Spousal abuse

Abbaesque

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413262#Comment_118413262

Thank you.

In that case it’s a pretty understandable and not uncommon reason, even if it looked strange to the outsider.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413217#Comment_118413217

OK so you think it's coincidence and bad luck when someone goes from bad/terrible relationship to bad/terrible relationship again and again. I don't.

I was in a houseshare with 2 friends. Over the time their they **** destroyed me mentally. Year and a half later and I'm still trying to figure some of it out. This is without it even being a romantic relationship but I've copped that I will never allow anyone to treat me like that again. It unfortunately means I'm likely hyper-sensitive about certain personality traits but I'll continue to err on the side of not being treated like a piece of **** for now at least.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413529#Comment_118413529

It’s good that you are sensitive to specific warning signs now, but you can be sure that you are sending off very obvious signs yourself, which means that people can adjust their behaviour.

You are possibly as attracted to the people you loathe as they are to you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413625#Comment_118413625

Yeah more than likely, I'm a fat piece of **** and I don't find similar people attractive so I've no reason to presume other people would be attracted to me.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413529#Comment_118413529

Making poor relationship choices does not justify being abused.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413938#Comment_118413938

The sky gets dark at night.

Your turn.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118411797#Comment_118411797

Bit of a Freudian slip there, capitalising the L in Liberal.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118413944#Comment_118413944

It's just that where you seemed to be going - blaming abused women for their relationship choices, instead of blaming their abuser.

Shilock

I think it's all about what one's attracted to, I've seen grown men villifying their exe girlfriends and wives, they're this that and the other...

These guy's are usually alcoholics or cucks who are absolutely useless and never supportive. Marrying her or dating her because she's extremely attractive, confident and comfortable in her own skin.... he doesn't like that and it doesn't take long for his mask to fall off.

The shoe obviously can be on the other foot too, more red flags than a Cork all Ireland. I've observed weddings and events and I could see the indifference.

A lot of people need to grow up and be contently single before they decide to get into a serious relationship or marriage...

Rock on :)

AckwelFoley

"More red flags than a Cork all ireland" 😆 🤣

Donald Trump

Saying that people are often repeatedly attracted to certain types of personality and/or person, isn't the same as justifying abuse.

It's not victim blaming. It's just pointing out a fact.

Shilock

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118427793#Comment_118427793

lol or Republican rally in a red state...

I'm telling you lad it's easier being single these days, I'm too stuck in my man stuff, fishing, hiking and bushcraft and dressing up as a tart for kicks in my own place I couldn't give up a double life ;)

I'm stuck in la la land :)

seamus

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118415489#Comment_118415489

It's a conversation we should be able to have without trying to shut people down on the basis of victim blaming.

We've all seen and heard various peoples' life stories where they detail going from abusive relationship to abusive relationship.

Or people who can detail multiple accounts of when they were a victim of rape or attempted rape over a period of a few years.

Some of these people may indeed just be super unlucky. But most aren't. We know that the vast majority of people don't abuse their partners. And the vast majority of people don't rape. So there is another reason why some individuals fall victim to it time and again.

These people are effectively meta-victims. They are victims of their own nature, their own poor decision-making, which ultimately places them in situations where they become victims of assault or other types of abuse.

We can't just say, "Blame the abuser" and ignore this self-perpetuating cycle. I don't know what level of support victims get. Are they offered specific counselling? Something that can help them understand why they got into the relationship and how to avoid similar ones in future? How long are they supported for? Because rebuilding ones' self confidence takes years or months. Perhaps a specific social worker should be assigned to them to help keep them on track, to be alert for the same patterns. I don't know.

There is clearly more that can be done. Abusing a partner is something that is clearly no longer acceptable, yet it's still happening. Which means that we need an approach that's not solely focussed on catching the perpetrators. Because there's one born every minute.

AndrewJRenko

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118427917#Comment_118427917

I'd need to see some decent research on whether such cases are really an issue, or are the just tabloid news fodder. We absolutely need to put supports in place, but they need to be very broad supports. We need to be educating everyone, male and female, about what abuse looks like, how it can start, and how to get the hell away from it when it does start.

Deregos.

Calm, honest, mature communication is what I believe we should all be trying to aspire to in all our relationships . . but that's easier said than done when alcohol or drugs are part of the equation.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118428586#Comment_118428586

AckwelFoley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118428901#Comment_118428901

Or when you're dealing with someone that is just simply abusive by nature.

Alcohol and drugs can certainly make it worse

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118429029#Comment_118429029

In most cases there is a mutual attraction, often based on past experiences and habits. People aren’t “evil” by nature.

AckwelFoley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118429458#Comment_118429458

Nonsense.

Unless you consider Ed Gein, Jeffrey Dahmer, Gary Ridgeway Ted Bundy or that guy that enjoyed putting lit cigarettes out on their infant as misunderstood?

Some people are inherently evil

Nature or Nurture? That's a different debate.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118433746#Comment_118433746

Look at their early lives and think again.

I don’t want to her into the same old nature vs nurture debate but in the vast majority of cases you will find reasons why people go a certain way. Doesn’t help with this debate though.

AckwelFoley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118434000#Comment_118434000

No, it doesn't help the debate but equally it's not an excuse either.

I know a man that had a massive scar down the front of his forehead. I learnt years later how he got it. He used to enjoy beating the snot out of his wife. The wife's father was waiting for him behind the door when he came home one day and split him over the head with the poker from the fireplace, and said, you wont touch my daughter again.

Not sure how their marriage was after that, but I have it on good authority that he never hit her again.

Alot of these people are bullies. Why are they like this, perhaps its what they see growing up, bit often it's not

The new mini doc on Netflix about the Manhattan torso murders in the 70s was quite clear that the perpetrator lead quite an unextrodinay upbringing. Very stable household.

I've known children brought up by terrible parents, and abused - one case where her mother would stick her hand to the cooker because the child couldn't pronounce crayon. As a parent myself I can't imagine what sort of sick fxuk you need to do that. I do know that none of the family that grew up and had children themselves never were in any way inclined to behave in a similar fashion

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118434112#Comment_118434112

I’m not arguing this to excuse anyone. Why should I do that? It’s not my problem.

The example you offered is a good one though. Personally I wonder more about people who stay in abusive relationships when they have people in their lives who could help them get out of it. Why would the woman want to stay married to someone who beat her, even after he (seemingly) stopped going it? Those are the ones who can’t be helped by any campaign, or who are likely to end up in another abusive relationship after they eventually get dumped.

osarusan

Some people really are just evil by nature though.

AckwelFoley

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118434193#Comment_118434193

It's not as simple as that. Apart from the absolute stripping of one's self worth there's often children involved and finances. It's one of these examples where it's much easier said than done.

It's easier now than 30 or 40 years ago but still not easy. Some victims feel ashamed

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118434424#Comment_118434424

What you are listing are complications, not road blocks. Some will also use them as excuses why they “can’t” leave, some won’t. If they don’t want to leave they won’t, and nobody can do anything about it.

Don’t you think that there are people out there who end up in one bad relationship after the other, because they are so used to a personality type that they gravitate towards them?

AckwelFoley

https://m.independent.ie/irish-news/i-was-so-terrified-of-my-abusive-ex-says-husband-thrown-out-of-home-41221372.html

33% of victims of abuse are male. Yet only.1 percent of funding is allocated to them