Eloping

Lemonee_

Hello, my partner and I are considering eloping in France or Italy and would like some views please, or advise from anyone that may have eloped before.

We have a large wedding planned and everything booked, but realise it is not for us. It is planned moreso because it is the done thing, and we both feel an elopement suits us and would focus more on us and our marriage to each other. Thanks in advance.

blackbox

Have the invitations been sent?

If not, why not change it to a small wedding at home?

Lemonee_

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118487006#Comment_118487006

The wedding is planned for 2023, so no invitations sent yet. We have thought about a smaller wedding, we both come from larger families and would be pressured to invite aunts/uncles if we were having a wedding at home, large or small. This would bring us to over 50 people and I think even that size is too large for us, now that we have really started thinking about it. I think the issue is that we were caught up in the excitement of being engaged, and went full steam ahead into planning without considering options.

StupidLikeAFox

You need to do what feels best for you and your fiance. There is a lot of romance in eloping and having a wedding solely about the both of you.

That being said, other people will be left out. Parents and siblings may have been looking forward to a celebration. It isn't their day, the wedding is your day, but people aren't rational.

Personally I wouldn't care as long as the couple are happy, but I know of 1 family who had a son elope and they were a bit pissed off that they were neither included or informed, if you elope it may feel like a f you to the family, especially if you are normally on good terms

blackbox

Who's going to put you under pressure?

You're both adults and both want the same thing. Make your own decisions.

If it was me I would limit it to immediate family and partners and maybe your godparents.

I wouldn't want to snub my parents or siblings.

woodchuck

"Personally I wouldn't care as long as the couple are happy, but I know of 1 family who had a son elope and they were a bit pissed off that they were neither included or informed, if you elope it may feel like a f you to the family, especially if you are normally on good terms"

Same here, I know a couple who eloped and they only told their families a couple of weeks later. Even their engagement was kept a secret, so it was quite the shock to everyone. One side of the family were happy for them, but the other side were not happy it all. It turned what was supposed to be a happy announcement into a major family fued. That was over a year ago and it sounds like they still haven't gotten over it. So just have a good think about how your own family might react and if it's worth the drama.

If the only reason you want to elope is to keep numbers way down and not feel pressured to invite your aunts/uncles, I don't think that's the right reason to be honest. Would you regret not having your parents and siblings there? If so, I'd plan something very small that includes immediate family. You just need to put your foot down with your parents and explain your reasons for not inviting extended family. Even mention elopement as an option you've seriously considered - they might shut up once they realise there's a possibility of a wedding where even they're not invited!

Just something to think about anyway. Elopement can be a good option, but it really does depend on the reasons behind it I think.

yer man!

I'm doing that, quite a lot of paperwork to get through but we both feel it is more suited to us to elope over a big celebration. We will do something small back at home with family, like rent a small restaurant and buy everyone dinner and drinks. We don't foresee a fallout with family over this so it has made the decision a bit easier.

Lemonee_

Thanks for all your responses, appreciate you taking the time to give advice.

Pressure may have been the wrong word to use, we are quite close to our families, including aunts and uncles and I think there may be a sense of disappointment if we were to have a small ceremony here and not invite them. It isn't the reason we are eloping though, we have discussed it regularly for about 6 months (have been engaged 1year+). We didn't really take the idea of eloping seriously, the main reason being we had everything booked for a big wedding here. We sat down a couple of weeks ago and had a proper discussion about it, and both love the idea and feel it is us.

We wouldn't expect a family fallout over this, while some may be surprise, I think most would would realise it is suited to us as we are a quiet couple and like little fuss.

witchgirl26

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118492116#Comment_118492116

I think unless you are inviting immediate family away for the elopement, it could still cause some problems. Not necessarily full out arguments but if you're that tight knit a family, would your parents and siblings not be massively disappointed not to have been able to share in your day? Especially parents. I know my mam would be devastated if we eloped and only told her afterwards.

If you're a quiet couple who like little fuss, would your wider families not understand a small, understated wedding here? I mean essentially it's the same thing as an elopement to them as they won't be able to go either way.

Neyite

You have to be resident in France or a French Citizen to marry legally there. If neither apply to you Spain and Italy are popular for weddings.

