Is it normal to still feel like this after 13 months?

T4two

I'm 13 months after the breakup of a five- year relationship that came totally out of the blue for me and was cold and heartless - well I felt anyway. I'm no longer heartbroken and would never go back but he or the breakup still comes into my head every day and I also feel I haven't really bounced back and have lost interest in things I used to enjoy. I suppose my question is, is it normal to still think of things and how to get him out of my head?

NSAman

Yep!

it takes time. Moving on is a slow process for some people. You still think of things, remember things, especially if that was the person you thought was “the one”.

only way to really get it out of your head, is to get out there and meet people. Eventually, life and a new relationship help to ease the confusion/sense of loss/remembering. Creating new memories with someone new is the way to go.

Good luck with it all.

MacronvFrugals

As hard as it to believe, someday in the near future you won’t feel like this.

Absolutey, yes. 13 months is no time at all, and these things are different for everybody. Some people bounce back and heal quicker than others. My advice is take all the time you need and don't force it.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/2058238679/is-it-normal-to-still-feel-like-this-after-13-months

Took me two years to get over my last. Actually she sometimes still pays a visit to my brain, but it doesn't affect me much.

T4two

Thanks. I was feeling a bit silly and thinking I should be 'over it' at the year mark. I've had no contact, but I'd say he was over me very quickly, going by how he spoke of his many previous relationships. I'm really trying not to wallow and have made good progress but I'm not there yet.

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118831507#Comment_118831507

I think the same of my ex, that she moved on without a care. But part of me knows that's not realistic. I'm sure she found it hard too. I think it's natural to make villains of those that hurt us. Emotions tend to produce black and white "good and evil" thinking.

I don't know your ex, but I'm sure he cared on some level.

Slava_Ukraine

Was there once maybe 20 years ago. It happens and you will and should get over it. If you don't, have a talk to somebody. It will help.

amdublin

Don't be hard on yourself, it can take this length of time for sure. Hang in there. The good days will start outweighing the bad days at some point soon.

Princess Calla

These haven't been normal 13 months though so don't be trying to rush through the process.

I'm sorry if I'm confusing you with another poster but I think you also gave up a mutual hobby as he'd be there....which is understandable but you have now lost two important things in your life.

You not only grieve the loss of a relationship but also the loss of the future dreams together. The end of a serious long term relationship can really feel like a death and in many ways a death would be easier (you'd get more sympathy and you wouldn't hear about what they are up to post break up)

Just because it appears he has moved on doesn't necessarily mean he has (or has in a healthy way) men are much better at having sex without emotions than women are, in my opinion.

It's going to take as long as it takes but try to put yourself out there....you don't need to be hitting coppers every night or anything but don't be sitting in every night either, falling into a rut is the easiest thing to do.

With the brighter nights even just meeting a girlfriend after work for an early bird menu or a drink will get you back out there mingling and you can still be on the 9 o clock bus home if you are not up to a full night out yet.

Best of luck it does get easier.

T4two

https://www.boards.ie/discussion/comment/118844158#Comment_118844158

Yes, that's me... didn't return to the hobby club either, which I know was my choice. I'm happy with my decision but that doesn't mean it was easy, so there's been a lot of adjustments.

The Mighty Quinn

I was seeing a woman for just about 2.5 years. It took a solid 18 months to get over her. Now, I did go on dates with other women in the meantime and the odd one night stand etc, but they were all short term elation. When I was alone in the evenings or had some time at the weekends, I'd find my heart sinking and thinking about the ex. Thankfully I've moved on and married and all of that, but it was very hard at the time. Strangely, in the midst of the missing her I also had some of my fondest memories now, I pushed myself to do things and go places I wouldn't have if I was with her. So, mixed blessing?

You'll get there.

T4two

Thanks, that makes me feel a bit better! Like you said, when I have a lot of time alone I think about things more, like being annoyed with myself for allowing myself to be strung along, but I am forcing myself to try and get back to things I used to enjoy.

Hannibal_Smith

T4Two, I'm not sure whether it's been suggested to you before, but there is a running forum on boards, that you might like to get involved with? There is a sub forum where you can post a training log if you're working towards an upcoming race. You don't have to be posting for any length of time to start a log, they'd be delighted to see someone new join in. The regulars are a lovely bunch and very welcoming. It's like a running club in itself. Might help you refocus until things pass for you?

T4two

Thank you for that.

MikeD22

It's not surprising that you feel this way, it sounds like you are lacking any closure from the relationship. This can cause these feelings to linger on.

All i could suggest is to focus on yourself and the things you want to achieve in the short to medium term, such as the training log suggested above and eventually these feelings will subside. I went through similar myself and doing the above helped me to reevaluate the relationship and I realised that it wasn't the bed of roses I had once thought it was.

Best of luck to you, it will get easier.

Get into the social or potential dating circle again, but be careful not to lean too much on someone you might meet as a proxy counsellor. Relate your woes to a couple of trusted pals who are the better listeners. Anybody new you might possibly meet has to be rewarded by your positive attention. Later you can relate how you were hurt by somebody, but don’t make it your “main offering”. Easier said than done. It’s perfectly normal to feel as you do, however you have to take the bill by the horns to allow yourself to eventually move forwards, but of course you can’t just switch off trying to figure out what had happened to make your previous partner cut the knot in a particularly cruel way. That will fade when you get absorbed with another person.

T4two

I have absolutely no interest in dating still. I know that will probably change. I was single for a long time before this, so I'm used to being on my own, and know I can be happily single again once I've come through this completely.