Are these red flags in a prospective new housemate?

kravmaga

@OP Sparklinglens,

Has your potential new tenant/ house share mate provided you with references/ is she on HAP, is she working?

As other posters here have already said, 4am texting is just anti social and not on.

Business hours 9 to 5pm is acceptable but at night time, thats crazy.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118480139#Comment_118480139

Ah ok I misread that one

Hi all, OP here. So I decided to give this girl a chance and offered her the room (we'll call her Niamh). She was delighted and all seemed well. She is quite friendly and bubbly and I figured she'd be a good fit.

So Niamh arrived last night. She brought a friend with her to help her move her stuff, and asked would it be ok for her friend to stay over as it's a bit of a drive for her to get home. I said sure, no problem. When I asked how they know each other her friend replied "We've actually only been friends for two weeks." Straight away I heard alarm bells. She then said "We met through work but we're inseparable now, everyone thinks we're two psychos." Niamh seemed uneasy and laughed and said "No they don't."

So her friend (who in my opinion is a stranger, because how can you actually know someone after two weeks?) stayed over. In the meantime, Niamh added me on Instagram. I had a look at her posts and saw she'd put up a huge rant about people bad mouthing her decision to move to a new city (she left her home town a few months back). The post was almost vitriolic, calling people losers with no livss who will never leave their home town, etc...

Then this morning she text me to say she'd had a terrible night as her previous flatmate is harrassing her and emailing her from different accounts, so she had to call the police.

Honestly, I'm extremely worried and anxious about all of this. The red flags are glaringly obvious, and it hasn't even been 24 hours. Thankfully it's my name on the tenancy and she is subletting, so I can legally ask her to leave. but I don't know what to do, I can hardly ask her to leave after a day of being here. Any thoughts on what I should do? I feel sick, should've listened to my gut in the first place.

messrs

Its a hard one to call - you said you guys really clicked so maybe she feels close to you and feels comfortable telling you all this stuff. Did you get any references from previous landlord/tenants? Did you set an agreement for a trial period with her - as in we give it 2 months and see how its going for both of us and then we can decide to make it more permanent ( Is something like this allowed?) Did she say why her previous flatmates are harrassing her? Are they chasing her for unpaid bills?

Jequ0n

Tbf her claiming that her previous flatmates caused her anxiety was a massive red flag so non of the follow on behaviour is surprising.

You decided to ignore your gut feeling and gave her the room, so unless she steps completely out of line you probably have to wait and see how it pans out.

You really want to keep her at arm’s length and not let her get too close. Anyone this intense and emotional is exhausting.

YellowLead

I think it’s no harm in future getting a friend to sit in on these interviews when interviewing prospective housemates, a second opinion so to speak as there were red flags which you were worried about initially but decided to ignore, a second opinion might help reinforce your gut in future.

also - did you not check references from her previous tenancies? If not, please do so in future.

Id say she’ll be a difficult one to untangle from, get rid of so best of luck!

rolling boh

Could you sit down with her and air your concerns and agree on boundaries . Her behaviour is indeed concerning so you will have to explain how this cannot continue sincerely hope for your sake she understands her behaviour has to change .If her reaction is negative to you the only choice is a new housemate .Good luck looks like you'll need it .

spakman

So she arrived with a friend, and you decided they're not fiends long enough to be "real friends"?

Then you went stalking her on social media and found where she had a rant - lots of people do that sadly.

Then she confided in you that she's being harassed and had to get the guards involved.

And for that, you want to kick her out?

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with spakman. She still hasn't actually done anything with regards to you or her tenancy. I think you are getting way ahead of yourself. You seem quite intense yourself. Catastrophising situations and jumping straight to worst case scenario. But not even knowing what it is you're worrying about.

What has this woman actually done so far that makes her a bad housemate? Nothing that I can see. Just sit back, relax and wait a while. You've already let her move in so you now just have to see how it goes. If it doesn't work out then you deal with that.

But at least give her a chance. If you look for problems you're more likely to find them. If you don't actively look for them you might find that they never find you.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118531500#Comment_118531500

100%

like she had a rant on Instagram? She’s a young one, course she did. So she’s friends with someone two weeks, again, who cares?

honestly OP you’re more of a pill than she is.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532051#Comment_118532051

A young one? At what point did I mention her age? She is not a young one. She's in her thirties.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118530473#Comment_118530473

Yeah I think you're right, this is solid advice. Cheers. :)

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118530431#Comment_118530431

Yeah, already feeling a bit tired from it all as she's text again with more drama. I think I'll just have to be pretty boundaried, and maybe she'll prove me wrong and it will work out. Thanks for the advice!

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532190#Comment_118532190

Well she’s not an aul wan either is she? If 30 is old I don’t want to know about it.

I stand by what I said. You’re being a pill.

Certainly not, but certainly not a young one either. :)

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532208#Comment_118532208

Hahah no idea what a pill is. But I mean, did you actually read my post? Her new best friend of two weeks, TOLD ME that people think they are two psychos… I mean…. Did you miss that part?

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532354#Comment_118532354

And you took that LITERALLY?

