’s not the case. Im not a fool but relationships are not black and white. He seems invested but seeing that app boggled my mind tbh. Now I don’t know what to believe which is the problem.

do I believe him and his explanations OR do I go with my gut and gtfo

What possible reason would he have for having a dating app? He wouldn't be getting notifications if he didn't use it.

And why did you wait hours to ask about it?

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118746350#Comment_118746350

Claimed he doesn’t use them since he met me and he keeps getting notifications to “return”

km991148

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118746335#Comment_118746335

"im afraid of losing my relationship and possible future."

Maybe its a question of

"Why aren't I letting this relationship go and denying a better possible future"

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118746371#Comment_118746371

So he hasn't used the app for over a year? But yet he still gets notifications from it? Rubbish.

why hasn't he uninstalled the app then?

Tork

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118746371#Comment_118746371

If you believe that, I've got a bridge in Brooklyn I can sell you. If nothing else, how can you justify being with somebody who insults your intelligence like this. If he wasn't using the app any more, why didn't he uninstall it? You know exactly why it's on his phone.

What sort of future do you foresee with this guy? Seriously? It's obvious that you are terrified of being single and see this fella as your last chance to avoid being left on the shelf. The relationship mightn't be perfect in your eyes but already you've got pictures of the big wedding and the kids and the nice house and the dog in your mind, haven't you? The only shame is that this guy is trawling around for other women and isn't that pushed about you as a life partner. But because he knows you're desperate and are willing to swallow his lies, he can tell you what you want to hear. Am I being unnecessarily harsh here?

tmh106

"im afraid of losing my relationship and possible future."

From what you have posted about the "relationship" in here, I think hanging on to it is the worst thing you can do and the future you are fearful of losing you are actually losing every day you stay in this relationship.

You talk about not being able to leave due to "Self doubt and fear". They, while completely understandable, are terrible reasons to stay in a relationship. I think you should talk to a professional counsellor about this. I think it could really help you.

YellowLead

I mean....just even re read your own thread title OP...

Also...if he had deleted the apps he would be getting emails asking him to return not notifications from the apps themselves!!!!

Ive often paused my profiles but not deleted the apps and I’ve never gotten a notification. Only time I think I’ve had notifications is if I have active profiles.

Staying with this guy smacks of low self esteem which is so unfortunate - if you weren’t so low you wouldn’t be clinging to a guy who is clearly not invested at all.

Be the dumper not the dumpee here - you’ll actually feel good taking a little bit of power back.

Pissy Missy

Your gut is raising red flags for you, you know this deep down, him not having sex with you, the dating app, him not caring enough to explain himself immediately and brushing it off like it was nothing but at the same time it's so hard to get out when you've invested time in someone, it's much easier to believe the lies than the truth as the truth is much more painful and you can't look at it objectively when you're so far in (love is blind). I was a total door mat for my ex, had so many red flags, and then he cheated on me (very possibly always cheating on me) and I eventually still took him back. Personally it was too hard to lose 'his love' as I had no love for myself. Thankfully faith stepped in and I'm so thankful it did, I finally found self esteem and self respect and self worth.

I can sympathise and perhaps on some level empathise with you. Its so hard, but remember you were single before you met him and no doubt you got on just fine, you were probably even happier because you had less drama in your life.

If you need more proof you could just get someone to text him and see if he takes the bait, or just wait for other moments/signs to show that he isn't invested. Sorry don't mean to be insensitive but if someone is acting as you describe him, it's not good.

Roxxers

ditch the c unt then ditch this thread

Ash.J.Williams

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118746335#Comment_118746335

your future is elsewhere

Zak Flaps

OP....seriously, what are you doing? Are you looking for advice? Because you got loads. But you ignored it all. So what exactly are you doing? This has gotten so ridiculous that i feel it's either a joke, or you're just looking for attention.

theteal

Op, having read the whole thread (thanks insomnia) you've mentioned in the past that was secretive with his phone. Now you've seen the notification. If you're not seeing red flag here I dint know what to tell you. Did you ask him to uninstall the app? I think it's the least he could do out of respect to his partner.

I am sorry for the situation you've found yourself in and it's easy for outsiders to say but I can't see any good ending here. You say you fear ending your possible future, I would say you're doing more harm and wasting your possible future by not moving on.

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118749092#Comment_118749092

We had a conversation. He twisted it and got upset himself so I ended up looking after him all the while feeling hurt. I did research a few days after and profile is still up.

He didn’t sort his mess out - a mess that caused so much trouble and ruined an occasion for me.

To the poster who suggested this is a joke - I wish it was. This is just my life. I am posting here because I can’t make sense of it and no one to talk to tbh.

notAMember

OP, would you want a future with him? children with him doesn’t sound like a very good idea. He is either lying or is an eejit who can’t work his own phone. Are you still not included with his family? Still not having sex?

Listen, he’s obviously on the apps looking for someone else. I wouldn’t usually say this, but in this case maybe there’s nothing to stop you doing likewise if being single is what you fear. Line up a couple of possibilities before you jump. Make an exit strategy.

Hannibal_Smith

We had a conversation. He twisted it and got upset himself so I ended up looking after him all the while feeling hurt.

Of course he did. You know this is how things operate. You raise an issue, he changes tack, before long you're back to square one.

Despite the many pages of fairly unanimous advice that you have asked for, your decision is to stay in the relationship. That is of course your decision to make.

