I'm sick of being a scaredy cat

sure_look_it

My mid-20s are approaching, I'm finishing college this year. And I can't keep going this way. I've had enough.

I've very much lived a life half-lived. I'm a very anxious, fearful person. Possibly the most (overly) cautious person I know. I constantly make excuses for everything out of fear. I overthink everything.

"No I can't ask that person if they wanna go for a drink, they're way cooler than me, why would they wanna hang out with me?".

"I can't chat to that lad, he is friends with X and she's fit and has like 5000 Instagram followers, I'm a plain Jane, he probably fancies her, why bother?".

I could go on. I have few friends. The few friends I do have, I mostly have because they are assertive types and would always be the ones to text first/make plans when generally I'm too chicken to do that. Same with my past relationships. I don't really put myself out there. It saddens me that I've probably missed out on lots of friendships and lads because I'm a scaredy cat.

Part of wants to throw caution to the wind and put myself out there regardless of how scared I feel. Like yeah, strike up a conversation with the fit lad in my course or at work. Ask people I talk to in lectures for coffee instead of just meeting my housemates and the 2 friends I have left on campus. Say yes to an open invite for drinks with coursemates. I just can't do this living life at like 30/40% mode anymore. I spend so long protecting myself that I don't actually experience half the things I want to.

km991148

How did you feel about writing this post?

YellowLead

You may be suffering from anxiety which can be crippling for those affected and they need counselling and or medication to help them on their way.

Sounds like some therapy would be a good idea here. If not, just take small steps to put yourself out there. Worrying about getting rejected seems to be key for you as you don’t feel good enough. Practicing will help - once you start to invite people or chat to people you’ll find it easier.

sure_look_it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118449177#Comment_118449177

Kinda cathartic, honestly

sure_look_it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118450965#Comment_118450965

Thank you.

I tried therapy once before and it didn't help but I think it was just bad luck. It's worth reconsidering anyway!

I think the fear of rejection is my main issue, because I can be quite confident, or at least a "normal" level of confident, in other situations. I have no bother at all chatting to strangers. I work in retail and can chat till the cows come home. I'm also grand speaking up in class or doing a presentation. But rejection from people I see regularly seems to be my main issue. It's so silly. As if the world is gonna end because a coworker doesn't want pints after work or some fella in my tutorial isn't into me.

I guess when it's someone I see regularly I feel the stakes are higher or some nonsense.

growleaves

Quote from a writer I like (a retired doctor):

"..phobias are treatable - by 'behavioural therapy', which can easily be self-administered - and is indeed just common sense...

Behavioural therapy is so simple as to be summarisable in a sentence: To overcome a fear we must expose ourselves to that fear - we will then get-used-to that fear - and by repetition, learn to stop reacting to it."

The book Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway may be helpful to you. For anxiety especially, doing the things you're afraid of should help.

When it comes to intrusive thoughts like "what if this person is cooler than me" I recommend you answer yourself back like "No that's not true". Talk back to these insecurities or else block them out with an inner dismissal.

Here are two other things which might help:

Reading about courageous people and the feats they accomplished. It then becomes a part of your imaginative life. Maybe in your case books about people who are socially brave might help?

Praying to God for courage (I know a lot of people won't like that one since most aren't religious, but there it is.)

Hope this helps. Good luck

lucalux

This is just from my own experience, I can relate to your being confident in certain situations, and very anxious in others.

For me, it stems not necessarily from a fear of anything, except rejection. Exactly as you said!

My ego is fragile, it needs to know it's OK. I have had a lot of crap in my life, and a lot of trauma, so while I developed certain skills, (like being able to talk the hind legs off a donkey in the right situation) I can also be deathly afraid of being told (or it being even implied) that I am not OK as I am. I am too much, not enough, wrong, weird, unlikeable, etc etc etc.

Now, I haven't quite gotten a handle on any of this, by any means. But understanding it, has helped.

I've been in a lot of therapy, and while some was very helpful, some therapists/counsellors/psychiatrists/psychologists just weren't a good match for me.

If someone says to me they've tried therapy and didn't find it good, I am always quick to suggest that it might not have been the right time or fit for them. It's a two way relationship between you and the person you're working with. Sometimes that clicks, sometimes it doesn't. Worth trying again if you can access it perhaps?

The 'feel the fear and do it anyway' approach has a lot of merits I think.

One way of also framing it is in past evidence I think.

What was the worst thing that happened any time you ventured beyond your comfort zone?

What fell apart? What harm was caused to you and anybody else, by you doing something that felt scary and brave?

"They said no, they couldn't come for a drink" - cool, we'll arrange it for another time.

"I asked him out for a coffee, he said he had a girlfriend/didn't want to have coffee with me"? - cool - he's not the guy!

It reminds me that the sky doesn't fall in if things are scary, or things don't work out the way I expected or wanted.

I regularly need to remind myself (often when dissecting every word of a conversation or interaction I've just had) that even if I didn't quite live up to the image I would like people to have of me (imo we all have this view we'd like others to have of us - to some extent), in reality, nothing terrible happened.

I might blow things up to a huge degree at times, and tell myself that " That's it, you're a social outcast now, you're awkward and stupid, and everyone knows it now" In reality, this is a lot of self-centered doom thinking.

