Am I crazy to want to keep my baby?

Big Bag of Chips

@CrookedJack and @ionapaul I have deleted your last two posts as you were getting into an over and back with each other rather than offering advice to the OP. Personal Issues is an advice forum. All replies are expected to offer advice to the OP. If you would like to debate usernames or anything else please take it to PM.

@Curse These Metal Hands a 23 year old man is an adult. 2 consenting adults are involved in this relationship. Do not imply anything untoward.

@Igotadose generalisations such as your one about midwives are not welcome here.

All posters are reminded of The Personal Issues Charter. This forum is heavily moderated and breaches of the charter regularly result in warnings or bans.

Please direct mature, constructive, civil advice to the OP. If you find yourself unable to do that, please refrain from posting.

pc7

Op I think you need to tel him now, not at 15 weeks, he really should have an input into the decision as well as the outcome. Whichever way you both choose.

Either way best of luck with the future and however it shakes out.

Sunny Dayz

It's a tough one OP. But IMO you do seem to be thinking more with your heart than your head. Kids and babies are wonderful, but they are also hard work and you know this much having 4 of them. But when we get out of the baby and toddler phase, we often look back on it with rose tinted glasses. If you don't want to have the biological father involved and you are not earning yourself (if I've read correctly), how do you expect to be able to afford this little one while also being a single parent to 4 others. I know you've said their father pays their education and minimum maintenance but that won't stretch to feeding another mouth and it will not your ex's place to fund a child that is not his.

Best of luck OP - what ever decision you make, be sure that it's made with yourself and your children front and centre.

Pistachio19

Someone upthread suggested contacting My Options. I do think that's a good idea. You need someone to help you think rationally about this and help you prioritise your concerns.

The financial arrangements in place with the father of your older children should not change if you have another child with someone else.

Financially, it's basically none of his business. It's not like you'd be asking him to contribute towards the new baby's costs.

The support of the new baby would fall to you, and their father.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646406#Comment_118646406

She is definitely not anti choice. She actually chose this for herself a while back. And she is in a stable relationship. Just didn't want to have a fourth child. I know she will support me whatever I choose.

SunnySundays

Far from an ideal situation but no point dwelling on it as you can only deal with it in the way that is best for you.

Something in your posts that stood out to me is that you wondering if you want to have the baby because you would love it and maybe that's what you want etc.

Is there a chance that you are trying to fill a void of perhaps loneliness or a sense of purpose post your divorce and you want fun and positivity and propose?

The baby should be the primary concern. His sisters/carer/age/attitude towards women is just a distraction from the real issue. That said, I think it is really wrong to have a child without telling the father and also intending to hide this from the child permanently. (Rape, severe harm, domestic abuse, child abuse etc.. being a few of the exceptions).

You also have to consider your children. Are you planning on lying to them when they ask who the father is? What if the child is the spitting image of him? What is he himself starts asking questions? What is he mentions it to someone etc.? I'm not sure you will be able to keep the paternity as much of a secret as you wish. These things have a habit of coming out. It's not a reason for an abortion but just something to consider.

That said, a child needs love, stability, and care. If you can provide these things then there is no right or wrong. It's a personal choice.

In your situation, I would definitely take to a crisis pregnancy counselor or some other support as it's a lot of unravel.

Best of luck whatever you decide.

SunnySundays

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646449#Comment_118646449

The maintenance agreement was the legal basis of our divorce. I believe that it is binding. The father of my other children was my husband, we built a life together. He also made my life a misery for years. No matter how much material things someone gives you if they terrorise you and steal all the joy from your life you are not going to think particularly fondly of them.

The father of this child was supposed to be just some fun. I never wanted anything from him except for him to be nice to me which he always is.

This is the difference.

So you cheated ?

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646513#Comment_118646513

Absolutely not. To be honest, wanting to keep him in my life is one of the reasons I could think of for terminating. He's much more likely to run for the hills when the **** hits the fan than to continue a casual relationship. I know it is very hard for some people to think of a woman not wanting a partner or something permanent but I do not. I had it, it was awful, I got out of it, I do not want to go back.

It is possible to enjoy something without wanting to hold onto it forever.

Skipduke

based on the information you have provided, I would first talk to the baby daddy. ask him what he wants to do...does he want to keep it and support it? he is young and you don't seem to be in a committed relationship, therefore i would go in with low expectations.

i would terminate if I were in your shoes. i say this because you don't seem to know what you want or have a plan for the future or any stable income. Do you already have 4 children and just got divorced ? why would you want to be tied down now again with a child.. go have fun with whatever money you have !!

bringing another life into this world is not like buying a puppy or a new car. you can't just trade it

ultimately, it is your own choice. you know the situation best but there's my 2cents since you asked

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118646624#Comment_118646624

To be honest, I pretty much did all of the baby stuff for my other kids myself. The father never once got up in the night or made a meal or dealt with laundry. The older kids are very capable and competent. Fifteen and thirteen year old are well able to run the house by themselves if they have to. But yes I do have to think carefully about how it will impact them.