With that in mind, your request for advice on your recent issue is not asking for advice on the relationship, but whether you should believe what your boyfriend is saying. Given your history, I would have enormous difficulty believing he is accidentally getting notifications on a dating app. No one here can 100% answer for your boyfriend and say whether he's telling the truth or not, I highly doubt he is. But at the end of the day, what does it matter, you're going to stay with him no matter whether he's signed up to a dating app or not.

Jequ0n

@redlipgloss2

”We had a conversation. He twisted it and got upset himself so I ended up looking after him all the while feeling hurt.”

Of course this is how the conversation went, because the tactic works on you. Nothing surprising there because he has no incentive to change a working formula. It’s far more noteworthy that you are aware of what he is doing (“twisted it”), and still play along with your assigned role.

At this stage it’s quite clear why he is with you, and I’d be surprised if you didn’t know this yourself.

I think the best you can do at this stage is to talk to a therapist and do not tell your boyfriend about it. Good luck.

theteal

I'm not very up to date on these new fangled terms but is that not "gaslighting"?

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118312287#Comment_118312287

This post.

Put it this way. When we first met, I was so confident, not very experienced but enthusiastic in our relationship and in the bedroom. Now, I’m full of self doubt and my confidence has been knocked. Of course I feel inadequate and as if I’m not sexy enough or good enough - my BF should love me.

km991148

Op you sound like a good person that is self aware and good to know. You sound far too good for this relationship for sure.

Sounds like getting out and being single for a while might be a good Idea.

I get that might not be comfortable to hear and night be filled with anxiety and fears but it's a choice that will lead you to being more content and satisfied in life.

You'd be able for a great future relationship, just work on your own self esteem a bit first end get rid of this unfulfilling, lying, grown man child.

redlipgloss2

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118749228#Comment_118749228

seems that way.

Wombatman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118749292#Comment_118749292

First of all you should feel free to come on here and post about your feelings and situation anytime. Having a sounding board like this can be a great support to people. Nobody is being forced to read posts or respond to them. The flip side of this of course is you have to be prepared for some tough love and the odd bit of destructive criticism.

You said it. At this stage your BF should love you. Maybe he does but is afraid to say it or doesn't realise it. Not that important really. What is important is that you feel loved.

Despite all we see in the media, all relationships have their trade-offs and imperfections. I think the question you are struggling with is are you getting enough out of the relationship to make up for the negative side of it, a romantic cost-benefit analysis if you will.

It always has to come back to you. You will never be able to predict his behavior and motivations, now and into the future. You loving him or him loving you aren't the primary questions IMHO.

What is the likelihood you will be able to love yourself and flourish in this relationship? That's the big question.

Reading between the lines I would wouldn't bet on it.

Coming to the realisation you are in a bad relationship can trigger some tricky emotions. It can also be empowering. People can use it to carve out a new path for themselves, full of exciting possibilities. You said you were confident and happy before this relationship. That is a good indicator that you can build yourself back to this place outside of this relationship.

If you are going to end it, be decisive. No turning back.

Tork

OP, if you want something to change I strongly suggest you go talk to a therapist. I don't think one word of the advice on this thread is getting through to you. You've said you've got nobody to talk to in real life and you're confused. This thread isn't helping you see the wood from the trees either and it's just an outlet for you to vent, while you stay stubbornly where you are. If you don't do something proactive, I guarantee you'll still be in the very same position in 12 months' time. Another year wasted out of your life and things will not be any better than they are now. Guaranteed.

JoChervil

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118749292#Comment_118749292

When we first met, I was so confident, not very experienced but enthusiastic in our relationship and in the bedroom. Now, I’m full of self doubt and my confidence has been knocked.

You already have your answer. This relationship is damaging for you, if your self esteem is at the rock bottom after a year. It really doesn't matter if your boyfriend lies or not. This connection is wrecking you.

charlie14

A few years ago a female friend of mine confided in me that she was going through exactly what you are. I can only assume she did so because she had nobody else to confide in where she would not feel totally embarrassed by doing so, so I can understand why you asking for advise here.

She was then in her mid 20`s, 30 years younger than me, and has been a friend of myself and my wife since she was a kid. She had a lot of problems in her younger years and has looked on us as paternal figures over the years. Her and I have always been able to talk to each other in complete confidence. She knows things about me that even my own wife does not know about my past relationships. Some of them where I behaved no better than this guy presently in your life. Her knowing that, plus her having had a few drinks under her belt, I can only surmise being the reason she confided in me.

This girl has grown to be one of the most confident, high achieving, caring and the kindest lady I have even had the pleasure of knowing. Physically she is also head turning attractive. She told me in detail about her sex life with this guy (or lack off to be more precise) and her attempts to improve it from sex toys to lingerie and everything in between. She had tried talking to him with the same results you have had. My advise to her is the same as it is to you. Neither of you are in a relationship. you are friends with benefits as far as these guys are concerned. Handy too have around when they want to get laid, but other than that, no interest in having any kind of meaningful relationship. In your case with the dating apps, even more so. You may wonder why I appear so confident in knowing this, well it`s because, not unlike your guy and my friends ex, I like many other men and women have done the same.

This may sound harsh, but until you realise you are being regarded as a friend with benefits by this guy, then all the advise in the world is not going to improve the situation where you are heading down a long road of misery that this guy will not be at the end of.

cj maxx

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118750349#Comment_118750349

I would second Tork. On PI some posters talk sense and are helpful. Tork I've noticed is one of them. Something has to change and the only power we have is to change and work on ourselves. Not somebody else. See a therapist,.