Snails pace

Put a few extra locks on your door just to be safe!! Give her a few days to settle in and see how things go before making any big decisions

AyeGer

I’d say now she is in relax a little and see how things go, if you are this uptight about her you will end up creating the very thing you fear.

I'm out.

pm1977x

'Niamh' was, is and always will be the drama, your gut feeling was right, good luck OP, it sounds like you're going to need it!

Big Bag of Chips

OP, can I ask, as it's not really clear - what part do you want advice on?

She has moved in. She's settling in. Maybe nervous, maybe excited, maybe she's just a bubbly, oversharing, full on person. You said you clicked on the first day, so obviously you were drawn to the fact that she was open and chatty etc. Now it's the thing that you're complaining about.

She has moved in with you. She hasn't, as yet, done anything that would give you reason to ask her to leave. Maybe she will. And maybe this will be an absolute disaster. If that happens you will deal with it. But, there are many different types of personalities in the world. This one seems to be a bit full on. You liked it at first, but now you're doubting your choice. That's on you. Not her.

You can keep a civil distance between you if that's what you're most comfortable with. But other than being a bit full on, I don't see what she has actually done, that has you "extremely worried and anxious". What are you extremely worried and anxious about?

road_high

Well OP you were well warned. AlI the signs were there for a neurotic head melt…

JustJoe7240

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532399#Comment_118532399

To be fair, I don't think I've ever heard anyone refer to another person as a psycho in an endearing or jokey way, that said, I've also never heard anyone refer to another as a pill as an insult before, so I may be out of the loop.

road_high

Wonder how soon it will take for the missed rent and bills to start? My hunch, not very long. And it will be your fault for “bullying” her etc

JustJoe7240

Also worth finding out why the previous housemates were hassling. Assuming it's chasing non payment of bills. Her behaviour sounds ridiculous for a person in their 30's

spakman

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118533058#Comment_118533058

What are you basing any of that on?

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118533068#Comment_118533068

The Instagram drama for starters. Some people are like that. They are endless drama and problems. And also the nonsense about her old landlord- only reason he/she would be “harassing” her is unpaid rent/bills. The other side of the story would be interesting I’d say

sporina

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532194#Comment_118532194

umm... OP you had an issue on here with a housemate before.. then you came on here and asked about this one - red flag? and most said, yes.. avoid.. but you went ahead and let her in.. and now issues already.. I dunno.. I smell a rat.. I dunno - I just find it all a bit odd..

yes good advice above.. best of luck

Hannibal_Smith

The girl had a rant on Instagram about people who were judging her. Has struck up with a friendship with a girl in the past two weeks. The psycho remark I wouldn't take literally, I'm reading it as a throw away remark more than anything.

I'm not seeing red flags as such. You were nervous enough about saying yes to her. Is it possible you're grasping at anything to almost prove your suspicions right?

Relax and get to know her. You can set boundaries and dictate how the relationship goes from here. You don't have to depend on her to set the tone.

road_high

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118532199#Comment_118532199

Why are you even replying to this rubbish? Unless it’s issues to do with the house then fcuk all to do with you. You don’t know her.

Shes more than likely looking for someone to indulge her drama as everyone else has ran a mile years ago (hence the two week old “friend”)

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118533156#Comment_118533156

Supply and demand?

Padre_Pio

Honestly, you were silly to let her move in.

There are thousands of perfectly normal people who are looking for accommodation. Your housemate seems clingy and in need of friends. You've just become her target.

byhookorbycrook

Anyone else see irony in the OP "flagging" a new best friend of the housemate, when the OP "clicked" straight away with the new housemate?

Big Bag of Chips

sparklinglens, have you spoken to your GP about anxiety? Are you on any medication or seeing a psychotherapist? It's just the phrase "extremely anxious" is concerning me. At most you should be mildly peeved that your new housemate is a bit full-on. But you should, as an adult, be able to manage that yourself. You need to be able to deal with lots of different types of personalities. Especially if you are living in a house share. You should be able to put your own boundaries in place, either by directly spelling it out, or by your actions of not being buddy-buddy with her and not getting involved in texts rallies with her. She'll soon get the message.

Until she starts being late with rent, or not paying bills, or wrecking the house, you have nothing to be extremely anxious about. Every houseshare has the potential to be a disaster. You are picking someone to live with based on a few minutes of talking to them. But equally many houseshares just tip along together and get on with it.

If you are extremely anxious about this situation, one you chose, one you decided on, then you need to discuss this with someone who can help you pick it apart. Explore why you are anxious and why you continually took steps to lead you into a situation where you are extremely anxious when you had opportunity to turn back.

In all honesty, I think extremely anxious is an over reaction to this situation, but if that's how you feel, that's how you feel. But it might be worth talking through your anxiety with a professional. Normal life situations shouldn't have you feeling extremely anxious. Mildly apprehensive maybe. But not extremely anxious.

witchgirl26

OP here's my take on it.

You don't get to judge how long people can be friends before they're real friends. Some of my best friends were instant connections with someone & we would have been inseparable from the get go (and these were friendships made as adults - not as children). And in terms of the phsyco's - that could be anything. I was jokingly called that by my best friend because of my love of true crime. It was a joke. Ok it fell flat but I wouldn't be taking it that flippin seriously.