Other babies were born at home and this one would be too. Hence the independent midwife. I have definitely brought enough women meals and hung their washing and minded their kids while they have had a newborn to have some support in the early days. But community has really been fractured by all the changes over the last few years. I hope these people would still be here for me but I just don't know.

Not telling him until it's too late to change means that the choice is mine alone. I am happy to have the child by myself without his support or input if needs be. I know that the better choice for everyone in this situation is just to terminate but I am struggling to actually do it.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118648701#Comment_118648701

Yes I am very worried that I want to have this child out of loneliness and needing a sense of purpose. But I do know that I would love the child.

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118648730#Comment_118648730

Not that it makes a damn bit of difference but no, I was faithful to my ex husband for our whole marriage, which is more than I can say for him. I have been single for quite some time and will be til I die. Does that mean that I have to cut sex out of my life forever?

Sile Na Gig

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118648829#Comment_118648829

I have my own income! It is less than it was before Covid but it's still more than a lot of people who still support families get. I am poorer than I have ever been in my life but I could get a whole lot poorer and still survive. I would be very loathe to ask him for money as I know he does not want a child and I don't want him to feel like I am tying him down.

standardg60

Just my two cents OP but i think you are being extremely selfish and immature here. No consideration for your unborn, the father, your ex, and most importantly your children. You have no idea what effect bringing a child by another father into your home will have on your relationships with your children, your ex, and of their relationship with their father.

The longer you leave this the more chance of you becoming emotionally involved with the pregnancy which does no-one any favours. Frankly, it's really weird to me that you seem to be more interested in bragging about how much of a 'milf' you are and your numerous conquests and that you landed a beautiful looking boy than actually realising the consequences of your recklessness.

Abort the pregnancy, concentrate on the children you have, and for ffs start engaging some proper contraception rather than relying on 'the timing method'.

screamer

Keep the baby…. Don’t keep the baby no one here can tell you what to do. You have to live with your decision, and it is yours to make.

but one thing I will tell you is, you have 4 kids who depend on you, get yourself an STI test. don’t be feckless with your sexual health with someone who is feckless with theirs. Those 4 kiddos depend on you for everything and you can’t afford to risk your health and well being.

I wish you well, and you will make the right decision for you, don’t let anyone influence it. It’s one of those decisions you can’t undo no matter which path you choose.

fits

OP there’s nothing wrong with not wanting to terminate and it’s not being selfish. It’s a huge decision for a lot of people. And yes i do think it’s your decision alone too.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118648977#Comment_118648977

The last person the OP has to consider is her ex-husband. They are divorced, and he has moved on with a new partner. What the OP does, or who she sleeps with is none of his business. If his new partner got pregnant, would you suggest his partner have an abortion for the OPs sake?

Regards maintaining their children together, he is entitled to apply for a variance if HIS financial circumstances change. He does not have grounds to seek a variance on the basis that she is having another child.

OP, the one thing I would advise you as regards your ex is, if you do decide to have the baby, that as a courtesy, you sit down and have a discussion with him informing him of how you plan to proceed before breaking the news to your children.

This is so he has adequate time to process the information, and prepare himself for any questions your children may ask him.

This does not extend to disclosing who the father is, if you choose to keep that private.

One other thought - OP please don't pay any heed to anyone who accuses you of selfishness for wanting to have your baby.

If you were here posting that you wanted to terminate, there would be someone arguing that you were being selfish, and "what about the father's say" etc. Women can't do right for doing wrong, in someone's eyes, no matter what choice they make.

Personally, I'd support you in either choice. I think the most constructive thing you can do for yourself now, is to make an appointment with an non-religious and unbiased crisis pregnancy counselling service.

You still have some time to make up your mind. So take a deep breath, and don't be rushed into anything.

I think you should tell the father and work out things from there, instead of trying to tiptoe around it. Your going to have to face it eventually. And if I may say, your not some teen but an adult having unprotected sex. Surely the thought of getting pregnant flashed across your mind at some point.

laoisgem

Still think this is a wind up but I'll give my opinion regardless.

I've so many thoughts on this it's hard to put it into sequence but firstly you need to tell him, I do think his opinion matters and I say that as someone who had a termination when I was 17. I had to wait the two weeks to fly to England for the termination, if I had the choice I would be taking the tablets right now, that's if your taking the fetus into consideration , the earlier the better.

I echo what others have said about being selfish, it all sounds so made up, almost fairy tale as in an ideal world. Including having your daughter at the birth, again, in an ideal world. Nothing to say your daughter will be disgusted by you being with a man 8 years her senior, maybe even someone she fancies herself.

I'll stop the rant there but I definitely think your deluded in your approach

Liberty_Bear

OP

Ive been thinking about this a bit today. There is a lot of advice to digest. Maybe summarise everything you read by jotting down a few points.

Id have found this overwhelming so I can only imagine what its like for yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

At this stage we will lock the thread. All the advice and opinion has been offered and posters are in danger of falling foul of the Charter. A number of off topic posts have already been deleted.