Is it even worth it? Your experiences please

VintageJelly

I married someone that I didn’t love. We built our foundations on other things, such as emotional security, we had a child before we lived together, then one big life event after another. Now it’s nearly 9 years since our first child, we have a 6 year old and a 2 year old as well. And I realised I should have listened to that gut feeling telling me I shouldn’t have had to convince myself to like him. Since we bought a house and had kids, he has treated me very badly. Shown no respect, not contributed emotionally or financially to the rearing of our children. There was never any physical abuse. I always thought “I’m stuck now, for the kids”

i now realise I will never be happy. But can I keep pretending for the kids? I would get a divorce with no hesitation and no looking back only for the kids 😞 I don’t know if I can do this to them. I’ve been reading lots of posts on here and it makes for pretty depressing reading. I just don’t know if it would be even worth it.

JimmyMW

Hi OP, thats a terrible situation to be in, all I could say to you is that the whole separation and divorce process is very painful and I would have loved to have avoided it. However it may be the only option, maybe try speaking with a councilor first to make sure of your feelings/thoughts on this and to explore if there is anyway on resolving the issues, I guess all im really saying is that if you are to go down the divorce road you would want to be 100% sure that's what you ultimately want considering everything because once you press the button its very hard to unpress it.

kaymin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058226867/is-it-even-worth-it-your-experiences-please

It's worse for kids to see their parents in a dysfunctional relationship - it gives them the wrong idea of how relationships work. Friends brought up by co-parents are well-adjusted / no hang-ups - key is that both parents that have their kids interests at heart and respect the other parent.

TP_CM

Are you arguing all the time? Is there constant fighting which is stopping you from raising the kids properly? When you say he has been treating you badly, has he cheated on you, neglected the kids, or disappeared for stretches at a time? This kind of information helps with context. Or actual examples of mistreatment - Because for example there are many stay at home mothers out there who don't contribute financially to the household and who are too exhausted from looking after 3 kids all day to emotionally support their partner. 3 kids is a lot of work and energy.. Does he help out around the house? Take the bins out, cook the odd time, help with the shopping, read to the kids or help with their homework? Does he do his share of running the house?

It may not be nice to think it, but once we find someone unattractive in some way, we start looking at them through that lens quite often, and very normal acceptable things could be interpreted by our brains as something else.

Some people will say to leave the guy, and maybe they're right. But make sure you're fully realistic about what 'love' looks like between two partners who have 3 kids during a pandemic and housing crisis. Like I say context and examples are required to know just how dysfunctional the relationship is.

standardg60

You married someone you didn't love. It's hardly fair now to go blaming your husband for your unhappiness. You reap what you sow.

Though ending the marriage is probably the best case scenario for all involved, and is not something you should be afraid of, it happens all the time. I wish you the best of luck.

Daniel15

I don't want to type long paragraphs about your Situation. I just wanted to tell you that before making any BIG decision, just both of you sit down and discuss with each other what are the things going on in your mind, just explain EVERYTHING. Let him know the truth AND  his mistakes, if you are lucky, he will understand your feelings and it might change.

VintageJelly

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118465284#Comment_118465284

To all of the first paragraph here…these are all the exact ways he has treated me for years, except the cheating. No support with rearing the children, emotionally or financially (I get the child allowance but no support money wise from him for ANYTHING to do with the kids- we split bills so it’s not like he was making up the amount in other ways) There used to be constant arguing in front of the kids, to the point where I would just think I had to shut up and take it, because the other option was a fight in front them them.

Let me rephrase the start a little bit, I guess I did/possibly still do, love him but I had to force a physical attraction. A physical attraction came later a bit…because I loved other things about him. So when you’re married and all those other things you fell in love with are not visible, not being shown, and you’re being treated like **** and taken advantage of….it’s pretty difficult to have sort of physical attraction to that person and then you start to realise maybe you’d be better alone. Maybe the kids don’t need to see this and shouldn’t see this.

the thing is, there’s been a change of late. As I started to enquire into separation, divorce and actually went to see a solicitor, he’s much much better at home, with everything. He’s really trying. But I can’t force myself to “fall back in love” and if there were no children to consider here, I’d have left him no looking back. But so I stick in it for the long haul now? Is this just marriage? Like I think maybe if you marry that person that you feel that spark with, that you feel you can’t live without, your marriage might last because even through bad times, and times they maybe don’t treat you with respect, you have that initial love and desire for them that never goes away.

basically after reading through all of the other threads on here, I don’t know if leaving the marriage for your own happiness is an option when you’ve kids.

Respect is a two-way street. Once you had the kids, how much respect/love/time/affection did you give him? Solid marriages survive when the couple have a joint sense of purpose built upon a solid friendship and love. A sense of "us", of "we're in this together". They don't survive when one emotionally ditches the other once the children arrive and they can get their emotional needs met there.

Unfortunately, very many people neglect their partner once the kids come along and they can give all the excuses in the world but at the end of the day, they make choices to avoid their partner and get their emotional needs from their children. We get out of relationships what we put in. How much have you put into your marriage since the kids came? In my experience being "treated like shít" does not happen in a vacuum. Have you been going around pulling long faces, stonewalling, giving the silent treatment, and refusing to spend time with him to even communicate a basic emotional connection - or is he there as a working/financial support in childrearing? Does he feel your resentment or, worse, your indifference? Is his love tank empty? Is he emaciated after years of neglect from you?

I think any reconciliation must start with your being honest with yourself, as it must with each of us. In particular, with your being honest about your role in current circumstances. Empathy and humility are far more conducive to reconciliation than nursing a misplaced sense of resentment, which is often just a crutch. There's no room for pride or, worse, conceit when the safety, security and attachment of little children is at stake. Read up on the huge role of attachment in child development, and how it greatly shapes their development as adults.( e.g. https://www.verywellmind.com/attachment-styles-2795344)

If your heart is not in the marriage, go, because he will sense it and that's a slow death. But, for your own good, you need to be realistic about your alternatives. If you stay on your own, do you realise how hard it is to be a full-time parent without any assistance from a partner? 24/7. It's a different ballgame. Furthermore, if you choose to date again, what sort of man will "take on" a woman with three children? He would have to have a staggeringly low self-esteem to put himself in an emotionally neglectful situation where he'd always be No. 4, but the woman would expect to be No. 1. I've been on dating apps and the number of separated/divorced women with kids is huge. Yes, it's possible their ex was awful, but it's also possible that they simply dumped him as soon as the kids came along, just as they probably dumped female friends when they first started going out with him. With so many single women around, why on earth would a man want the responsibility of raising another man's children with a woman who won't have time to fulfil his intimacy needs?

Humility, empathy and goodwill can be your gamechangers. Let the walls come down and see what happens: "we all talk a different language, talking in defence" as the song put it. Your kids deserve love and security. If you can get him to counselling it would be worth it for them (never mind your finances).