I think you need to relax and let her settle in a bit and let you settle. You seem to be looking for a red flag with everything at this point. And just because she had an issue with a previous flatmate, doesn't mean she's the melt. I know someone who is still friends with most of her previous housemates but there was one where it was borderline getting the Guards out in regards (locking her out of their apartment at 9pm because she'd missed curfew - they were in their mid-20's).

If you are getting this anxious and looking for all the potential problems (beyond just being aware that they could happen), then maybe consider not having a housemate as that seems to be causing the anxiety as opposed to the individual.

Tork

Have you ever had housemates who weren't a bit odd or problematic? I house shared on and off from when I was in my late teens until my early 30s. In all that time, I can honestly say I never shared with anybody who was weird or particularly awful. At worst they could be a bit irritating at times but that's standard fare in most house shares. After your previous thread and now this one, it's making me wonder are you attracting a certain sort of housemate?

Hi all, OP here. This has had lots of interesting responses. Thanks to all who replied. Happy for mods to close this thread if they like because I’ve received enough feedback and probably won’t be checking back. Cheers. :)

OP here, things have escalated (badly) but I’ve edited this post to delete my comment as I’m not sure I’ll get any actual helpful advice. Going to leave it at that, thanks.

fritzelly

This is a wind up surely?

Should have quoted the post because that was beyond bat **** crazy

Yeah. I’m pretty scared to be honest and don’t know how I’ll get rid of her. Literally lying here awake thinking of my options.

But I also don’t really want people accusing me of it being a wind up or other unhelpful comments so as far as the post on here goes I’m going to leave it.

lawred2

I've been in a toxic house share before.. the urge to get out can be overwhelming. You met her in person and you liked her. That's what you should go on.

The multiple messages is likely a consequence of the network trying to send messages to what is basically a phone that's switched off.

I use DND mode at night time.. airplane mode is somewhat drastic. Sure you might as well switch the phone off as have it in airplane mode.

Big Bag of Chips

sparklinglens, as this is an accommodation/housemate issue maybe you'd get more appropriate replies in The Accommodation and Property Forum.

lawred2

My response is well out of date I see.. apologies

silver2020

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118538628#Comment_118538628

100% agree.

Jequ0n

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118538636#Comment_118538636

Scared why?

Big Bag of Chips

@fritzelly @silver2020 if you have an issue with a post or poster please PM a moderator. List of Moderators is found the The Forum Charter.

Commenting on thread is off topic.

Pussyhands

OP, take it from me, this is a red flag and I would not pick this person based on their behaviour.

This is the type of person that'll be nagging you every 5 minutes about something. "can the landlord clean the leaves from the back garden", "can the landing light be turned off at night", "can people not leave cooked meat in the fridge". They'll take over or have their partner in the whole time.

Take this from someone who has had rotating house shares for a long time.

The way I do the viewing is I tell everyone that I have X days of viewings. Once they're done, we'll decide on someone and then we'll text everyone to let them know. I tell them they'll definitely receive a text either way by say 8pm Friday. Yet people still text on the Thursday asking if a decision has been made and if they got the room.

Another offputting thing is when I put in the ad no phonecalls, only texts as I get such volume of calls I can't keep track of who's viewing at what time. So whenever someone calls me that's an immediate no. If they can't read an ad, imagine living with that person.

reading this thread (but not commenting) until now. I think I read a previous thread the same poster started. Its a pity the poster has now decided to leave thread on foot of some very good advice. Maybe they don't want to face reality. The issue is more than likely with them and not with the new lodger. She just sounds a bit mad but nothing out of the ordinary. I'd imagine that's part and parcel of what happens when you look for a lodger, you'd need to have a thick skin and a good bit of tolerance and perspective. I'm sure its not for everyone, it wouldn't be for me. But at least I recognize that as MY issue.

I love my space, I'd go mad with noise levels, people rabbiting on about being psycho and issues with their previous flatmates, landlords, employers etc. I wouldn't want to know. Other people are probably fine with that. I think you need to know YOURSELF very well before you decide to share your house with other people. If the situation was reversed that new lodger girl could think the owner was the one to be anxious about!

Hi, OP here. As lovely as it is to have had people tell me I am somehow the issue here? Last night my suspicions and gut feeling were confirmed. This girl is nuts and I need to find a way to get her out of my house.

I don’t want to get into the details but she openly told me she has a criminal record and spent the night telling outlandish stories, probably lies. She also brought her cat to the bathroom and had a rant at him about her manager. Oh, and her best friend of two weeks is her only friend and she’s worried that I am going to take her cat from her. She said it’s been on her mind since she moved in. Her last housemate is currently harassing her for non payment of rent, which she claims is a lie. We clicked when we first met as she had all the same interests as me and works in the same type of job as me. Now I’m wondering if that was all a lie.

There was lots more but I’m keeping it brief, that’s the update. She is crazy and my anxiety was there for a reason. Currently considering my options in how I’m going to get her out.