I know quite a few people who eloped. There was one couple who eloped to Knock totally in secret, midweek and then announced it. Some family got the hump but they got over it. A second couple did an african safari, and while family were intially miffed, by the time it rolled around they were sent off with blessings and good wishes. I know a few more couples who've either told family beforehand that's what they were doing or announced it after the fact and to my knowledge there's been no long-lasting fallout. Most of the couples just wanted to be married, to put their money towards their house, or they were just very shy and would have had serious anxiety on the day itself.

So go for it if you think that it's something you want to do. Or bring over say, parents only if you feel you really need to. Everyone else probably won't care much.

TP_CM

Just throwing out here in case it matters that getting married abroad generally requires a certificate of freedom from your country's government. Normally takes 3 months to get that in Ireland. But in Gibraltar and Copanhagan that's not the case. Just passports and birth certs are required there.

Dinkie

We are eloping in a couple months to Copenhagen. I think it will be a huge shock to my partners side that we are eloping - but not to mine. I've never wanted a big white wedding, and we have 2 kids, so wanted something kid focused.

We found it really easy to organise. (paperwork is a doddle - don't waste money paying a company to do it).

I'm delighted. Its everything I wanted. And there is absolutely no stress. We get to enjoy ourselves as a family, doing what we want rather then worrying about everyone else having a good time and the arrangements of a wedding. I also don't feel obliged to wear a white dress - and have a bright pink one picked out instead :)

If your tempted, I'd say do it. I think on your wedding day your entitled to be selfish and do what you want to do.

How do you think your parents will take it?

I have an adult daughter, and I have to be honest, if she excluded me from her wedding or got married without telling me first I would take it very hard. I've been there for her all her life, including all the big moments, and I would be very, very hurt if she excluded me from this one. Her grandmother is no longer alive, but I think she would have been even more devestated. Many fathers dream of the day they walk their child down the aisle.

I'm not saying this to try to guilt you into changing your plans, I'm just offering you my perspective as a mother of an adult daughter. I acknowledge that weddings should be all about the bride and groom and you should have the kind of wedding you want. I just think you need to be prepared in case you don't get an instant happy reaction to your news when you come home.

Best of luck, whatever you decide.

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118776251#Comment_118776251

You "acknowledge that weddings should be all about the bride and groom and you should have the kind of wedding you want." Sure doesn't sound like it from your post tbh. I would hate if my mother tried to lay that guilt on me about being hurt - about a life decision of mine made by me.

OP just do what you want. A wedding is one day (an expensive one!!), a marriage is for life. I agree with you, put the focus on the marriage not on the day just because it is "the done thing". Go and do your thing. Your family should be happy for you that you are married and happy and if they are not....well dang it, if it takes a day out to make them happy....well I just don't know what to say to that.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118779291#Comment_118779291

Well it a good thing you're not my daughter then :)

Because you know, parents are allowed to have feelings too. I would also "hate" if my daughter tried to guilt me for being upset over the exclusion with "you should just be happy for me!"

After putting my child first in my life for all of her life, been there for every milestone, I would be very hurt if she then excluded me from such an important event in her life. Devestated actually. I make no apology for that.

I never suggested that a "day out" was a requirement. But I do think parents should be included.

Sorry (not really) if thats not what you wanted to hear.

amdublin

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118779348#Comment_118779348

A good thing for sure! Good luck to you :)

OP, don't be emotionally blackmailed. Try manage expectations/set parameters with family and friends etc and then do what makes you happy

Well OP, I'd say if you do decide to elope and not invite your parents, don't dismiss their feelings or use emotional blackmail to berate them if they do feel upset. It's only natural on their part.

Ultimately, no one can stop you from doing what you want, or having what kind of wedding you want.

Good luck to you.

A girl I work with got married in Las Vegas, just her & the fella. Told noone until they came home and then had a bit of a party for families and friends. If anyone did get the hump about it, they never said anything to her.

Neyite

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118776251#Comment_118776251

I think it will depend a lot on both sets of parents. Even then you might get some who would wave you off with their blessings or like Loueze, would be gutted to not be there.

My mother would be delighted if I came back from somewhere married as she's quite an introvert and hates social gatherings. She would happily watch a video of it or even a live stream though - so OP that might be a compromise for those who want to see you marry but not actually have them there?

Bayb12

Thinking of doing this. What did you write for the relationship document and did you have your choice of dates?

iniscealtra

We just had siblings, parents and a few friends. One cousin each who came in under friends. 30 people on the day. Had a great time. We both have large extended families, lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. It would have been too many people and too expensive for us. It was the right decision and everyone was grand about it.

i wouldn’t have eloped without my parents there personally.