Husband has occasional cocaine benders

Shank Williams

It’s hardly endemic- a sizeable minority take its but they are a minority

dubstepper

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118680473#Comment_118680473

But the OPs husband is not going away, he is going out with some mates getting off his head and writing off the weekend. Quite different to your comparison (which I agree is totally fine).

While there are always different versions of a story, on the face of it it wouldn't excuse his behaviour. Unless she is wrong in her assertions.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118685425#Comment_118685425

Not that different. In both scenarios there is an absent parent for the weekend. What they choose to do is surely upto them (within reason). They are both adults after all.

Her assertions on the severity of the issue is all we have to go on. As I said 3 sides to every story and all that.

Main point was that if she is that concerned then marriage guidance is the next logical step rather than depriving children of (as the OP describes him) a good father.

cj maxx

As an ex coke head I can advise you that, when it gets a grip , it is all consuming in the situation where you take it ,if that makes sense. With your husband, it seems to be his mates. . I'm guessing they are also doing coke during these benders. The only way imo is to remove the temptation. Ie tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to ditch these mates. Worked for me. I stopped going out with coke heads and even moved out of a house I shared with them

. Once the temptation is easy access is removed coke is very easily kicked. It's not very physically addictive like heroin etc

https://vertavahealth.com/cocaine/mentally-physically-addictive/

By the way, it must be costing a fortune.

notAMember

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118686081#Comment_118686081

Isn't the whole point of the OP that it isn't between them at all? She has no say, he unilaterally goes off getting coked up, vanishes and doesn't show up when his children need him, as they had planned.

There is a simple difference between that and someone going on a planned weekend away with their friends. In one, you're leaving someone in the lurch, reneging on prior arrangements, in the other, you've made an agreement and you stick to it.

Your whole other point about her not telling the truth is odd, and that's a fairly meaningless comment on a thread in PI. We go on what's presented and take it at face value.

Pawwed Rig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118718492#Comment_118718492

You cannot go on what is presented at face value as there are more than 1 side to a story. Giving someone life changing 'advice' and convincing them to deny their kids a good Dad based on 1 side of a story is at best reckless and at worst misandrist and sinister. The ONLY good advice that has been said on this thread is a recomendation for marriage guidance where a mediator can hear both sides of a story and mediate anything else is coloured by personal biases around drugs and assuming that the OPs truth is the only truth. The complete disregard for the children is also chilling given that we passed a referendum on the rights of children only a few years ago.

What is your objection to mediation?

notAMember

No objection to mediation, my advice to the OP was to be truthful to her family if she is hiding the reasons for showing up in a fluster with children needing to be looked after because their other parent is a no-show. That's not life-changing advice, it's protecting the children.

And yes, there we agree, the disregard for his own children shown by that man is chilling.

jiltloop

There is a boad spectrum of opinions on this and I don't agree with the opinions on the extreme ends of the spectrum.

Personally I do not think your husband has major addiction issues but he definitely has substance abuse issues. Going on benders like that is simply not something that a parent can do if it is impacting the family. It's not acceptable at all for this to be happening regularly.

I think the best approach would be to let your husband know that this is not going to be tolerated anymore and is no longer acceptable. It's always going to be difficult to take a firm stance on this but eventually I think that will need to be done. As someone else said, consequences need to be felt by him. I think if he doesn't start suffering consequences then you and the kids will eventually.

It may be useful to push him towards seeking help to find out what the root cause of the substance abuse is. It sounds like it could be because of his friends who have less responsibility. He needs to realise that he no longer has the freedom to behave like his unattached single friends. He has gone down a different path, his number 1 in his life (by his choice) is his family.

I was very fond of sessions myself up until fairly recently but I had to come to the conclusion that I am now a family man and a partner so the sessions have to be consigned to history. It's simply not possible to be a sessioner and a responsible father/husband at the same time.

joeguevara

I’m only going to give my opinion and not going to get into the rights or wrongs of drugs etc.

Nobody ever just forgets to come home when they are on a night out. Whether drink or drugs or both are involved if someone doesn’t come home to their partner it’s because they have made a conscious decision not to. If a night out turns into an after party (eg. Ufc is on and watching it in a mates house then you text).

Honestly the subtext regarding ‘dabbling in Cocaine’ is irrelevant to the issue. No committed partner, whether a guy or girl, with kids at home just forgets to go home on an ongoing basis…especially when called up on it continuously.

One thing you should be aware of (and not from personal experience but from being a publican and from my job now) people on a night out who are on patsy don’t forget what they do and more often than not don’t black out…don’t swallow excuses like I forgot to come back etc.