People rarely think of us as much as we think they do. Especially when feeling a bit more fragile emotionally or mentally, I think we can catastrophise other people's thinking about us, including a whole lot of value judgements on ourselves, based off what we THINK people are thinking/saying about us.

Self-esteem isn't based off how popular, or liked or successful or impressive or together we are I think.

It's based off, no matter if I'm up or down in life, doing well, or struggling, I am still a human being who has dignity and deserves to be respected, MOST of all - by myself.

Another thing I do remind myself of, is that I do not need to impress people. In any way.

If people like me for me, I won't need to be second guessing myself or my choices around them.

I cannot form a life where I'm basing my value and self-esteem off other people's views of me.

IF someone isn't a fan of me? Great.

I don't need to fake anything to be liked. People pleasing is a cancer on self-esteem imho.

You said about accepting invites for drinks with coursemates, I think that sums up what I mean.

Every time you feel that "no" forming, try a "yes". See how it goes.

Tell me how

Would echo the suggestion that therapy would be a good idea,

But for an extended period rather than just a single visit. Some therapies focus on overcoming a train of thought or behavioral mode, others on understanding why there is difficulty in the first place. Knowing which is the best path for each individual sometimes is straightforward, sometimes needs work in itself.

Your friends see something in you because they make an effort to arrange to do things with you.

Building up confidence is something that can be done, even something as simple as Toastmasters is something that many people use so as to give them more confidence and assertiveness and it can be a very welcoming environment although, I expect Covid has interrupted plans there pretty significantly I expect.

bitofabind

I'd consider myself a pretty fearful person too. Massive overthinker. I'd talk myself into a hole over the most trivial of tasks given half the chance. Nearly had a mental breakdown over a daunting work task yesterday.

However, it doesn't stop me from taking the plunge anyway. I've moved countries several times, quit jobs, reported in war zones as a journalist, given presentations to conference halls full of people, led big meetings at work, negotiated big contracts, shite-d on about things I know very little about with authority to important people, all the rest of it. The fear doesn't go away. I just manage it. I'll start with, "what's the worst that can happen here?". And it's invariably, "I'll get fired", "someone will get offended", "I'll fall flat on my face", whatever. Grand. And then? I'll be embarrassed. Right. And what else? I'll have to get a new job / apologise, whatever. OK. But I'm still alive. I'm still breathing. I'm still healthy. I'll be anywhere on the scale from feeling a bit crap to going through a bit of a tough time, and then I'll move on. It's a temporary state that will pass, like anything else. And I'm not dead, I'm maybe a bit more resilient, a bit wiser.

When you decide to manage the fear instead of being crippled by it, things gradually get easier. A while passes and now you've got an evidence bank of all those times you did something scary and survived, and now that's your way forward when there's something else a bit terrifying in front of you. "Ah I've done much harder things than this". I've noticed this in people who take risks, live courageously. The fear doesn't pass, they just adapt to it. I've a friend whose a top performer in a high stress executive role, he used to work in the military. When sh1t hits the fan, he'll ask himself "does anyone get shot or die at the end of this? No. Grand, off we go so."

This starts with a decision to not let your thoughts control you. Challenge them the next time you get the onslaught of "I couldn't possibly" - why couldn't you? What's the worst case scenario? Think through that, you'll realise it's not actually that bad. You don't get a text back. OK. And can you handle that? Yes you can. This is where it starts - do the scary thing, build up the bank of evidence that you can do these things that seem terrifying and see how it plays out. The thought of it is much, much worse than the actual reality.

sure_look_it

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118453153#Comment_118453153

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118457370#Comment_118457370

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118451930#Comment_118451930

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118452282#Comment_118452282

I'm very sorry for only getting back to ye now. I've had a very hectic week. I appreciate these answers a lot.

I think I've had a sort of break through tbh. I'm just so done with living in fear. It's a small step, but I went sober to a party 2 nights ago. Only knew one person there and I was terrified but it wasn't half as bad as I thought. And I was bricking it! I'm kinda proud. As was said, the key is feeling that fear and carrying on regardless

AckwelFoley

It's got alot to do with confidence. Some people are absolutely beat looking but they have a confidence that carries them. Confidence isn't to be mistaken with arrogance. Being the quiet introvert makes it more difficult to meet people.

In my late teens very early 20s I was crippled with shyness, not fear just shyness. I developed a friendship then with a man who is to this day my best friend some 25 years later. His confidence rubbed off. I learned to not care so much with what you might think is rejection. Confidence attracts people, and makes you more approachable.

My method was to talk to everybody, not just people I might be attracted to, but everybody, doesn't mean you want to get into anything other than a chat, but often when the pressure of attraction is off it makes it easier and its great practice to build your confidence.

As the cliche goes, you have to love yourself first. You have to accept rejection. Rejection isn't a judgement.

Liberty_Bear

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118477585#Comment_118477585

Fantastic to hear and its a small step in the road. What you might try is maybe a class or activity of some sort based on your interests. Example say you like Darts, you could join a darts tea,, you have something in common to talk about. Lots of groups too on Meetup for those with social anxiety if that is what it is. Every time you make a step like that its one step closer to dealing with whatever issue it is. And remember that a lot of people are the same after Covid and finding their feet so dont beat yourself up